I have this girl Staying with me,

My Friend  - This is a friend of mine that i have spent a lot of good times with, She's pretty isn't she? She's sweet too, But she just doesn't seem to have the brains to go with it... Help...
Canada
January 1, 2007 10:13am CST
She's a real good friend of mine, and i didn't truly know her i guess until she moved in... See the thing is i'm trying to teach her everything i can so that she can stand on her own 2 feet when she gets a place of her own, She's even asked me for the help!, But what i don't understand is this girl asks, and then she treats me like hell for trying to help her... Or, I ask her to turn off a light, save some power, I can't afford to give the cats light to play all night... She flips, I ask her where something is, She said she doesn't know, moves it to somewhere i'll find it and then try and say I left it there, When I saw it in her room or with her when we were hanging out. I try and teach her budgeting, she says she's so happy about it, and then goes and spends all her money on cabs... I don't know how to get through to her anymore, Obviously her parents didn't teach her anything, and now it's left on me, because i brought her in... I need to know if there's any other ideas anyone may have on how to get through to this girl so she won't have to learn by falling flat on her face... Cause she's doing it here, and i can't afford to pick up the slack anymore, and neither can my husband or our other friend staying here.
11 people like this
100 responses
@apostrofy (661)
• Romania
1 Jan 07
she;s obviously irresponsible and she totally loves it. so the bottom line is u have to settle some rules. talk to her without trying to teach her budgeting or stuff that her parents never even mentioned to her. so put the problem like this. me and my hubby have some plans so we can't afford to keep things like before, we need to spare morney from now on. so u want electricity all night long ... it is totally ok with us, but half the bill is yours. also try to tell her that by standing all alone she would have had bigger expenses. coz she's u'r friend and u really want to help her u'r only charging her half those money so she can get used to paying bills and earning money. it's basic budgeting but with practice and not theory. they say practice is the mother of all learning so u can try this ... who knows maybe it works.
4 people like this
• Canada
1 Jan 07
She is irresponsible, i totally agree... Unfortunately I've tried the sit down with her, as it worked to help my other roomate, now it's causing more and more problems. I set up a list of house rules and she laughed at them and walked out, I told her if she didn't like my rules she could pack her *^%$ and get out, and she said i will, She's reacting to me as an 8 year old would to her mother... And that bothers me. I set a bill in front of her, took out the difference, from what it normally is, and made her hand me the money... It's not working... Thanx so much for your help, I wish it would work.. I guess my last resort right now is upping her rent, or making her pay a bill on the side... She'll hate me for it, because she already doesn't have the money to shop (Big Problem For Her) but she'll have to deal or move in with someone else i guess... I don't know if i can even do that... If you have any other ideas i'd greatly appreciate it though :)
3 people like this
• Romania
1 Jan 07
unfortunatelly not many ideas lol. so who cares if she hates u for increasing the rent and adding a bill, she's not u'r responsabillity to take care of. i think she kinda lacks common sense. only think if u would change places with her for a months. leaving her with all the expenses and the hard work, and u having a fun time shopping and laughing at her. maybe she needs a hard lesson like that. i don't think it's ok to laugh of someone who tries to help u. u are in someone's home u respect thir rules. i know it sounds bad but a cold shower wouldn't harm her. i think it's the only way she can learn anything. next time she says she will pack and move settle a term for that, coz otherwise she's not taking it seriously, or even better tell her ... goodie .. let's go pack u'r bags. lol. don't get me wrong but she's using u and this is not ok. she needs to have some responsabilities in life to, and most of all respect for the people who try to help her, not to laugh of u by setting rules.
4 people like this
• Canada
1 Jan 07
Agreed, Sounds like a pretty cool plan, That would flip her head in a hurry! haha. Thanx
2 people like this
@armywifey (883)
• United States
1 Jan 07
I would give her a specific time to get her life together and get out. Maybe then she will try a little harder to work at the things she needs to work out. Right now she is filling like she has a free ride and doesn't have to work for anything.
3 people like this
• Canada
1 Jan 07
but that's the thing, she is working, that was a stipulation, and she's also got to pay 200 a month for rent and (Try) and help me with the housework... I taught her how to do laundry, she has to do her own, so i can't really boot her unless her rent goes un paid...
3 people like this
• Canada
2 Jan 07
Not true. You really should get rid if her as she is obviously a strain on your emotions and stressful because you have adopted her like a child that you feel obligated to take care of her. Tell her you have taught her how to care for herself and it's time she got her own place and became independent. You can even help her move out, give her a deadline etc. Betcha she will think of ways and ways why she should stay with you or will take her sweet time looking for a place to go. It's cause she is a leech, or as one of the earlier posts said a Psychic Vampire. She's latched on to you, and is letting you take care of business so she wont half to.
@ifnalife (323)
• Indonesia
2 Jan 07
i think she pretend to be stupid to stay at you house longer. you should arise you rent double for that kind of trouble.or she will willing ly ot off you house for her own
@tambdy (1968)
1 Jan 07
She is playing you for a fool, i know you are trying to help her but she is thinking she can take alone of you. She will never stand on her 2 own feet if you keep lying down and accepting it. If she is spending all her money on cabs she will eventually start to ask you for money. Her parents have taught her nothing about being a adult and she is looking to live in a home where someone will run about after her like her parents did. Hope this helps good post + rating.
• Canada
1 Jan 07
Hey SpitFire :) I read your original post and your replies and I can understand why you are frustrated with the girl. I know she is a good friend of yours but, as you're seeing, good friends can make awful roommates. At this point, she's never going to be stable enough to get a place of her own so I understand why you're pretty desperate to try to "fix" her. She clearly doesn't respect you (or anyone else living in the house) if she plays such juvenile games. If she (or anyone else) is going to be living with you and your husband long-term, then set up a contract (and I'm assuming she has a job?). State exactly what they are responsible to pay -- rent, a fixed percentage of utilities, groceries, whatever. Write it down. Then, you can also state what tasks they are expected to do (some people choose to have one roommate do big jobs like cutting grass or shoveling snow and they get "credit" for it against the amount of their rent... i.e., paying a bit less rent for agreeing to be responsible for something that has to be done on a regular basis). Also state, right in the contract, what happens if they don't pay. Once you've got it written down, go over it together so that everyone is CLEAR on what's in there and then sign it. Make sure that each person signing the contract has their own copy of it and store YOUR copy in a safe place (preferably one that she, or anyone else that moves in, does not have access to). If nothing else, at least you are protecting you and your husband if she doesn't pay her way and you have to get rid of her. She will learn a valuable lesson about contracts and what happens when you agree to a commitment like that. She's not your child... you shouldn't be supporting her financially if she is old enough to not be living at home with her parents/family. I know it's rough when you want to help a friend (I've been burned a few times myself that way) but, if she just laughs at you for making a job list (which was a good idea, btw) then you are going to have to force her to grow up and be responsible. I wish you a lot of luck because she's going to be exhausting.
2 people like this
• Canada
1 Jan 07
Thank you hun, Your very sweet to help with these ideas. Blessed be.
@jurekz (360)
• Indonesia
1 Jan 07
Follow the flow then :D
• Canada
2 Jan 07
i totaly agree. she isnt your child. while i commend you for trying to help her, she is totaly taken advantage of the fact you are friends. Sometimes the best lessons are harsh ones. I would tell her either she shapes up or ships out. She isnt on any kind of lease so there wont be any reason why you cant kick her to the curb. sounds to me while you were trying to do something good, you ended up adding more stress to your life.
@Ravenladyj (22920)
• United States
1 Jan 07
The thing is, its NOT up to you..yes I think its wonderful that you are trying to help this girl out, I'm the same way but you cant help a person who TRULY doesnt want it....I mean is it possible that she only says the right things to when necessary because you are giving her somewhere to stay?...The reality of it is IMO, if it is causing strain in your life on any level and you really arent making any progress with her then its time to re-evaluate the situation and take the right steps.....
1 person likes this
• Canada
1 Jan 07
She came to me asking for help, I didn't push her into anything. If she just wanted a free place to stay she could have stayed with her parents, But she didn't. I think the problem with her is that she doens't like anyone taking athority over her.
@Ravenladyj (22920)
• United States
1 Jan 07
Oh I realize she came to you for help but I have made the mistake of opening my home up to ppl who've asked for my help but then turned around and totally abused my kindness...If she were to stay at her parents dont you think they would have put some rules on her and done the same as what you are trying to do? The difference is, with her parents she wouldnt get away with taking advantage of the situation..with you however it's much easier for her BECAUSE you are kindhearted and have that removed view of her (her parents probably know her better than anyone and would know the tricks and games whereas you wouldnt)..See what I'm saying? bottomline though, if her behaviour is affecting your home and personal life you need to put that first and decide what to do IMO...This girl needs to learn that life isnt a handout and she needs to work for things, leran how to be self sufficent etc etc.....Sooner or later she'll have to grow up and stand on her own two feet because you and ppl like you in her life cant hold her up forever ya know...
1 person likes this
@krizz420 (4387)
• Canada
1 Jan 07
All I can say the girl has to be ready to learn and change if she wants to make it and from the sounds of it shes not. Id just tell her she only got so long to get her crap together or your going to have to throw her out.
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15317)
• United States
1 Jan 07
After all I have read I would not ca.ll her a good friend. She is taking advaantage of you. My granddaughter is the same way. She all loving and happy unless yoou ask something of her that might interfer with what she wants. We have one car between three of us. She has the most use of it. any time I or her brother have a need of it oh boy how terrible we are to suggest she give up a couple of min of her time.
1 person likes this
@sbeauty (5869)
• United States
1 Jan 07
You don't owe her anything. Treat her like you'd treat a child. Make the rules, and tell her the consequences if she doesn't follow them. Then make sure you follow through with what you said you'd do. If she decides to do things that annoy you, ask her to leave. Some people just can't be helped. I've worked with many BD high school students, and some of them I've been able to help, and others just didn't want to make the necessary changes. It's sad, but it's a fact I've learned the hard way several times.
1 person likes this
@thumper2 (127)
• United States
1 Jan 07
Sounds like she is taking advantage of you and your husbands hospitality, sit down with her and explain clearly what is expected of her, if she acts like a little kid then treat her like one - maybe she'll be shamed into doing what is right. Maybe you need to kick her out anyway, some people will just suck you dry and then move on to their next victims. That's got to be hard on your marriage, isn't it?
@ladyambi (80)
• United States
1 Jan 07
You may have to let her go, because she needs to be on her own to understand budgeting and respecting peoples space. You can always set ground rules and say this is how it goes and if you can't live with that, then you may need to look elsewhere to live.
1 person likes this
@woolfy68 (36)
1 Jan 07
this so called friend of yours obviously has no respect for you or your home,and before things get truly out of hand maybe you should ask her to go, in a nice way tell her that things aren't working out the way they should be and therefore maybe it's best that she left.
1 person likes this
@noobie (103)
• India
1 Jan 07
my dear friend you choose worlds toughest job, teaching a women :P. he he don't include me i am just a girl :D.
1 person likes this
@goldjay (465)
• United States
1 Jan 07
That's sad that she isn't listening to you. IF she asked for your help, she should listen. I would sit her down and say, "look, you asked for my help and if you are not going to take any of my advice then I'm going to stop giving it to you." and then proceed to do so if necessary. Don't let her walk all over y ou. You are doing her a favor and it sounds like you don't even have to be doign it. Good luck to you.
@wahmoftwo (1298)
• United States
1 Jan 07
I know you probably don't want to, but you are going to have to tell her that things aren't working out as they are and she needs to make some changes. She may be angry at first, but if she is a good friend she will come around. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@mari61960 (4895)
• United States
1 Jan 07
I think the only way is to tell her like it is, nicely and with love. God Bless you for trying to help her. You will be rewarded in the end. I belive anyway. Perhaps you could maybe all sit down together and have like a house meeting to set some rules and things. Also it allows each other to talk about things they don't like and do like and how you can help each other live together peacefully. It will just cause stress and hard feelings if she is upsetting the balance of the rest of the house. As long as you don't make her think you are all attacking her it may help. But if you make her feel uncomfortable she probably will just get defensive and shut down. And that won't help the situation. Good luck.. there are some good responses here. I hope they help.
1 person likes this
@pendragon (3351)
• United States
1 Jan 07
My ex used to ask for help with her problems like over eating, over spending etc. I used to simply say, don't over eat, don't go shopping for no reason...and she would scream.."omg you're lording over me!!"literally.Well that got old super fast and yeah she became an ex,lol. For lots more than just that, buts thats how she was about all aspects of life.They ask for the help, but rather remain in the trouble,it's cyclical.They feel guilt and cry for the help but don't employ the answers.Don't take it for too long.
1 person likes this
@snugs228 (27)
• United States
1 Jan 07
I would tell her you brought her in to help her out and it's not work ,so she has x amount of time to leave.No hard feelings,but if she's not willing to learn then why bother.She is just using I think.I think she's a lot smarter than given credit.
1 person likes this
@azriel (2108)
• Philippines
1 Jan 07
you know, i've been in a situation quite similar to yours. i've tried helping a friend stand on her feet. at first you get the impression that they really want to change, then later realize that they themselves refuses to change. know why? because those kind of people wallows in it, the attention your giving, the symphaty they get. you'll just be emotionally drained if you let it continue. your friend dont need people to help her stand, what you need to do is give her a hard reality check, brutal even, to force her to stand on her own. if shes a good friend, she'll realize that what your doing is just for her own good but if she's too self centered to see otherwise, then you need to reevaluate your friendship
1 person likes this
@ESKARENA1 (18296)
1 Jan 07
You have to be very firm and harden your heart to your friend. Some people will be irresponsible until they find out to their cost the consequences of their irresponsibility, you have to draw a line in the sand over which you will not go, let her know that if things are not to your satisfaction after a given time you will increase her rent until it become financialy unviable for her to stay there . Maybe then she will realise that she has to stand on her own two feet in this world
1 person likes this
• India
1 Jan 07
how i can help u........
• Canada
1 Jan 07
By reading the question fully and giving me a legit answer thats for more than just point gaming
3 people like this
• India
1 Jan 07
lol .. well said spitfire
3 people like this
@mari61960 (4895)
• United States
1 Jan 07
Why do people waste their time with these stupid comments. If you don't have anything helpful to add...da don't. I gave a negetive for that comment "how i can help u.." It's my little way of giving back to that part of the community...lol