Divorce : How does it affect the children?

@Rumple (301)
South Africa
January 16, 2007 5:39pm CST
My friend just recently found out that their parents are getting a divorce. Im not really sure how to help but i have done my best as my parents are also divorced. The thing with divorce is that the parents split up and the kids are left wondering why. Sometimes the parents bring the children into the divorce which can result in a very bad emotional and mental outcome for the child. In some cases the parents split up on good terms and the children cope with the divorce well and are fine but this seldom happens from what i can gather. I was just wondering what you have to say on the matter and if you could help me help my friend through this tough time...
5 people like this
65 responses
• Australia
16 Jan 07
be their for your friend.they will need it.My parents divorced when i was 9. When i was 13 i had to have this long interview with family services where i was told, do you want to libve with your mum, or your dad/? Its not the sort of question at my age i should have had to answer. Be their for your friend, im sure shell make it with loyalty & a good mate like you!
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
16 Jan 07
My parents got divorced when i was 13 and i also had to make that decision. It wasnt a fun ride at all and there is still bitterness between my parents now even, 8 years later!! so i kinda know what my friend is going through but the difficult thing is knowing what to say and how to help because we live in different cities. I am there for her though and she knows that. Thanks for the response :)
@isasice (2015)
• Iceland
17 Jan 07
I would never let any child of any age make that decision. I am about to tell my 10 year old that I am divorcing his father but we would never let him chose between us. He will be living with both of us, he will have a lot of freedom to chose where he wants to stay but will still have a home with both parents. We will live in the same neighbourhood until our son is old enough to live on his own. We are not divorcing him and we will do anything possible to make it as easy for him as possible. (Yes, I know there is no such thing as an easy divorce but you know what I mean). It is a known fact that when children get caught in the middle of a divorce, they tend to take sides with the parent they feel more sorry for, i.e. if one partner is treating the other bad, has cheated, the child will take sides with the other one, no matter how the relationship was between them before. I wish your friends all the best and hope that they will be able to know both parents equally in the future.
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
17 Jan 07
thanks for the comment... was just thinking. the fact that your child will be changing homes on a regular basis, is that not a bad thing? I do not know as that did not happen to me. And you are very right about the choosing sides, i chose my father because i felt sorry for him...
@shatman (727)
24 Jan 07
my parents got divorced when i was about 4, yeah back then i was hard to take and i was sad about it, but now it doesnt affect me. im 16 now so i dont really think about it, and to be honest i think i am closer to both my parents because of it, as i dont see them that much so dont argue or anything
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
24 Jan 07
Yeah you were very young when it happened and i think you are pretty lucky. Its a lot harder when you are around the age that you are now... But im happy that you are close to your parents. Seems like things worked out nicely for you... :)
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
24 Jan 07
Oh and i forgot to say... ARSENAL BEAT MAN U!!!!!! :P
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I remember when my parents divorced when I was young; I used to blame myself but then my mom would say bad things about my dad and his mistress. So then I hated my dad for many, many years until I found out that my mom was rather sick in the head. I'm sorry that I missed all those years with my dad but we're very close now. Children should never blame themselves and the parents should sit down with them and explain what's happening. That they both love them and will be there for them.
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
17 Jan 07
Yeah that is exactly what my mother did, although i decided not to listen because it wasnt my problem. It was hard but i had to because i didnt want to have to take a side and kids shouldn't have to do that. I just hope my friend isnt experiencing this. Thanks for the comment
• Germany
17 Jan 07
I think its what happens with many divorce cases. Mother or father tend to pose a threat to child mind by telling unwanted things to the child at that age where he is not in the position to know what right or wrong.
1 person likes this
@cheenlly (3483)
• Philippines
17 Jan 07
Just try to be there with him. Share your experience and how you cope with it. I know nowadays divorce have really gone far way to many countries. Its really saddening is when children are already involved especially emotionally because no children want thier parents separated and their family broken. More often than not, children become the pitiable victims of a split-up. In some other countries children end up in drop centers, in the hands of disaffectionate relatives and a lot more are left to the streets fending for themselves-living on the benevolence of others and exposed to the dangers posed by abusive as well as oppressive elements.
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
17 Jan 07
I never really thought it could get as bad as you say but thinking about it nowi realise that things could be o much worse than they are and im just really glad that they arent. Thanks for the response, its always nice to get an opinion from someone else.
• Germany
17 Jan 07
i really have no idea of such things where children are to be stayed with other relatives rather than one of the parent whether its mother or father. That would be the worse thing ever to be imagined out of the divorce
1 person likes this
• Romania
17 Jan 07
my parents had divorced when i was eight years old... and i sufered a lot because because they where fighting for my custody. :(
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
24 Jan 07
hey there... sorry to hear about that, maybe you could help. I noticed you are the same age as me, well born in the same year anyway. My friend is a girl. And she stays in another city, we used to be together as well. What do you think would be the best thing i could do for her?
17 Jan 07
My parent's definetly screwed me up when they 'seperated' -- there was emotional blackmail, choices to make, and endless guilt-trips! It was complete emotional and mental hell for me, and I hated it -- I don't think parents really concider what they're doing sometimes when they use their child to hurt their ex... If it helps, I think that the best thing your friend can do is distance himself from the whole messy scene, maybe take a holiday or something?
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
20 Jan 07
Yeah that happened to me too. Unfortunately it wasnt the best thing and i can still see the effects today even. Not the best thing but it happened and we just have to deal with it :) The holiday is hard because my friend is in her final year at school. Thanks for the comment
@shaila (9)
• India
17 Jan 07
Yeah....you got it right,it does have a very bad effect on the children....moreover children also cannot get alongwith their own relationships later
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
20 Jan 07
Yes you are correct with the statement about the childrens own relationships. Well noted :)
@grayxenon (1315)
• Philippines
17 Jan 07
divorce is really a painful thing that anyone could go through...most of the time it creates an emotional turmoil not only to the parties involved but especially to those children..when all things are said..i gues you just have to let time heal all the wounds that this process had created..
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
17 Jan 07
This is true... they do say time heals all. thanks for the comment
@cuddleme01 (2727)
• Philippines
17 Jan 07
Be a friend. Listen to your friends pains, what he feels. Comfort him and share your experience with parents having divorce. show to him how you managed the same situation he is facing right when your parents divorced. the fact that you're into the same situation like him, will make it easy for you to help him and he will surely see you as an example for having managed to deal with the separation of your parents. you can also divert his attentions by bringing him to social gatherings or you both engage into sports or any good thing that interests the both of you. sometimes, the best way to get rid of a problem is to stay away from it.
1 person likes this
@Rumple (301)
• South Africa
17 Jan 07
Thanks for the comment. Im not sure about the whole avoiding the issue approach tho, sometimes that doesnt help at all
@adnan82 (673)
• Pakistan
21 Jan 07
it will only n only affect the children .. cauz husband n wife wants the divorce they will seperate n live happily . and. then . who will suffer children . that child will miss the . time of a father or a mother...he needs both...something he will share with a father which he cant share with his mother..n vice versa. :)
1 person likes this
@moneymaka (493)
• United States
20 Jan 07
My parents are also divorced and i dont get to see both of my sisters.
1 person likes this
@Blue1982 (13)
• South Africa
18 Jan 07
It seems asif you're a great friend. And even though you might not know what to do, just "being there" is a very good thing in my book. You dont have to climb Mount Everest you know. On the other side theres only so much you can offer as a friend so it might be a good idea to encourage him/her to a counseler that is better equipt in helping him/her work through their ordeal. If needs be. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@istanto (8565)
• Indonesia
17 Jan 07
Sorry, I have no idea how to help you or your friend. you are in hard situation, just try your best. divorce can affect the children mentally they might got stressed.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 07
It will have an effect no matter what. The parents should put aside their problems when it comes to the children and make the change as comforting as possible. Children should be afraid of change because they do not feel safe.
@few00cent (2185)
• India
17 Jan 07
Divorce has many effects on the children in a marriage which differ along several variables.the age of the child is a significant determinant of what particular effects he or she will experience.the effect on children aged up to age 5-6... group are the most confused and disoriented by separation.they often fear the abandonment of the other parent which coupled with poor understanding of the separation leads to high anxiety.
@giaggio (165)
• Italy
17 Jan 07
my family is still together but i have a lot of friends that have divorced parents... i dont really know how to help him but surely he would parreciate ur company and sustain...
1 person likes this
• Nigeria
17 Jan 07
it really does affect kids that are used to a happy and nice family having to see one of their parents leave for some reason that they might not understand it affects them phsycologically and emotionally.
1 person likes this
@Serjas (2328)
• India
17 Jan 07
Many who endure the unhappiness of a failing marriage see divorce as their only means of escape. Yet while obtaining a divorce is relatively easy, it ends up being more difficult than imagined. On the personal level, divorce shatters self-confidence, and promotes guilt, anger and insecurity. Socially, it complicates all interpersonal relationships - especially when children are involved. Divorce is never an easy solution to a troubled marriage. And if divorce is difficult for marriage partners, it is far worse for their children how to help children: If possible, have both parents present when telling children about the divorce. Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault. Tell your children that you love them. Reinforce it is okay to love both Mom and Dad. Give children details regarding how life will change. Tell children both parents will continue to be a part of their lives. Minimize changes in your children's lives as much as possible. Inform school and teachers about changes in the family. Continue to show your children you love them through both words and actions. Listen to your children. Role model appropriate ways to deal with feelings. Re-establish a sense of security by providing structure, Support your child's relationship with their other parent. Work on re-establishing a sense of family.
@nrmrreddi (356)
• Germany
17 Jan 07
Facing the divorce of the parents in early age will definitely have a bad infact on children in understanding whats happening. And a decision to stay with whom is something funny at that age. Bringing a child into such situation is the worst part of the divorce.But at present your friend is in the position to judge the situation and cope with it, But i feel he needs a support frm friends
1 person likes this
• India
17 Jan 07
it realy affect the childrens if they are not mentaly prepared to it.some of friends have to help them.
1 person likes this