Did you realize that a negative statement cancels out a positive statement?

Actually, the act of starting a critisizm with a positive statement is one of the first things to learn in any successful relationship. You're looking at it the wrong way. You're seeing it from the perspective of ... I'm trying to tell them something nice, so I shouldn't tell them something bad at the same time .. which is true. However, if you're trying to approach a subject that will critisize someone, such as not taking the garbage out on time for example, the best way to approach it is with a positive statement for reinforcement. Example: Thank you so much for straightening up your room, BUT you forgot to take out the garbage. This would of course be when talking to a child. If talking adult to adult, for example ... "Honey, I love you .. BUT it drives me insane when you leave your clothes on the floor." OR "Honey, thank you for fixing that shelf, BUT could you stop leaving your clothes on the floor? I think I saw a mouse move in .. he's taking up residence!" The same lines you used are perfect examples of how to handle giving critisizm with positive reinforcement, recommended by marriage councelors, psychiatrists and psychologists around the world. I tend to add humor into the line as well, just to keep things light. :)

Geez Tia, I thought that this was going to be some sort of myLot help, but not this is some sort of personal help thing. I don't know if you know this but I am pretty close to purfect... just as iamdricoll. Okay so I am not. I don't know if I do this, I am going to have to ask the wife. And I don't think that she does it to me, but I do know that it happens a lot to me at my job. But I never really take it the wrong way I don't think I think that at work I should be getting some critizism to make me a better employee. I really don't think that I do do it. But you are right, I think that this takes away all the good thing that you were trying to say to the person the first time.

I've actually heard that for every negative thing a person is told that it takes TEN positive things to make up for it. We tend to remember the negative comments that people make and not only do we remember them, we also replay them in our minds more. When receiving a compliment most people tend to play it off ... "No big deal" or "It wasn't anything". Where as if someone says that we fell short in an area we focus on the failure. I know that if I was told by my husband, "Great supper, but the potatoes could have been cooked longer." That the only thing that I would focus on was the fact that he thought I did a horrible job on the potatoes, not that the vegetables, meat and dessert were good.

This is why I hate it when people say "I'm sorry for what I did, but..." If you add a "but" in there the apology is worthless, so just don't bother!

Hehe, when I first saw the subject line, I thought you were referring to myLot comments and people leaving positive or negative feedback about them! :D I guess I'm too focused on myLot tonight. I agree with you tht the word "BUT" should most often NOT be used if you are trying to convey something positive to someone. What people hear and take to heart is always the last part of those statements. So instead of "I love you," they will remember "but you really annoy me sometimes." There are such better ways of talking to your friends and loved ones about both positive and negative things that you want or need them to know. As for examples of sentances I've used or have been used on me, I can't think of any good ones at the moment. I actually actively try NOT to phrase things this way. If I have some constructive criticism to give someone, I'll say the negative part first, but in a positive way ("could you take this last bit of stuff downstairs?") then follow up with the positive ("and thanks for taking down that first load, it's a big help."). It can be difficult at first to remember to speak this way, but it really does become a habit. ~Wyrdsister

Don't you just hate it when this happens? There is this lady who thinks she is perfect and tries to make everyone else feel beneath her. She does this all the time. It has reached the point that i just smile at her when I hear a comliment and think to myself "Oh no, here she goes again!"

i absolutely agree!! And i didnt notic how bad this was until latley..I dont mean to do it and never thought about it before..like the other day my son colred these pages..and he i thought he might have hurried because he was sooooo out of the line and i just want to help him do better..and i said..OHH HUN ITS BEAUTIFUL!! BUT....look you colored so fast your out of the lines really bad..omg!! the look on his little face!!! i crushed his little heart!! he was sooo excited..and it was like i slapped him in the face!!! Soo im never doing that again!I will just stop and help him anothet time and show him how mommy stays in the lines..and never ever be negative again..well i will try at least..but not to Sky or any kid..

That is so true. I hope that a lot of people read this, and realize when they speak, to think of how it comes out and sounds like. Or when you say the word, however, or, if, are other words that are negative used after a positive statement.

I completely agree! Why even say 'thanks' or 'I love you' if you are just going to end it with a 'but' or some other form of a negative. It's just not nice! :( And, I would wonder if they really meant it. I also think that even if you start with the negative and end with a positive...it's still going to be a negative. You might not even listen to what they are saying after they have said the negative first! I can't really say I haven't done it...expecially when I was little. You know how you would say, "I am sorry BUT it wasn't my just my fault." OR you would get interupted right after you said 'but' and it would be like this..."I am sorry BUT." And you would get in trouble for calling the person BUT! Kinda complicated! All I am saying is that either way you put it, it is still going to be a negative and hurt someones feelings! SO...be POSITIVE!!! :D

I only use that when I have to give nagetive back, I emphasize the positive before telling the person what is negative about him.

I don't think that a negative statement can cancel out a positive one BUT its true in many occasions.

I have been taught that in order to correct someone it's better to start with a positive thing first, than pass on to say the negative aspect that is bothering you. Thus you are making the receiver more receptive to what you are going to tell.

How about the reverse psychology but - "I'm no expert BUT.....I don't mean to rain on your parade BUT.....The only good part about these opening lines is that there is usually a slight pause after the BUT and it's just enough time to slip in there and say something like "good then I won't get a lecture from you" or "then don't".

lol...i guess a lot of people are guilty of that. But you are right though. A negative statement does cancel out the positive statement. We may say it without intention to hurt the other party or put him/her down, but the negative statement just happen to have this effect. In this casem we may have unwittingly offended somebody. Guess we have to be more tactful at times and rein in this habit. :)

IF,(if's) and (but's) were candy and nuts....OH what a joyfull world it would be.

Did I realize it? My S/O is the Queen of the "But" phrases! Hers are masked a little more cleverly though. "just for your information I would rather have ??? than ???. After 25 years, I already know what she wants BUT I love the taste of mushrooms and occasionally I want them in MY food - just for her information ~Donna

Ya. You are right. Even in mathematics, "-*+ = -" That is Negative by positive rendes the product negative. I guess we always need to be positive.

I totally agree and for you to think this out your are a very good thinker. Are you a teacher and have you thought about it. It seems like you did a little bit of math there. I didnt cross my mind until you mentioned it. Im sure i will be looking out for it.

I think that everyone does this. I have probably done it often in order to help soften the blow of whatever is going to come after the 'but' part of the statement. It is only human nature to want to say things more softly when we can, to try not to hurt other's feelings. But sometimes, as in some of the examples you posted above, it makes the statement come out seeming far more negative than positive, and that is unfortunate. It would depend on the nature of the statement that was used on me as to whether I would say that the postive aspect was cancelled out by the negative, though. I really don't thikn that the second example you gave was that bad. The first one would sting, for sure..

nothing like dat..but it discourages ur postive things