is marriage important

@epenner (162)
United States
January 28, 2007 4:04pm CST
My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage, and whether or not we are ready. He told his mom he was going to propose on Christmas, she slipped and told me, and it broke my heart when it didn't happen. So he tells me he has a surprise for my birthday. I think this is it. But is marriage as important as I think? Can two people stay in love without marriage? I want to get married I am ready. i am with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, but he isn't popping the question. What do I do?
14 people like this
110 responses
• Indonesia
28 Jan 07
epenner, what does your heart tell you to do? Follow your heart. I saw lots of people here in Britain, they live together without any paper/ getting married. Seems like they do can stay together in love without any marriage. I personally think it's quite nice to get married. The sense of security, the sense of belonging is more deep, knowing that he/she is not just a partner but husband/wife of mine. It's probably because I'm a conservative type of person, I believe.
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I believe you have taken the words out of my mouth. I do want to feel that deeper bond and sense og belonging. thanks so much.
1 person likes this
@kd5cqq (22)
• United States
29 Jan 07
OK-here's my two cents worth (no pun intended). I have been on both sides of the fence with the same man. I have known my husband since high-school. We were "best buds" and did everything together for 3 years in high school, but he was stuck on another girl. I decided to "go on" with mu life. Well 3 marriages and divorces later, and a lot of horrific pain I wind up right back where I started from. The Lord had His hand in this I am sure. I even moved from Texas to California. My first husband knew him. When I came back to visit, it happened to be the very weekend that my current husband was baptised. When my son was 3 1/2, my former husband and I moved to an apartment complex. My son went out of the apartment and I could not find him. Low and behold, my son comes back (I am frantically searching for him) and tells me that he was playing with this man with a radio controlled truck. I said what man--show me what man and there stood my current husband. I was floored. Not only did we live in the same apartment complex, but I lived on the bottom around the corner and he lived up top on the other side. At that time, my former husband and I were trying to make our marriage work, but it didn't. My current husband and I still did not get the picture. I dated someone else for 5 years. He married once because his girlfriend became pregnant with his only child who is now 12. Well, my mother took care of his baby and told me about her. I wanted to see his baby and just catch up. Well, we caught up alright. After 2 to 3 weeks of marriage, his wife had left him. So, our first date was in church. Eventually, we lived together. I had asked him to marry me one day when we were out and about. You should have seen the look on his face. He said that was a first. Well, he turned me down. Then, we decided to go down and do a common-law marriage-Declaration that we had been living together as man and wife. My husband never saw this as really being married. Several years later, he asked for a divorce. I gave it to him. They say: Set something free and if it comes back to you, then it is yours to keep. Well, I did not hear from him for about 2 years. Our high school reunion came up. I had not dated for 2 1/2 years and just had recently started dating about 8 months ago. He took me to my high school reunion because the man I had been dating had to go overseas. That night, my husband told me that he wanted me back. I still loved him, but I made him wait 6 months before I gave him an answer. I wanted him to be sure that he did indeed want me back. Then, things went on and the next thing I knew he came in and told me that I had 3 days to plan my wedding!!!! What!!!!!! He did not ask me. Well, as we do ( an argument later and me giving him the engagement ring back)--- I told him that I would not marry him until he asked me. Why??????? Because------ When he asked me to marry him, it gave my husband a greater since of commitment. Love and Commitment. A lot of men and women, too are afraid of commitment. They would rather just be able to walk away--no strings attached--Commitment formalized by a marriage means that you will do everything in your power to work out your problems. You accept each other for who you are. You're probably saying that you are already doing that---My dear---Having been on both sides of the fence--Being married to me brings a much more grounded solidified deepness to your relationship and a sense of permanence. That is why God created the institution of marriage. And yes, I do believe that being married, saying vows is God's way. The Declaration of Marriage (in my own personal walk with my Lord) was wrong and I have had to ask God for forgiveness. I praise God that I had a man willing to stand up for the old fashioned values of marriage.
• United States
28 Jan 07
I know how you feel. When my fiance proposed I kind of knew it was coming, but was so impatient. I was afraid he'd change his mind. My advice to you is to just relax. It'll happen when it is supposed to happen. Love him with all you are and just relax. That's my advice
2 people like this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
This is the best advice yet. It's so simple too, I guess there is no real advice anyone can give me except be patient. thanks alot.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 07
No problem honey. Just be patient. I'm sure that he knows that you are trying to figure out just when he's going to pop the question. So he's probably trying to throw you off and really surprise you. You love him, right? Then it'll be perfect. No matter if it happens tomorrow or a month from now or a year from now. Love doesn't just die because he doesn't propose when you think he will. I'm sure he loves you. Just love him. Keep on loving him every day. It'll all be fine :)
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jan 07
There is nothing wrong with you popping the question. If you feel that marriage is a good thing for the two of you, ask him to marry you.
2 people like this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
If I was to pop the question would I give him an engaement ring?
1 person likes this
• South Africa
29 Jan 07
I don't think it is a good idea for women to pop the question. I don't know men that will like that. Certain traditions should not be broken. A man wants to ask the question and it should stay like that. In the same way a wedding day should stay about the bride. If you do you should buy a ring but I don't know, it would be silly if you go down on your knees and produce the ring...no don't do it! Wait for him. Sometimes men are more practical when it comes to marriage (Sometimes too practical) and look beyond the fairytale of the wedding day. If you communicate as you should then there should be a good balance of fairytale and reality
1 person likes this
@snowflake5 (1579)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Don't think about it too much. You can always get engaged and have a long engagement. There isn't any rush. You clearly love him, but he may be feeling pressured and overwhelmed. It's natural. Marriage is one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives.
2 people like this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I'm not really in a rush to get married but if he loves me so much why hasn't he proposed.
1 person likes this
@wanna_be (411)
• Philippines
29 Jan 07
I agree with that. If you are really meant to be husband and wife then no matter what will happen you will still be married in the right time.
1 person likes this
@kylesmiles (1911)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Hey girlie! I was always the type to WANT to settle down with someone. I was luck enough to find the man that I could trust 100%. He's not one of the "bad boys" either... If it happens, be happy--if that's how you really feel! But if it doesn't...maybe YOU could propose... Maybe your boyfriend got nervous at the last minute?! :) After we got married, I realized that people look at your different as a couple... It's like marriage means MORE than just being boyfriend and girlfriend... I can't explain it further than that but that is what I noticed... :)
2 people like this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I want to atleast know that I mean that much to him. If he tells everyone else what makes it so hard to tell me. We talk about everything together.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 07
i agree people look at it different, but is it so important to spend so much money to tell other people that you love each other. Isn't it important to know yourselves above everyone else? And I agree with the you could propose after all one of you has to and if it has to be you then so be it right? also congrats on the marriage and hope all is going good for you.
1 person likes this
• Netherlands
28 Jan 07
Just wait... When it happens, you'll be very happy about it. But if it doesn't happen, don't cry about it. Maybe he isn't ready for it yet, but maybe later, a few months or even years, he will. Time isn't important! You two love each other, that's what counts!
2 people like this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I don't want to live my life an unmarried woman with two children
1 person likes this
@creechy29 (132)
• Philippines
28 Jan 07
every woman dreamed to be married to get perfect wedding, to walk down the isle. my husband, we've been in 5 yrs.relationship before we get married at the fifth year he decided to live together even without marriage coz our saving is not enough to have a wedding before the year end i got pregnant it was a month of november when the year 2006 enter and my womb is getting bigger reaches at 4-5 months i talk to him and suggest to have evev a civil wed for the sake of the child and he said yes!!! i think he's shy to propose to you so you need to make a first step you can do it
2 people like this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
We already have two children and I hate the way people look at us knowing that we are not married.
1 person likes this
@Willowlady (10666)
• United States
28 Jan 07
Don't know what his hurry would be if he is living with you anyway. Perhaps a discussion would be in order if by your birthday that this does not happen. You will get some rights and they will help both of you if this ends up bad. Glad this is the guy for you. Hope he feels the same way! I have been married over 20 years and it is the best thing especially if there are children.
2 people like this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
It's not a matter of being in a hurry, and living together isn't what a marriage is all about. I want the deeper understanding of love.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25051)
• Australia
28 Jan 07
This is a good topic. Here you are ready for marriage, you've discussed it with him. But are you really both as synchronised in this wish as you should be? I believe for a girl aspecially, she is maybe more in love with the idea of being in love, a wedding she has dreamed about with a beautiful gown, bridesmaids, shoes, cars, the reception, the honeymoon, etc etc. I think for many their expectations are unreal because they haven't thought things through, together and worked things out. I wish you joy.
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I'm not in it for any of the material things. Although it would be so nice to have a beautiful wedding and reception, and go on an exciting honeymoon, I'm in it for the love, and the bonding.
1 person likes this
@brokentia (10395)
• United States
28 Jan 07
You just wait patiently. For whatever reason, he is not ready. Maybe he is scared and that is what caused him to delay the proposal. Yes, I think marriage is important. You can love someone for a long period of time but marriage is a promise that you will be there with that person through thick and thin. Marriage is what a person proposes when that person knows there is no other. I am in a relationship that my partner does not want to get married. And to his convince, sometimes when he wants to pursue another, he can use that excuse that he is not married! He can break ties anytime he wants because we are not married. But one day, it will come back to bite him in the butt. Because I feel as if marriage is very important. And just so that you know...I have been with him for 16 years. LOL Of course, there have been off again and off again times during that 16 years. So, like I said, one day it will bite him in the butt! LOL
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
If you waited 16 years what am I doing complaining about 3. Wish you the best of luck too.
@brokentia (10395)
• United States
29 Jan 07
ha ha I don't think it is going to happen for me. LOL At least not with him. LOL But you still have a very good chance. Be patient...he will get there. And it will be perfect. :) Good luck! Oh! And when and if he does propose...we want all the details! :D
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Believe me when and if it does happen I'll probably be telling the entire world, which probably won't be to hard if I post it here.
@Brooke3 (614)
28 Jan 07
For me marriage is not at all important. I don't need a piece of paper and a ceremony to tell me that I love my partner and that he loves me. I don't need a legal contract to stop him from leaving me or me from leaving him. But that's just teh way I see it. I think it's a personal thing.
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
28 Jan 07
I don't need the paper either, i need the feeling.
• South Africa
29 Jan 07
I disagree. It is more than just a piece of paper. It is a commitment for life and promise made in front of God and witnesses. Once I made that promise everything changed. The idea of leaving her or she me is just non existent. Thoughts like "what if I stop loving her?" doesn't come to mind. You can't stop loving one unless you make a decision to do that and even then I am not sure you can do that. If you love someone isn't the greatest thing you can do to promise that you will always be next to that person, supporting and listening. Marriage for me is a decision to be a witness (and have a witness ) of the one person you chose 's life. Marriage is great!
• Indonesia
29 Jan 07
off course, because relationship without marriage is like an animal. are you ready if i call u dog??
• Malaysia
29 Jan 07
nice one
@pclife (246)
• Malaysia
29 Jan 07
Of course , it's so important if you want your relationship continues forever. Without marriage, your relationship is unsure & there might be others trying to ruin your relationship between both of you. So, what do have to do is ,tell him about your feeling if you can BUT if you cant I think you can show some hints , HOW ? Let's them answer you : How To Propose ? : This is for A Girl's Guide : http://www.theknot.com/ch_article.html?object=A00419133437&keywordType=&keywordID=166&parentID=533
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Wow they really have a website for it. I'll definately check it out.
@loujac3 (1188)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Men are a strange breed. I was married for 24 years and when we divorced I saw a side of him that I did not know existed. Scary! I am dating a wonderful man that is so different from anyone I have ever dated before. I had this wonderful feeling after spending just one evening talking with him. I never thought I could feel that way about anyone and then it happened. Give your man some time and go easy on him. I am sure that he loves you as much as you love him. Marriage is a big step and men are not as accepting of the idea at first as women are. I really hope that your birthday is everything you want it to be! Good luck and keep a positive attitude! It will happen.
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Great, i wish you good luck as well.
• Canada
29 Jan 07
I can remember feeling the same way as you as my husband and I were together for 11 years with 2 children before we got married . And I just wanted to have his last name and the same last name as my children . I can say I enjoy being married even though it doesn't really change anything . Hopefully you will not have to wait as long as I did . Best wishes .
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
You are the first to almost completely relate to my feelings, thanks so much.
@tenzen (114)
• Philippines
29 Jan 07
Marriage is a choice. The question is how commited are the people in this relationship. People have been living together without marriage for ages. On the practical side, there ARE (tax/legal/etc) benefits to having your union formalized, though.
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
LOL, you are the first to put it that way.
@angelco (347)
• Philippines
29 Jan 07
well for me marriage is important because it is sacred...it is a promise you made in front of God that you will spend each others life forever...you will be there through thick and thin, for better for worst...but in your situation, you don't need to be in a hurry maybe you boyfriend is quite shy so he was not able to say his proposal right away...you have to wait until both of you are ready to face another path of your life :)
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Marriage is very sacred to me, thank you
• United States
29 Jan 07
I think marriage is very important. I have been married before. and I loved it when I was married. Some of my friends are like it's just a piece of paper. But it is so much more then that, it shows that you are complete. Plus you feel so much better knowing that you are united as one couple. Just because not everyones marriage works out, does not mean a thing. Marriage is a wonderful thing. So please if you want to get married and you fell it is right then please get married
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
I'm glad I'm not the only person who doesn't believe it to be just a peice of paper, it means so much more to me.
@babykay (2133)
• Ireland
29 Jan 07
It depends what marriage means to both of you. In Ireland statistics show that for couples who live together in an informal common law situation, tend to end up either formalizing their union through marriage or else splitting. I lived with my partner for years and now we have a kid, we got married after we had our child. If you really love someone and think there is a good chance you will be together forever, then go for it. Thats what I think anyway...
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Good Advice, Thanks
• United States
29 Jan 07
I wouldnt worry about it sweetie, you know your with the man you want to be with for the rest of your life so there is no rush right, it will happen soon enough when you both are ready.
1 person likes this
@epenner (162)
• United States
29 Jan 07
Thank You