What do you do when your future Step-Daughter does want you marry her father

@Bytemi (1553)
United States
January 31, 2007 10:17am CST
My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married. We talked to the kids about it to get their feelings on it and my 3 year old was so excited she said she wanted to call him daddy. His nine year old said that was fine. When we dropped her off on Sunday, her Mother layed into my boyfriend because apparently his daughter went home and cried for almost two weeks because she doesn't want us to get married. What do I do???
3 responses
@apostrofy (661)
• Romania
31 Jan 07
try to talk to her (maybe she'll be feeling more confortable to talk about this with her dad only and that's ok too). u need to find out why she feels that way. i'm guessing at that age she might be feeling u'r stealing her daddy away from her or maybe something else. she might just need reassurances that her daddy will always be her daddy, and once u 2 are married u can be like an older sister for her or something like that (u'r not replacing her mom). try to find out what is bugging her and i'm sure u'll find a way to that. congratulations for u'r up-comming wedding :)
2 people like this
• Canada
31 Jan 07
What you do, is what you want to do. Blended families are sometimes hard, and I don't think that his daughter is thinking about it from the standpoint of a 9 year old, I think she is thinking about it from her mother's point of view. Sit down with her and her father, just the 3 of you, and tell her that you love her father very much,and you want to be married because that's what people who love each other do. Tell her that it doesn't mean that her daddy is going to love her any less than he does now, and nothing is going to change besides the fact that this little girl is going to have one more person that loves her. I hate to say it though, that if the girls mother isn't being supportive.. she's the biggest influence that his daughter is going to have and since she's 9, her feelings are going to span from what she hears her mother say.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I will never, ever, ever, understand why parents put their feelings on their childern when there is a divorce, don't they understand that it is not what is in the best interest of the child, it does so much more damage than good. I just wish people would put the kids first. I think that my ex-husband is an @ss, but I am talking to our daughter he is loving father that will do anything for her and I never say anything negative. I just don't understand.
• Canada
31 Jan 07
I don't think anyone will ever understand it. I don't know why it happens either. Perhaps since one parent has moved on and is happy, it's making them more miserable.. and she's only got his daugter.. it's their common bond. Perhaps it makes her feel better turning her against him, or perhaps she thinks that her daughter's 'feelings' will make you 2 not get married.. leaving the both of you as miserable as she is.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
31 Jan 07
Honestly I don't want to go into a marriage if she is against, I know from personal experience how miserable a child can make a marriage if they don't like their parents choice. I just wish she liked me, or I feel that she does not like me.
@JC1969 (1226)
• United States
1 Feb 07
Actually, you do nothing. It is not your place to interfere with the way your boyfriend's child feels. I understand you want it to be harmonious, but right now that little girl is feeling insecure, and it is her Daddy's responsibility to ease her fears. She is probably apprehensive about the changes to the family dynamics--yet again. Think about it, she has had to deal with her mom and dad not being together, and now a possible step-mom and step sister. Sometimes this can be very stressful on a child who is young and still very impressionable and insecure. You cannot compare the way your 3 year old handled the news, with the way his 9 year old handled it. Children, and humans in general, handle stress and emotional changes differently. If you turn around and try to interfere with this, you may push her away from you instead of reassuring her that the marriage will have no affect on the relationship she has with her dad, and her mom. See kids that have to deal with this often feel like they are betraying the other parent, in this case her mom, if she would act over-joyed about you and her dad marrying. This is why her dad needs to do some reassuring that the relationship she will have with you will not be rushed or forced, and that no one is replacing her mom or taking her dad away from her. All you can really do is be the same nice person you have been to her. She is reacting totally normal with respect to the circumstances, and you didn't do anything wrong--she just has to be allowed to handle this in her own way--and you can't force it, but daddy can do alot of reassuring.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I agree that I can not control how she feels, however, do we call off the wedding because a 9 year old doesn't want it to happen. Then what, we break up all together because she doesn't like her sister. I agree that her feelings matter, but they can't control the household or how we act.