Mistakes in being too familiar.....
By SageMother
@SageMother (2277)
United States
January 2, 2007 1:04am CST
I wonder how many women have been called "dear", "sweetie","honey", or other names by guys here on MyLot?
I don't think they are aware that most.Women over 25 find those names really condescending and disrespectful. It is a cultural difference, maybe. I first noticed it years ago on yahoo. Most Ladies in the USA wouldn't chat with fellows from INdia or the Middle East because their attitudes toward women ran contrary for what usually passed for acceptable conversation.
Is this still going on? I would htink that there has been enough time for fellows who talk to women from many countries to realize they must be extremely formal so that they don't inadvertently insult someone.
6 people like this
44 responses
@ESKARENA1 (18261)
•
2 Jan 07
i am a 45 years old married British man and would not dare refer to a woman by such patronising terms. Yet i do honestly believe it is often done without malice or intention to insult.
I feel you are correct in your assertion that it is the result of over familiarity, probably as a result of relaxing in company. Either way, if anyone is offended then it is something we need to change and we need to be aware of this at all times.
Thank you for reading this
3 people like this
@nuffsed (1271)
•
2 Jan 07
I think respect is a commodity in need of protected status. lol
Like a diminishing breed or species it seems to be something that the old folks remember. lol
Then again, The Internet is still bringing new people and cultures together so some errors are not meant as disrespect.
Perhaps ettiquette and protocol do need highligting more. Hmmmm good point.
3 people like this
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
2 Jan 07
I don't think a lot of people are aware that some women object to these terms of endearment which are really condescending. I find that also in real life older people like myself are addressed this way. When my finnancial planner called me "dear" I told him I was neither a deer, a fox, an elephant or any other animal. He looked surprised and hurt and could not understand why I was annoyed. What women of all ages have to do is to explain to people that they do not find these terms acceptable.
I live in a condo complex and have a very kind young woman (a legal secretary) as a neighbour but I avoid her now since she insists on calling me dearie even though I make a face and raise my eyebrows whenever she addresses me in this way. I have not found it in my heart to tell her openly how much I resent this, mainly because we live in close proximity and often run into each other in the hall or the lobby.
2 people like this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Jan 07
BRAVO! It is good that you have taken steps to limit your contact with someone who obviously doesn't consider your feelings when addressing you!
@shooie (4984)
• United States
2 Jan 07
I don't find this condecending at all and I'm 43 years old and living in the US. Now grant it I'm in the South and well even the waters and waitresses call ya sweetie and or hum of whatever. I think it's a Cultural and a personal thing. I look at it this way could be called a lot worse don't you think?
2 people like this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Jan 07
All terms that I find objectionable are all equal footing. I expect the word to be removed from conversation once I state my dislike for its use.
@fenixtx0393 (55)
• Japan
2 Jan 07
I know that the in the South (of the US), honey is a term that is used for anyone. Everyone calls everyone else honey or sweetie. It drives me crazy! I only call my husband or young children sweetie or honey. The terms really bother me. I also don't really like being called 'mam. I know that is a term out of respect, but when people older than me or the same age as me use it, I don't like it. I will use it though when talking to women older than me.
2 people like this
@Tanika (632)
• Australia
2 Jan 07
I know that i have certainly been called these names and i absolutly hate it. I do try to remind myself that they are usually not being insulting and it may just be a cultural difference.
I also tend to think that if someone is obviously older than you then they are more likely to use the term dear as well. I have been called dear by many ppl in my life not neccesarily just on here, and thay are almost always older ladies. I do try not to get offended though, but it is certainly very offputting.
Tanika.
@Clairec23 (136)
• Ireland
2 Jan 07
I agree it is offputting. Regardless of age, it's irritating when strangers call me names like dear, babe, honey, etc. I would be more likely to avoid that person in future because I cannot stand it.
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Regardless of the speaker's intent or culture, I tend to stop them as soon as they use the word, and correct them or inform them that I expect them to never use it again when spekaingwith me. The tone I use when correcting them really depends on how irritating they have been just before they have used the word.
1 person likes this
@suju15 (184)
• India
2 Jan 07
I heartily agree here.It is pretty offensive when you read such endearments being written for people who probably did not know of your very existence 10 min. back. Moreover at times these words are used for people far older than you.So, please lets maintain some standard of decorum, and each others goodwill, by refraining from making these statements.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Jan 07
most definitely. I just added "international etiquette" and "protocol" to my interests list under hobbies. Who knows, something that is VERY needed might develope!
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
2 Jan 07
LOL if you are going to call me "dear" you'd better be my mother in law, my ex mum in law/ex father in law or 70 or older LOL...As far as being called sweetie or honey...I dont care who it is, dont call me that! Now granted I do call the kids in my life sweetie or hun but they are all under 19 y/o I've known them all their lives and have been doin it for yrs AND they dont mind...if they did they'd say somehting and I would stop (respect) and I have a couple VERY close friends that we call each other hun sometimes but it seems only when one of us is having a rough go of it...thats fine...but a complete stranger (especially someone younger than me) doing it..um...no
2 people like this
@Switchblade (99)
• Singapore
2 Jan 07
Those words are only used for close relationship with someone and not when meeting on the first day.
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Jan 07
That is terribly sensible. So much so that I am shocked when someone does it. It is very close to a slap in the face.
@cliffcliff (1350)
• United States
3 Jan 07
i agree she is way uptight, if you think women should think those words are condecending, then your world is going in reverse.
1 person likes this
@JC1969 (1224)
• United States
4 Jan 07
cliffcliff and warhammerwarrior20,
She actually not uptight, she's making an observation, and happens to be on target with her thought. Most women who have respect for themselves do not appreciate being addressed by others they do not know with these terms, and they are scene as condecending. Those terms of enderearment are considered intimate terms that should be used by someone you are close with, as they have earned the right to express affectionately with you. A stranger, no, not at all. To use them on just anyone, cheapens the sentiment, and the delivery becomes condecending.
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Jan 07
The only time it really annoys me is if someone is disagreeing with what I say and they call me "honey". I just don't understand it. How can you disagree with someone you don't know AND call them honey at the same time?
2 people like this
@ESKARENA1 (18261)
•
2 Jan 07
that is a tool some males use to patronise females when they realise they are losing an argument
2 people like this
@manong05 (5027)
• Philippines
2 Jan 07
Thank you for a very friendly and timely reminder. I refrain from using these words myself but I have always thought that these affectionate words are commonly used in the USA by most people, wether among friends or not. Words like dear, sweetheart, darling among others. I got it wrong then.Thanks for the enlightenment dear. oooops sorry, just kidding.
@spitfire147 (468)
• India
2 Jan 07
Well you cannot say that the attitude of Indians run contrary for what usually is passed for an acceptable conversation. By the attitude of a few Indians you cannot spoil your mindset about all other Indians . I'm 16 and I'm from India myself. As far as such adjectives go , I agree they should be avoided by people if they really don't know the person they are talking to but this doesnt not mean that say it in a negative sense or something. And if women really feel hurt or offended they should say something like excuse me? this will discourage the person from doin something like this in the future.
@ajay22 (300)
• India
2 Jan 07
I definitely agree with you that unless you are very close or know the person very well there should be a distance to be maintained. but I think it should be pointing to any nationalities as mylot is a big community and such post may come from anywhere
2 people like this
@kumikosuzuki83 (161)
• Japan
3 Jan 07
Haha! I get it a lot! But it's ok, I like it and think it's cute! So to all my dearies and cutie-pies who keep e-mailing me...thank you! love you all!!
kumiko
xo
1 person likes this
@cliffcliff (1350)
• United States
3 Jan 07
i agree sweetie!!! i use it all the time as a POLITE COMPLIMENT, not my fault if some people have too much language-control baggage!!
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
3 Jan 07
There will come a time in your life where you will understand the wisdom in waiting before you become to relaxed and familiar too quickly.
It can be a costly mistake!
@edigital (2709)
• United States
3 Jan 07
I support your verse about "honey" and like to add that the word "dear" do not mean serious relationship with any one, it is our common word to address dear in good sense and most asian region and middle east too. sweety we call to even little kids too, honey we call to lover or wife or fiace, so this word only mean serious relationship and should not say until other side accept it. Asians specially Indians, Bangladeshi people very hospitable and they say "dear" everyone at first introduction and this is not for bad meaning. Whatever is respect at first and wording according to range of relationship for everyone is important for long lasting sweet relationship.
@steffylikewoah (1762)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Guys from the USA also say things like that. I never really thought about it before until I read your post. I suppose it is a little wrong. But in this day and age, what can you do?
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Jan 07
In this day and age youcan stop them and inform them that, should they wish to continue conversing with you, they will not use the words that you find offensive. Those who are sincere will stop using the words, those who are not can talk to other people!
1 person likes this
@Withoutwings (6992)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Thank you for your discussion. I have been called these names a lot on mylot and though the person probably doesn't mean to offend me, I find it very condescending. I hate to be called these names. However, these aren't as bad as being called babe. If you call me babe something bad will happen :)
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Jan 07
It is a kindness to inform those who are sincere about being friendly, to inform them of what you find unacceptable. That way they have a chance to show the care for you they truly intend.
@deep1608 (321)
• India
3 Jan 07
I think if u really want someone to be familiar with you you have to be informal.I mark here....i said informal n not casual.No one should have a casual approach towards you.But if you really want the guys n all to talk real formal with you then i m sorry to say madam but you should not chat with unknown people.Better just talk to those who actually know u n ur habits.
N moreover it would be even better to not to come online on communities like myLot or yahoo messenger etc....
But please do note one thing more that while you were expecting people to talk formally to you ,you are not even respecting a nation's individuality.You said something about Indians and middle east people.Better first you learn to be real formal while talking about a whole nation!
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
3 Jan 07
Nations manage to treat eachother with respect on a regular basis through the application of protocol. These are the behaviours that guard against the misunderstandings when people of different cultures must interact. Until rather recently, those interactions were limited to diplomats, but with the advent of the internet, we must all be conscious of what is too informal too quickly.
As for individuals, if any person is intelligent enough to be online and talking with others, they are intelligent enough to put their best foot forward in presenting themselves as caustious when speaking with new people, male or female. Women, as well as men, are perfectly capable of waiting to see what is acceptable before they use terms that carry connotations that may not be pleasant or acceptable. It is a sign of civility that a person not use a term of endearment where there has been no indication that it is acceptable.
This is find example of how self control, foresight, and basic respect all serve to create a comfortable freedom for all involved.
@JC1969 (1224)
• United States
4 Jan 07
I really agree with you on this, because these are terms of affection and when they are tossed around by just anyone it loses its value and sentiment. I have respect for myself, and believe that people earn the right to use terms of affection--such as your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, parents, grandparents, etc. But, not some stranger you meet for the first time.
I remember one time ages ago, some guy in some yahoo game room I was in, decided to address me and end every sentence with a 'babe' or 'honey. I felt degraded by this conversation, and it quickly helped me form an opinion about this person. He may have been a good guy--even harmless, but because he chose to use intimate terms of endearment without knowing me, it was a bit creepy.
@kursefour20 (13)
• United States
3 Jan 07
Did you know that some men use these names to not get confused with the names of the girls he is seeing? yeah true in some cases.
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
3 Jan 07
I can onderstand the need for that type of concern when a fellow is dealing with mulitple girlfriends, but when dealing with people where intimacy is not an issue, the terms remain inappropriate, unless the fellow has been given some sign, or actual permission, to use them.
