ADOPTION - what´s right and wrong?

@Marie2473 (8517)
Sweden
December 5, 2006 4:35am CST
I have 2 friends that are both adopted by different families. One has always known that she was adopted since she hasa different skincolor thanher parents. She is one of the happiest people I know though. She has never felt the urge to look for her birthmother and loves her whole family very much. The other girl just found out she was adopted the day after she turned 18. The parent didn´t wanna tell her before that. The thing is, this girl used to be happy but now she´s not anymore. She is angry that her parents has been ying to her for 18 years and she no longer feels connected to them - or so she says! She has become nearly obsessed with tryingto locate her birthmother and spends most of her days doing justthat! Her parnents are crusched and feels as if they because of this has lost their daughter and regret not telling her before or telling her at all.. What is right and what is wrong when it comes to adoption? Should u tell, and if so when? How do i help this girl to get over he betrayal that she is feeling?
14 people like this
77 responses
@akaymas84 (179)
• Italy
5 Dec 06
it is the most beautiful demonstration of love toward the world and the life...it is a beautiful thing and we must have done....
3 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
5 Dec 06
Honestly..being adopted myself..I think its important to tell them when they are young...it was in your face obviosu with me becaues of my race but regardless..I think its a mistake to withhold that for just the reason that your friend is goin through..thats a big chunk of info to be told after 18 yrs of believing one thing....I can definately see how she would be devastated by that! I can also see how confusing it must be for her..now she is probably seconded guessin everythign they've ever told her which is perfectly natural..How can you help her? talk to her but let her lead the conversation..and never minimize the hurt she is feeling...she really has every right to feel that way..but reassure her that her parents didnt do it to hurt her or betray her..other than that everyone has to let this run its course....she's feeling wounded and like her entire life has been a lie and she needs the time to process it all which honestly could take months and it will take even longer if ppl try to rush her or tell her she is wrong etc etc...
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8517)
• Sweden
5 Dec 06
Thanx for your input , and thanx for the advice on ho to help her. I also understand that she is hurt, and that she has the right to be - i would to. I will try to just be there for her and listen whenebver she wants to talk!
2 people like this
@bluejay7 (35)
• Australia
5 Dec 06
I also found out I was adopted when I was 18. Initially I wasn't angry, just dumbfounded. I started to drink and smoke back then because it seemed just too confusing to me. One minute I thought I BELONGED to a family, mother, father, 2 brothers and lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. The next minute all my sense of belonging went down the drain. Looking back, (I am now 55) I realise that at 18 I was still just a kid really and it was only natural that I would have a lot of negative feelings. It takes time to adjust and even now, I can still have feelings of rejection etc. I do believe that children should be told at an early age, and that is now the usual thing to do. But back in my day and even your friend's day, it was not thought a good idea to tell the child they were adopted. I can understand that your friend does not feel connected to her parents anymore and that is only natural.............you will find however, that she still loves them and always will. If her heart is set on finding her natural mother, then that is her right to do so..........there are a lot of questions she needs to have answered. The best thing you can do I guess is to be supportive, loving and even perhaps, help her in her search for her birth mother. She needs to be warned though that it may not turn out as she would wish. Best of luck
@Marie2473 (8517)
• Sweden
5 Dec 06
Thanx alot for your response. This gives me even more of an idea of what is going through her head. Thanx again!
2 people like this
@emarie (5450)
• United States
6 Dec 06
i think you should never keep secrets from your children, they should be told the truth once they understand it. at 18, you feel like your parents lied to you and that brings up so many mroe questions. it also depends on the child themselves, maybe they can handle it, but its always best to tell them when they're younger as soon as they're able to understand.
2 people like this
@carmat (2850)
• Canada
6 Dec 06
I adopted my son when he was 4, we talked about it from the begining so he knows the reality and is comfortable with it. Sure maybe someday he will want to search for his real father but I would rather that than have him thinking I lied to him all his life.
2 people like this
• United States
5 Dec 06
theres nothing wrong with adoption....more kids need to be adopted but it can go wrong when the adopted kid is sperated from regular one either generally or by race
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8517)
• Sweden
5 Dec 06
did you even read the text. the question was not if adoption is right or wrong,...
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8517)
• Sweden
5 Dec 06
did you even read the text. the question was not if adoption is right or wrong,...
2 people like this
@iluvujoy (311)
• Philippines
6 Dec 06
Adoption is wrong if you are adopting a child and you are able to support his or her needs. Not only that, when adopting, love should be they key factor. Adoption is right if your intention is good. it depends upon who will adopt. But the foster parents should explain the reality of the child's situation so that when time comes, the child will understand her foster parents. No lies...
@JBD189 (345)
• India
6 Dec 06
I think it's very selfish on the part of your friend to act so irrationally towards her foster parents. They've done all for her; and brought her up. Knowing or wanting to know your biological parents is a natural feeling but being angry about it is rude behaviour.
1 person likes this
@wasim989 (2302)
• India
6 Dec 06
I think adoption is good but one must not hide the truth from their children and they must know from the start that they are adopted and I think children will be ok with that because if they knew later on from someone else then they will be little frustrated and angry with either theirself or with their original or present parents.
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
it is very difficult to deside.....but noting is difficult
1 person likes this
@jaginfo2006 (1757)
• India
6 Dec 06
now that is totally natural, i happens and there parents did a wonderful job, i appreciate that, well for her she will sure realize that you just need to leave it to time, it will be alright as time passes by
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
she is thinking right but what about the parents who have brought uo her with love,she will realise this bitter truth as she will deal more with this
@atticus (1380)
• Italy
6 Dec 06
i agree with adoption,in this case i'm not sure about what to say,it'a little complicated.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
6 Dec 06
it depends on their child's character. some might be just contented to know what they current have and cherish it. however, those who are selfish in nature will almost undoubtedly search for their birth mother. nothing is right and wrong when it comes to adoption. when you say someone is wrong, perhaps they only want a happy life for their family and hence chose not to tell their child/children about it. right in the sense that you actually give the orphan new parents lest they grow up to be a rebellious street walker or somewhat similar. remember, you are not a professional. you should as always seek out the expert, also known as the counselor to help you to help her. that is, if the girl refuses to see a counselor. advices from them usually are nothing further than the truth. :)
1 person likes this
@_hope_ (3906)
• Australia
6 Dec 06
i think that adopted children should be told as soon as the can understand then they will grow up knowing that those who adopted the child has done so out of love for them .I have two adopted cousins that were told of their adoption evry early on both accepted it openly and only one has gone on to see the birth mother but both children have grown up knowing that they are definately loved and are lucky to have two mothers .
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Dec 06
there are no rights and wrongs when it comes to adoption. that is such a sensitive issue that still no one knows what is right or wrong. her feelings are understandable. Being angry or feeling like she was betrayed is natural but hopefully she will calm down and take a step back and look at all sides to the story.Just stay by her side and be there when she needs you. +
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Dec 06
Maybe after she finds her parents she will have some closure with them to why they gave her up and she will apolize to her adopted parents. It's hard telling what is going to go on.
1 person likes this
@zgb_0001 (1383)
• Pakistan
6 Dec 06
Yes,all right!
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
Hi, nice to see a true friend trying to help genuinely. may be that the other girl couldn't take up the fact suddenly like the previous one who learned how to live her life. she has already learnt that she has to live with her parents who adopted her.in the latter case, the girl would ofcourse take some time to digest the fact that she doesnt belong to the family originally.but then, she has to realise the love and affection the family is showing towards her.she has to be indebted to them as they have given her a life thats worth noticeable.as she is in her teens, thsi is the age where she might tend to commit mistakes by taking wrong decisions.its really understandable that she wants to go back to her own mother.but is that practical to do so? even if it is possible, evrything has a procedure to start with.she can settle in her life to become an independant and then separate from the family if she doesn't like to stay with the family.as u have been a good friend to her y dont u explain her the pros and cons of her hasty decisions?she has to be greatful to them for the life she has been given.whats she giving the family in turn?? giving them pain and suffering due to the fact that has a valuable and respectable life all these days?? u can support her to find her mother but she has to think in terms of relationships too!!!
• India
6 Dec 06
adding to that, i feel that depending on the psycology of the child, the truth has to be told. at any age it takes some time to accept the fact that others are showing mercy on us. age doesn't really matter however the way they r treated in the family matters a lot!! infact when they r given a lot of importance in the family even though they r adopted, that leads to a great respect towards the family.
• Canada
6 Dec 06
I think that adoption is awesome some things that are right about it is i feel that it is better than abortion because you are not killing a child and you are givig a person an opportunity to have a child that they may mever of been ever able to have. the things that can be wrong is that you were young and stupid and will never see you child again. or your child will go to a family who does not take care of children very well and just want the money
@Pigglies (9336)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Those things going wrong sound more like the foster care system instead of adoption. That's a main reason why I'd support abortion. The kids aborted often would not have found a home anyway. There is already a shortage of homes for the children already out there.