Do I have a father?

United States
January 5, 2007 10:00am CST
My mother had me when she was 21 and my father left her before that. I was born 2 months premature and was in the hospital for a lon time. I am about to turn 24 in a couple of months. I have asked my mom over the years who my father is and she kept telling me that she would tell me when I got older. Well I am 23 with 2 kids and she still has not told me who he is. I have not asked her in a couple of years because every time I ask her it causes an argument. Is there a certain way I should be asking her? I don't think that I would go runnig to the man and prode in his life. Even though I would consider it fair since he is a dead beat dad that gave my mom no support. Thank God that my grandparents were around to help her. What would you do in a situation like mine?
7 people like this
57 responses
@sizzle3000 (3038)
• United States
10 Jan 07
I also have a biological father that has been out of my life for most of my life. My mother is different from your as she told me all about my father. I was very luck my mom married a great man that adopted me. I have always had a daddy. My mom said my biological father was ok but they could not make it. My grandmom told me the truth about him. I went throught the phone book since I knew his name. It took a while but I finally found an uncle of mine from that side of the family and he was very helpful. I did go and meet the man after not seeing him for thirty plus years I met him. He was nothing like I thought and he had no answers for me. I felt like something was missing in my life because I did not know him. Now I feel complete. I have nothing to do with my biological father but I do have closure. You may want to try another approach with your mom. Maybe talk to your grandparents. They maybe able to shed some light on the reason your mom is so closed mouth about your father. The other thing you need to prepare yourself for is maybe there is a good reason she doesn't want you to meet the man. You are still young and maybe your mom thinks she needs to protect you. Another way is if you know his last name use the phone book like I did. Believe me it is not easy to find someone. Another thing is just because you find him doesn't mean he will even talk to you. I wish you lots of luck with this.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jan 07
Thank you for your comment. It makes me feel better talking to someone that knows where I am coming from. I am glad that you met your father. Believe me I have no high expectations of him since I will be 24 in about 2 months and he has not been there for me at all. I have no idea why my mom will not tell me his name. I have not asked her in a little over 3 years because my son was born with a heart defect and has a genetic disorder called GA1. After all that, she still would not tell me. I have asked my grandmother if she knew my father and she said that she did not know who he was.I think she is lying to me. My cousin asked her mom since they were close back in the day and her mom said that my dad was a drummer in a band. So, I don't think that she was raped or anything like that. I think that my mom hates him so much that she thinks that it will harm me if I knew him. I have only asked my mother a handful of times. My mother married the only father I have ever known. He never adopted me so I still have my mothers maiden name(which is my middle name now). People used to ask me why I did not have the same last name as my mother. I don't remember if I asked my mom why I did not have her last name, or I just put two and two together over the years. It is a nagging question in the back of my mind that drives me crazy. Of course when I have a really low day, I think about it. My husband thinks that my mom should tell me who he is. I am so glad that I have him to lean on. Thank you again for the comment. Good luck to you to in this new year!
• United States
5 Jan 07
Both of your first 2 respondants have very good answers. I personally would start with your grandparents. They maybe able to answer the question for you. It could be possible, that she had been raped by an unknown, or just doesn't KNOW who your father really is. It could have been a 1 night stand. There are any number of reasons that this could have occurred. And it's painful for her to talk about which is why she's refusing to tell you. Start with the other family members first. Tell them that you'd like to know for the medical reasons and to get answers. Let them know your intent behind what your asking. I'd also ask why is it so difficult to get the answers from your own mother. Your old enough and you have your own children. It's time you knew what happened. Good luck and god bless.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Jan 07
Thank you for your message. I never thought of it that way before. I guess I just always assumed that she had a boyfriend that got freaked out and ran off. I have looked in her senior yearbook and found nothing. She graduated in 1980 and I was born in 1983. She got pregnant with me in 1982. I have asked my grandmother and she said she did not know my dad. I don't know if she was telling the truth or not. My cousin said that her mom knew and only told her that he was a drummer in a band. I guess that is why I assumed he was a boyfriend. I will post my findings if she will ever tell me. I should not be this scared. I am 23 for crying out loud!
• India
6 Jan 07
Hey, See This Is A Very Important Time For You To Know Whose Your Dad Is....!!! Now, My Suggestion T You!!! Make Her Sit On Chair!! Ask For Water Or Any Other Drink.... Then Say.... Mom, See Now I Have Two Kids And I Think That It Is The Time, For You To Tell Me Who Is My Father....!!!??? Ok!!Ok!!If You Don Wanna Tell me Then It Is Ok!!! But Remember I Have To Tell My Kids About Their Grand Parents....!!! And I Will Find Out In Any Way!!! See Dont Force Her To Give The Answer, If You Force Then I Am Sure She Will Not Tell You About This In Any How!!!??? Best Of Luck!!!!
1 person likes this
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
5 Jan 07
First of all, are you sure you know everything? Maybe he was married when your mom got pregnant. Maybe she never told him. Maybe he never knew? There is some reason your mother doesn't want you to know. It is possible it could fear, but it sounds like there is something deeper. Tell her you have kids now and if for no other reasons you need to know because of possible future medical issues and history that may arrive.
• Germany
6 Jan 07
what is this silly question ?
• United States
6 Jan 07
I could not think of a better question. Of course I know that I have a father. I am just trying to get everyones opinion on my situation with my mother not telling me who my father is. I am almost 24 years old. I was 20 the last time I asked her. It is just a question lingering in the back of my mind that naggs me and I can't take it anymore.
• India
6 Jan 07
It is ok if you ask for once or twice but constantly repeating the same things results nothing. U r so lucky atleast your mother had care for you all these years. It is better to show concern for your mother rather than thinking of person who is out of your sight. Constantly thinking of the issue will not resolve the problem. Be happy with your present family members.
• United States
6 Jan 07
I am not constantly thinking of who my father is and I am not asking her all the time. I have not asked her in about 3 years. I have ony asked her maybe 3 imes in all these years. It is a questions in the back of my mind that naggs me. I am happy with my present family members. I have a wonderful mother and a stepfather, who is the only father I have ever known. I have two step sisters ( that I have not seen in years and they live very close to me) and a half brother that I am very close to.
@juliekay (22)
• United States
6 Jan 07
Obviously there is a reason why she doesn't want you to know who he is. Could be many different reasons why. It might even be to protect you in some way. Maybe he still lives somewhere in your town or city. I dont' know if your grandparents are still alive but I am guessing that they also know who your father is. Another possibility might be one of your mothers close friends. You might be able to find out from someone else besides your mother if you are sure you really want to know.
• United States
6 Jan 07
I have asked my grandmother and she said that she does not know who my father is. I don't believe her. She probably thinks that it is up to my mother to tell me. I have asked my cousin to ask her mother if she know who my dad is since she and my mother were close and all she said was that my dad was a drummer in a band. Of course this was 23 years ago.
• United States
5 Jan 07
No, you don't have a Father, what you have is a man who donated his sperm to create a child. A living breathing human being. Since he has not contacted you in 24 years, he obviously wants no part in your life or in your childrens lives. Explain to your Mother that you only want to know who he is so that you have a complete family medical history in case of any future medical problems with yourself or children. I know that by not knowing that it is causing you undue stress and anxiety. I have a similar situation in my own family. Do you have a copy of your birth certificate? If so, it should list the name of your Father (if your Mother provided it at your birth). If you were legally adopted, by another man, you are talking a whole new ball game.
• United States
5 Jan 07
Thank you for your message. I have looked on my birth cer. and there is no father listed.
@siluka (303)
• Romania
5 Jan 07
it's hard to haven't an parrent or both
@babystar1 (4235)
• United States
5 Jan 07
Yes your mom should tell you who he is,Maybe she thinks you will leave her and go to him.Just ask her again and tell her that you are old enough and have kids of your own and you want to no who your dad is.
@anja31 (708)
• Canada
5 Jan 07
tell her that you would like to know who your father is. It is yur right for knowing who your father is. Maybe your grantparents can help you with it.
• United States
5 Jan 07
Thank you for your message. I have asked my grandmother, but she said that she does not know who he is. I don't believe her. Maybe she thinks that is my mom's responsibility.
@TerryZ (22083)
• United States
5 Jan 07
My mother had me when she was 18 and my father left when I was 1yr. old. Till this day I dont know the man. I do know he is living in another state which would be florida and I am in NJ. I dont think I would go running to the man either. Oh I dont know what I would do.
• United States
5 Jan 07
I am so glad that I posted this. I have never talked to someone that is going through the same thing. My mom had me in in same place that I live now. I have always lived here. I went to the same high school that my mom went to, and possibly my dad. So it is weird that I have probably come in contact with him and didn't even know it.
• Lampe, Missouri
5 Jan 07
my mom and father split when i was just a baby and i don't know him at all other then his name and that he is in prison. i have two half brothers that after 21 years i finally got in contact with them but lost contact again and have not heard from them in 3 years i am not 26. i have gotten a pic of him off the net from while he is in prison and they whys and all. but i would still like to meet him in person go to say i met my father. my sister is 12 years younger then me and was told for many years that her dad was the one our mom was married to. the family now different but who where we to say. any way my mom and him finally devorced and it finally came out that he was not her dad. mom say's she knows who her dad is but will not tell anyone. i tell my mom that my sister should now her father and that she will want to know some time. and she dose but mom will not tell her eather. i don't know why she will not tell other then the father must be someone she should not have been with in the first place. eather way my sister diserves to know. same as you. your mom should tell you for if nothing else for the health reasons. you will need to know what his health problems was where or will be for your health in the future.
• United States
5 Jan 07
I have never talked with someone that knows what I am going through. Thank you for the message and I hope that everything goes good for you and your sister this new year and years to come. In the meanwhile, I will be working up the courage and find the right time to pop the question. My husband backs me up 100% on this. I am glad I have him to lean on. I am also glad that I posted this message. I just started posting yesterday and have found out it is a really good place to come to and talk and get other opinions.
@Netsbridge (3242)
• United States
5 Jan 07
Firstly, learn from my mother's mistakes and make sure the same does not happen to me or my children! What if I told you your mother is either: 1). Very clever and does not want to open pandora's box, or 2). May probably not know who the sperm donor is? Why don't you just let go (seeing he was never there) and carry on with your life? Did you know that a father or mother is actually the man or woman who was there to make sure your one end was always full, moist and happy and the other end always clean and dry?
@DeborahWY (306)
• Singapore
6 Jan 07
Are your grandparents still around? How about asking them if they know who your father is? You have the right to know your father, given that you are a full grown adult. Otherwise, find a good time to talk and explain to your mum. She may have a difficulty too - assure her and try to understand her difficulty.
@Hailor (16)
6 Jan 07
Its a pitty people need to go through life without a parent or parents in their lives, at least you had your granparents that could help support your mom. I seem to feel that your mom is only trying to protect you, but in protecting you she seems to be pushing you away, and hiding the truth. A good honest talk would be in order, just tell your mom how you feel, and that you feel that you are old enough to know. I am sure she will understand
@anushri (961)
• India
6 Jan 07
welll dont ask ur mom again and again it will trouble ur mom and will also disturb u now ur with ur mom tht was ur past so leave it and stay in present
@banel2007 (263)
• Romania
6 Jan 07
yes i have father
@snakeyes (569)
• India
6 Jan 07
In my opinion you must not ask your mother very much about your father because it must be very painful for her to remember the person who left her at that time when she needed him the most,and also because of the fact that she has told you that when the right time comes she will tell you so give her some time,maybe the day when she will tell you about your dad is round the corner.
@scorpius (1793)
• India
6 Jan 07
althiough i would like to say that you have to believe in your mum and give her some space and time,but quite frankly i think that if i was in yuour place i would very much like to know who the hell my dad is.i think that every person has a right to know his parents or at least where he/she comes from barring that he is an orphan.that is not the case here is it. so i think that you should pressurise your mum to tell yuo the truth,thats what i would do in your place!
@audbhit (50)
• India
6 Jan 07
Cindy its an experience which is so harsh that it makes u sit up prod.. and i understand that every one of us would like to know who fathered him/her. Who was he who let us brought to this world, but then cindy if your mother is not telling you your father , there must be some reason,so i would ask you to go about it differently ask her that you understand that there must be some reason that you(your mother) is not telling the name of the father, ask her to at least tell you what it is that is preventing her to tell who your father is. Ask her the reason behind it, and let her know that if not his name u deserve to know the reason for not telling his name,and i bet when your mother will speak she will speak it all...i feel sad cindy , i really feel sad, and fell like that i shud give u all the love which a child shud have from her father inspite of your and mine age , i feel like treating and loving you as a child. Cindy ....my li'l child..