The Whitest Spanish Girl Ever

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Sometimes i forget that i'm hispanic. i'm not saying i do this actively; it just happens. in a way, acculturation is a sad thing in that the melting pot that is america has a way of absorbing the values and traditions of minority groups and recycling them into a more acceptable pop-culture version. and sometimes, people get too caught up in this, losing sight of who they really are. but on quite the other hand, i get pissed when people tell me that i'm denying my heritage by "acting white." as if it's impossible that i actually like the things i like? as if i'm denying an automatic impulse to dance to spanish music and speak spanish and display flags in all possible areas. what the fu*k!? that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. why should i have to try to be something i already apparently am? could it be that i'm not? hope everyone's heads don't explode on that one. not everyone falls perfectly into that mold. what a lot of people assume is that i was actually that way in high school. what they don't know is i felt a huge responsibility to do so and conformed to the best of my ability. so at one point, yes, i was exceptionally fake. i tried really hard, because it seemed like the easier thing to do, to fit in with those who offered blind acceptance. but i didn't like it, hence the point. i've caught a lot of s*it for "forgetting who i am," and it never ceases to amaze me. i love my family. my dad is the best ever, but that doesn't mean i want to marry someone who looks just like him. that's actually kinda sick. although i am hispanic, i'm not into the whole thing. then i have to wonder what i would have been like if i was born in my family's country of origin. would i have liked it all then? would i have felt terribly outcast? there's no real way to win for me. something very indeniably hispanic in my facial features screams to people 'hey, talk to me in spanish! i love that s*it!' but when they do they are utterly disappointed to learn that i in fact do NOT love that s*it. not even a little. actually, my grasp of the spanish language is mediocre at best, and i don't like sounding like an idiot. and no, i'm not going to go learn because i'm too lazy and not all that motivated. so i feel an extreme disconnect between how i look to others and how i appear to myself. i'm a white girl trapped in a spanish girl's body. (do they have a surgery for that?) my sense of self does include that heritage, but it's more of an existing quality rather than one i act out. and if people can't accept me for who i actually am rather than who they think i should be, they can take their ignorance elsewhere.