Men, Child Support, and "dead beat moms"

@lisan22 (191)
United States
December 15, 2006 12:03pm CST
To start, my husband has a 4 year old son with his ex. He pays his child support, pays half of the daycare costs, and we also pay all transportation costs for visitation. (We live two hours away.) When my husband and I got married a little over two years ago this is when the problems started. When his ex, we'll call her Dana, found out we were getting married she told me that her son was to never refer to me as "mom", not even step mom, in any way. I was fine with that and really didn't care. A month before our wedding when we were going to get him fitted for his little tux she stopped visitation. We had to have the child SNUCK into our wedding and he was unable to play a part in it as she had not allowed him to see us before then. After we got married she continued to allow him visitation. As the holidays were approaching my husband asked if she wanted him to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with us. She got angry and just stopped visitation. This is when we got a lawyer. Well, it's two years and 5 months later since we got married and my step son has been withheld a total of 4 times adding up to 22 months. (Almost half of his life.) We've taken Dana to court twice and each time she was never punished in anyway for breaking the law. (Denying visitation.) She uses her child as a pawn to get what she wants and hopes that we will just feed into this. Not only that, but she got married last September. When she got married we found out that the child had been calling her fiance, soon to be husband, "dad" since they were engaged. Talk about double standard. Then she turned around and stated "Oh, well, I never said there was a problem if he called your wife mom". And even now she is teaching him that he has two daddies but only one mommy. She holds a double standard for everything. It's tiring, frustrating, and to say the least draining to have to deal with a woman like this. And our family isn't the only one. There are plenty of women out there who are like this. Stop picking on the guys. These days there are just as many women as there are men who use their children or their ex for whatever reason. The system isn't fair, fathers rights in almost every state are abused because many judges still favor the mother in cases. I understand that there are moms who are in bad situations, but they get "glorified" in our social settings. They are sympathized for and are referred to as "the underdogs". But what about the guys who are in horrible situations with their ex and there is nothing they can do? Oh ya, we call them dead beats.
4 people like this
26 responses
@Metallion (2228)
• United States
15 Dec 06
Sorry, but the situation should be dealt with between your husband and his ex-wife. Yes you are his new wife, but honestly you really have no true position in the argument. Were you the reason the marriage broke up? Then she could really have an issue with you. Sorry, maybe your husband has the ability to complain about this but it's not something you should be stepping in the middle of.
@lisan22 (191)
• United States
15 Dec 06
A - they were never married. I met my husband LONG after they broke up. They broke up because she cheated. I don't get involved in their arguments, however when she has a double standard for things it is unfair. That's what I was stating. I almost never speak to her or have anything to do with her. I file court papers, etc. because I know how to and it saves us money when we go to court. BUT he is my step son and I love him so I still do have to get involved occasionally. Rarely happens, I leave it to him and her, but I do the paper work/end work because I'm just better at it than they are.
• Australia
15 Dec 06
take her back to court and say you want him every second week so that way you both have 50/50 rights the laws have changed in australia allowing both parents 50/50 so one week with mum the other with dad and no one gets paid child support. Take her to court and tell them you and hubby want 50% care and will not pay a dime to her anymore
@nhtpscd (1418)
• Australia
16 Dec 06
50\50 only works for some. Child support can still be payable! It is worked out on both parties income still. My ex had only 40% care and I still had to pay him!!!
@DRoddy77 (1776)
• United States
15 Dec 06
I am in a somewhat similiar situation. My husband has a 9 year old daughter whose mom hasnt allowed him to see in 7 years! The courts wont do anything, just tell him he needs to get a lawyer (which he cant afford). Whenever he goes to court to have his payments adjusted because of our 3 children, the judge and child support lawyer treat him like a dog, they dont care that he hasnt seen his own child in so many years, all they care about is $$$. They dont care that we have 3 children to support, they still wont lower his payments. If the mother does not follow through with ordered visitations then she SHOULD be in trouble for contempt but that hardly ever happens. What these mothers dont realize is that they arent just "getting back" at their ex, they are hurting their child! ..and once that child is old enough to realize what is going on they will hold it against the mom forever!
@lisan22 (191)
• United States
15 Dec 06
I know. It's so upsetting to, because it's not just hurting the child and your husband, it hurts you and it hurts your kids. They are denied their own half sister or brother. And did these kids do anything to deserve this? I just hate seeing these women using their kids as pawns in their little games.
• United States
16 Dec 06
i think that you need to take them to court and say you are paying too much and all because you can get ripped off and all
• United States
16 Dec 06
well this is tough but guess what you have to let her know being in control is what this all about and jealousy. that is what is going here and . love truns bad when it end in the jealous matter. amd being in control with you that is what it is. if your bad person or not she still will make it look like your the bad people never her. the child isn't going to be a child for ever and i know your missing out on this boys life but the courts don't want to get into alot with why mother should have him 6 months our of the year or why dad should have the same rights. the child is who they worry about all that matters is......is the child stable is he in a place that is going to treat him well.and the fighting like this don't interrest the courts the only one who is being the fool are the parents who want things there way...and sometimes the courts just want to get out and keep the child in one area at times...and for the parent not to keep there word with the other parent well that is against the law but who has the money and engery to take that aprent back to court for not doing as the judge has asked....it's draining on everyone and i'm sorry this happing to you but the woman is just showing you who is in control and right now it's her but when he is older he will make it so that he'll be in his dads life. and i feel you should make it vlear to everyone you are the step mother and you should get that title no matter what. you and your husband are going to have to make things work in your life with or with out the child. i'd say get on with what ever makes you 2 happy because the more you ignore his x and not worry when or where or how to have the boy and she starts noticing that you have a life to live she will start asking your husband questions and she'll ask if you want the boy that is the controlong side of it. god has a plan let him work it and good luck i know it's hard but people like this woman is very jealouse and selfesh so ignore her so she can't control you and yor husband. give it to god he will show you the way.....
@scorpius (1793)
• India
16 Dec 06
divorce - divorce
true,there are always 2 sides t a coin so i guess in bitter divorce preceedings there are two sides also.i do have to pong out that in most of the marriages that head to the chopping blocl it is the men who often do the abusing and then they get caught at it and voila divorce.but your situation certainly sounds as though it is the woman who is doing the abuse.i agree with you that there shoudlbe a law to prevent the child from being used like a pawn that he is being done today.i honestly suggest that you approach the courts again and try your luck! http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/process.htm http://www.divorcesource.com/info/divorcelaws/states.shtml http://www.sawnet.org/divorce/
@1986ankush (1241)
• India
16 Dec 06
his child needs to be beaten by stick as he dosent support mother or he make between his parents
@gabs8513 (48710)
• United Kingdom
16 Dec 06
I am so sorry about this I really am and I hope it will get sorted as it is not going to do the Child any Good at as he is getting olderand she wants to realise to that if she carries this on her son might turn against her I hope it sorts for you
@europa (10)
• Italy
16 Dec 06
It's a bad situation for every one. The child is confused...I suppose. An Idea could be to group other people like your husband and join an association like "Father's rights" Here in Italy there is one like it, and try to be listened by media.And things are changing.... Wishes!!!!
@gknott (936)
• United States
16 Dec 06
My question is why is she so angry? What did yor husband do to make her this angry? Did you have an affair with him while this baby was going to be born or right after? That is what my x did to me and his new woman left her husband and son also to have my husband. I know what she is doing is wrong but if he could make ammends with her, if this is what he did and ask her forgiveness I don't know what he did, but someone usually not this angry unless they were screwed over bad. Do you understand, life is not fair, but for a man to have a baby with a woman and leave her for another woman when this baby is small, and for another woman makes a lot of anger. I apoligize if I am wrong but if she was the one that screwed around and left she wouldn't be angry.
@maxy4u (29)
• India
16 Dec 06
Sorry, but the situation should be dealt with between your husband and his ex- wife. Yes you are his new wife, but honestly you really have no true position in the argument. Were you the reason the marriage broke up? Then she could really have an issue with you. Sorry, maybe your husband has the ability to complain about this but it's not something you should be stepping in the middle of.
@treblem (316)
• Philippines
16 Dec 06
it's still between your husband and her ex. no matter how much u ove your husbands son, u still don't have a right to step in the middle. let them alone do what is best for their child.
@angeliamj (632)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Well I can't speak on the deadbeat moms thing, as I'm in the same situation that you and your husband are, only being the non-custodial mother dealing with all the same drama. My ex has custody but never lets us see the kids. He threatened me after we got divorced as far as the kids ever calling another man "dad" (which I'd never do) yet has the woman he's married to now referred to as mom. The only way the kids are even allowed to talk to me is if I am the one doing the calling. I feel for your situation and I totally agree with you that it's not just men being "deadbeat" you have them in woman too. I just wanted to show some love and let you know that I can relate, only from the mom side.
@Marie2473 (8517)
• Sweden
16 Dec 06
Oh it is sad to say, but just like u say there are alot of people in the same situation. Itis so unfare to use the kids to get what u want... I also belive that teh courtsystem doesn´t work in this case and that is sad. I have been in somewhat a similar situation and i can see where u are coming from.
• United States
16 Dec 06
I am one of those moms in a bad situation but i feel the pain you and your husband are going through. It is gonna tske awhie but dont worrt all will turn out ok. have faith.
@lissaj (532)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I am not sure where you live, but in Texas if you live over 100 miles from each other, and have visitation, you are supposed to meet halfway. That woman should be held in contempt for denying court ordered visitation. You can't do anything about her attitude and double standards, but she has a court order that is supposed to be followed. Also, here standard visitation is every other weekend and the holidays are switched every year. If you can save up the money, I would get a lawyer and drag her butt back to court. She should not be allowed to get away with that. In the meantime, just keep doing what you are doing, standing behind your husband and loving that little boy. He will come to see what his mother is doing.
@Jellen (1852)
• United States
16 Dec 06
You have made some valid points here. It's too bad the truth is not always clear to those who have the power to make decisions that affect peoples lives forever.
@nzinky (822)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I was divorced and had three chrildren to raise by myself and the worst thing a new wife can do is put her nose in between the two fighting ex's........Don't be surprised if his ex wife doesn't tell you too keep your nose out of the problem between them........Let your hubby and his exwife work it out...
• United States
16 Dec 06
kids - kids
I am fortunate enough I have both my daughter for custody and we also have custody of my husbands two kids. Their mother is a worthless piece of crap who did many of the same things you spoke of. she to this day says nasty things to me and my husband. threatens to take custody of the kids. The court wont allow her to have them due to her emotional state and he lack of stability. She has been back in forth with a new boyfriend who is as unstable as she is. We have been fighting with her for the past year about the new boyfriend taking our seven yr old hunting. Yes i said SEVEN year old. The only thing I can say,it isnt much comfort, but eventually the kids will be grown up and thankfully we wont have to deal with them. At least not about the kids.
@missybal (4491)
• United States
16 Dec 06
She sounds like my mother-in-law. My husband has brothers still living at home. They are 12 years younger than him, they all have the same mom and dad. She has been getting away with denying visitation for years and is making the boys refuse to visit their father. She sends a cell phone with them when they go with their dad and calls them constantly. He pays an outrages amount for child suport due to having a government job. It's sick the things she does and now she is trying to take him to court to take away all visitation rights and to stop him from even writing or calling them at all. She is claiming he is putting them through mental abuse. They can have anything they want when they are with their father and the know it. They are also 14 and she treats them like they are 8 and can't do a thing for themselves. She tells them they have learning disabilities and they need her. It's sad and now it's all up to the courts. The whole family had to submit statements on what she is doing to the children. I just hope it does some good. Yeah the woman can be more cruel than the dad's. At least you don't hear too much about some dad not allowing mom to see the kid.