I love these jokes..:)
January 6, 2007 12:55pm CST
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman were sentenced to execution by firing squad. When Paddy Englishman was brought into the yard to be shot, he shouted "Earthquake!" The firing squad dropped their guns and ran away, and when they returned, Paddy Englishman had escaped by hopping the wall. Paddy Scotsman was then brought into the yard. As the squad was about to shoot, he shouted "Hurricane!" The squad dispersed again, and he made his escape by hopping the wall. Finally, Paddy Irishman was brought into the yard. As the squad was about to shoot, Paddy Irishman shouted "Fire!"
4 people like this
7 Jan 07
some joke read it if have time............. Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son: “I will choose my own bride!” Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.” Son: “Well, in that case…ok” Next Father approaches Bill Gates. Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.” Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!” Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.” Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok” Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.” President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!” Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.” President: “Ah, in that case…ok” This is how business is done!! Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be +ve… Hey guys, don’t ask me in reply whether Bill Gates has a daughter… I don’t know either
7 Jan 07
A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!
23 Jan 07
Santa was in the dentist`s chair having a root canal done. Every so often the dentist would stick a large toothpick-like object into the tooth`s canal to see how far he had drilled. Each time, this thing caused Santa great pain, but whenever he complained the dentist replied, "Oh, that doesn`t hurt, it`s just a measuring device." This happened a couple more times. Again Santa complained and again he got the same response.21st jan 2003 Finally Santa sat up in the chair, took all the stuff out of his mouth and looked straight at the dentist. "Excuse me for a moment," Santa said. "I have to go out to my truck, get my tape measure and whack you in the head with it. It shouldn`t hurt, though. It`s just a measuring device."
• United States
25 Jan 07
Top ten signs that you are too drunk 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 5. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 3. Roseanne looks good. 2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
24 Jan 07
Torah Scholar A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful feb engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and ok each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job 22 and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." ************ Whatcha Got There? An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." The old man says "What you gonna 05 do with that?" The boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes 26 walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back "Roll of duck 20 tape." The old man says "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees 006 the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy says "It's a pussfy willow." The old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat". ********** Bartendar Bets John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar.. The bartender thinks to himself, "I know this isn't possible" "OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!" the 09 bartendar told John John took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, "You owe me 200.00!!! The next day John came to the bar again. He had a new bet for the bartender!! "I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can piss in this shoot glass and get every drop in? The bartender thought to himself again," No way can he do this!" "OK I'll bet you!" said the bartender. JOHN STARTS PISSING IN THE SHOT GLASS, THEN ALL OVER THE BAR, ON THE TABLES AND CHAIRS, ON THE STOOLS.... "HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!" said the bartender. John said, "Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there? I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could piss on your bar without you getting mad!!!" ************* The Slanty Ryed Foreman Three paddy's (irish men) are in London looking for work on a building site. The first Paddy (the smart one) goes in to see the foreman. The conversation starts. Foreman - "so then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day". Paddy - "that would be 200 brick in a day sir". Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man,20 so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?" Now, Paddy had a look at the foreman and it was obvious, very obvious there was something strange. His right ear was quite high on one side of his head oam and the left ear was quite low on the other side of his head. Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there". Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feck*ers, so you've got the job". Next Paddy walks in, same questions. "How many bricks can you lay in a day paddy?" "200 bricks sir" Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange 21 about me?" Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there". Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other fec*kers, so you've got the job". The third Paddy walks in to see the foreman. Foreman - "So then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day." Paddy - "400 bricks a day sir" Foreman - "By Jesus, 400 a day. I never heard of any man lay 400 bricks a day." Paddy - "Oh, ask any man in Ireland, 400 a day I tell you sir." Foreman - "thats unbeleiveable Paddy. Now obviously I want to give you the job, but, I have to tell you, I admire honesty in a man so take a look at me and tell me do you notice anything strange about me." Paddy has a long hard look. Paddy - " No sir, nothing strange" Foreman - "Come on paddy,07 honestly, what do you notice". Paddy - "No sir nothing strange." Foreman - "Now Paddy, I can't give you the job if you don't be honest, go on have a good look." Paddy stares at him insanely, and then notices something. Paddy - "A sir, I notice". Foremann - "Yes Paddy" Paddy - " You'd be wearing contact lenses". Unexpectedly the foreman enquires. Foreman - "My word Paddy, that's amazing, how observant of you. How did you ever notice that." Paddy - "We'll Sir, were the fec*k would you find a pair of glasses to fit a head like that" ************** Teamsters A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00." "That's more like it!!!" jan the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."