What can I Do?

@Marie2473 (8515)
Sweden
December 5, 2006 11:09am CST
My ex has 2 kids that I from the beginning didn´t know about. I found out about them after 2and a half years. After 4 years in total we broke up because it turnd out that he had lied about pretty much everything. The thing is that the kids and I really bounded although the mother of them really dislikes me.. I do belive that it is because she still loves him. Anyways, we rae broken up and have been separated for over a year but his kids keeps calling me, especially his daughter. I have a new man in my life and they still talks as if me and their dad will get back together. (They are 7 and 5) They want me to come visit and they want to visit me as well. The mother hates that they call me and has asked me not to answer or tell them to stop. The thing is - i do not know what to do. I know for sure i will not get back with their dad, I love my boyfriend and wanna spend the rest of my life with him. Also I do not wanna anger the mother and I do not wanna make the kids sad? To the thing is also that their dad has none or very little contact with them. maybe they hang on to me because i am the closest thing that they have to their dad. When he was with me they were with us pretty often! What do i do?
15 people like this
96 responses
• Romania
6 Dec 06
First , i would say make sure that your boyfriend knows about the situation with the kids - so he wont get upset... Second of all, if those kids care about you , I don't see any harm in you keeping in touch with them... You should try to make them understand though that you will not get bak with their father!!
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
• Netherlands
6 Dec 06
I would call the dad and tell him to be more actively involved in their lives so that they can let you go on with yours. Explain to him that they are holding onto you because of his absense and the mother is upset by this and you don't want to be the cause of her anger. Have you apologised to her or tried to make peace with her? I am sure that is hard if she wants the dad back but she shouldn't take it out on you. Sad. Good luck.
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
latley i haven´t tried to talk with her and today I do not know if she wants him back but she did during our relationship.
• India
6 Dec 06
well there a good news the kids love u that mean ur gonna be a good mum anyway don't break da kids heart but don't come in contact with there dad also since he cheated u, if u what to meet da kid then let da there mum now about it don't hurt her also& let her now that she got nothing to do with her husband & let her now that he cheated u also .
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
I will do my best not to hurt anyone in this complicated situation
• United States
6 Dec 06
I would have to say have a meeting with them and there mother and father. Just to tell them what they need to know. My ex's kids are the same way and now there 18. I haven't spoke to them in 4 years and all of a sudden they contacted me through email saying they missed me and they are 18 now. I was so suprised, we talk everyday now. I have always loved them. There twins by the way. I just didn't realize what I meant to them until they called after I emailed them my number.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
that is a lovely story. i do think that kids bound with people and maybe i should just back away and when they get older - if they then remember me let them decide for themselves!
@snakeyes (569)
• India
6 Dec 06
Well i think this is a very tricky situation, u should tell then kids to call you less often and totally negate the possibility of meeting them b'coz in that case u might also start feeling for them deeply.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
@adroit777 (236)
• South Africa
6 Dec 06
I doubt that any one on Mylot would be able to give you the right advice unless they personally know you. If I were you, I'd get council from a person I know and that I know I can trust. One question that come to my mind though is: Do you love his children. I think that might be important. But again, please ask someone you trust.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
I do love them, ALOT and i definately do not wanna hurt them. Thanx for your advice
@fasha72 (284)
• Singapore
6 Dec 06
Be honest to them but never severe your relationship with them. slowly reveal to them that you will never be with their dad but dont mind to be part of their life. Kids that age are still innocent and fragile. once you break their heart, they will take to heart for the rest of their life. Good luck
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
@KrauseHome (36629)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Wow.. This is a hard one. Because physically, you have no biological attatchment to these children, but I can understand how you would be torn. Maybe somehow there needs to be a discussion to really see what is best for these kids and you. Maybe discuss this with the man you are involved with now, and see what he feels about kids from a previously relationship wanting to keep in touch still. In the end you need to do what is best for you, and these kids, and what your gut and Heart tells you what is best to do. There is no one else who can make you know what you need to do but you. I am wishing you the best with what you decide to do.
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input the bf does not say anything really. he is ok with keeping in touch and i do not want the kids to be my kids, just be there for them if they need tlo. but at the same time it might be better to "get out" I am really confused!
• Uganda
6 Dec 06
Dear friend, you did not actually mention whether the man himself is still intersted in the woman and the reason for him leaving the former wife to take you in. If he left her on grounds of adultary and has legally divorced, then you can go back for him for the sake of the childrens' well being. However if they separated because he just wanted to be with you instead, the it wrong for you and you will be commiting adultary with him. The bible also says, "what God has yorked together, let no man place a slander".
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
He was not with her when we met, they were in the divorce process (here it takes a year after you´ve filed, until everything is final) and even before i came alog they didn´t rreally hava "lovething" for maybe a year, even though they might have been having s*x I do not also want him back, and i do not think she wants to either. The last thing i´ve heard is that he has another girlfriend, who is also pregnant...
@nandusha (154)
• India
6 Dec 06
it is ok for u to feel like that ,u knoe deep down that they are kids,and ther love people unconditinaly it is ok for them to feel like that if ur boy friend and ther mom didnt have any proble then go on be a morel figer inther life and allso tell them that u and there dad are dot geting back and if they still want to be part of ur life then go on
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
• India
6 Dec 06
first of all you deside to whom you have to choos?I think you shoud concentrate on your boyfriend.your ex husband has already gone & now you dont disturb their life.Instead you shoud go spend time with your boyfriend more s everybody dont get 2nd chance.The 2 kids your talking about, dont worry about them,they have their parents to worry about them.Now you shoud look after your life & be carefull so that nobody tries to fool you again.The kids even if they call you,you be silent & good to them,tell them their mother dislike when they talk to you.If they agree well & good if not then other way is,you tell them that they shoud not tell their mother about it.
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
• India
6 Dec 06
well i dont have kids, but as you asked heres my ans, If you like those children and they like you, I dont think you should care for people who are against your closeness. Go ahead and take care of those children. They need you and to some extent you need them too.
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
• Ft. Frances, Ontario
6 Dec 06
Yeah, I think you should care for the children because maybe they don't have there mother to look to in special ways you have. Meaning they have that special connection with you which they don't with there mother or father. I do think you should explain to them that you will not get back with there father because you have someone knew but you will be there as best you can for them. They can call you when and if they need to, I think for the mother every mother does not like the step mother and tends to get upset when they think you are doing a better job then she is and that is not the way it is though. You are letting the children know that they can go to you about almost anything and you will do the best you can to offer your love or friendship. That you will answer their questions as best you can but if you cant and it is a question only the mother or father can answer then let them know they have to ask them. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
I do belive that their mother takes good care of them, and that they may be holding on to me bacause they feel a connection from their dad. I have no idea what to do about this mess =(
• United States
6 Dec 06
that is a hard situation to be in. I can understand how you feel about the kids, they are the innocent party in any relationship. They are usually the ones who get hurt the most. But i think you need to respect the mothers wishes and stop all contact with them. Its best for the kids too. I know its going to be hard and they wont understand right away but it has to be done for everyone's sake. Especially since the mother has so much anger towards you. You will need to explain to them that this is their time to be with their mom. That their mama needs them and that you will always care about them.+
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for a good advice
• India
6 Dec 06
well you got to make them understand the situation.they must be mature enough to understand you and what is wrong in them showing their affection to you at times?make your newman understand how muc the kids love you.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
the new bf is not a problem, he hasn´t said a word about this. The problem is weather or not it is fair to let them stay in touch
• Canada
6 Dec 06
I really dont knoe what you can do but i think its sad that the guy never told you about anything and lied to you
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
true, but lies is something that we all will haev to handle sooner or later. =(
@jaginfo2006 (1757)
• India
6 Dec 06
think what you want and what is best for both of you, that will solve the problwm
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
• United States
6 Dec 06
well if the mother of your ex's children hate you there is really nothing that you can do about that. It will hurt you for a long time when you tell the kids to stop calling or just altogether stop answering your phone but if that is what she wants you should respect her wishes. Maybe think about getting your phone number changed so you don't have to go thru looking at the caller id and seeing it is them and fighting not to pick up the phone because you want to talk with them. From reading this i can see even know your ex lied to you and after all that time when you found out that he had kids you still fell in love with them and treated them as a mother. that was very big of you cause you could of just ignored them and never paay attention to them but no you wecolmed them with open arms when someone else might have rejected them.
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
I did take the children to my heart and i loved/love them. Children are a great thing in this world and some day i will have a bunch of them of my own :-) I will try to cut it off wíth them but it will be hard!Thanx for your advice
@Aali311 (6118)
• United States
6 Dec 06
I think you can still be friends with them I don't see the problem with the mother, you're not her ex's wife or anything, I think she's just being selfish, keep being their freinds if they want to or until they want to.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input
• Philippines
6 Dec 06
I think you need to distance yourself from the kids. I know it's not the easiest thing to do but I think it's the right thing TO do. Cruel kindness is the way to go.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8515)
• Sweden
6 Dec 06
Thanx for your input