Wanting my new husband to adopt my daughter. Need your advice!!!

United States
December 12, 2006 8:06am CST
My daughter is my ex-husband's daughter and I am now re-married. The problem is, my ex is very irresponsible and it scares me to think if he had full custody of my daughter if anything should happen to me. He has no job right now and hasn't been able to keep one for more than a few months. Child support is slow beacuse of this as well. He moved back in with his mother and currently lives there sine the devorce. He left a mile of personal debt he owed to my father that we didn't bring up with the court. When my daughter visits him, she comes home filthy and often gets sick w/ allergies often while over there. His mother lives on a farm and lives in a home of like 10 animals that are constantly in and out of the house. On top of that, my ex does not buy her any clothes or toys because he says I get child support to pay for it. He rarely takes her the weekend he has custody of her, cuz he would rather party and is too hungover to get her. I'm worried! I told him he wouldn't have to pay another dime of child support if he allows my new husband, who is extremely responsible, has a great job, etc, to take custody/adopt her. My ex refuses cuz he's afraid we'll move away and thinks he can take care of her after I'm gone. I promised him vistitaion whenever he wants, no court in the way. I have always been honest, especially through out our marriage and he knows this. He'll destroy my daughter. She's gorgeous, talented and gifted. My ex barely passed high school and has severe learning diabilities. How will he be able to support a future she needs and continue to stimulate her brilliant mind? Help me! Any suggestions? I'm feeling desperate, especially the older I get. Thanks:).
1 person likes this
6 responses
@Signal20 (2281)
• United States
14 Dec 06
The above post about not having contact for a year is inaccurate. Look at all the adoption cases, where mom's changed her mind awhile later, the courts still feel a child is better with a natural parent. Even if he did drop off the face of the earth for 5 years, and you publish the adoption proceedings in the paper, it gets finalized, then poof he shows up, the court will give him custody. Basically what it's all boiling down to, is this is the only control he has over you. And that's all it's about. Get a calendar every year, and document EVERYTHING he does or doesn't do, dates, times, etc.; a calendar is the easiest way to do it, obviously with the dates and everything on it. Sorry, but there's not much you can do if he doesn't agree to it. Maybe he'll find someone else with kids or get her pregnant, and get himself in the hole with child support so bad, and you can "renegotiate" with him-especially if the other woman resents him having to pay you for child support. Don't dwell on the situation, as hard as it is, I've done the same myself. You'll just stress yourself over it. Eventually she'll be old enough to have a say in where she would want to live and the judge's would take all that into consideration. And this is all assuming something will happen to you. I know you have to think about the future, but this one for now is out of your hands, so just let it go for now-and keep the calendar updated.
@Signal20 (2281)
• United States
14 Dec 06
Another thing too, my ex used to and still does, buy my daughter everything she wanted, Christmas was pathetic with all the gifts. He was basically buying her love. She got old enough to realize he wasn't all that great, and didn't want to go as often.
• United States
19 Dec 06
Oh wow! You're a huge help and I understand everything your telling me. YOu are soooo right. I really appreciate your time. Thanks:)!
@wolflvr (335)
• United States
13 Dec 06
The only way you can get around the needing parental consent is if your ex doesn't pay child support for a year or doesn't have contact with your daughter for no good reason. You will just have to keep working on your ex. Try to make him understand it is in the best interest for your daughter. Maybe he is afraid that if something happens to you that your husband won't let your daughter see him. Once he signs his rights over it is a very final thing. Anyone I have known that has given up their parental rights has taken a few years to finally get the courage to do it. I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter. I have a pretty crappy father my mother did a good thing by divorcing him. I think I turned out pretty well considering. If your daughter has you and a great step father to come home to she will do okay. Girls are smart and she will figure out soon enough that her father is not a model citizen.
@acosjo (1904)
• Canada
18 Dec 06
I absolutely agree with this.
• United States
19 Dec 06
Excellent advice! Thanks a bunch!
@acosjo (1904)
• Canada
18 Dec 06
If you're ex doesn't want to give up custody, there is not much you can do. Also, try to see it from your ex's eyes, he's being asked to give up custody of his daughter. I know I wouldn't under any circumstances. That's a tough one. If he's too much into partying and stuff, then that's good. You want your daughter with you anyways. At the same time your daughter needs to see dad. How does your daughter feel about her dad?
• United States
19 Dec 06
Let down all the time. Cries cuz she doesn't understand why he doesn't want to see her and so on. He's from a family that has the modo "take care of yourself and no one but yourself". That's exactly how he is, unfortunately for her. She sometimes blames me for his absense or neglect cuz she has a hard time dealing w/ it all. Truly sad.
• Netherlands
13 Dec 06
No offense but did love really blind you that badly to get you to marry and breed with that man?
• United States
19 Dec 06
I wasn't really in love. I think I was mostly scared and confused and too young/immature.
@killailla (1301)
• Canada
12 Dec 06
you ex has to agree to let your new husband adopt your child
• United States
12 Dec 06
yes he does and won't:(.
• United States
12 Dec 06
I think if you feel that the child may be in danger then you should explain this to your new husband. If he accepted you as his wife then he should know that your child cam e with the package. just sit and talk to him about it.
• United States
12 Dec 06
my husband understands. It's my ex husband who is the problem! my ex won't give up custody. my ex is the one who's putting her in danger, not my new husband. this is why i want my new husband to have custody. it's such a headache!