old age and me

Tweet

To say that I am growing old gracefully is easy. The fact is I am growing old painfully. Accept changes that come with ageing. It is difficult to believe, forget accepting that I cannot jog and walking can be painful. My knee joints keep wailing. Yet I am supposed to be serene old man. It is true that I never used my knee joints as much as I did my buttocks. Sitting was my job. Sedentary job, drive from home in a chauffeur driven sedan, alight with dignity as the people from the security to a, b, c everyone get up to salute. There were times when high post in the government, power, and wealth exuded from all parts of my body. I think I still have the wealth, power if I choose to call old friends to fix things, but position that is gone. When I vacated the Director General's post I felt light and relieved. I also had a great sense of accomplishment. The send of party is still stuck in my mind, as clear as a movie; I can view the party in repeated flashbacks. What happened despite all the victories, the glory, the achievements? Did I change the world? If I die today the world will continue to go on perfectly well the way it has gone today, to turn it into yesterday. I chaired many prestigious high-level discussion forums. I was smart. But really was I smart? Did I have the wisdom to reflect that the body, which is enabling me to do all this needs my attention to? Knees, I never thought of them or spelled the word in my forty-three year career. The knee yells at me now. It had been quiet all these years. I sat; I spoke. I rested on my bumps, and used my brains. Knees and other joints all joined in to let me achieve the success that I did. Fortunately or unfortunately I do not know but I did not require even to go to a doctor. People envied my health. I took for granted my body and its well-being. Like a farmer I plucked the fruits of labor, but did not acknowledge the instruments, which are my own bones. I did bring innovation in gadgets to bring comfort and convenience and I made sure that once installed they did not go into disuse and rust but that they were well maintained. That was my specialty, or I thought it was, to foresee and make arrangements for long-term maintenance of the project in all its aspects. Robert, I told myself if anything can go wrong than it will. This reminder made me take all round care of a project. I commended myself about the speed of decisions; it was recognized for this specialty. No matter how quick but were the decisions correct? Did I know that I do not know that some decisions are to be made? Is that not neglected? Of course as it turns out to be it is an unpardonable neglect of my physical well being. A kid has a mother to scold him, to remind him to take care of all things. But I had no guardian angel. I thought of myself as the most capable person. Self made man. How true it is that God could not be everywhere so he made mothers. How blessed is a kid? I am not kidding but the knee pain has taught be a lot. A silly mistake in a game and even though you come out a winner in your career you are a pitiful failure in your self. By your self I mean, up keep of body. The single most important instrument that was a vehicle for my mind was cast away. No attention paid. No maintenance drill given. I accomplished a lot and though this pain (I still cannot befriend it. I feel like cursing but I know I will not do that) is my partner for life and I will feed it with analgesics from time to time so that it does not incapacitate me, I acknowledge today that this is a blessing in disguise. If there would have been no pain I would have raced. And where would the rat race lead me? Where does a rat race lead anybody? I was a winner, but a winner in a rat race is just a rat. Today I chose to accept the knee pain as divine intervention. A kind of policing that was called for to prevent me from taking the wild run, goaded by insatiable mind. I will look at the suffering of the blind and deaf not, as mere statistics on my paper and swift command of a policy decision will no more be victory over the pain people suffer. Yes, 'sensitization' that is the word. The knee pain has sensitized me to the pain and suffering that real people actually experience and so many live with it. I think it has been a long monologue. It is perhaps another way of shedding tears. I thank mylot to have allowed me to leave my tears here. I do feel relieved. Everybody out there, now I can say I know you, I feel you because I feel my pain. Pain like a thorn on the rose plant will adorn the flower of alluring success in my life. I accept it. I choose to learn from it. Sometimes being stuck in the traffic is annoying and one wishes he had a road straight to home, a road just for himself. There are several people traveling and the traffic control may be painful, is nonetheless essential. I thank you myLot. drashok. In a lighter vein: Though I fear of dying and am not sure of tomorrow, when I wake up in the morning it is this pain that tells me, "Buddy, you are still alive" and as Robert Frost said, "I have miles to go before I sleep."