My mother hates me

@mkup30 (494)
United States
December 20, 2006 5:25pm CST
She thinks I am an absolute zero and she always puts me down. She says I am pathetic b/c I don't have any kids and I am already 26. I am married though with a good job, a good career, an MBA, and my husband and I own a successful business on the side. She hats my husband b/c he is relgious (same faith as hers though) and she hates him because he is not a doctor/lawyer or engineer. She talks so badly about him and me and the day before our wedding she told me she wasn't coming to upset me the day before. She did go though and after that she said how horrible it all way. I thought it was amazing though. I don't know what to do but I truly believe she has a chemical inbalance b/c her anger is unreal and EVERYTIME we talk she trash talks me and then hangs up on me. She says she is pefect though.
6 people like this
104 responses
• United States
21 Dec 06
Your mom and my mom are twins from a past life or something.....my mom is just more manipulative because we do have kids and she doesn't wanna be cut off from them. Unfortunately, some moms don't have the maternal instinct that makes us love our kids unconditionally and want to build their confidence. It could be a chemical imbalance, but I think more than anything, your mom really doesn't like herself and she's projecting that on to you. Good luck. I'll be praying for you. :)
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
21 Dec 06
My mom on the other hand really wnats nothign to do with my kids becaue they are an extention of me....I always believed too that with me its really easy for her to hate me. I was adopted and when i didnt fix their life or marriage by being a part of the family I no longer served a purpose and when I opened my mouth about the abuse that was it - she really went full blown after that....Some moms really dont have maternal instinct without a doubt and I suspect that there are serious issues in my mothers past that make her the way she is but her biological children are gold to her (she's still a screwed up parent mind you even with them...all three of us are messed in the head) its just me that is the so called bad apple, troublemaker, useless etc...i also know mothers who really dont have that maternal instinct but are aware of it..thats a harsh thing to see too
@bevanamit (645)
• India
21 Dec 06
I think u n ur mother don have a good relation,a mother shud support her child in any way she can..or that ur mother is very possesive about u n ur family or sumthin like that..
• United States
21 Dec 06
The only thing you can do is go on with your life. If it comes down to it you may have to put her out of your life. No one should have to deal with what your going through. In the mean time be strong and don't let her attitude get you down. Not everyone is ready to have children by their mid twenties. If your career is your baby right now nurture it. Help it grow then when you and your husband are ready you'll have a baby.
@mkup30 (494)
• United States
21 Dec 06
thanks so much for the encouraging words, i used to think that we have to put up with parents no matter what but maybe we really dont...
• United States
21 Dec 06
Wow! your situtaion is so similiar to mine. My mother does all of those same things to me and my husband. All I can tell you is to pray for her. I think my mom is in a way jealous of me because her life didn't turn out the ways she wanted it to and now that I am enjoying my life she is jealous. But nevertheless they are our mothers so I guess we are just stuck with them.
@mkup30 (494)
• United States
21 Dec 06
yes but my mother's life was great, she married a great man with a great career and financially stable, they lived in south florida, so nice there, all their lives ...
@Kackie3 (345)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I am still trying to figure out what kind of mother would treat a child of hers like this. I would have to ask, how in the heck did you manage to get to 26 years old with a mother like this raising you?
@loved1 (5336)
• United States
21 Dec 06
Why do you continue to interact with her? I know she is your mother but there is a way to stop this. If she wants to spend time with you make sure it is in your house. When she gets to your house let her know that with all due respect you have certain rules at your house about conversations. Tell her any negative, critical, or derogatory remarks will not be tolerated. If she can be nice, let her stay and visit. If she is her same old self, ask her to leave. In this situation you are only the victim when you allow yourself to be the victim.
@mkup30 (494)
• United States
21 Dec 06
yeah you are right I am a victim and im tired of being one, she emotionally and verbally is abusive
1 person likes this
• Ireland
21 Dec 06
I agree with loved1. And if you go to visit your mother and she starts criticising you, just get up and walk out. Tell her that from now on if she's going to hurt your feelings then that's what you'll be doing
1 person likes this
@bindishah (2062)
• India
21 Dec 06
Ok babe you know what...there is something seriously wrong with your mother. Looks like she is removing all her own frustrations on you. maybe she feels inadequate herself and feels the need to make you feel the same way. I think you should suggest she go for counselign to deal with her issues. There's nothing you are doing wrong and I think you should just live your life and not let what she says affect you in any way.
@mkup30 (494)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I cant tell her to go to counseling cuz she says she is the perfect mother. if i ever told her that she would just hang up on me....again..
• United States
21 Dec 06
It's going to be difficult but you're going to have to ignore the negativity that your mother brings your way. You are a grown woman now who makes decisions that are best for you and your family. When your mother was young, she did this for herself so now you must do it for yourself. Don't worry about the negativity that she brings to you.
@Kackie3 (345)
• United States
21 Dec 06
That's right, life is too short to be miserable over this. If she is going thru some bad times, herself, maybe in time she will change for the better. Has she always been like this? When did it start? Those are things you need to ask yourself.
@chaitu33 (815)
• India
21 Dec 06
no mother in this world hates her child. there may be some reason because of which she is behaving like this.try talk to her when she is cool and ask the reason for this sort of behaviour.
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
21 Dec 06
HA well thats a big fat load of crap! I can tell you right now that YES there are mothers who really do HATE their children..My mother is one of them and no its not imagined or a misunderstanding....I'm 36 yrs old and to this day that woman is horrid to me..I have lived it, my friends have seen it first hand and my mothers peers in our old neighbourhood have talked to my husband about it from when i was a kid....yes, a mother is in fact capable of hating her child..
• Malaysia
21 Dec 06
Don't worry dear, you are not alone in this matter. I too have a mother who is like that. Even though she isn't very aggresive as your mother, every time we talk we would end up in fighting. I love my mother but she keeps hurting my feelings. I don't know how else I would want to talk to her. Now I just stay away from her, I mean is that I try to avoid her to avoid the arguments. She hates my husband from the beginning of our marriage but now she seems beginning to accept the reality after almost 10 years of our marriage. However it is difficult to forgive her, after what she had done to me. The irrespectfulness, talking bad things behind my back and never approve on whatever I do. She always look down on me on everything I am associated with. In short she never agrees with me. Sometimes I think she never wanted me to be born in the first place. But I have a wonderful father. To him I found my strength. I love him very much. So, hang on there buddy. You are not alone. You know that now you have a friend who understands.
• United States
21 Dec 06
You and your husband need to remember that her problems are HERS. Not yours. It hurts, I know from personal experience. All you can do is straight up tell her that her behavior will not be tolerated and if she can't be civil, then your relationship must end. You'll never understand why she is the way she is so you've got to just let it go. Work on forgiving her thought you'll never understand why. Here's a link to a great article that helped me: http://yogajournal.com/wisdom/736_1.cfm?ctsrc=blurb2 I hope it helps.
@jdmill83 (28)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I know what you are going through, my father and I have never gotten along, since the day I was born. It's really depressing but I've learned that you can't let it get to you all that much. It's awful that she is being like that. Becuase my father couldn't respect me enough to be civil with me I made the decision to tell him to either accept me or he would be out of my life until he respected me. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not, but I couldn't handle what it was doing to me and the way I was being treated by my own father. I hope you can work this out... it is no fun at all.
@mkup30 (494)
• United States
21 Dec 06
wow so what did he choose to do? My mom is so proud she would never talk to me again..in the past we went an entire year without talking. That was the year she disowned me for dating a guy she didnt like. she talked bad about me to this guy and the guy told me and she said he was lying and to get rid of him. I know he was telling the truth and that she really did talk bad about me cuz he used words right from her mouth, same phrases, letdowns etc.
@SparkyG (357)
• United States
21 Dec 06
To me it sounds like her anger steems from her jealousy of successfull life. If it was me I would have to sever the relationship. I would never be able to be truly happy with someone trying to bring me down all the time. If your happy with the way your life is going then that is all that matters.
@Kackie3 (345)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I agree, it does sound like jealousy, because of your success, and probably your youth too. Parents sometimes resents the fact that they are getting old and the youth of their children tends to make them want to have that youthfulness again.
• Philippines
22 Dec 06
I do think your mother is the problem, not you. She's a perfectionist. If you think you're okay with who and what you are, don't mind her. (I know that's kinda bad advice.) But if she only makes you feel bad... Anyways, try to talk to her about it. Maybe she'll wake up and see you for the good you are. Don't worry, you can work this out. You alone know your worth. Don't let others pull you down or think you're bad just because they say so. Even if that someone is your mom. God help you..
• Australia
21 Dec 06
Comments like 'no mother hates her child' are completely rediculous. Some mothers are total cows and, whatever the reason, they do seem to hate their child, who they see as competition rather than a joy. Mkup30, my mother was like yours only she told me that with a child like me there was no point living so she tried to kill herself. I rescussed her (you know, because I am so evil and all that) and then she sent letters to EVERY SINGLE member of the family telling them why they should hate me, and filled it with lies. Now I am a nice person, I have spent my life giving to others, I have a good sense of humour, and plenty of friends. She brought me down to her level of hate and sadness and my solution was to walk away. It was hard, and I didnt always have the support of family, but it was the best decision I ever made. Some people are like poison and you wouldnt go and down a glass of poison every day would you? I still tell people about the good times I had with her when I was younger, but I dont give her any credit for providing me with any support from the day my parents separated when I was 17 years old. Big hugs to you - its such a crappo feeling to be where you are. You are obviously successful, dont forget what you DO HAVE.
@abakers (72)
• United States
21 Dec 06
Sounds like she is envious of your life. Maybe she is jealous of all of the great things that you have going on. I think that you should stand up for yourself and tell her that if she can't respect you and your husband that she needs to back off until she can. You don't live your life for her and as long as you are not hurting her in any way she should be grateful that you are happy. That is what parents are suppose to do.
@ais_nedla (163)
• United States
21 Dec 06
imho, your mother is a very insecure person. nobody puts down somebody unless they themselves are insecure. happy people dont put down other people. i have the same relationship with my dad. it used to bother me but not anymore. i think he's a loser and deserves none of my attention. dont let her bother you because that's what she wants. she wants to play with your mind, dont let her do that. no no no.
@vipul20044 (5797)
• India
21 Dec 06
I Think she is living in her own world There are times when people have this misconception that they are the best and fu#$ the rest! I mean siriously But then there can be only one solution When things arent in your favour you have to make them go towards you what am trying to say is that just try and make her feel that you arent that bad as she thinks Try to prove you are better than her THen she will automatically come out of her dreamland
@lelenoise (189)
• Italy
21 Dec 06
She is perfect? Well...she's the only one in the world!!! She doesn't hate you. It's only anger, anger for something bad she has lived in her past...
@rice5899 (193)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I am sorry to see that you are going through this and will say that you are not alone. My mother ridiculed me when I was younger, she said I would amount to nothing, that I have no personality, looked like a clown, etc etc. I choose to put her out of my life pretty much. Not everyone is happy about that, but I didnt need that negativity in my life anymore
@redmondn (33)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I've heard a lot of situations like yours. And you know what, IMO I think she's just jealous of you. You probably have everything that she's ever wanted and she is just jealous.. and that is so not fair because you are her child. I'm really sorry for your situation but I hope that someday your mom realizes what she's lost with her child.
@zemughul (180)
• France
21 Dec 06
maybe you should try to show her that she also has defects and imperfections..?
• China
21 Dec 06
I'm sorry to hear the news. I don't know how to deal with it. Anyone can help mkup30?