Will he just never grow up?
By allshookup
@allshookup (598)
United States
January 31, 2007 3:45pm CST
I have another problem with my fiancee!! IT's been a reoccurring one. Cleaning. HE does the surface things, like sweeping, wiping off the counter, loading the dishwasher, making the bed, straightening up... but nothing like vacuuming or dusting or mopping. If he straightens up there is still a dirty floor and dusty surface. It's like making "dirty" a little LESS dirty. Outside, he leaves bottles and trash all around. the dog tore up his bed in the backyard, and now there are shreds everywhere. HE brought the dog home, we did not discuss it, therefore big messes like that are in HIS hands... am I wrong? We always fight when it comes up because he says I complain about it too hard (starts with a B and ends with an itch!). Suggestions? I can't live in filth all the time; sometimes I think the house can go until I feel like cleaning it because I love him, but other days I think he should love me enough to take care of our home. I am a full-time student who works 30 hours as well, while he is construction and some days doesn't even have work due to weather and other parts of the construction holdups, and ALWAYS is off on the weekends. Am I wrong for wanting his cleaning skills to advance?
11 people like this
61 responses
@happythoughts (4109)
• United States
1 Feb 07
This is a battle between me and my hubby too. He will put his shoes in the closet and feel like I should give him a medal. I work really hard to keep up on the house and cant keep up due to him and the kids. This personality trait must come built in to some people... Maybe there is electroshock therapy for this?
@allshookup (598)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I wish! I'd max my credit out to have him in that therapy chair.
@mikeyr6000le (2123)
• United States
1 Feb 07
Here is a tip. Try going on strike. Don't do any of your cleaning,cooking, and other things. Then maybe he will get the hint. Since he is the one who brought the dog home without talking about it, then it should be his job to clean up after it. Good luck with him.
2 people like this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
2 Feb 07
oh man. this is really just turning my whole outlook around. I came home from work for lunch to SEE HIM. He wasn't even here, the dog was inside (we always leave him outside when gone) and trash was in the kitchen, living room, and he POOPED RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. No telling where else. So, now I've lost my appetite and am SO ANGRY... what do you do when enough is enough????
@inplano (298)
• United States
1 Feb 07
well it looks that he helps around doing the household chores however has his own way of doing things...i think rather than telling him...i would suggest when he does the clenaing you try an djoin in at times and let him observe how you finish it and there are chances he might pick up from there....avoid the nagging way as much as possibel bec it does not work...
2 people like this
@ronita34 (3922)
• Canada
1 Feb 07
No you are not wrong for wanting him to improve but you must remember at least he is doing the basics. Most men do not clean at all and at least he is trying yo help with teh cleaning! I think that instead of nagging him about it talk to him and i bet if you ignore the matter than he will do it on his own as he will know that you are really upset!!
2 people like this
@hotmamma_05 (183)
• United States
1 Feb 07
No you aren't wrong. He has more time on his hands then you do, he should help you around the house. I was watching a preacher preach on T.V and he said if your other half isn't everything you need then don't marry them until they are. My fiance used to be like that and all he did was watch ESPN sports center. I mean he would do stuff like leave his dirty clothes right by the dirty clothes basket instead of in it, that would really piss me off. Finally I just broke down crying telling him all the stuff he was doing and why couldn't he help me, he hates when I get that upset so he changed his ways and helps me out, with a little bit of slip ups here and there but as long as they are occasionally I don't mind as much.
2 people like this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I just don't know if it's gonna be a deal breaker or not.. still thinking about that one. Really hard. I'm at a breaking point.
@courtlynne77 (4839)
• United States
1 Feb 07
I think that a lot of men clean like that. It is like they don't see anything but the surface dirt. My husband does it all the time, especially with whiskers from shaving. He always says he wiped up, but they are all over the place. And this one is my favorite he will do laundry, but with the way he folds he may as well not do it, everything me and the kids wear after he does laundry needs ironing.
1 person likes this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
hahahah see my man does laundry better than i do, but the whiskers thing, I have brought up too, and he always says "I'll get them, just not right now.." then a week later, and I supposed to be just as patient when I ask him why they're still there? lol good luck with his folding skills hun
@paule4129 (968)
• United States
1 Feb 07
i really think this relationship is going to end messy /i think your obbsessed with him doing things like you do and maybe you forgot why you love this guy?hmmm guy works constuction -dirty hard long days not easy to be the perfect house keeper when your tired after a long day -at least he trys to help many dont even do that/guys for the most part are not as picky i keep a pretty nice house but i know people that do better and most women are impressed at how clean my house is but i know i could do better/maybe it would be better to designate him task he dose to your satisfaction and give him praise when he does good
1 person likes this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
2 Feb 07
he doesn't even have days lately!!! he's basically had a week off work!! no joke!
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
1 Feb 07
hmmmm...I think it's much better like that than him doing nothing at all. Why not talk to him in a gentle manner and let him know how you feel...tell him that since the dog is his pet he should be the one to clean up the dogs mess.. If you both love each other and you think he really do love you tell him how you feel..Tell him to share the work load with you..Tell him you appreciate his cleaning and all but he needs to do some dusting..It's not wrong to want his cleaning skills but dont nag him...maybe he feels you are nagging him..but tell him he has no right to call you that B word...That is what is foul.
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
i am so sorry i gave you that impression, he has VERY rarely actually called me that word, just says I "nag" by saying I "%itch" not "You are a..." just "you're %itching at me, stop." just to clear that one up. he's very respectful toward me verbally, I just wish it would extend into respectful toward our household!
@independent_inAK (274)
• United States
1 Feb 07
I would lay off a little bit...after all...it sounds like he does more than most guys. Try to be happy for what he DOES do. Yes, there are some things, like the "dog" issue, that should be his responsibility but I don't think he should have to do EVERYTHING. I do understand that you are a full time student and that takes up a lot of your time but like I said, try to be thankful for what he DOES do...it could be a lot worse.
Maybe on the weekends or whenver you are both home at the same time, try to do some housework TOGETHER. That way the load isn't solely on one person or the other. Good luck!
@independent_inAK (274)
• United States
1 Feb 07
I also want to add that you need to realize that the way things are now is the way things are going to be even after your married. Not much will change. Maybe some little habits will change but usually bigger things, like the cleaning habits, won't change. If you can't stand it now you won't be able to stand it once you are married. I'm not trying to discourage you from getting married but I have friends who are so caught up in the "bliss" and they think everything will be better once they get married. I tell them from experience that it is not true!
1 person likes this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
Our situation is so crammed, though... We both get up at around 6:30 every morning, but I am home Mon-Wed by 2. Thur & Fri, I have school in the mornings and then usually RIGHT after that I have to go to work until 11 at night. Today was an exception; the only thing we had to do in lab was look at algae and draw it (College is so tough). Then, on the weekend, I have work 9 hrs of the day and he has none. He hasn't had much work lately, as I've said before. Instead, he'll come home with his partner and want to play video games for hours, and then watch TV or "go do something." Never be at home and clean, unless no one is available and I'm not around. I have minimal school work as it just started back, but still the shock of it starting back has left me feeling almost incapacitated when it comes to housework. A lot of the frustration stems from my lack of gusto for housecleaning, which I have very little of lately. But he has done very little, and has left a lot of things I've asked him about for almost a whole month now. So I do tend to nag, I think anyone's patience would be up by now, but I am so thankful when he DOES do stuff. It's rarely enough to measure up to real house cleaning, and like I said we have little time together when we're not wore out. I will try to get with him this weekend though, and ask him if he'd watch the way I clean things and see if he could maybe try it some day.
@AmberNormandin (883)
• United States
1 Feb 07
i sure wouldnt be complaining! my husband wont hardly lift a finger around here unless i throw a fit. I'd be thrilled if my hubby did all that stuff that you named off that your fiancee does! Im a stay at home mom, student, and mother of 2 young daughters ----2yrs old and 2 months old. I'd be soooo greatful if i had as much help around here as you do.
1 person likes this
@haqueen (236)
• United States
1 Feb 07
that is very very serious but not just serious extremly serious ....i bet u ..i u get to the alter with that guyz just send me a mesage ..coz am sure this guy must be pretending so as to get ur love to the fullest or ..am sorry to say u must be abit lazy so he is just helpin u coz he can just figure oyut wat kid of cute gal u were ..pliz check on those to factors ..
or just ask the guy will u be doin this when u marry me or wat coz this is just a crush of duties
@michelledarcy (5220)
•
31 Jan 07
i think the only way to advance a mans cleaning skills is to teach him. They don't always seem to see dirt and mess in the same way as we do.
1 person likes this
@im_theboss (384)
• India
1 Feb 07
ur fiancee is a real man (lol). its common fr every man. u'll rarely get a man who keeps his place clean n tidy. try to cope up with it.
1 person likes this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
well i am glad i don't have a half man, if nothing else ;-)
@fabwisp (1327)
•
1 Feb 07
some people are just like this (and not just men). He appears to be making an effort to try and do these things for you. Maybe you could have a compromise where he tidies etc and then its all ready for you to quickly mop and hoover. Also bring the conversation up when it is not an issue so you can both rationally talk about the problem and try to find some way round it.
1 person likes this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
true, i brought it up right in the midst of me sweeping, so i was probably a little more agitated---not wanting to sweep---than would be if we were sitting on the couch talking about it.
@samraf (725)
• India
1 Feb 07
offcourse he will one day or other he will be different, he is just to careless now days may be because he knows that you are there to take care of him and everything.. sweet right :)
i think please dont try to change him , just say him or tell him everytime that because of you ihave to work more and i go very tired n all...
belive me one day or other he will be doing the same what you want from him. but just dont force or keep telling him again and again , by that he will get irritate and then fight is almost there.
so its better not to point out again and again , just do that work cleaning and everything with a smile to him, one day or the other he will realise about it and that would be the turning point of him and you will be more loved and respected by him.
trust me.
regards,
Sam
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
patience IS a virtue... that i lack with him, thanks for your feedback
@littlenita (144)
• United States
1 Feb 07
I'm not trying to get smart with you, but you stated that you complain about it all the time. "Stop" complaining! Sit him down and "talk" to him. Let him how byu talking to him that these issues bother you. Maybe the things he doesn't do correctly are the things you should handle and let him handle the other things that he does correctly.
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
that is what HE says I do... I think I give him about 30 seconds of real talk before he says something lazy. and he knows that's not right, so i tend to go off. but you are right; i need to work on that, because for example, he doesn't approve of my computer time. i am on here a lot. i love it. but he just says so, he never comes at me hollerin' about it.
@apky12 (769)
• United States
1 Feb 07
I have to tell you, your fiancee is doing better than my husband. My husband wouldn't straighten up or make the bed or anything like that. He won't empty the trash. The dog is his thing but that's why I won't get a dog. I know he wants it but I would be taking care of it. I don't think it has to do with him loving you. I think it's just the way men are wired a lot of the time. A lot of men have mothers who have taken care of the everything for them. Then they have girlfriends, fiances, etc. that take care of them. Also, a lot of men just don't care how dirty something is or if they need to clean something. You aren't wrong for wanting his cleaning skills to be advanced but it just probably isn't going to happen. I've been trying to mold mine now for 15 years and it hasn't happened yet. I have 2 little boys too so I'm trying to teach them so when they get older their wife will appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
gosh i have high standards, it seems. why do we settle for it???
@plylilbunny (21)
• United States
1 Feb 07
i had the same problem with my fiancee, he kinda saw it as womens work. kinda of something his mother taught him as he grew up. when we got married i always did all the cleaning and well everything else. he eventually came around when i just stopped doing it. i couldnt work, go to school, and be a full time house keeper. it wasnt in me to do all of that.
your not wrong for wanting him to help you clean. it took me a while to get him to help me out but i was glad when he finally came around and did help me out cause it meant alot to me. it takes time to do, and it takes a lot of engery just to not get to mad at them.
@allshookup (598)
• United States
1 Feb 07
you're so right. i am glad for you! quick question: how long was "a while"? lol... i want to know how much further i have to look toward the future.
