I hate my life

@CatEyes (2448)
United States
January 23, 2007 10:21pm CST
I know that I am in control of it, but I feel as if I am not. I am in a relationship with a spouse who is very controling (I don't get any money, Can't go to the grocery store, can't do laundry because it needs money, he sold my car and said it was because of the Bankruptsy (he kept his Jag though), etc. Tells me what to wear) Yea I know he is abusive. My mother is too. I am disabled and waiting for my SSDI to kick in before I do anything, becuase I can't work. So with out money, I can't get a divorce or live on my own. I have no friends that understand (all my friends dumped me becuase of him or vice versa) his friends think he's perfect except for a select few. I can't go into a shelter- his family has boocoo money and would take the child away and say I was a unfit mother. All of this was told to me by his lawer and mine and him and his family. OK now that I got that off my chest I feel like I need to cry and this is not a joke at all. I feel soo sad and like a failure to my son because I put up with it. I fight all of the time with him, because I refuse to back down when he says something mean like, man what did you eat today you look even fatter, or don't wear those pants, there trashy. If you realy were in posistion, what would you do, could you do. I am at my wits end. I will not commit suicide, so that is not something to fear. I went to counslers and when he went in first they said it was me, then when I went in with him and he started to talk they said it was him. They said that he was abusive and that he will never change. Sorry for the long post, but I realy need help.
20 people like this
103 responses
@rachelcaron (1680)
• United States
24 Jan 07
hi, Since I am not a licensed counselor I can't really give you advice. All I can say is that I'm sorry you are in that position. Just know that you are wonderful person and this is not your fault and you shouldn't take the insults personally. People who insult others are not confident with themselves. I know there are lots of charities and free services to go and get help. Even though you are disabled I'm sure there is work you can do. Have you tried Goodwill or Salvation Army. They may be able to help. Good luck. If you ever just need to talk, I'm here. Send me a message. It helps just having someone to talk to.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Thank you
• United States
2 Feb 07
Let us know what happens and what you decide to do.
@lilaclady (28226)
• Australia
24 Jan 07
Oh dear, I hope something can be worked out, everyone deserves to be happy, life is so short and as we know we only have one shot at it, why are people so cruel.....thinking of you....
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Thank you....Could you PLEASE pray for me, for me to make the right dec and when. I keep going in this cycle of nowhere and I know what is right, but I get soo scared knowing I will be with out so much.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 07
It sounds like you need to leave. This is not a good envirnment for you or your son. At the very least he is mentally abusing you, calling you fat etc.. and NO ONE deserves that. You can do to a shelter and take your son with you. They are very secretive and he wouldnt be able to find you there. They will help you in so many ways. For not only you, but your son too, you really need to get out of this situation. Yes, it will not get any better. He feels he has control over you and that wont change. Please do look into your local shelters, they really will protect you. I wish you the best :)
3 people like this
@patgalca (16782)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Jan 07
That is correct. Shelters do just that. They SHELTER you from harm. You take your child there with you. Preferrably one that is not too close to home. I say that because I live in a small town with one shelter.
3 people like this
@patgalca (16782)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Jan 07
I am sure you are aware that no one can help you but you. You are in a desperate situation and I really feel for you. Do you not have anyone who will take you in besides a shelter? If it were me, I think I would go live with someone in a different province or state... somewhere far away. I know you don't have the money or the means to do that though but if you had someone who could help you.... You say you have a lawyer. Can the lawyer not find a way out for you? Can your husband not be charged with abuse? Sic the cops on him. I was in an abusive relationship in my first marriage. I hung in there even when I shouldn't have... and there were no kids involved, and I had my own job, my own money, my own car. I just believed that marriage was for life and things would work out eventually. The last time he beat me up, HE was the one who hightailed it out of town never to be seen again. Thank God! I probably would have stayed in that marriage forever. I have read some of your other posts and you do not sound like you are in a good situation and I really wish you would find some help to get out. I don't believe they can take your son away from you when your husband is being abusive. You are protecting your son by taking the both of you away from him. Please seek help. Is there a help hotline you could call that would do more than just talk to you? Good luck. I'm praying for you.
2 people like this
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Does any one have number or places I can go to. I have looked them up on the net, but I am not sure what is best.
2 people like this
• India
24 Jan 07
I suggest you put this question in Ammas.com. It is a free site andyou can ask free. I am sure someone will help you there.
1 person likes this
@pirtlems (245)
• United States
24 Jan 07
get rid of him as fast as you can, there are plenty abuse sights on the internet
2 people like this
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I have been looking at them, and they are not encouraging at all. The shelter would be very short stays.
@nishanity (1650)
• India
24 Jan 07
if i was in your position... the first thing i would have done is slapped my spouse.... and got the hell out pf that place before he feels like doing the same to me! lady, nothing is worth all this trouble... not even your son! if he loves you, he will understand! i suggest you to confide in someone who is close to you... your hubby doesnt seem to stop you from using the net right? then i suggest you get online and try to trace out your pals who had left you... try to tell them... they would understand... try to get someone who can act as a witness to your daily hell!! someone who can vouch for you when u file a case.... and try to work hard on mylot and get some money... ok that was a joke! but try to get some money somehow or the other... dont worry... there is a solution to every problem!
2 people like this
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I know I should leave, logicly. But should I wait for my ssdi to take effect? If I waited I would have back pay and 1k per month, then I would have about 500-600 from my husband for child support. When I looked on line just now, it said that you have to be interviewed, and may be put on a list. You have to pay for things (of course) and it would be very temp. I don't know if I should do that to my son, up and leave with out having a good plan, or least a place to stay perm or semi perm. like 6 months. When I spoke to my dr about this (he is aware and does not let my husand come to my dr visits) he said even with my physical problems, I could do something like sitting for a child and that would bring in a little money. He also said that my impairments are not so that my husband could use them against me, although he would try. Like say I was a unfit mother;I have too many people that would back me up including my drs. It is just that his family (parents) make well over the 6 figure range, have a house paid off in full (it is huge) and spend money like it is going out of style. My husband says he know they have a least a half mil invested that he know of and the other he does not know. What I am getting at here is, when I met them, they acted very "normal" and very middle class but a few years ago things changed and it was made clear to me they had money and they would help my husband in anything. That was when I was going through the divorce papers and he refused to sign. He told me he would have back up from every one and fabricate? What, how can you even do that and not be caught? I know it was a bluff, but with the money they have I don't know. We just filed for bankruptsy so I know they did not help us with that, though he did give his father my dresser as payment for the cost of it (500) I just don't get this at all. I feel very stupid posting something like this, but you all don't know me personaly and it give me courage to do so.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 07
What the Hell is wrong with you women, you make yourselves victims. Get away from the guy, it is not that hard to do, you make it hard by being and acting weak. Quit being so damn weak, take responsibility for your mistakes, and be a damn woman about it. Grow up, quit complaining about the problems that you have created, and get the courage to stand up for yourself. You are being so weak. You make us women all look bad by acting the way you do.
1 person likes this
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Why won't you go look up on the net and see what I have to deal with lady. I am not weak, and trapped.... I have no where to go....I am looking for GOOD advice and yours is not one. man i just don't get people like you, you sound just like him, you know? Quite complaining, you do it to your self, you made me do it, you lived with your mother like this, you should be used to it now. and from the friends of his, just like you...I try to reach out to them and they won't help, won't listen and just take his side. He hides it well AS THEY USUALY do, so I am made out to be crazy. go fling yourself in a whole.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 07
You are so full of bulls***, admit that you are weak, just admit it. You can get away, but you choose not to, you choose to be a victim. You can get away, but you want to act weak. My God woman, you make me sick.
• United States
24 Jan 07
You do complain by the way, you are such a hypocrite, you are doing it as we speak. You want to be strong, quit complaining and leave him. Just LEAVE!!!
@cashnono (1135)
• Hong Kong
24 Jan 07
Come on, it's not the end of the world! The sun rises tomorrow! I think it is your problem, it is your spouse's problem.
1 person likes this
@nw1911guy (1131)
• United States
24 Jan 07
So she should stay until he finally beats her up or kills her huh? Nice advice.
1 person likes this
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
hUH? what are you trying to say here?
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 07
What exactly was that supposed to mean?
@cripfemme (7710)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Their are disability advocacy centers called independent living centers. I'm an advocate for disabled people. I can you if you email me maybe. There are some shelters that are accessible to disabled people. Please email.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Thank you.
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
25 Jan 07
Your counsellors weren't much help were they? "He's abusive, he'll never change". Is that it? No solution? So, they'll leave you like that? If you have a local women's group then go there and ask them for help quickly. I'm sorry if this advice doesn't sound very good. It's the only thing I can think of and I know the women's groups here in Ireland are very good and supportive so I'm sure there are groups like that where you are.
1 person likes this
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Yea, she did. It was funny because when we got home that night it was one of our worse fights ever and had a sebatical that lasted 6 months. I got a apartment of my own and delivered pizzas at night so I could be with my child who was 1. I wish to God I could do that again..but every time I get a job they get pissed becuase I get sick. I go into work, but because I am not my chipper self or have to go to the bathroom all of the time, they just give up on me. I am a ver y hard worker and put 150 percent of my self into everything, and they know this. They still would prefer a poor employee that was constant than someone like me. I even tried again working in a office; I became a manager and was making around the 60k mark with both jobs. I know that that is a lot, hence the reason why my husband became like this with money; he wants me to go back to work so he can have that money again. I would if I could. I just can not put my self or my son through that type of torture. I was always sick becuase of me overdoing it, I tried a less paying job and it was worse. Even though I have jerk of a husband, I am healing physicaly from my disease. It is a very hard situation when you know just a few years ago you were able to make more than enough and now you can't. Realy pisses me off infact, the more I think about it.
• United States
24 Jan 07
I think that you need to sit down and take a long look at your situation. I can't tell you what to do because I was in a super bad relationship on more than one occasion and I wouldn't listen to anyone. I just realize that there is a child involved in your relationship - which there was not in mine- and you need to think about the effects that this is ultimately going to have on him (the child). I will not tell you what to do because you sound like you already know. I suggest that you plan it out very carefully though and document everything so that you have proof in court later. Any witnesses to this abuse could be helpful in court also, so document their names and times that they were there too. But do document if you are afraid of losing your child! Best of luck!
1 person likes this
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Thank you. This is the type of advice I need. I will start to document things, transgressions that happen. Would it be considered illegal if I tape him? I have thought about this many times in the past and the only reason I have not is because I am afraid it is. I tried looking it up, but I could not find anything on it.
@rawpoet (2047)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I lived this way for 8 years while married. I'm also disabled with children. There is ALWAYS a safe place for you to go. Don't let them threaten you with taking away your child. It's time to stand up for yourself. You're now at the beginning. You see the problem, and that's a good thing. If you don't have a local shelter, call outside of your town. If that doesn't work, go to any church and if you're turned down for money or help, go to the next one, and the next one. Eventually, you'll get out of there like I did. Best of luck, sweetie!
@pearl1003 (669)
• Philippines
24 Jan 07
If I were in your place, i would leave right away if i hav the chance... I can't stay in a situation like that even if my patience is really strong... I wish that one day you'll be able to decide with what to do with your life. Is he hurting you physically? I hope not. I want you to spend your life in the best and happiest way ever. Just be strong and trust God that He will help you through this. Why is it that he's not giving you money/ why is he getting your money? Doesn't he likes you to earn money for your son somehow? For his education and other needs? I'm wondering what's wrong with your spouse. If love is not the issue here, let go. He should let you go too. Only hold on if the love between you and him is still strong. If the love is just like how you two first fall in love with each other, the love that is so pure and true, try to work things out. Talk to him about your feelings. Your son may not speak anything about the case, but deep inside, your son is deeply affected. Let's hope that he won't suffer from this. I wish you luck and happiness.. Take care of yourself.
1 person likes this
@MAX1966 (1029)
• Netherlands
24 Jan 07
poor you! it is a very sad story. i wish i could tell you what to do. i would have said go into a shelter,but you already said that it cannot be done. a husband that is abusive ,i know mine only would get out with help from the police. and such people would never change,never! try very hard to get your own money,and then divorce him i know you could do it! do it for yourself and your child. please
1 person likes this
@vanities (11409)
• Davao, Philippines
24 Jan 07
im so sad with what you have told us here in my lot...you really got a big problem...you have to ask some help to anybody...how about your friends???you said they dumped you coz of the husband...maybe coz you let your husband abuse you and they hate it ..that they leave you instead...why not contact them again and ask for help...or anybody in the government...
• Philippines
24 Jan 07
sometimes i hate my life too, but i always see the positive in every negative that happened in my life.
• United States
24 Jan 07
Could you perhaps suggest what the positive is in being abused????
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
OK, so when he grabs my hair and yanks really hard again, i should just ...laugh right? What I DO is knee him in the groin and lock myself in the bathroom He has tried to break down the door, AND has unhinged it once. Guess I should be happy I am alive .hmm Thanks, i know that you are just meeting your posting quota, but, please not on this one.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Jan 07
obviously you have never been abused adiknapuso, otherwise you wouldn't make such a close minded and insensitive comment. As for you cateyes, sweetheart you need to get away from him ASAP. I know it's easier said than done, especially because of your child and you disability. But nobody deserves to be treated the way you are. It is wrong, flat out. I am a law student and I'm pretty confident when I tell you that your spouse and his rich family can't make up bull**it that will get your kid taken away from you. Your doctor can be a support for you, both in office and in court if it ever came down to that. I'll tell you something, my ex beat me up all the time, and my son was apprehended by children's services because of it and I never got him back. The neighbours called because they heard crashing and smacking and crying all the time. They thought it was the baby being abused, but in all actuality it was me. If I had come forward with what was happening, there's a good chance I would still have custody of my son. Abuse is abuse no matter how you look at it, and you need to leave him if not for your sake but your child's. I know the idea of a shelter can be scary, trust me I know, I've been there. But I went there in the middle of the night, and they were so comforting, so very honestly nice and caring, and the number one very most important thing was that they really are confidential and discreet. That is their job, what they love to do, is help women and children that need it, not letting the abuser find them or be anywhere near them. A lot of people would say that it would be degrading yourself and your child to go to a shelter, but honey I got to tell you it's the best thing you can do. Think about it this way: what is more degrading, taking yourself and child to a place that is warm, safe and nurturing, or continue to be a victim and have your child be a victim for having to witness the abuse. In the long run, it would be the best thing to do darling. Don't be afraid to call the police, that is what they are there for and they will help you if you ask for it. But if nobody knows, nobody can help. You did the right thing asking for help out here on mylot, but no one can really help you here unless you do something about it yourself. I'm not trying to be rude about it, I've been there before and I know what I'm talking about. Sorry about how long this post is, but this isn't your everyday chat about everyday stuff. I hope I've helped you in any way, please at least think about what I've had to say.
• United States
24 Jan 07
That is horrible. Sorry to hear that. You are not in control of anything here. He is. Do you have family or at least one good friend? Maybe you can stay with them. If you talk to your friends that left because of him, maybe they will help you. You definetly need to get out. He is teaching your child all of this too. He will do it when he grows up. I think you need to get evidence of all of this too to show in court for the divorce. Video camera is best. Sorry I don't have any other ideas. Good luck.
@dmajkc (196)
• United States
25 Jan 07
Emotional abuse is sometimes worse than physical abuse. See if you can confide in someone. Perhaps a Priest/Minister so you at least have somoene to talk to. Once you are financially able, I would get out of the situation as quickly as possible. There are different Women's Shelters all over the country and perhaps you can call one and see if they can help you.. Good luck
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Thank you for the reply. I will be seeking guidence from my priets (the church is withing walking distance).
@Shababy (140)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I hate your life. I had your life. Literally I had your life. I got married at 19 to a man who i met in college he was 29 at the time and about to turn 30. I had a low self esteem and afraid to be out on my own and I lived the exact life you are living. His father was an architect his mother a registered nurse. Together they made a very good living his dad was a very successful architect. My husband did everything yours is doing to you and more. When I met him I weighed about 125 he started in on my weight then. By the time I left I weighed 90 and to him I was still fat. I am 5'4. He will not change. He will get worse. My ex-husband is currently in prison and is not eligible for parole until March of 2009 because of what he did to me and my son. It took that it took me hitting rock bottom to get out. I ended up in a shelter for battered women with my 8-month-old son. This is all in your husbands plan. He has got to make you feel as powerless as he can. You don't have a car, he won't let you go anywhere, you can't have any money, he puts you down so you feel you have no self worth, he and his family make you beleive you can't live without him. It is crap. All of it is crap. I do not know what your disability is but it does not matter get out of there now. Yes you can go to the shelter. You need to get some personal belongings get your kids call the police call the domestic hotline in your area something and go. Forget your stuff you don't need it. You will be provided with clothing, food, shelter, hygine items, legal aid, emotional counseling you need it ( no that is not an insult 6 years ago I needed it badly just as much as you do) You need to go there think logically do not get emotional get all the help you can get. State of Texas gave me a 1k grant to help get me on my feet. you can get food stamps medical aid there are so many things available to you. I did not know this. I was in the same position as you. I would end up in the hospital the hospital staff would urge me to go to the shelter. I would think in my mind do I go to this place that won't change I have no car I have no money I have nothing. I did not realize the thing that are out there. Are you a good mother? My guess is yes or you wouldn't be concerned with getting your kids taken away. There are many many men like your husband too many of them. They all belong behind bars. Go to legal aid the shelter will help you get an appointment you will get an attorney. the legal system has met men like your husband before. Do not let this man intimidate you. I do not think your kids will be taken from you You are the mother he is a butthead. You are the typical abused woman. get out go to the shelter, get the divorce, get on your feet, there are other things out there to help people who do not have their disability money coming in yet. You are not destitute this man wants you to think you are. And then after you have gotten on your feet and you have realized you were such a fool for ever letting this man treat you this way and will never let anyone abuse you again go get a real man and a real relationship. You don't deserve this no one deserves this. I am remarried and my husband is a 180 of my ex. We met on yahoo personals. I have gained weight and he still says I am beautiful. He never would make a comment about me like my ex did. He use to be a navy seal but now has hyperthyroidism and weighs about 300 pounds I still think he is as handsome as ever. we do not control each other we love each other. When you have a good relationship you genuinely care for the other person their wellbeing their wants needs etc. We support each other. He is in the process of adopting the son I had with my ex. He is the only father he has ever known. You don't need this. You need a good man and a good relationship. Yes you do deserve one. My biggest thing was I didn't beleive I could get or deserved anyone good to me. I really felt like anyone who was with me was doing me a favor. I was wrong you are wrong. I don't mean any of this to be mean I mean to tell you you deserve better. You can get it. Stop letting this man intimidate you. I don't know how old you are. All I know is unless there is a major breakthrough in medical science you are not going to live forever. This is it this is your life. Is this how you want to spend it? Is this what you want your kids growing up seeing? Chances are it will rub off on them in some negative way. Get out get what you deserve. I know what you mean by all your friends left mine did to. I've been there. I've experienced everything you described my husband use to make me do things to get money to eat while I was the only one with a job after we married he refused to work. He would pick me up from work take me to the bank make me endorse it and unless I did what he wanted for money i never saw it again and that was only a couple dollars here and there for a coke or something at lunch. Get out please you don't deserve this. IF you want a friend you've got a friend. Add me to your friend list. My name is Sha (pronounced Shay).
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I don't think thank you says enough. I am right now having ters runing don my face. I realy needed tohear this, I feel so alone and if no one will lov me again. I amso afred I wil l make the same mistake. I will add you as my friend and I hope you will allow me to talktto you, you soudn liek a relay nice person.
@Shababy (140)
• United States
24 Jan 07
You can contact me anytime. I was a victim of domestic violence my son was physically harmed in the very end, one of my best friends was murdered by her husband he stabbed her multiple times and took out one of her eyes and tortured her before he finished her off, my mother-in-law was shot in the head by her 8th husband right before x-mas this year. You need to get out of there. bad things happen. Just go. Be smart about it but go. Think creatively. have a game plan. Either leave while he is gone and gather up some of your personal possessions you can't really take a-lot but take some and get out of there. Leave today if you can.
@aarroonn (160)
• Nepal
24 Jan 07
why you are not giving proper atteintion in youe life , u have to love ur life .
• United States
24 Jan 07
You know what you make no sense.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Nope, I can't understand this either. Need help not complications. Thanks anyway aarroonn
@Lydia1901 (16353)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Well, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope everything will work out for you pretty soon. I really am sorry. Just be good to yourself and try your best in that.
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I will and thank you for your concern. I am trying to concentrate on my health right now, so that I will have some "in reserve" if you know what I mean.