Actual Resume Statements That Didn't Work

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Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half Intl. 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 7. It's best for employers that I not work with people. 8. Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 10. I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 11. I was working for my mum until she decided to move. 12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. 13. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 14. Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 15. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. 16. Finished eighth in my class of ten. 17. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. 18. Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. 19. I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. 20. Physical disabilities include minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. 21. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation. 22. Work Experience: Dealing with customer conflicts that arouse. Please share something similar like this if you have.