Wondering if I did and said the Right thing

@KrauseHome (36748)
United States
January 5, 2007 2:47pm CST
I am strong when it comes to my personal feelings on Abortion, and feeling a person should only consider Abortion as an thought if their life is in Danger, as I believe abortion is murder if in any other form. I hate the thought of many babies being killed each day just so that a woman can live a better life. Would not Adoption be a better avenue? The issue is, there is a woman where I work that I have become really Good friends with. Her and I have talked about issues and things that most people would leave as Tabboo unless you are close friends. She is Married, but also seeing another guy. Not sure if her husband knows about the affair, but the guy she is seeing does know she is Married. I have wondered how this can happen, as they are Both Cab drivers at the place we dispatch Cabs from, but they are on different shifts, so maybe this is how it is avoided of the husband knowing about it. The biggest issue here, is that she was recently pregnant. The main problem or issue was that it was not her husbands. It was the other Taxi drivers. They both knew she was pregnant, but the huband thought it was his. She chose to have an Abortion and had one last Friday. She was over 3 months pregnant, and people were starting to ask her even if she was pregnant. She said the reason she did it is neither man was really showing Support as wanting to be there to take care of a child responsibly, and she said since she already has 2 boys, she cannot afford this one and had no other choice. I have only known this woman for almost 6 months since I started working where I work, and it has only been about 2-3 months that we really have started talking. I am a Christian, and she knows it and expected me to look down on her when she had the Abortion, but I felt as a Friend she was just getting to know, I had no right to judge her. Was I wrong? Should I have said something? I am feeling a little stressed at times, and wondering if I made the wrong move and judgement? What would you have done if you would have been in this situation?
7 people like this
51 responses
• Australia
6 Jan 07
KrauseHome, I have been in similar situations, especially as I work a lot with teenagers. You and I believe that abortion is murder and that many other actions are obnoxious and deplorable - but we love the person concerned. We feel for the person and want to help as much as we are able. Of course you didn't look down on her. We cannot judge people: only their actions. We always love the person concerned. When in similar situations, I clearly let the person know what I believe, but also tell them that NOTHING alters my attitude toward them. In your situation I would have stated my belief, not only about the abortion but also about the immorality. Then I would have given all the support possible without condoning any of the actions. In these days of almost anything goes, it is becoming more and more necessary for us to uphold the old traditions of morality and ethics, and it is just as important to show a genuine unconditional love towards the people involved.
@KrauseHome (36748)
• United States
6 Feb 07
This is a Good comment. I wish I would have known her as well as I do now, and then I would have made more of my thoughts known on how I feel about this, but since her and I were really just starting to become close then I did not really know what to say. But I have let her know since then how I feel about abortion, etc. and that the man involved even if it was not her husband, should have been more supportive in the picture.
1 person likes this
@nuffsed (1273)
5 Jan 07
I am glad to say you did the right thing. You stood by a friend and did not judge. Fact is, I expected to hear you condemning the woman. Especially you being a CHristian with a picture of Jesus on your profile. Well done. I dislike the Bible intensly. It is full of hipocracy. Your friend knows she did wrong I'm sure. I would have to say, I'm sorry you had this awful decision to make but you brought it upon yourself. I will not cover you so you can continue the deception of your husband. You can do that for yourself from now on. If she still has her health, and her Husband, she is a very lucky lady. I'd not want to know a person who expects me to keep all her sordid cheating secrets, especially when they are within my circle and I may have to answer questions. No way ... On yer bike lady.
2 people like this
@mansha (6301)
• India
6 Jan 07
I support this thought, Its her life and we are no one to judge or interfere. About abortion I think, she did the right thing, why to have a child when you can not financially support it and you feel guiltyu for giving birth and if the child is not welcomed ion your life. A kid should be born in to a loving and warm home not where he is born to be disposed of to someone else. I mean keeping that in mind that I will give him away. we all want to be loved and cherished, the unbornm child also would want to be the same. He will go through the life wondering whyhis mother gave him away, why was he not loved by her. I think its a better choice.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36748)
• United States
13 Jan 07
Interesting comments and thoughts here. I know sometimes I know my feelings on what she did is not what I would do, or approve of, but since I am just starting to get close with her, I feel it is best left alone on what I would have done if this would have been me.
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3976)
• United States
9 Oct 07
I think you did the right thing, both as a friend & as a Christian- although I am probably not the right person to make the second half of that statement. I applaud your ability to not judge this woman, not look down on her & not try force your beliefs on to her. Although I am pro-choice, I think this is what being "pro-life" should really be about. Valuing the life of all people, respecting them when their views differ from your own and allowing that people will make choices we don't agree with and that's their right.
2 people like this
@onesiobhan (1330)
• Canada
6 Jan 07
I'd have a lot of problems with some of the choices she's made, even without the abortion. I think there's a point where you have to accept the person for who they are, even if you don't like what they do. If you really can't accept their actions, then you just can't be friends with them. That's kind of the choice you have to make.
2 people like this
@Pigglies (9336)
• United States
6 Jan 07
You were absolutely right to say nothing. She is probably going through enough without needing to be criticized for it. I've known someone before who got pregnant on the pill and had two kids already. They got an abortion because they couldn't afford a third child. For some people, it's just not as simple as giving the kid up for adoption after they're born. Then you wonder and wonder forever what is happening with that child. Not that you won't regret abortion later either. It's a tough position to be in.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36748)
• United States
10 Dec 07
That to me I guess would be just as devistating I would think either way. But I feel my personal convictions are best withheld, and then go from there.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jan 07
I think that abortion is a very personal decision, that only can be made when the situation arises. I don't believe that it should be used as a method of birth control, that's disgusting, but there are instances where the good outweighs the bad. Kudos to you for not judging your friend. She has enough problems she has brought on herself, without having to defend herself to a friend. You should be there for her to lean on, and ask advice of, not judge. Christian or not, you are a good friend.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36748)
• United States
10 Oct 07
I whole heartidly agree with you. Who are we to judge lest we be judged ourselves, and when you look at the situation, some may think "What If" or this could have been me.
1 person likes this
@StarBright (2799)
• United States
6 Jan 07
Good for you because you did not try to impose your beliefs on her. You are a better Christian because you did not sit in judgment on your friend. It is often sad to see stories like this play out before your eyes because you know for sure there is a marriage in trouble.
@KrauseHome (36748)
• United States
28 Aug 07
Yes, and since this Article was started she has stated she has had more than one Abortion and even now went and got her Tubes tied to prevent Pregnancy since she is still seeing the other man besides her husband.
1 person likes this
@jimotman (633)
• Indonesia
6 Jan 07
I myself disagree with abortion in the way your friend did, but I agree with it if it's for saving one's life. In the case of your friend, I think you shouldn't be bothered with it, just let her go on with her life, and you with yours. Remember that she's only your friend, nothing more, so you should let her make all the decisions by herself. But of course, if possible and won't hurt your relationship, you should advice her to leave the other guy and be faithful to her husband.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36748)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Interesting one here. I think a lot of it will take for her to decide for her what is Best for her and her life, and go from there. I have learned thru choices I have made for myself in the past, others may try to help but it is up to me, so that I feel is one reason I can only offer advice, and then go from there.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Dec 07
i believe she did the right thing in her situation, of course every situation is different. and i believe you did the right thing by putting your own personal beliefs to the side and not being judegemental
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Dec 07
If you don't like her way of thinking, then I suggest you find other friends or just not discuss it. If you can't keep yourself from thinking about the fact she is so blase about abortions and yet you consider yourself the abortion Nazi, then I suggest you find other friends. I have a very dear friend of mine that I've known since I was knee high to a grasshopper. We disagree on one subject and we know that we disagree and yet, magically, we never bring it up. We've bonded over tons of other subjects and we manage to leave that one subject we disagree on alone to spare our friendship. He means a lot to me and I know I'm willin to keep my mouth shut just like he is to save our friendship.
1 person likes this
@ssh123 (31096)
• India
9 Oct 07
In India, most people hate abortions, because it is the strong belief that people who are going in for abortions are those who are committing serious sins. Most cases pertaining to abortions are due to total negligence and irresponsibility. Only a few cases are genuine as you said, only when it is inevitable, one should go in. Abortions are not quite common here in our hospitals.
1 person likes this
@elby79 (17)
• United States
6 Feb 07
I think you are a good friend. I always thought that Christians were supposed to leave judgement to God not ditch it out themselves.
1 person likes this
@kiwimac (324)
• New Zealand
13 Jan 07
Judgement is God's. Our job is to deal compassionately with one another. Whether the decision was right or wrong it was still HERS to make and nothing you say will change that. Get alongside her, support her in practical ways and in praying for her, she is a child loved by God and you, as a person of faith as well as her friend, are God's hands and feet in her life. kiwimac
@rosie_123 (6118)
6 Jan 07
I think you did the right thing. The woman is your friend - you supported her when she needed a fried and you did not judge her. In my opinion, abortion is a personal decision - after all it is the woman's body and her life, and no one else has a right to make her do something she is not comfortable with. If she had gone ahead with this preganancy - how many other people would have been hurt and had their lives upset by the possible repercussions of her carrying the baby to full term? If she had kept the baby then she would have been living a lie and lying to her husband - making him believe the child was his - and also to her lover who would never know the child was his. But if she had put the baby up for adoption how would that affect her other two children who would have felt they had "lost" a brother or sister? The stress could have broken her marriage up, and what of her other children then? I think she did the right thing for her and you were right to stand by her.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jan 07
You say you are a Christian and, since you are, I think you did the right thing. As a Christian, it is not your job to judge. That is left to God. Her decision is between her and God and nothing you can say or do would change it. I think you were doing a truely Christian thing by being supportive (even if not agreeing with her choice) and caring.
1 person likes this
@madgirl (210)
• India
6 Jan 07
Every situation has its own answers.. in this situation, you did what you felt was right. For what its worth I think that a woman should have a child only when she wants to. I mean, its easy to say "its wrong to have an abortion". But imagine if a person doesn't want to have a child and only does so because its 'wrong' to abort. She'd resent the child or at the very least be indifferent to it. That child is given a poor start without having done a thing to deserve it. And spiritually, ethically, my personal belief is that the soul comes into the shell (body) so to speak at the moment of birth. Therefore, even if that body is not available, that child (soul) will be born somewhere else. I know you (and possibly others) won't agree with me, but please understand that *I* believe this. And therefore, I woulnd't consider it very wrong to abort a child if they don't want it or if its life threatening or if the child is from say situations such as rape, or incest or any such thing. Having said that, however, I have to admit that I am a little judgemental about extramarital affairs. That's something I would comment on as a friend because well I suppose I'm a little strong minded there. But again, its upto the people involved, I suppose.
1 person likes this
@leedug (920)
• United States
6 Jan 07
I think you did the absolute right thing. Don't get me wrong when I say this, but just because people are Christian (that is great and I respect that), does not mean that they have the right to judge people, which you did not, and that is wonderful. What is done is done, and as much as people may not like abortion ( I personally think 3 months is really WAY too long to wait to do something like that), it is still "legally" her own decision and the judging should be left up to herself and to God. She probably already feels bad enough as is, and that is why she was expecting some harsh words from you, seeing that she knows how you feel on the subject. I really hope she decides which man she wants to be with. It is not fair to either one of them, and definitely not fair to the kids that are already there.
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Jan 07
I think what is most important is how you feel now, after all is said and done. (Let me also say that although I am pro-choice, I can't believe anyone would have an abortion past 3 months...that's just pushing it as far as I'm concerned, but that's just my opinion.) If you think that you should have said something, and that it would have possibly changed her decision and thus the outcome, it probably wouldn't have. This girl is obviously confused, being married and having a lover on the side. It sounds to me like you're being the best friend you can be, considering the circumstances. You're there for her dispite your personal opinions about her behvaiour, and maybe that's what she needs right now. You seem to me to be someone who leads my example, and your example is caring and concerned without judgement. However, non-judgement does not mean that you agree with her actions, and if it clears you conscious, perhaps you should say so. Just let her know that your friendship stands, regardless of the behviours she displays that you may disagree with. Hope that helps...I know you're just trying to do what is right.
1 person likes this
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
6 Jan 07
Sometimes we all need to move past our personal convictions and just be there for somebody. Especially with family. Say your brother or your father commits murder? Would you disown them or would you stand by them and support them? Even though the act itself goes against everything you believe? You are responsible for yourself. You have been granted free will to make your own decisions regarding your own life and life choices. This woman has undoubtedly done the wrong thing and will ultimately have to live with her decisions. Your ability to be a friend and a friend only is commendable and I do appreciate how difficult it would be to not judge her. Being a friend also means offering advice, maybe you can strike a balance that allows you to explain your convictions yet still be sensitive to her needs?
1 person likes this
@pinklilly (3445)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
I think she really didn't want her affair getting out so in order to protect herself she thought it would be earsier to get rid of the evidence so to speak... I don't agree with what she has done, she should have to live with the consequences of her actions. Your a good friend...