I've decided.....I want my family back!

United States
January 7, 2007 12:45pm CST
I have decided that the relationship with my fiance is OFFICIALLY OVER! We called off the wedding a week or two ago, and now its just been going down hill fast! I have been speaking to my daughter's real father on the phone, and in LOTS of letters, and I decided that I want my family back! He is the father of my child and no matter what has happened in the past, nothing will change that. I love him still and that has never changed, even though I was in a relationship with someone else that I loved and cared about, it just wasn't the same. But, here's the thing. He (My daughter's father) is incarcerated, and will remain there until 2010. I want to move there to the town the prison is in, to be close to him, visit weekly, and keep our daughter and him close so that they can have a relationship when he gets out. I want to commit to him right now, with him being on the inside. Do you think this is really possible, for 40 months? Do you think Im stupid for making this choice? Not just about waiting for him, but the ENTIRE thing. Tell me what you think, honestly.
5 people like this
36 responses
• United States
7 Jan 07
Sweetie, the sad thing about people who are incarcerated tend to talk the talk, but in the end can't walk the walk. I have known so many people that have had maintained relationships with men on the inside only to have the relationship fail on the outside. Sad, but true fact. My exhusband was sent to jail and his letters were sweet and loving. He poured his heart out to me. Told me of the changes he made and how he was sorry for what he put me through in our marriage. Lovely words on paper. Once he served his sentence and he moved back in with me and the kids, it didn't take long for his old habits to reappear. I hate to be a downer to you on this sweetie. But, think long and hard. Life is short. Live it happily.
• United States
7 Jan 07
This is exactly what I have been telling him, that Im worried about whats going to happen when he gets out. And, thank you very much for this. I think I have to go ahead with it though, my daughter needs to know her father....Thank you again.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Jan 07
I wish you the best of luck. Huggers to you and your daughter.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jan 07
Thanks again, so very much.
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17851)
• United States
7 Jan 07
I think that it is great that you want him to be a part of his daughters life so that when he does get out he isn't a complete stranger. 40 months is not very long in the big picture, the time will pass quickly. As for waiting for him, that is your decision and if you are second guessing it then you have doubts that you need to dispel before moving. If the move is overall good for your family, then do it. You will never regret your daughter knowing her father and having a relationship with him.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Jan 07
Thank you. Im not second guessing my relationship with him, or questioning wether or not to wait for him. I just really want some other views and other opinions. Thanks for your response!
2 people like this
@isasice (2015)
• Iceland
7 Jan 07
You are the only one who can decide what to do but in my opinion,you are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I'm sure your daughter will be grateful to you when she grows up if you make sure she can have a relationship with her father if she wants to. She's too young now to understand what's going on but I still think she should be able to visit him once in a while and when he gets out, meet him on a more regular basis. As for your relationship with him. I don't know how your relaionship with him was before but I'm sure you have both changed a lot since then. When we break up with someone, somehow we start thinking about our previous relationships with someone else and only remember the good things about them. I don't think I would give up 40 months of my life waiting for someone unless I was absolutely 100% certain that he was the one and only. Why don't you just stay friends with him for now, without any commitments for the future and then see how things go when he gets out. Maybe you will have found someone else in the meantime, we never know when love knocks on our door. Whatever you decide to do, as alawys, I wish you the very best of luck. Follow your heart.
2 people like this
• Philippines
7 Jan 07
i think nothings wrong with that if you still love him go and follow youre heart and be happy
2 people like this
@treblem (316)
• Philippines
8 Jan 07
hurrayyyyy!!!!! a moment of truth!!! why not go for it?? there's nothing to worry about. do ur best to get ur family back. love begets love. and i think he really needs u this time at the darkest hour of his life. take the risk. all is fair in the name of love. if in the end u lose to get ur family back, at least u have tried. what if u won at the end?? u will never know the chances if u won't try. so go for it friend. have a pleasant day!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jan 07
Wow, thank you SO VERY much. I wish I would have given Best Response to you. Thank you so much for your huge vote of confidence!
1 person likes this
@onlyme123 (124)
• United States
7 Jan 07
Have you discussed this with your daughter? Is she old enough to understand what you'd like to do? That's a very brave move that you're making. When you talk to your husband, are you convinced that he will turn over a new leaf and be a devoted father and husband? Be honest to yourself when you answer that question. Obviously, your love is very strong for him. But since 40 months is a very long time to wait, make sure you have a fall-back plan just in case things don't work out during the wait. Let's say you decided to move. Have a plan in place so that if the situation turns sour over the next half a year, and things are looking like they're not going to work out, you can move on. Follow your heart, but just set yourself real expectations. It will be a difficult wait. You're putting your trust back into your husband. Make sure that he is sincere about starting over and committing to your family. Good luck to you!
• United States
7 Jan 07
She's only going on 2.....
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48708)
• United Kingdom
7 Jan 07
Well really I can not say to you yes you are stupid or no you are not All I can say is if you really love him and want to be with him when he comes out then go for it As for moving closer and letting your Daughter get to know him is a good Idea but will she accept the fact for what her Dad is in there for And of course you have to be sure what you want and if you are able to do this What about if you meet someone else? To be honest I think you need to take it very slowly here and not jump but like I said it has to be your Decision only you know how you feel and what you want I wish you the best of Luck with it
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jan 07
He is in for burglary. Thank you for your response.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jan 07
I will commmend you for breaking up with your fiancee. If you are still clinging to feeling for your daughters father, then that was the best thing to do. Now, honestly, I dont think its a great idea to wait for your daughters father to get out of prison with the idea that once he does you are all going to be a happy little family. What kind of person was he in the past to you and your daughter? What kind of people did he associate with? Was this burglary that he was imprisoned for an isolated incident or was it part of a larger pattern of behavior? One of the failings of prison life, is that, while people are locked up, it gives them time to think about what they have done wrong and im sure the majority of them really want to change. But, its easy to "change" if you are not surrounded by the same things that you would be on the outside. Once they get out and are surrounded by the same people, environment, mentality, etc-it can be easy to fall back into old patterns. Thats why there are repeat offenders. If you havent made your final decision, keep this in mind. Is he a strong enough man to change permanently? Keep in mind all of the obstacles you will face when he gets out (for example, did you know that its virtually impossible for someone convicted of burglary to get a decent job?) If i were you, I would stay put until he gets out (cause your baby doesnt need to see her father in prison) and once he gets out, try to start fresh-dont move in together, dont try to rush a relationship. See how he handles being out of prison and take things nice and slow. I really hope that everything works out for you.
1 person likes this
@kylerrhys (164)
• Philippines
8 Jan 07
I don't know..I think you should wight the advantages and disadvantages... This time use your head and not just your heart in deciding. Also think what is best for you child and not for yourself.
1 person likes this
@tildy12 (760)
• United States
8 Jan 07
I dont think that you are stupide for making that choice.You love him and I understand where you are coming from when you say you want your family back and I hope it all works out for you
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jan 07
sorry to hear that you guys broke off the wedding. i know you have been talking to your daughter's real dad but he's in prison. how can you have a relationship with him there? I know a real family would be great and good for your daughter to have both her real parents around all the time. If you love him like you say then I guess him being in prison won't change that and if you can wait until 2010 then i hope it works out. it's possible to do if you can wait and if the love you have is strong enough to stay faithful to him while he is in prison. i think moving there will make it easier on you to have a relationship with him if you can see him for a little while. your not stupid your in love and that's what love does to you. makes you do things that really seems insane to you. good luck..
1 person likes this
@innechen (1321)
• Indonesia
8 Jan 07
family - family
its hard to tell since you didnt mention why is ur husband is in prison.if he is in jail becoz of doing a crime then i might say its not a good choice, unless if he promise for not doing any crime anymore.but however if u still love him then why not, just follow ur heart, so later if he gets out from prison and its doesnt works at least you've tried.its also good for your child if you get back to the family.i hope everything will works well as u hope, and i hope he can finish his days there earlier.good luck and just follows ur heart
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jan 07
I think you should do it. As long as you are sure its the right thing to do for you and your daugther, then go for it. But only if its the BEST thing for the both of you. Best of luck. *hugs*
1 person likes this
@cheenlly (3482)
• Philippines
8 Jan 07
I dont think so. YOur not stupid because you just follow what your heart desire. Your just honest with yourself and i admire that. I guess its really love that make you stand for it.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
8 Jan 07
Best thing is talk to him... your daughter also needs father. It's hard to grow up having no father. Me, also experience that. My mom and dad separated.
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12168)
• Sweden
8 Jan 07
sometimes we just get confused about love. and that's why you weren't sure of what to do. but i am happy to hear that you are now finally into getting back your family together. it's possible. just 40 more months and he's out. you can start all over again as a family! it will be just great!
1 person likes this
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
8 Jan 07
We often go back to that which we know and is comfortable. They only way it can work for you is if he has really made a change in his life or you have. Good luck.
@kgwat70 (13392)
• United States
7 Jan 07
That is great that you are trying to think about your daughter and her best interests but because he is in jail and for a lengthy period of time he obviously did something very wrong and it is possible he could do more bad things. I would have my doubts about him and this is definitely something you should think about carefully before letting him back into yours and your daughters life. I am sure you can find a better man out there. Sorry to hear that things did not work out with you and your ex-fiance.
@icequeen (2841)
• Canada
8 Jan 07
Well..that is quite the story. I would first want to know why he is incarcerated? I mean you have to think about that...and also that is a long time to be apart...may things can happen... I would seriously think about all of this..and the effect it will have on your child? You don't want to be with someone who is always in jail...that is not exactly a good role model...not to sound mean...but you need a stable home now...that you are raising a child...so please think about all this...and then decide if that is the life you want?
@jchampany (1131)
• United States
8 Jan 07
I feel where you are coming from. I had a similar situation only my ex was not in prison. I had to look at it from a different perspective. I had to stop worrying about me and think of my kids. I had to put my feelings aside for their welfare. In the end I decided to stay away from him. It was not going to be a good move for my kids. There are better scholls and opportunities where we are at right now. I tell you I made the best decision. He was so sweet and loving when I was considering it. Now that I don't want him any more he is mean and hateful and back to his old self. He won't even see his daughter or support her now. I know that it will be hard for her to not have him around but in the end it is the best thing. He is not a good person and she will be better off not learning his cold heartedness. As for your daughter. She is only 2, I know you want her to know him, but do you think it is the best place for her to be seeing him. I think eventually seeing him in such a bad place might be a bad decision. Of course, that is just my opinion, it sounds like you have your mind made up. Just remember, you are a mother now and your daughters needs always have to come before yours. That is what makes us good parents.