Can this relation be saved???

Pakistan
December 5, 2006 6:45am CST
I am engaged with a guy for four years. Its totally arranged by my parents and i dont know the guy before engagement. After engagement i expect that he talks to me but he didnt and i also dont initiate as i think that man should start first. After a year he calls me and we talk about some formal things like about his family and my studies etc then after that we talk many times with gap of 2 or 3 months and sometimes 5 or 6 months but even after 4 years we are still strangers i just dont know whats going on with this relationship. I dont know why but when i talked to him i dont understand what should i talk and same with him. On general i am a very talkative person and people like my company but i dont know what happens to me when i talk to him? Because of this i lose my interest in this relationship. Sometimes i think to endup this relation but i dont want to hurt my parents. Plz tell me is there anything to give life to this engagment or i should end this? One more thing we dont meet after our engagement not because of family restriction but because he never offers me to meet him...
21 people like this
242 responses
@Marie2473 (8516)
• Sweden
5 Dec 06
To be engaged to someone for four years without meeting him. I am sorry but i do not see the point to why you are engaged at all. I am not for arranged marriages but this is even more stupid (no offense) I do not see a future for u witht his man - why not find a man to love and who loves you back?
6 people like this
• United States
6 Dec 06
I agree, I am also not for arranged marriages. I personally would not want to try to save the relationship. There is no feelings involved in it. I understand that some cultures arrange marriages, but you have nothing in common. Spare yourself the regret and move on. JMHO.
3 people like this
• United States
6 Dec 06
Yeah, Im not sure if that will work out, it seems that because it is aranged and you haven't seen him before there isn't that connection you need.
2 people like this
@abijan (494)
• Malaysia
6 Dec 06
Yeah, I agree with you. I don't care who arranged for you two to meet and engaged. But if both of you don't worked for it, I think there is no use in continuing with the relationship. Have you ask him what is his opinion, has he something to say about the relationship ?
@ESKARENA1 (18296)
5 Dec 06
in my opinion if you dont have the love spark, or at least a chemastry, you cant have a relationship that will last a lifetime. To me marriage is for life, if not then i really wouldnt want to do it
3 people like this
@nishanity (1650)
• India
5 Dec 06
gal, u hav gotta moor this chap...mayb the spark wil come then only!! try it...doesnt hurt rite? u offer to meet him at some coffee place...turn on ur charm to the max... and see how its going...and if it stil doesnt work, thn talk to ur parents abt it...tell them this aint gonna work out...and get out of this relationship... but i doubt it wud come to tht point...mayb he is just shy
2 people like this
• United States
6 Dec 06
what an unusual situation ( at least here in the US) I knwo there are cultures where arranged marriages are the "norm" and it happens all the time, but if you rarely speak to him, he doesnt show any interest, you dont particularly care for him, AND its been 4 years, perhaps rethinking the situation would help. A marriage with no love ( and love can not be forced by either party) will be a miserable one. POssibly full of infidelity, and at the very least just lonely. You should marry someone who you truly care for, and enjoy, and care about. Someone who you want to ( and enjoy) talking to everyday.
2 people like this
@lilmissy (481)
• United States
5 Dec 06
4 years is too long to be enganged people get engaged usually marry in a year no point in being engaged your whole life and not marrying
@shooie (4985)
• United States
5 Dec 06
I've known people that have been engaged from 1 to 4 years. Depends on what they want in the future and what goals they want to reach before they settle down. I know someone that has been engaged for 6 years and now they feel they are to that point where it's time and are making plans to do so.
2 people like this
• United States
5 Dec 06
Someone needs to start talking or you won't be able to communicate once you're married if your relationship goes that far. You need to have things in common or at least take interest in what's important to each other. Sounds like both of you are ignoring each other and the engagement and not making it a priority in your lives. Maybe he doesn't really want this relationship. I don't know, but you need to get to know each other or you will have a marriage that is very similar to your engagement.
@rizwan09 (743)
• India
5 Dec 06
four years after getting engaged u people didnt met...ahh i cant imagine and u people talk with a gap of 5 months ..my GOD whats going on between u and him... i think he is conservative but this is too much... i smell something wrong..well am not right person u advice u on this issue but if i wud be at ur place then i wud have seen this for few months and break the engagement..if time being parents mind on my act but as time passes they wud forget this issue.. if after marriage things dont work well then what is the use of tht marriage... think deeply and take decision ...
2 people like this
@tanujarneja (2831)
• India
5 Dec 06
oh i guess the guy is not intrested or is going around .. you should talk to him directly abt all of it once,.. that its not normal between 2 enggaged people what all is happening between both of you and 4 years are no less talk to him first and if nothing solves then tell your parents about it.. because if you are not ahhpy after marriage tehy will be more hurt
@neeraj07 (577)
• India
5 Dec 06
You have been engaged with this man for four long years now and you say that you dont meet and neither talk. Thats a very strange situation, because being engaged to someone is about being in a relationship. And unless you guys get along well and meet a lot, then you wont have a chance to know each other well. And then it doesn't mean that you are really interested in him and same is the case with him. I dont think there's any point in taking this relation further because you dont seem to like each other. Another point that is also to be noted that you both are very formal in your relation and wait for the other person to make a offer to meet and talk. Thats even worse situation to be in, because there's no space in relationships for formality and waiting to ask. U have to be frank and understand each other if you really want to take this relation a long distance. So, maybe you need to discuss these issues clearly with him or decide that whether you and he want to take this a long way. There's absolutely no point in wasting ur time and waiting for the other to talk on these issues. So, good luck for your relationship and ur LIFE.
• India
6 Dec 06
I am unable to know your intention clearly, because you are in dilema. On the one hand you don't want to hurt the feelings of your parents. On the other you are not in a position take decision about the guy, who never speak to you although you are talketive. Your decision will play an important role here. The guy is not responding to you since the four years of engagement. It clearly shows that the guy is seeking another girl.Explain your parents the situation and your intention very clearly and convince them regarding the ending up of relation with this guy..
• Netherlands
6 Dec 06
Oh I agree maybe the guy likes another girl and is afraid to bring this out in truth. Maybe he doesn't want to marry at all. Just talk to your parents about this. Hopefully they will have a good solution for you.
1 person likes this
@bishu_sinha (1459)
• India
6 Dec 06
Not safe, do as per your own decession.
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
add, friendship with me
1 person likes this
• United Arab Emirates
6 Dec 06
veena , this is completely strange ...u say u never had a call from ur man till one year after the engagement....dont tell me...tis not tht i dont trust u or wht u say....its tht am totally surprised....hearing all this....i feel this is quite impossible... now wht i feel is this..,....as u said first....u expected him to start off or initiate a conversation or offer u a chance to meet together......probably evn he's a shy sort of a person who wanted u to start off wid some of these...now com' on ..someones gotta break the ice.....why dont u take the lead...or atleast talk to ur parents abt it.....and now if u tell me u scared of talking abt this to ur parents try speaking to some elder siblings or cousins abt it......or atleast a close relative whose a bit elder to u.....they could arrange to check out wid his folks or cousins or siblings to check out wht goin wrong.....or to find out if its the case as i said...evn hes shy.....or is it tht hes not bothered abt his fiancee....try all these options before u call it QUITS.....cos i feel thts the last step...a final decision u make aft giving all chances a try.....
• India
6 Dec 06
ya this relation can be continued
1 person likes this
• Romania
6 Dec 06
s this situation real? ! i mean it seems to me like beeing taken out of an old movie , when parents were arranging childrens life.... This is not a relationship... this is not an engament ... it is nothing!!! I don't get it .... what you want from that guy ... you don't even know eachother/.. why did you accept from the start ? To make your parents happy?? OK Then why do you want to end it now? How old are you?
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
Someone needs to start talking or you won't be able to communicate once you're married if your relationship goes that far. You need to have things in common or at least take interest in what's important to each other. Sounds like both of you are ignoring each other and the engagement and not making it a priority in your lives. Maybe he doesn't really want this relationship. I don't know, but you need to get to know each other or you will have a marriage that is very similar to your engagement.
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
wast of time ,wast of life end this one this guy is not instructed in u at all in 4 years he had 50 words with i think he is having fun with some 1 else so just end this crap meet & marry some 1 how wants to be with u, wants to talk to u 24*7 & 365 day .
1 person likes this
• Belgium
6 Dec 06
I think you should give it a try, if possible. If it doesn't work out..you should end it I think it's strange...I prefer first meeting the guy and than start a relationship, but I respect your religion.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
6 Dec 06
I understand what you are saying and although I do not agree with arranged marriages I will say that I understand they are a part of your culture. If you still feel that he is a strang after 4 years then i doesn't look like EITHER of you are interested at all. I would suggest you bring this up with your mother and see what advise she can give you on this matter. Hopefully she can guide you. Maybe you coul tell your parents that the man does not seem interested and you would like to know if maybe you could call it off and try with another man. :) Hopefully they will help you and understand your problem. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@ellemayra (284)
• Indonesia
6 Dec 06
Oh it our life, how will happen with our life just God knows, but depend on our effort whether it happy or not. Just follow your heart for the best think you wanna do. Cos life along after married would be so serious problem that couldn't be broke easily. So before you decide to marry with him, you should do the best what you need honestly. Best life is all about time, we could stregth the time, so fulfill your life with the happiest thing you can.
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
Yes this relation to be saved strongly Because its totally arranged your parents ko The paeents was thinking maney times and talked other members My friend you dont worried it
1 person likes this