Should I Ever Forgive My Mother

@MissGia (955)
United States
December 20, 2006 6:06pm CST
At this particular moment in time i dont speak to my mom. I havent seen my mother since 2002 when my grandfather passed away. My mother has done some really screwed up stuff to me and made some really bad judgements. When i was little, she lied to me and my sisters when she left my dad and said he would be coming down to NC after he got off the road (he was a truck driver at the time) After a few months i finally asked her "where is dad" for like the millionth time. we were at my aunts house when she finally told me that he was never coming, and that she left him. After i found all this out, i found out that my dad came home to an empty apt, which hit him real hard. My dad tried to kill himself, he ended up being homeless all because of my mom. I never forgave her for that but i still lived with her as i was only 11 years old. When I was 12 she started dating this guy, he was nice a first but then he just totally changed into a mean control freak. He put me through years of mental and emotional abuse. My mom left him once for me but then 2 months later guess who moved back in. When i was 16 the most horrible thing happend, which im ok to talk about now. While my mom was at work one night her boyfriend raped me. He told me if i told anyone he would kill me and my family, i was horrified. The following weekend i went and stayed with my cousin and i grew up with her, she knew something wasnt right..so i was pretty much forced to tell her. By the time my mom came to get me my face was all blotchy from crying so she starting questioning me, asking "whats wrong" and then finally i told her. We were on a highway and she just slammed on the breaks, just stunned. She believed me and was mortified. When we got home i went to take a shower and when i got out i came out into the living room and they were sitting together and my mom says "HOW COULD YOU LIE LIKE THAT". I stopped dead in my tracks i was baffled. while i was in the shower she confronted him and he denied it all and said i was making it up and she ultimatley believed him. I was crushed, how could my own mother, the woman who gave me life take the word of a low life redneck over her own daughter. Soon after i moved out and began living with my sister, and my mother and I's relationship has disintergrated since then. What do you think after hearing my case, should i ever forgive the woman who gave me life?
11 people like this
113 responses
@nana1944 (1367)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I must tell you that forgiveness is not for your mother's sake. It is for your very own sake. It is hurting you and for the wound to start healing, start with saying you forgive her. She may not admit that she was wrong but at least you know the truth. Rely on God to help you heal.
@kunal1702 (233)
• India
21 Dec 06
Gia, it is sad to hear this......I hv no right to give you a conclusion.........but still i can give u my view & leave the rest on u...........Just put yourself in yr mom's position.....Definately smthing might hv happened with between yr mom & dad may be a small incident but cause a seperation......& she was already too emotional when the new guy came.....He took advantage of this & gain her confidence which finally grown with time... then that mean guy take yr advantage.....by not speaking to yr mom will not fetch you the reward of harming the man who did injustice to u........instead of this you should keep a big heart & be more patient towards yr ultimate goal of seperating the guy-mother relationship......as she will one day cry for this.......Being a matured responsible daughter take care of yr mother as she is going on a wrong path...even yr dad wants that too from heart...........rejuvinate yrself now & gain the confidence of yr mother & then seperate the two........ plz feel free forany further suggestion....i would love to help u in this case after knowing what happened with u.........good luck ....take care....
• Pakistan
21 Dec 06
wel said kunal,,i agreed
• India
21 Dec 06
Gia ,plz reply..waiting for it???????
@MissGia (955)
• United States
21 Dec 06
thank you for the response and sorry for the delay of response, holdiday season, busy :) I have put myself in my mothers shoes and i just cant gather how, even after putting myself there, that she could do some of these things. You don't lie to your young daughter (i was 10ish when she took me away) and just completley rip her from her father. How can someone who gave you life and shares an unbreakable bond with you believe you one second and then that quickly change her mind. You wanna know what conclusion i came too.I believe she loves him more, and apparently her love is blind. And i understand when you say responsible daughter, but how can i be one for her when she wasnt a responsible/caring mother for me.She didnt show it for me and i am in return not showing it back. She lives in the south and I live in the North, and whenever i can Make it down there i plan on confronting her, i am a woman now..im 21..i feel its time i can confront her about the situation in an adult like manner..if she doesnt wanna listen then well..I have my father atleast
@loved1 (5332)
• United States
21 Dec 06
You should definitely forgive her. Do this for your own benefit, not hers. If you don't forgive her and move on with your life it will continue to eat you up inside. You deserve to have some peace. Understand this though, forgiveness does not mean trust. I would never ever trust this woman again. I would not trust her with my safety, my children or my secrets. She definitely makes some bad choices. I don't understand what would make a woman do that. It would benefit you to move on with your life and leave her behind before she destroys your life even more.
@MissGia (955)
• United States
21 Dec 06
i dont talk to my mom, and i dont plan on it..the only way i would ever even talk to her again is if she left that low life she's with. what im trying to get at here is should i make her a part of my life again, i feel that comes with forgiveness. I have moved on with my life and this situation doesn't eat at me, i've just been thinking about if i should forgive her lately.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Dec 06
Your mother obviously has some issues of her own. Let her deal with them. You shouldn't have to forgive her. There may come a time when she comes to her senses, or not. You get yourself to a better place sweetie. Huggers.
1 person likes this
@acosjo (1904)
• Canada
21 Dec 06
That's a tough one. You definitey have to find some peace with this and quite frankly, I couldn't even begin to tell you how. All I can say is you have to do what you feel is best and at the end of the day, be happy with what you have decided and move forward. From what you write, I can sense (I could be wrong, but something to that magnitude would probably be with you for a long time) you're still hurting so maybe the best thing to do is forgive her and move on. If you feel you cannot forgive her, then leave it at that and move on. The key is to move on and be at peace. I'm sorry that happend to you. Never should have! Good luck to you.
@Metallion (2228)
• United States
21 Dec 06
Well if this indeed happened (sorry I'm skeptical about a lot of these stories now that so many pop up on here and many seem to be an attempt to get replies to increase their earnings), I would still have to consider forgiving her. Keep in mind maybe you weren't the only one that was threatened but maybe she is controlled by him with physical force and threats? She may be scared to take a stand against him.
@MissGia (955)
• United States
21 Dec 06
Thank you for your comment and i can understand your skeptisism, but i can assure my story is 100 percent true. I didnt start using mylot to make money, i just enjoy engaging in discussion with people from around the world. If i was gonna post anything to raise my earning it would just post a bunch of mindless dribble. :)
@acosjo (1904)
• Canada
21 Dec 06
That could be true as well. If he was threatening you, maybe your mom was being threatened too. Who knows?
@MissGia (955)
• United States
21 Dec 06
very good point, i've thought they she might be being threatend before but there was a point when i was living with her if you read the story where she left him..she didnt have to go back to him. She went back to him, he just didnt magically find us. Im the type that would walk away from an unhealthy relationship like that, my mother should do the same..and i think thats why i harbor some of my resentment towards her.
@plumwish07 (4059)
• Indonesia
21 Dec 06
Dear friend, i know its hard for you to forgive your mom after what she already made in your life. But with take hurting in your heart and not forgive her also wont make your life better in the future. I know what she did to you is unforgiven but however its better to you to forgive her. Like or not, she is your mom and you borned from her. Forgive what already happen with you and take good step for your future. I have problem with my mom and dad also and i was so angry with them also. How could my parents did the things that parents shouldnt do. Angry, fed up, hurting also was in my heart on that time, but i realized there was useless if i still kept that feeling with me. Its not change anything, right? And your life experience almost same with Oprah Winfrey's life. But i see her can stand up with her feet and told her audience the big step and hardest one that she took in her life was apologizing people who hurting herself then she can feel what her life should be. Dear friend, i suggest you to have time to watch Oprah's show if possible there is lots of solution in handling life. I learnt my life should be from this show. Just try to forgive, dear its hardest thing but it will affect much your life in the better side.
@jwpadd (189)
21 Dec 06
Yeah... Your mom's always your mum, remember that. If it wasn't for your mum, would you be here?
@MissGia (955)
• United States
21 Dec 06
Thank you Plum and JW for you kind responses. I believe my biggest conflict here is the fact that my mom gave me life and i should forgive her..but i must first understand why she did what she did before i can forgive her. And thank you for the Oprah suggestion, She is a strong female icon and i could probably look into some of her stuff for advice or atleast hope that my situation can be resolved. Forgiving and apologizing to people is very hard..mostly forgivness
@caribe (2465)
• United States
21 Dec 06
I am so sorry that you have had all those bad things happen to you and that you didn't have your mother to turn to for emotional support. I think, though, that you should forgive your mother because it will harm you more than it does her emotionally. I don't know what your mother could possibly have been thinking to put her boyfriend's word above yours. Maybe he was so good at twisting the facts, and that coupled with the fact that your mother wouldn't want to believe that her boyfriend could do such a thing, caused her to believe his lies over what you told her. I saw something similar happen to a friend of mine, so now the mother and daughter rarely see each other. The mother in this case just can't understand why her daughter doesn't want to be around her more. She doesn't realize to what depth that she has hurt her daughter. She is oblivious to the fact that it was a life altering hurt that she did to her daughter, by not believing her. Hugs to you, sweety, and whatever you do, know that there are people who care here, even if we don't know you personally.
• United States
21 Dec 06
I will not say I know how you feel because I don't. I can only imagine how you feel. But I do empathize with you. I feel your anger and sadness. And I do understand why you'd feel both. All that being said I think you should forgive your mother. It doesn't mean the two of you will be bosom buddies. But it is better to forgive her while she's still alive rather than waiting until it's too late. Then you'd have that burden to carry around. For give her but keep her at arms length. Maybe one day things will change and you and your mother will have at least a cordial relationship. Good luck.
@LoYaL132 (335)
• Netherlands
21 Dec 06
I think its better to forgive her. I couldn't see my mum for about 4 years. I would turn crazy. My mum allways was there for me and she raised you up so just go for it I think
@Ravenladyj (22908)
• United States
21 Dec 06
but thats the key difference..your mum was THERE FOR YOU and I'm assuming loved/loves you unconditionally...if some of us had a mother like that then forgiving would be a good thing....sadly though, for some of us its just not that way..
• Philippines
21 Dec 06
We should always forgive, but I know that you cannot forget what happened. Move on with your life, the trust is not there anymore so just forgive her and be civil. You dont have to kiss and makeup and pretend like nothing happened. Just make sure that you move on and live life to the fullest and learn from her mistakes. Forgive after all it came from you she gave you life but I think thats it... they say time heal all wounds maybe someday... but for now take care of yourself and be brave... I admire you for coming out...
@Ravenladyj (22908)
• United States
21 Dec 06
thats a misunderstood thing....you dont have to forgive in order to move on..I've moved on and healed a great deal from my past but I never forgave any of them..they dont deserve it and it wouldnt be genuine so why waste the time playing the game...I'm better than that and above that, if they want to keep playing amongst themselves then have at it but I dont need to participate
• India
21 Dec 06
Yeah of course... after all she did give u life and relationships b/w mothers and daughters are forever!
@Ravenladyj (22908)
• United States
21 Dec 06
thats BULL! I'm sorry but there really are parent/child relationships out there that suck..saying mothers and daughters are forever is like saying one is always daddys little precious even though the guy is sneaking into her room everynight and raping her..give me a break.
@shijith (349)
• India
21 Dec 06
according to indian culture mother is considered equal to god. so u should forgive any mistakes from her part, ok
@sapna1 (41)
• India
21 Dec 06
yes according to indian culture mother is equal to god. but my dear friend god never wants that his child will treated like this. indian mother always give first preference to their children.
@ais_nedla (163)
• United States
21 Dec 06
this is so sad that this happened to you. i cannot even imagine talking to you. im a guy but i love my mom very much. i think, you should just forgive her. i know its very easy to say but you just have to muster the courage to come up to her and say i forgive you mother. there is nothing sweeter than a mother's love. you are definitley missing out on a huge part of your life by locking your mom out of your life. please pick up the phone and talk it out with her.
@isha900 (1459)
• India
21 Dec 06
yes i agree with stetment i m so regret for u but u should forgive her bcoz she is ur mother
@momoside (35)
• United States
21 Dec 06
A tough call I would say. Maybe a therapist can help you sort through your feelings. Then you can decide. Good luck. Have a nice Holiday
@nhtpscd (1418)
• Australia
21 Dec 06
A family councellor would be could for both parties
• United States
21 Dec 06
no...i dont think so
• United States
21 Dec 06
seasons wont change the fact that there was a wrong done...if the question has to be asked its a no.it cant just be words you need to be ready in your heart to forgive ,and i dont think that if you have to ask than you are ready...it may never happen but no forgiveness is better than false forgiveness.
• United States
22 Dec 06
life is to hard to hold on to hate sometimes its okay to let go. forgive but dont forget...
@onesiobhan (1328)
• Canada
22 Dec 06
Whether or not you ever chose to forgive her is up to you and your conscience. I think you are justified if you choose not to. What I don't think you should do is interact with her any more. She is one toxic human being and she is never going to take responsability for what she has done to you. Ditch her. Choose good healthy supportive people to be a part of your life. You don't need to have posion like that around.
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
22 Dec 06
Forgive - Yes. Forget - NO! She is who she is and at her age she is not going to change. Not forgiving her for being the way she is only hurts you. Forget what she did and give her the chance to hurt you or someone you love - no way! I had problems with my mother. I thought when I was grown up and on my own she would start treating me like a human being but it didn't happen so I broke all ties with her. It took me years to get to the point where I realized the problem was not with me, it was with her and her problems had been caused by her life and her experiences. I also realized I could let her actions mess me up for the rest of my life which would affect my relationships with others OR I could accept that that was the way she was, is and always will be. Then I could forgive her and move on with my life. But I have NEVER let her have the opportunity to hurt me again or hurt my family. I forgive her but I will not forget.
@jen20619 (1302)
• Ireland
22 Dec 06
u poor thing,
@calico79 (173)
• United States
21 Dec 06
A child should never have to suffer like that. Your mother was very wrong for what she did. I do believe that you should forgive her because God says to forgive. But I would tell her how she has made you feel, not in a mean way but in a serious manner. Tell her that you love her and that you forgive her for her actions and then leave the ball in her court. If she wants to be part of your life, she will understand and be rational with you. If she fights with you or gets all upset then just leave it at that. At least you will know that you did the mature and right thing by forgiving her and giving her a chance. Maybe one day she will come around but dont let it get to you. Just be strong and pray for your mother.
@bodomgirl (1617)
• Italy
21 Dec 06
i am really sorry about your story dear..you can't forgive your mom after what she have done, she has to protect you and not do this to you.she believed a ba$$$$d and not her daughter.unbeliveble :-(
@dmanuel (411)
21 Dec 06
after all those things that happened to you- i think not. but then again it's not healthy to carry emotional baggage. it's hard but i think you both need closure. it's gonna be something that's very difficult but hey! someone's should be the bigger person. try to take the first step. good luck!