Do your children have a MySpace?

Wow, I kinda feel like I am being lectured. Yes, it is a bit dishonest in a way. I did have the computer in the family room til my children entered high school. Now, they have to be on it for about 3 hours a night. They take tests online, study guides, research papers, etc. So they each have one in thier rooms. That makes it a little hard to monitor. I hope that my kids never get in trouble with thier online activities, however, I would be a fool to believe that 1)it could never happen to my kids and 2) my kids will never use the computer without my permission, go on a site without my permission, or accept a friend without my permission. I was a teen once too, and know exactly how I felt about over-controlling parents. We all want are kids to make the best choices, sometimes, however, they are just silly kids

I absolutely agree about the computer being kept in a common room of the house where anyone can see what's on the screen at any time. I would never approve of a computer in a bedroom. I also agree with you about the respect issue.

I agree 100% with Ciniful. It is wrong to sneak around and create fake profiles just to spy. Why not put your normal account on your kids friends list? That way they are aware that you have access, they know mom can see what's going on. That will prevent anything from going bad, because they'll be watching what they're doing. If it's unacceptable, they understand you'll see it and they'll have to deal with the consequences of their actions. I created a myspace page for my daughter who will be 3, next month. Now I know some may think I'm crazy -- but I have good reasoning. Over 25 of my family members are on myspace... all over the world. I have her page set on private -- only have family members on her friends list, and I post pictures from different events/holidays, so the family can see how she's grown. I also use the page for her birthday wishes/requests. Basically, family can log on to her page and see her life in pictures for the past year, and days to come.\ Myspace is a great place for families and friends to keep in contact. Just use it wisely, and protect our children from harmful beings.

And we have absolutely no right to know what is going on in their mind unless they choose to tell us. I feel it is one thing keeping an eye on their behaviour but quite another monitoring their thoughts which I'm afraid is what reading conversations that they would only want to have with friends is doing. We're parents, not the Thought Police! I remember when I was 16 my best friends mum read her diary out of concern and I was absolutely appalled. If my mum had done that to me there is no way I would have been 'mature enough' to see that it was doe out of concern, I would have felt that trust had been broken quite severely. This is very close to reading their diary in my eyes. Teenagers need and are entitled to a degree of privacy. My 14 year old son has a computer in his room and mostly he only speaks to school friends on instant messenger. If he were to talk to anyone else I know that he would never ever be so stupid as to give out any detals or meet up with anyone from the internet as I have drummed it into him what the dangers are. I really advise you to take your profile off. The suggestion above about adding yourself openly as their mum seems a good one if you feel you need to monitor them (although I did that on my sons MSN but he blocked me as I kept sending him messages from the next room telling him to go to bed or tidy his room etc.!). Obviously you know your children best and how they would react but I do think that most people, whether adult or teenager, and whatever your reason for doing so would see this as highly invasive. Bear in mind also that, from their point of view, it is not just that you will have betrayed their trust in you, they will also feel that you don't trust them. You have allowed them to have myspace accounts and given them the impression that you trust them to use them unsupervised. If they then find that this was never true, they are going to feel like you have less respect for them and their maturity than you have lead them to believe. Plus, and this is unlikely admittedly, but if you have warned your children about watching out for adults posing as other kids and then you as their 'friend' say something which tips them off that you are an adult, you are going to look pretty silly if your own children report you!!!

Your right, about the part of what is on thier minds. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I want to be thier friend, I am also thier mother, so there are many thing they do not tell me. (like who was drinking at Friday's party, or who is dating whom, or how they feel emotionally about issues). I know that they would be upset to learn that I have put these measures in place. But I also think that they would be mature enough (or at least I hope so) to understand that I did it because I am concerned for their safetly and well being.

I think it is great that you do not feel you have to check the myspace issue with your kids, and you should feel good about the open communication you have with them about it. It is something that I strive for. I wish that I did not have to worry about it, but to me, the dangers are very real. I wish that more people had your view of being parents and not equals. Too many parents do want to be friends with thier kids, and are afraid of overstepping friendship boundries. But, they are not my friends, they are my children, so I guess that gives me the right to step wherever I feel in order to keep them safe, and happy.

Surely the best kind of parenting is getting your child to understand why a rule is there so that they follow it for their own benefit? It may have sounded naive in my other post when i said that I absolutely know that my so would not do anything to endanger himself on the internet but the reason I am completely sure is because I know that the rules I struggle to get my son to adhere to are the ones that don't have good reasons behind them - if he understands the benefit to him then he has no problem in sticking to what I have asked of him. Think about when you were younger. The equivalent was 'Don't talk to strangers' 'Don't accept sweets from strangers' etc. Our parents couldn't monitor this beyond a certain age but those of us who had this properly explained to us and really understood the dangers were very careful round strangers weren't we? The problem with authoritarian parenting is that the child learns that they must not do X because they'll get into trouble rather than learning that they must not do X because it will cause Y. Teenagers generally see themselves as quite adult and if we speak to them and treat them with the same respect that we would give to another adult, they will do their best to behave in an adult fashion. I don't mean to criticise as God knows the whole parenting experience is fraught with worry and guilt that you might not have done it 'right' so you don't need more from me! This is just my point of view as a fairly liberal (but still caring parent) and I offer it only as a counterpoint, not a condemnation.

Thanks, I was beginning to think I was really off track with this one. I agree with you, I can not stand it when parents say "well, I did not know that billy knew how to make bombs" or "I did not know that my daughter was sexually active" I guess I would rather know what trouble is coming down the road before it pulls into my driveway and assaults me. I can think that I know my kids, and know what they are doing, but as Gibran said "never, not even in your wildest dreams" will I ever know what it is like to be a teen in this day and age.

Well, I wish there were more people out there like that. If every parent told thier child right from wrong, and every child choose the "right" the world would be a much better place.

Ok, here's the issue though. "daughter-what is your myspace userID and password" and the sweet daughter tells me. And I go to it and it is wonderful, and exactly how it should be. However...these kids are smarter than we are. Not just me, but you and most parents. WHY? because they have all the time in the world to learn, because they have grown up on the computer. So, sweet daughter creates a 2nd site, the "real" one, the one she shares with friends and cyber-friends and everyone else except me. So, they know I check up on them,they just don't know how. And I SSSOOOOOO agree with you about the my house, my computer, my bill thing. I use that phrase frequently.

I hope you mean no need for a MySpace account and not no need for a computer. If your son is 5 and has no computer, I know it may sound crazy to you, but he will at some point soon find himself to be seriously lagging behind other kids computer skills. And it won't be long (a couple years) before teachers will assign homework that they expect will be able to be done on a computer. Seriously. So, you might as well be sure he has one and you can supervise him on it, so his keyboarding skills, etc., are where they should be when the time comes.

my kids school in yorkshire,england teaches computer skills right from starting nursery at the age of three.i think its fantastic.

You get it, you've been there. I know that her parents were glad you were, even if your niece wasn't too happy about it. Good for you.

Well with a myspace, it doesn't really matter about the rest of the world if your child is smart about it. On myspace, a profile can be set up so that only approved friends can view a profile. I think that solves the trust issue with myspace.

Absolutely wonderfully stated!!!!

I much prefer your way of handling wanting to keep your child safe... it is honest and up front and will not come back to bite you in the backside the way I think the original poster might find her methods will.

You are one cool mom! I think you've got it straight.

Thank you! I think part of that all comes from when I was a single parent for 7 years, that the boys and I had to be able to totally trust one another and be open and upfront, or our lives were going to be even that much more difficult. Even now after being remarried for more than 5yrs, the boys and I STILL have an extremely open relationship. I'm very glad that they feel comfortable enough with me to be able to share things and let me be part of their lives......His friends seem to think it's cool that I'm one of his friends, and I occasionally get messages of "Hi Josh's mom!".

Very well put, especially for a teenager. Most of whom believe that they are indestructable, and imortal. And no, I would never try to get information from them. I do not post comments to hem, I do not IM them, I do nothing but go onto thier sites and look, and take note. Thank you.

Ok, but weren't you invading your Dad's privacy by reading a message that you thought was to him? Also, I am not looking to be "good" with my kids. Being their friend is not my job. Making sure they are safe is my job. I hope someday you can make things better with your father, and know he was just looking out for you.

I know, I think my kids would be pissed as well. But part of the scheme, is that they do not know it is me. They added me as a friend, and do not even know who I am. That alone strikes me as they do not follow the rules I have on myspace. So, if they violated the first rule, "make sure you know who your friends are" doesn't it make sense that they would violate others as well?

So what are you going to do about them not following the rules? Are you going to expose them about that (which would expose your fake profile)? I think if they're not following one rule, you might want to wonder about what else they're doing behind your back...