how to get my 11 year old to nit be so bossy towards her mom and to get along

This is going to take some very tough love. This kind of attitude dosen't just pop up overnight, it develops. You've proven yourself to be weak and unassertive to her, now she thinks she can rule. Put her in her place, keep her in her place. At this point your going to have to be outright nasty about it until she gives up. You've let her push you around long enough, time to push back.

She is very disrespectful. You need to punish her construtively. Lay the rules down if she acts a certain way, then it is her choice, but so and so will happen if she does it. Mom and dad must back eachother up. As she becomes a teen, it will be out of control, so nip it in the bud now. Very important.

From what you said, I think you are going to need some help. I would try to find another counsellor or professional to help. I think the best resource is Jim Fey's Love and Logic program. Being nasty is NOT the way to get through to her. I do think you need to be firm and I think Jim Fey's techniques are very good, if you can implement them. They tend to be supportive, more than punitive - and they are based on natural consequences. Last, this may be a bit of a personality disorder, so I would also consider going to a doctor who is used to this age group. Sometimes, things like bi-polar disorder or other personality disorder can manifest itself this way. Best of luck to you !!