How would you deal.......

By Gabs
@gabs8513 (48708)
United Kingdom
December 5, 2006 8:59am CST
My Sons Partner lives with us and has done for 18 months now I took her in when her Dad threw her out and when she had no Job I kept her as both of them didn't have a job I do like the Girl and she is a nice Girl but she has 2 Personalities and one of them is that she can be horrible at times I had to put the House on my Sons name as I could not afford the Mortgage after I was bullied out of my Job because of my Illness I got so bad that my Doctor said I am not able to work anymore. Well I am now moving away but my Daughter will still be living them They both do not do anything round the House and can be very selfish which my Son never used to be They now want the place to themselves but my Daughter will not move out until they have remortgaged and given her the money that she is entitled to which I agree with her My Question is how would you deal with being hurt like that after everything you have done for the Girl when her Dad wanted her out and when her Parents did not care when she had no job I love the Girl but the 2 Personalities disturb me and I know my Son has to find out for himself, but he does know that I would not lie and when she has told him things that I was suppose to have known about "as she told me" he knows it is not true Example "She does not like Chilli, I asked her and she said I just do not like the Beans, I cooked it and picked out the Beans , she told my Son that she had told me she did not like Chilli, I told him that is not what she said, I do not force anyone to eat what they don't like and he agreed with me but never said anything to her as he knew she would argue with him
4 people like this
17 responses
@rainbow (6762)
5 Dec 06
I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling! I would stand firm on any decidion you make and not allow her to make you feel small or wrong - she would have so much less in her life if you hadn't helped her! Maybe if she's being nasty you could find a time when it's calmer to remind your son of this and explain how you feel. Maybe he is not as happy as you think if he avoids arguing with her too, but he needs to find out or decide for himself so be careful how you say anything. Your daughter is right to make them re-mortgage and pay her out. It's as much hers as his, but what about you - are you getting anything out of the remortgage? They are lucky to inherit early. Don't feel you're being mean - you've given them a better start tham many get, but I feel your daughter may miss out if you have no say over the mortgage for I feelit may be difficult to get it part signed over to her or get them to pay her out. Good luck, I hope this comes to a happy conslusion for you. Maybe you should let him read your discussion, it told me how you feel and he knows you better than most people ever will.
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
5 Dec 06
Thank you so much for this My Son will pay her out there is no doubt on it as I do have to say his Partner agrees I don't want anything I fought for the House when I got divorced to give it to my Kids and I have done that we are still paying the Mortgage between the 4 of us but once they re-mortgage then my Daughter will move out and they have to get on with it But thank you
2 people like this
@rainbow (6762)
2 Jan 07
Wow, best responce, thank-you. I hope everything is going smoothly for you!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
2 Jan 07
You deserved it and you are welcome Not at the moment it isn't
@ruby1459 (2602)
• United States
5 Dec 06
I imagine that it has been very hard for you since your son couldn't say anything to his partner. I think the best way is to ask your son to understand the situation between you and his partner. You have been taking care of his partner more than great.You were like her parents because her parents,family didn't care their own child. To tell your son and discuss about it seriously will be very inportant.It won't be solved if you son doesn't understand.I hope it will work out the best for all of you.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
5 Dec 06
Thank you for this It will resolve when I move as they will then realise they are on their own I don't want to put more pressure on him it is not fair
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
5 Dec 06
Thank you for this It will resolve when I move as they will then realise they are on their own I don't want to put more pressure on him it is not fair
1 person likes this
@ruby1459 (2602)
• United States
5 Dec 06
That is true as well. I understand the feeling that you have toward to your son as well so I know that you couldn't really push him to deal with also.What a hard issue to face with. Good luck with all.I hope the relationship between you guys will get better!!
2 people like this
@joshdale08 (2324)
• Philippines
6 Dec 06
omg! that's my greatest fear when my sons have grown and found themselves a partner and their choices are questionable. i'm a woman with a pretty strong personality, maybe i can pt some sense into their head just by being like this? i don'treally know. but in your case, all i can say is, do we raise our kids just to have them hurt us later? omg, reALLY!
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
6 Dec 06
No we don't and I know he doesn't mean to but things like this happen when they find someone they love and he has to realise himself Thank you
• Singapore
6 Dec 06
oh! you must felt so terrible being stuck in situation like that...where are you moving to? but then, i dont think it's pleasant for your son to be stuck in between too..i dont have anything much to advise but just want to drop a note to ask you to have faith and do what you think is right!
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
6 Dec 06
Thank you for your Kind words I will be moving down south as the air is better for me there
@nannacroc (4049)
5 Dec 06
I can only echo the previous responses but it may be hard for your daughter to live with them. Is there a way they can re-mortgage before you leave so she can move as well. If they're not working or keeping the house clean it will be very unpleasant for her.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
5 Dec 06
Oh I don't worry as my Daughter will stand up for herself and I guess once I have gone they will clean as I won't be here to do it My Daughter works nights in a Hotel so she will be asleep most the time My Son won't make her suffer I know that and his Partner is ok most of the time it is just she changes just like that from one mood to another Thank you
1 person likes this
@funfreak2k2 (1739)
• India
5 Dec 06
ur son and his partner aint working ? try to put them on work. it will reduce many of ur problems. y r u moving out? if possible, stay with them and tell them that u dont like their ways. it any money is to be given to ur daughter, let that happen when u r there. when u r not there, she alone. it can turn into any thing.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
6 Dec 06
They are working now at the beginning of the Year they got laid of their Jobs but have been working since Summer now
• United States
25 Feb 07
It is a sad and unfortuate thing to happen. People can be very self serving on the good nature of others, like yourself. At this point, your daughter will have to work it out with her brother. I hope his eyes open to this girl before she hooks him bad. And you, just continue to be the kind and good person you are. Do not change because one person used you so badly. Blessings.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
25 Feb 07
Hi Margie yes it was a tough time but things are sorted now and as you know I have moved, she has regreted being that way in the meantime. The 3 of them live together and they seem to be ok. You actually know my Daughter lol it is Mel_87. But Margie do not worry I won't ever change I love all 3 very much but the move away had to be done for my Health and they know I am here for them all the time. I miss them very much but I am also happy where I am now.
@weemam (13377)
1 Feb 07
to be honest gabs I think she sounds really immature , I also think she is jelous of you and your sons love , I honestly dont know what to say to advise you but I do think you will be a lot happier out of the situation all together and I know that's what you are going to do xx good luck
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
1 Feb 07
Yes the Move is tomorrow and there have been a lot of Tears on mine and my Daughters part, also my Son is a bit sad to and believe it or not so is Nic. But we will get there as my Daughter is hoping for a transfer sometime this Year
• United States
1 Feb 07
As sad and unfortunate as this is, your son is going to have to find out the hard way that the girl he is with is playing him for a fool. Unfortunately, my own brother is married to a woman like this. A woman who was bold enough countless times as my mother was giving her gifts, money, love, support, to tell my mother how much she loved her only to turn around months later and throw everything my family ever did for her in our faces--especially my mother. She has now turned my brother against our entire family and refuses to let us see our niece. It's like she feels threatened by you, so she's playing you for a fool, and trying to get rid of you as quietly as possible. How would I deal with it? I'm not sure how my mom deals with it, but I know it hurts. I think she's resigned herself to not letting it hurt her anymore, and she certainly doesn't blame herself. If your son loves and respects you as his mother, he will listen when you talk to him. Maybe you should tell him how you feel face to face before it all goes too far and everyone winds up feeling hurt.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
1 Feb 07
Thank you so much for this
@TerryZ (22082)
• United States
5 Jan 07
That is terrible that you are stuck in between your son and his partner. I use to work with a girl who had two personalities and it was really hard to cope with. So I know what you are going through. Im hopeing your son will soon relielize what is happening. You dont desserve this kind treatment. You are too good of a person. I hopeing your troubles will soon be resolved.
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
5 Jan 07
Hi there TerryZ they will be solved when I move I do love the Girl but she just changes out the blue
• United States
5 Jan 07
Gabs, my dear friend, I know your situation and I know your heart. These things are temporary. God will make a way for you. He always does and always will. I love you dear sweet friend.
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
5 Jan 07
Thank you Misty and you know I love you to
@emisle (3823)
• Ireland
7 Dec 06
The way everything has turned out must be like a kick in the gut. You were there for her when she needed help and she's shown you no gratitude whatsoever. Your daughter is right no to move out until she's been given what she deserves. I think you should sit your son down and ask him if he it truly happy with this girl, who is clearly manipulative and very selfish. Does he really think he can be happy with her in future?
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 06
No I think he knows and I am so glad that he is not like I was and sits back and takes it he fights back which is what I should have done when I was married to his Dad
@deebomb (15317)
• United States
6 Dec 06
I think a man can be controled by one thing. The bedroom. may be your son is controled this way. and maybe this is why her parents put her out. Maybe they just had enough of her . Do you know them? These girls really have a hold over some yyoung men and it takes a long time for them to see this. I'm in a similar situation with my daughter-in-law.She can be down right nasty. She get mad and plays her radio very loud and slams doors. You never know why. I can't move out. thats one reason I'm on myLot hopefully your son will see her as she really is soon.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
6 Dec 06
Yes I know her parents and her Dad is actually a like her so I think she has inherited it from her Dad Thank you for this
@superbren (856)
1 Feb 07
she does sound like a bully and she appears to be bullying both you , your son and your daughter. your daughter is right to stand up to her and so you should as well . it is difficult with family as you do not want to alienate your son but i urge you to sit him down and tell him you will take no more of this nonsense, you are mistress of your own home.
1 person likes this
@Justme2007 (1848)
• United States
7 Dec 06
All I can do is say I will pray God always makes a way
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 06
Thank you
• United States
5 Feb 07
Oh my, you do have a problem there. I'm so sorry but I understand what you are going through. I have been there many times. I am unfortunately much like the old woman in the shoe. I have been taking in people on the strength of their needs and not mine. I feel if you can make a difference when someone is going through then you should. However the problem is that when a person is going through hard times they are not necessarily the same as when they are comfortable. In other words the old adage is true " You never know someone til you live with them." I know this part is like closing the shed after the horse gets out but it won't be long and it will help for the future. The next time you have someone come along like that you must have a set of rules and not trust that because they are of age they should have common sense. If her own parents who raised her put her out then why would you take her in and trust that she will be an honorable guest? The next thing is your son will truly have to learn for himself but being raised by you and staying in your home maybe you should pull his coat in a smoothe fashion. My son is grown and I have to talk to him sometimes just to remind him what we have been through and who we are. A bond between a mother and her child should never be sacrificed because his girlfriend gives him something you can't. You must remember you gave him something she can't, you gave him the gift of life and he has known you all of his. He may choose to live the rest of it with her but he has to give you the respect that you demand. If you don't say anything how is he supposed to realize what is taking place. He may question his stance in life but this is where the morals and the lessons that you put in place while he was growing up kick in. He is in the forest and can't see the surroundings outside of the bunch of trees in front of him. He doesn't realize that the brook has been blocked and dam is over flowing. You have to get him to see the world outside of the cell he has locked himself in. The worst thing a person can do is shut themselves off from the functioning world around them because they lose all sense of challenge and competition and lose touch with reality as we know it. They become stuck in a safe place that is not always productive for them. These people lose themselves and when the veil comes off their eyes they have a hard time dealing with the real world. You have to find a way to open up his world. Let him go out and get some more education or training or maybe take a vacation away from the situation somehow. He needs a peek at how the world works outside where he is. He needs to make new friends and surround himself with a different class of people. It's quite a challenge but if you are not up to it then you'll have to just sit back and pray. Remember your poor daughter is being subjected to what you are escaping though. Unfortunately if your son choses to remortgage that house with this young lady then you had better make sure the paperwork is in order because as you see there is another side to her which she has kept from him and it happens to be a side that she has given you a peek at. If he does not work who is taking care of the bills? If it's you then you can demand that he get a job or you won't sign the house over to him. I know it seem harsh but you did not bring him into this world to have someone undermind the months you carried him and the labor you went through to bring him into the world and most of all the trust that God had in giving him to you.
@wmg2006 (5383)
• United States
2 Feb 07
WOW! Love is blind sometimes. It is always difficult to have lots of other people living in your home. You can't please them all. My son lives with his in-laws too and it is very stressful for everyone. They all like each other, but it is just a big adjustment for him and his in-laws. I do not take sides because I can see where the parents are coming from with their expectations. The partner and son is very young and has no idea how much this is hurting you I am sure. I would always try to get along with her because she is your sos partner. It will be much better when you move out and when your son can be alone with her. I don't blame your daughter for standing her ground, but I would let the kids work it out.