My husband doesnt want to hep much with the kids

United States
January 26, 2007 1:22pm CST
He is a realy good man but he doesnt like wtching the kids so I can do things alone for a change. I love going to the gym and he doesnt want to watch them for it or for me to go out for a ladies night every now and again. He loves his kids but he says that they are to young. How can I make him see that I am going crazy before I have to be institutionalised ? I try to tell him but he says that I am asking to much of him. Sometimes I want to get a job just to get out of the house but we cant afford child care. Any tips from all those homemakers out there ?
8 people like this
44 responses
@hariharbhat (1314)
• India
27 Jan 07
It is all there in every family. Try to understand the needs of the other and have free exchange of ideas and thoughts. It is always better not to exploit the weakness of the other.The children will be looking at you with keen interest. Always remember that life is to live and not build up enemity in the family.
2 people like this
• Sweden
27 Jan 07
They are his children too and he has just as much responsibility for them as you do. If he can't take care of them he should have thought about it before making you pregnant. He can't expect you to do all the job looking after them. You got to have some free time too. I'm afraid I can't help you much, but be sure to make him watch them every now and then when you need a rest. You deserve it.
1 person likes this
• Canada
27 Jan 07
you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel and come to a compromise. after the kids go to bed ( how old are your kids?) could you go to the gym then? depending on how old they are i think your husband needs to grow up. if he didnt want to help raise them he shouldnt have had them. it's sad that he says you ask too much of him, please! my friend has this same issue with her husband and her 4 month old baby. the father is never home and when he is home the baby cries everytime his father picks him up..its very sad. i say you just go out and leave him to PARENT his kids. you need time away before you lose your mind. and remember when you leave the house leave your cell phone at home so he cant call you every two seconds..
1 person likes this
@pedumfio (667)
• Canada
27 Jan 07
My husband and i also an't really afford child care but after beeing on mat leave i thought i had lost my mind with a sux year old and a newborn, so i had to go back to work no questions asked. Now we basiclly break even after paying babysitters, before and after school programs and than the bills. So needless to say we are soooo boke it's not even funny but i do still have my sanity. Helping wise he just sucks that's the best way to describe it. We both have full time jobs his is more physically demanding than mine, but i work in an orthopedic surgeons office and he is soo busy i can't breath. From the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed all i do is get the kids dressed, fed take them to where they need to be, work, get the kids, home, cook, feed, bath, p.j's than reading, homework, bed and get the pleasure of knowing i have to do it all over again the next day. Oh and my husband he'll be watching t.v or on the computer the whole time.
@326744 (10)
• India
27 Jan 07
hi, I wud say he's also supposed to take care of the kids. mit b he's not confident to luk after them alone. so u cud do 1thing like u both cud babysit ur children 2gether n then slowly let him get used to them. then u both cud decide on it.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jan 07
I went down that same road while I was married. (I am divorced now.) I had 2 children with my ex husband and he would very rarely let me go anywhere or do anything outside the family/ kids. He didn't like staying home either and being "bored" or "cooped up," but he expected me to do it always. I could hardly even go to the grocery store or Wal-Mart without taking one of our kids with us. It was completely unfair. I too went through a depression and was being constantly controlled, which is the situation you are in too. Our marriage failed. Marriage and parenting is meant to be an equal partnership-neither party deserves more or less then the next. You need to sit him down and tell him that it isn't fair and that he needs to respect you and what you enjoy doing too. You need to tell him that you don't even feel like a person anymore-you feel like a robot programmed to do the same thing day in and day out and you need some space to help you get out of that rut. As for the childcare-there are many programs out there-depending on the age of your child. Headstart is a wonderful program for pre-school aged children. Your local Human Resources Department may have a program called subsidized child care that either pays the full cost of your child care or pays the majority of it and all you have to pay is a copay once a month. Through HRC, you may choose a private provider, and this is good for any child from birth to age 12 I beleive. Maybe like 50 to 100 dollars a month. You should look into it! Keep us posted on your situation.
1 person likes this
@bryelee (452)
• United States
27 Jan 07
I don't like watching my kids all the time either but its not far to push ALL of the house work one to 1 person. My husband works full time and he still comes hoems and helps me out where needed. Tell him its tiem to grow up. Your not his mommy so stop acting like it. he eneds to help you out with the housework.
1 person likes this
• China
27 Jan 07
It is really hard to solve this problem. You and your husband must agree one solution that both of you are happy. Kids is the first to consider.
1 person likes this
@MrIkki (89)
• Canada
27 Jan 07
well hes your husband and theyre his kids, hes responsible for them just as much as u. if he doesnt wanna take care of them i dont think hes ready to be a parent.
1 person likes this
@mommyx7 (22)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I have the same problem with my hubby. I finally told him that if he didn't give me a chance to get away for a night, that this summer when his kids are supposed to stay with us all summer, he could forget it! All moms need a break, especially SAHM's, who are with their kids 24/7/365. My friend gave me some awesome advice..."you have to DEMAND time for yourself, don't expect him to just give it to you". I would just tell him, here you go, I'm leaving, have a nice day, I'll be back at ...Good luck, I hope you get some time for yourself soon!
• United States
26 Jan 07
LOL, that sounds a little hash but it just may work THNX
@mnrmkr (75)
• India
27 Jan 07
I am also having the same problem I dont get any time for myself so I started them sending to their respective hobby classes.So that they are busy with their work, and I will get sometime for myself.
@emarie (5451)
• United States
27 Jan 07
TELL HIM! and i mean, scream it at him. their his kids too. the first time my husband was alone with our son he was only a month old. he should be spending ALONE time with them at least once a week for a few hours, no matter how old they are. this will help them bond together. you are not asking much from him. here...refuse to give him anything. don't take care of him, don't do anything for him. maybe then he'll listen because if you don't get your alone time...his doesn't get his time with you...also, do you have any reletives that can look after them for an hour or so?? i know my sister used to take my son to her house almost every saturday before she had her baby to give me my alone time.
• United States
28 Jan 07
I have yelled and screemed it at him so many times, it does more damge than help.
• United States
27 Jan 07
I would take some of his money and pay for a baby sitter and do my own thing anyway. Sounds like a way to keep you in the house to me.
• United States
28 Jan 07
I did, last night....it felt sooooooo good !
@Kscott (634)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I dont know what type of relationship you have, but for me a stay at home mom/homemaker of 4 kids, I had to get verbally stern, and just voice my opinion. I feel like I'm going to go crazy daily if I dont get some me time. I dont ever get to go out of the house, except for the grocery store, and even that here for the last 2 months has been non-existent, it's easier for my hubby to stop on the way home from work. He doesn't see why I need a break...he gets home wants to be waited on and cared for....but usually doesn't consider how my day went because I'm not earning the almighty buck....so I guess my needs are non-existent...well ridiculous as far as he is concerned. I have had to just sit on my tush and let him know I'm doing nothing...it will cause an argument and occasional fight, but I got my point across...Thank goodness my 13 year old, sees the need for mom to have a break....today he came home and said mom, I'm gonna play with the kids so you can have time to yourself...God I love that kid!, but he does have other motives....he will get to play the XBOX uninterrupted for being so kind to his mama!! A win-win situation for me, and he sometimes will wait on my husband so I can have time to myself....dont get me wrong I like to wait and take care of my family, but it gets very routine and boring, and we as woman or just humans need "our time" to keep ourselves from being insane. If you dont have someone who can give you a break....demand one...thats what I do...I didn't make dinner, refused to change a diaper, and just took time for myself, I get sick of being under appreciated and even if I worked outside the home....I would still need time to myself, he take his time for hisself, why cant i?
• United States
28 Jan 07
I think you have voiced it so well, they think we have it easy, what would they do in our shoes ? I think they would loose it. I am glad you have your teenager to help you, I cant wait till one of mine is that old !
• United States
26 Jan 07
Hi, well to be perfectly honest I am having the same delima. I think that you should try to show your husband how it feels. If he goes out with the guys or on his own tell him its too much of him to ask you to watch the kids. It worked for me, My husband realized that I too needed "grown up" time and that it effected me so much just to sit around the house not doing anything else but watching kids. Maybe it can work for you as well.
• United States
28 Jan 07
Thats another good idea I will try that.
• United States
26 Jan 07
Being a stay at home Mom myself, I can see where you are coming from. Staying at home can be so much more stressful than a full time job! I cannot imagine a husband that does not help out. Maybe your husband feels insecure about the children. You had mentioned they are very young. Maybe he questions himself whether or not he is capable of watching them. Maybe he is scared of them getting hurt or sick while he is alone with them. Try and talk through it. Maybe reading a parenting book together would help him become more confident. Then on the other hand if he just does not want to help out, time to be ready to walk out the door when he comes home. No questions asked. Sometimes it takes actions rather than words to come across loud and clear. You definatley need a break!
• United States
26 Jan 07
Good response, thanks so much. I have thought many times about walking out the door when he comes home but not had the confidence to do so. He just doesnt want to watch them, they are realy good for him, much better than they are for me. He does a great job and I dont ask him to do anything else around the house, ie. cleaning, bathing, diapering etc. We once made an agreement that sat ws his day and sun was mine. Now sat is his day and there is always an excuse for me not to do anything on sun. Thats it, Tonight is the night, hope he doesnt have any plans !
@icequeen (2841)
• Canada
26 Jan 07
Well I think you should talk to him about that. It is a partnership..and if he can go out then you should be able to as well. They are his kids too. Just give him instructions and go...Or you could possibly leave them with someone else...parents, neighbors etc...but that seems extreme...
• United States
26 Jan 07
We have talked many times, he gets upset when I do and it always end with me in tears and him angry. My parents are not around and his mom is buisy with the other grandchildren she raises.
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
26 Jan 07
That's a hard one, and I can say I know how you feel, that you are going to go nuts! (: I honestly haven't really asked my hubby to watch the kiddos, though I think I need to soon, because I need some alone time. (: I don't know how to help, maybe there is another couple that he admires that you can talk to about it..or a pastor at your local church. He obviously doesn't realize how much you need some away time, and problalby isn't trying to be mean. Maybe he doesn't think he can handle the kids by himself? if that's the case, have your mom come help out too. Talk to him about it though, ask him why he thinks the kids are too young? Is it that he thinks you don't deserve/need the time, or he's just not ready to watch the kids on his own? and Also, make sure you are not contributing to any insecurities on his part. Most moms have this way of undermining the father, by telling him he's bathing/diapering/feeding our children incorrectly. YEs, maybe he doesn't come out of the bath smelling clean when daddy gives the bath, but oh well, he'll get a bath the next day, so don't worry about it. Good luck to you.
• United States
26 Jan 07
I am being treated for anxiety atacs and he still doesnt get it. My pastor has tried, he simply doesnt want to. My parents are not around and his mom practically raises a couple of his nieces so she is realy tired all of the time, I dont ask her unless I have to.
@Rahleah (187)
• United States
26 Jan 07
I just love how when women have responsibility for their children, it's just normal, there isn't even a word for it, really. But if men are asked to take sole responsibility over their own children for a period of time, then it's that they're watching them or babysitting them or whatever. How did this come to be? It's really irritating. He should help. But, having said that, it sounds like he won't. So you're going to have to be creative. Can you join a YMCA that provides free or really cheap child care? Can you shop at a nice chain grocery that provides child care (like Giant Eagle)? Can you get your kids involved in a library story hour, a museum crafts day, anything like this that buys you quiet, sane moments for yourself is a God-send. I don't know how young they are (since he says they are too young for him to "watch" them,) but I realize this can be a problem if there is an infant. But by the time they are toddlers, these ideas should work. If all else fails, you and your lady friends need to try to get together with a plan that, say, you all go out every Friday, but one of you takes turns staying at home with everyone's kids. That way, everyone gets a turn with child-care duties, but all the other weeks everyone gets to go out. As soon as your kids are old enough, make use of local, inexpensive or free things like Bible School, church or YMCA or Campfire camp (a whole week!), etc. Our kids attended about five different Bible schools each summer. At that age they aren't really teaching anything specific to any one religion, and as long as you are just believing in the basic Christian tenants, your kids are welcome at all of them (and they are free!), and they have great fun and they take about all ages and you get a couple hours to yourself every night for a week. Really read your newspaper, looking for these kinds of activities. Even if some of them are charging a fee, it is usually way, way less than paying a babysitter, and the quality of attention is great. I started my kids on this stuff so young that it never occurred to them to not want to go. In fact, they thought it was all a great treat. They thought their friends who didn't go to all of this stuff were really, really deprived and had awful, mean mommies. (tee hee)
• United States
26 Jan 07
LOL, My kids are pretty young, 1,2,4 but I should still get a couple hours a week to myself. My oldest is in preschool and he goes to a church youth group once a week but the other two arent old enough for that yet. As far as going out on fridy night I used to do that with my best friend but there has been some tension lately becuase of her son bullying mine. I dont realy have many friends and none of them have kids that are my kids ages (they also have hubby that watch them. I agree with the Dads not taking enough responsibility with there kids, when did it become babysiting for them ? My mother in law always laughs when I ask her to watch the kids when he wont, she feel the same that it is his responsibility and gives him a hard time.
@slavena (87)
• Canada
26 Jan 07
I have the same problem, my bushand doesn't want to help me with our child and he also doesn't want to help take care of the house. It's gotten so bad to the point where I often just want to end the marriage, because I know it's not right what he is doing and it's not fair. I've honestly just given up. I think you just need to stress to him how important this is to you and how much it is hurting you!
• United States
26 Jan 07
I dont think it has come to that point with us, I love my husband, we went from single he had no kids and I had one to having 3 kids in a year and a half. I had to take the responsinility and buck up so should he.
27 Jan 07
Parenting is a job that should be shared by both parents! Your husband should definitely be helping you out, and three kids can be quite a handful!!! It's not fair that he goes out n about and doesn't allow u2! Why can't you go out as a family, rather than him leaving you with the kids? that way you both can get your outing as well as spend time with the kids and share the responsibility. As for gpoing out at nights I think that the ages you have said your children are your children need you more. I am sure you can hold going out on friday nights awhile longer till your kids are abit older. I don't understand why mothers wish to go out on 'ladies' nights....I don't see the point :s no wonder your husband is probably really insecure and prefer you to stay at home. But generally going out with friends, having abit of social time or going to the gym should still be allowed and I think you need to sit your husband down and explain to him why the parenting responsibility should be shared.