Lost... How do I find my way?

Canada
January 27, 2007 6:30pm CST
So I have been in my current relationship for over 2 years now, and have been fortunate enough to make a beautiful baby girl, but in the last year or so things have chagned dramaticly, not only with him but myself. In the beginnning we we kind to each other, we did things together, and now the only time he pays atteintion to me is if he is hungry, honry, or I want to go out with friends. He doesn't many of my friends and he has no reasoning behind it. When he meets my friends he is nice to them but then it seems like he quickly starts looking ofr reasons to not like them, and if he doesn't like them he expects me to stop spendng time with them. One of my really good friends had aenough of this one day and she spoke her mind to him and now I can not even mention her name around him. I have not stopped spending time with her because I am the one who tells me who to see and who not to see. But lately things just seem to get worse, before the holidays i made a promise to myself that I would make some lifestyel chnages and i have I am going to the gym regularily, and his attitude has gotten worse, he is rude for no reason and when I ask what is wrong he says "you". I have been thinking about leaving for a while now and the more he acts like a petulant child the more I want to say go screw yourself. I jsut dont understand why he is acting like this...Seriously does he think that acting like a controling a.s.s is going to keep me around? I dont know what to do any more, I find myself wondering what is left to fight for? I feel lost and I am starting to think the only way to not be lost is to be on my own.
4 people like this
11 responses
@wrdsofwisdm (1070)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I think you are on the right track. He seems to be extremely insecure and immature. That's what brings on the controlling behavior. All that he does is tear you down and depress you. I had a boyfriend like that a long time ago. He tried to control everything including what I wore to go out. I got fed up and dumped him. It felt good to get my freedom back. If you do leave him, you'll probably still see him because you have a child together. Maybe he will learn to appreciate you and realize what he has been acting like after you're not with him and he sees you when visiting your baby. Who knows...he might step up and treat you right in time.
1 person likes this
• Canada
28 Jan 07
Thank you for the caring response... If i leave i will never look back. I will make sure that he see's our daughter whenever he wants but as far as hima nd i it will over for good. I am a strong woman and I have given into his childishness because "I love" him but I am startingt o see that I have only made this worse.
• United States
28 Jan 07
This is really hard with not knowing either one of you but from what you have explained I think that you missed all the signs. I would say that if there is any way possible for the two of you to sit down and openly talk about the way you are feeling and the way he is feeling then that is what you need to do. If after talking you don't feel like anything has been solved then maybe the two of you need to take a break away from each other. I had a boyfriend in the past that treated me this way and when we finally sat down and talked about it I was informed that he had changed his mind about the whole relationship and did not want it anylonger. I am not saying that this is what your man is feeling, what I am trying to say is that you will not know if you don't try to talk with him. Since you have a child together you don't just want to throw it away without trying first.
• Canada
28 Jan 07
We have had too many heart to hearts to even count anymore and nothing is ever solved, he see's nothing wrong with our relationship. He feels that I am the one that needs to change, I have given up so much already and I jsut dont think I can scrifice anymore for him. My daughter is first and foremost always! I will never just give her too him nor will I allow his behavior any longer. Now when he starts acting the way he has been I have started walking away, I refuse to speak to him until he can afford me some respect and listen to what I have to say, if he choosees not to hear me then I write him a letter. So it's not like i havent given him chances and time. I honestly didnt miss the signs, I wanting to give the benifit of the doubt over looked them, he was cheated on by his previous partner and it is almost like I am paying her pennance. But I do thank you and everyone who has given so much heart felt advice.
@banta78 (4334)
• India
28 Jan 07
I think you should have seen the warning signs or triggers oover the last year as why the relationship has suddenly turned sour. Either you overlooked the warning signs or took them lightly. I still feel it is not too late if you feel you both still really care and love each other especially since you two a have daughter together who needs love, support of both parents. I feel you need to try to talk to him about how fe you are with his childish behaviour and how you resist his being control freak. But if he continues to be indiffernt and doesn't get mesage. then try to get his friends or his family to talk some sense in him. but if everything fails then surely dump him as you would have exhausted all your options and deserve to find your self worth and freedom which you sense you have lost for now. Be strong and have faith in god and in yourself.Hopefully things will work out for you.
• Canada
28 Jan 07
Him and i have had many talks about this, and as far as getting friends and famly involved well that is a bad idea, i dont want them to feel burdened by this or feel like they have to choose a side.
@visconti (34)
• Italy
28 Jan 07
i think you are on right track
• United States
28 Jan 07
You are not lost go within yourself and put yourself first girl as he sees you happy he will respond to that. I sense you are a wonderful person and things will workout for the best when you come first my dear. Blessings to you.
@JMBoraz (49)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I'm going to give you 2 responses, listen carefully. First, when relationships are going bad, it's usually because you're losing common interests. The way to get this back is by doing things that you both enjoy. If he has a job and he comes home from work exhausted, you should take off his shoes and prepare a nice dinner and a movie you both would like that's soft (no action or horror but comedy or romance). Try saying 20 positive things to eachother for each negative thing you say. Try making sure that he knows that you love him (especially if you have a baby girl) and that you value his presence in your life. He needs to hear that he matters, because if he thinks that all you want to do is fight he's going to respond in turn. Secondly, if you think that telling him to go screw himself is going to be a good thing for what family you two are building (namely your daughter) than you should do it. Another words, you are not the only one in the relatinoship and you have to determine what's best for both of you. If that means getting rid of him, then you should do it. But.... If it means getting rid of your daughter, then you should give her to him and let him take care of her. You need to determine how to make it as a family, not as just yourself. If you think like that and if he understands that you just want to be treated correctly and lovingly (and of course you do the same) than things should get better. P.S. Your friends really shouldn't play a role in determining whether or not you stay with someone. In fact, they shouldn't matter at all. All that matters are your feelings and your daughter.
• Canada
28 Jan 07
Firstly thank you for your opinion, but never ever would I get rid of my daughter she is my whole world. as far as trying to be nice and make dinner for him. That is my everyday, I cook, clean, do dishes, do all the laundry, then fold it and put it away...his too. and then i make dinner. He does nothing nice for me any more, when things get really strained he tries to throw money at our problem.. like buying me a new pair of jeans will fix things. It is hard when your the only one in the relationship that is trying, because I feel like I have nothing left to give him or myself.
@anup12 (4180)
• India
17 Feb 07
I think you should try to again develop some common interests.The things that you enjoy doing with each other.You should be able to do things which gives you much pleasure and yes you should do some combined things.
@linda345 (2661)
• Canada
28 Jan 07
This is a very controlling relationship. The first signs of abuse. Actually it is abuse. He is trying to isolate you from family and friends. Soon he will stop you from going to the gym because he can not contol you there. I think you need to go and make a life for your daughter and yourself. Get some help regarding abusers. There are alot over. Don't feel lost, I was a single Mom for awhile and the kids help. And one day you will find someone who deserves someone like you.
@kiran_raj (112)
• India
28 Jan 07
wel...In the beginnin it would have all been a bed of roses but as time passes by,things would begin to change but before u take any decision, please ensure to keep ur baby gal in mind, cauz its only u who would regret if ur decision was wrong..."All the Best"...
• United States
28 Jan 07
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. He sounds very insecure and that he is trying very hard to control you because he fears losing you. The sad thing is, he is pushing you away all by himself. There really isn't anything you can in this situation that will change him. He has to change himself and want to change himself. I hate to be the one to tell you this but he will only probably learn from his mistake AFTER you two split and you're gone. He may or may not improve for his next relationship. You, on the other hand, can only control and improve things for you and your child. You have already laid all the cards across the table and looked at them. You know how they read and you know what the story is and how long it has been going on. It is now up to you to decide if you will continue in this downward spriral or if you will break clean and start fresh. I wish you luck. And remember, your child is seeing all this everyday and it effects her. When you're a parent, sometimes, your wishes don't enter into the equation. It's always going to be what is best for the kid. You have to ask yourself; Is seeing and hearing all this negativity and tension good for her?
• United States
28 Jan 07
Shortgrl, I am sorry to hear about your dilema. I would say that you and him need to have a real heart to heart talk. Make sure you are calm enough to discuss your relationship without it exculating to an argument. It is hard leaving, I understand that and now with your gorgeous baby girl, that is really the last thing you would want to do. Since he claims that you are his problem, I would ask deeper questions about that and how exactly are you the problem? It takes two to make it and both of you have to be in it whole heartedly. Let him know you don't want to argue you just want to make your relationship work. See how he reacts to that if he is willing to put forth the effort and make a happy home with you and you'll daughter. Unfortunately, he may not be as anxious to talk about it, but I would try to get to the root of the problem a couple of times at least before you through it all away. If there is any abuse whatsoever, and I am not saying there is, I am just speaking from my own experiences - so please don't take that the wrong way. But if there is then I wouldn't stay around at all. I would give it up, because once that starts it is hard to get that to stop and it usually - most of the time doesn't - so I would get out now. Shoot me a message anytime if you want to discuss this futher.
• China
28 Jan 07
oh,i see it better your freedom is better being lost is better,you are right.