Is love enough?

United States
February 2, 2007 6:05pm CST
I have been married for 15 years. He is a great father and he provides by paying the bills. I have worked all my life and paid for my own car. Well the company I work for retired and I lost my job. My hubby makes up to 25.00 an hour and he is upset with me because I have not found a job yet. He gets so mad if I ask him for money just to buy milk or bread. I know he carries around sometimes up to two to three thousand dollars. He will buy for himself but he wont even buy for his kids. I am about to loose my car because he wont pay a payment for me. I love him with all my heart but is that enough?
15 people like this
100 responses
• United States
3 Feb 07
Sounds like he is not holding up his end of the marriage, you guys are suppose to be a team. Help each other out when one of you is down an out. You need to let him know about how you feel about the situation and let him know you need his help. If he does not budge or change, you might want to seek counseling and move from there.
3 people like this
• United States
3 Feb 07
He went to counseling with his first wife. He said it did not work so he wont go with me. He just feels like if he is going to work, I have to work plus keep a spotless home and be a mom taxie. All I ask for is just a little help until I get back on my feet. My kids wont even ask him for money because they hate to hear him fuss. They put me up to it. I mean after he fusses, He will give me the money but I just wish I did not have to go through that every time.
• United States
3 Feb 07
Hello just reading all your responses. It really boils down to this, if he is not going to support your or help you out, you need to ask him how important this family is to him, remember you have to take care of you and your kids, then come first.
1 person likes this
@uu4h708 (638)
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
correct ksstormhunter.. if he loves your kids.. he should at least give you some money,, coz anyway, you will be using that for the kids right?? right?? he might be thinking that you were just using the kids to get money from him(like to pay your car etc).. but still ... he is treating you so badly... get a decent job.. even if the income is low... at least youd have some cash to spend for your kids and for yourself... then get out.... now you know why his first marriage failed.. therefore... sometimes... love isnt enough... coz in the first place.. youre the only one giving out love.. but what about your kids? you also need to look after their future right... so.. go.. if you must.. if he also loves you.. he will do everything to have and his kids back...
• United States
11 Feb 07
the children are the responsibility of both parents, he would get that pointed out to him harshly in divorce court. he should not have difficulty coughing up for basics like milk and bread. a car, i don't know cuz i don't know enough about the specifics of your situation, but he should gladly support for the kiddos.
3 people like this
• United States
25 Jul 08
Well he has started going to the grocery store himself. He now relizes how expensive food is.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jul 08
Oh Lordy, I wouldn't even be able to afford having a kiddo! I pay $150 a month on groceries just for me myself and I!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 08
lol
@ydnac22 (804)
• Philippines
22 Mar 07
ohhh im sorry to hear this. I know a couple must be there always for each other.Thats why they are called partners.They are expected to be partners in problems, difficulties,and ups and downs of each other.iTS not good to hear that they are just partners in times of happiness. In your case i think you guys should set for a while and discuss all this things. Explain to him what you feel.Let him understand that you need his help in raising your kids and now that your down you need his full support. I will pray that you will be able to fix the problem you have.Good luck to you and wish you will find a good job soon. Keep praying,it really works :)
3 people like this
• United States
25 Jul 08
Thank you so much!
@laltu86 (1253)
• India
22 Mar 07
Sorry to hear about your story, i am very young and inexperienced to comment about this topic, what i can say is that i belive in living my life to the fullest, no boundaries , and no waiting. What i get from yourstory is that your husband is making his terietory, so let it be that way, try to convince him once more about your problem , more of about your true love. but if he cannot pay the in-due respect of your love then i belive you have the potential to take care of yourself and your children very comfortablly, use it.
3 people like this
• United States
25 Jul 08
You sound like you are young. By reading what you have written, I know you will be going far in your life. Thanks!
• United States
21 Mar 07
Sorry to say it no love is not enough at all. Your hubby sounds a bit on the stingy side. I can't say leave him... But dear if you can't get him to pay for your car. Something you will need to get to and from work. I would have to find other means of love. I am single and love it that way. I pay all my bills on my own. I am without food right now. I made rice for breakfast and will have it for dinner. But I would rather do bad by myself. When I was married/in a relationship. I never took money from a man. So I still would have to fend for myself. I know you have combined your funds for your family without any problems. This is why it's hard for you now. Don't give up. I am on mylot and dormckeck right now. Earn your money girl..
3 people like this
• United States
25 Jul 08
Thanks I am trying to make money here. It sure is hard.
• United States
22 Feb 07
I am the first to tell anyone to try and make your marriage work, but after 15 years... You and your kids deserve better than that. What kid of man would even fix his mouth and mind to be upset about having to give his wife money for the basic household necessaities. You are already under enough pressure trying to search for new job, worrying about not having money, and about to lose your car. Again, what kind of man is this that would allow his wife and children to suffer to the point that you might loose your car. He sounds selfish - and he probably has been this way through your marriage. Where is is love for you and family. If a man loves his wife and family, he will do his part and make sure that his families needs are met especially if he has the money. There are so many fathers and mothers who can't meet the needs of their families. Yet, it can meet your needs and refuses. Something is not right. You try and try to keep your marriage together, but remember it takes two - not just you. And what are your children learning from the way he treats their mother. It is good if he pays the bills - but you and your concerns you car etc.. are apart of those bills. He needs to respect you more and that is what will also make he a great father. Again, you deserve better treatment.
• United States
25 Jul 08
Well as I have stated before, I wrote this a year ago. I let him read alot of this and I think, he felt ashamed. He did pay off my car and things are alot better.
@ZowieR (942)
• Canada
22 Feb 07
no love isnt enough. some women love the men that beat them. its one thing to not buy me things, but you better drop some seriouse cash on our mutual child, what does he think the kids arnt his? his a D!CK if ya ask me.
• United States
25 Jul 08
He has been call that quite a few times. LOL
• United States
11 Feb 07
It sounds like he has some power and trust issues. It's a shame that he's being so mysterious and controlling. You've done the best you can to take care of yourself until this point. What if he lost his job and couldn't get a new one? Would he expect you to take care of him if the tables were turned. If he won't even buy things his kids need, he needs a wake up call. These are his kids, you're his wife, you're supposed to be a family and families stick together through thick and thin. If money is all he cares about, would he even care if you were gone?
3 people like this
• United States
25 Jul 08
At one point, I don't think he would. We are doing alot better now.
@34momma (13891)
• United States
3 Feb 07
honey, i think you need to chck your relationship. i think that it is wrong that you husband is not there fo you and the children when you are down. is love enough to keep a relationship going? hell no. you need for better or worst, richer or poorer, love trust and pay my car payment!!!
• United States
3 Feb 07
LOL thank you so much. You made me laugh for the first time today. "love, trust and pay my car payment. I will have to try that one on him. If it dont work can I send him to your house. LOL I hope you have a great day.
@34momma (13891)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I am glad that i can make you laugh. i know when things are rough laughing is not always easy. i say sit him down and let him know how you are feeling. good luck girl and keep laughing, it's much better then crying
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Feb 07
Thanks alot. Yea I had rather be happy then sad.
@chertsy (3804)
• United States
22 Mar 07
This man isn't bright huh. 15 years of marriage, once you ever do file for a divorce, ouch. If I was you I would stop cleaning the house. If he says anything say, I'm sorry but I been out all day trying to get a job so your kids could eat. I'm amazed you put up with him. Seems like women are so easy to let the man walk all over them. Also tell him if you don't help me on my car payments, guess who will be taking the kids here and there, because it won't be me unless a car just pops out of the blue. You just have to put your foot down with this guy.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Jul 08
LOL I have figured that one out.
@TiareF (241)
• United States
11 Feb 07
If you've been married that long and he won't even make a payment on your car, what is wrong with him?? I wouldn't appreciate the fact that he gets upset when you ask for money for some groceries either. That just doesn't make sense. I know I'm an independent woman and have been for a long time as a matter of fact I paid all the bills while I was in my last relationship because it was easier than asking him for anything. He used to get mad if I asked for money for diapers for his son, so I know where you're coming from. No, I don't think love is enough. I think if it isn't a partnership with each partner supporting the other over a rough spot then it's not a strong relationship at all. Just a thought.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Jul 08
I am glad you understand.
• United States
3 Feb 07
If I was able to make that kind of money, I would want my wife to either stay home with the kids, or just get a part time job. But we both work 2 part time jobs, have 3 daughters, and a grandson living at home with us. Our oldest daughter works part time, goes to a community college part time, and we all help take care of her son, who is almost 9 months old. All of the money we make goes to provide for the entire family. And for the last month, we have been helping my wife's aunt, who had a mild stroke before christmas. After she got out of rehab, she stayed with us for 10 days, and went to arizona for 10 days to be with her sister. Now we are in the middle of trying to help her find a new apartment, which is closer to us, and finding a moving company to move all of her belongings. We have done all of this, because she is family. We haven't asked her to help pay for some of the things that we have had to pay for, like all of her medication, travelling expenses, or food. Although she has given us money here and there, most of it comes from what we make, and things are getting tight. So when I here that a man, who has a family, doesn't want to help out with the necessities to help out the family, then he has no business in having a family. He seems to be self-centered, and a non caring person. My wife and I are going to be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary on valentines day, and even though things are tight, I still want to make it as nice as I can for her. This is only because we have gone through so much together in the last 20 years, and even the last month, that we need some time alone just to relax, no matter what the cost. I hope that one day, your husband will see that he is a lucky man to have a family, rathe than being alone.
• United States
3 Feb 07
Thats the point. I was raised in a family that was there for each other through thick and thin. My mom worked because she wanted to and my brother insisted that his wife stayed at home. My dad and brother always put his family first. I am just dumbfounded even after 15 years that my hubby does not feel that way. He puts himself first. He even forgot my 40th birthday.
@mfpsassy (2827)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Why doesn't your husband buy the milk and bread or the things the kids need? He should have been happy not to have to make a car payment. Tell him man up or get out. My husband only makes $11.00 a hour and we manage. He has no kids of his own but it takes care of mine like they were his own. I would sure hope he is not that contoling for everything. I think if you even had to ask this question then you know the answer.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
yea you are right. He usually does buy the bread and milk when he goes to the grocery store. He wont even give me money to go to the store. Its just the thought of handing me money for any reason.
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
your husband should do anything for his kids and family. it's his responsibility to do such thing. do you think he still loves you the fact that you lost your job? why does he act that way? if your husband loves you, he must accept anything in you and be flexible to whatever might happen to you... he actually forgot that he is the head and provider of the family. it was not actually your will to lose your job, am i right? it just happened unexpectedly. you should find a job now, or else your husband will treat you that way forever as if you're useless (sorry for the term) but that's the way he treats you.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
yea, I have told him that he is head of the house and it is his job to take care of us. He will say " since I am head of the house, you need to get a job" I have a interview Monday. I hope to get that job. I will find a job next week if it is scraping chewing gum off sidewalks. I will never go through this again. When I get a job, I am putting up every penny I can get my hands on. When I was working, I paid my car payment and bought for the kids. Heck I even spent my whole paycheck on him for clothes every six months. Never again
• United States
5 Feb 07
It sounds like he is giving you a healthy dose of 'tough love'. I imagine that he'll be a little more helpful if you put in some effort to make your own way and can document every attempt you've made. Get off your butt and make something of your life!
• United States
5 Feb 07
excuese me? I have worked for the last 23 years at one compay. I have never had to ask him for one penny. I advise that you read all the comments before you say something like that. I am just speechless. You sound just like my husbend. OMG
2 people like this
• Anderson, Indiana
7 Feb 07
Probably IS your husband! He's probably bought his own computer and has an account here! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!
1 person likes this
@winky73 (1396)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I'm sorry halfserious....but that's the most ignorant thing I've read in a long time.A marriage is supposed to be a partnership....so if she is taking care of the kids and the house....well she's keeping her end of the bargain....but him not wanting to pay for food and things that his kids need and making a big fuss about it.....I don't think that's right and no court in this country would have a problem with making him pay if they would divorce. Your response was very insulting....you definatly got a negative rating from me!
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (14033)
• Canada
3 Feb 07
Don't look for the same job that you had, it won't be easy to get nowadays. Get simple job like waitress or janitor, anything that makes money. With having kids, your life is difficult when only one person works. They say money is not everything, but it will buy you everything you need although not what you want. Sorry I think you should get whatever job there is just to get by.
1 person likes this
@winky73 (1396)
• United States
3 Feb 07
No get a good paying job and kick him to the curb.I'm sorry LittleMel....but he doesn't even want to buy food for his kids....don't you think there is something wrong with that?
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
I have always said just as soon as my youngest boy hits 18 I am out of there. I mean he has never hit me and he does pay the bills. I just get so mad when I have to beg him for money when he tells me he dont have it and I know he does.
@LittleMel (14033)
• Canada
3 Feb 07
Are you serious? Hiding his wallet ? You pay for the kids and he pays the bills. I guess you spent more because kids needs are a lot more than 2500/mth on average. LOL you've got some scores to make ..
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
I'm surprised after reading through the reponses that no one else has said it. He doesn't love you. Marriage is teamwork. There shouldn't be seperate accounts or who should pay what bill. What he is..is selfish. There's nothing you can do to change him. The only thing you can do is change yourself and keep your children from growing up believing that this is a normal relationship. He may not hit you, but there are other types of abuse. Emotional, Psychological, etc.. You should read the book "He's just not that into you". It will provide alot of insight into your "relationship" with this man. Please don't make excuses for the way he treats you. My guess is that you would not do that same to him if the shoe were on the opposite foot AND you should never ever settle for less than what you yourself would give. He clearly has no respect for you at all. With the limited amount of info you've given, my guess is he enjoys the power he has over you. He obviously has his own issues with self-esteem and by making you feel bad he is somehow making himself feel better. Basically, he's a bully. And the fact that you have put up with it for this long, means he's pretty darn effective at it. While he may not go to counseling, I strongly suggest that you do. Contact the local domestic violence center, they offer free counseling and emotional support. Remember that hitting someone is not the only form of abuse, it's simply the one that's easiest to see and accept. I don't preach divorce by any means, but the vows you took are not being upheld.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
Well I dont think he really loves me like he should. I feel like there is something there. As I said in another comment to someone else, I am in my second marriage. My first would beat the heck out of me all the time. My second hubby Is wonderful all around except the money issue. I know he loves himself more then he love his own flesh and blood. This may sound crazy but I am writing up a plan for myself on getting a job and working on being more happy in my life. This is the first time I have ever had to ask him for money in the whole fifteen years. I keep saying I am going to leave him when my 14 year turns 18 and who knows he might be saying the same thing. Thanks and I hope you have a great day.
• United States
3 Feb 07
I have to agree here. Just because he doesn't beat any of you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. I've been to counseling for domestic abuse and was wholeheartedly surprised to find out that withholding money is a form of control over your partner. It is abuse. As long as he can with hold the money from you, it may stay that way. If you don't get the job you're interviewing for and he has to continue giving you money, even small amounts, it's taking the control from him. Then the abuse can, and often does go in a different direction. You really need to think about going to counseling to find out why your getting into abusive relationship and learn how to not do that anymore. If he refuses to go to counseling with you, it may not be a good idea to wait until you youngest son is 18. Not to mention the fact that seeing their father behave this way, and their mother tolerate it teaches your children that it's alright. They look at the way parents behave much more than what the parent says.
@manong05 (5029)
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
True love is enough and it will show itself even in small acts. Saying I love a person is purely words and can never be enough, it must prove itself. Love in a relationship is translated into visible actions like teamwork, transparency, understanding and real concern for the well-being of the one we love. With all these in view, love is enough. Having said that, I would suggest that we should always keep communication lines open. There might be some reasons perhaps problems that our significant other is going through that makes him behave like he does. There is no substitute for a good communication in a healthy relationship. It works wonders. Cheers.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
What if you try to communicate with the one you love and He does not want to hear it? What if he starts screaming? Then what?
@uu4h708 (638)
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
you just have to tell him that yelling wont do any help.. and whether he likes it or not.. he'd have to listen to what you've gotta say... the key is.. dont shout... let him do all the yelling.. he will soon get tired....
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
Oh I dont shout. I hate shouting. and he knows it
@winky73 (1396)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Uh hello?What is wrong with him?Getting mad because you ask for money to buy food....that's just going a bit far now.Those are his kids after all and he has just as much responsible for them as you do.In this case love would not be enough for me.....sounds to me like he doesn't even care about you at all.
• United States
3 Feb 07
well I think he cares about us. at least his boys but I do know he loves himself more. It is like money is his god. He does not even trust a bank to put his money in. He hides it in his truck and cuts the alarm on. Then parks it near our bed room window so he can hear the alarm if someone tries to get into it. My oldest son had to let my youngest son borrow the money to get his hair cut. I told him that we needed groceries and he said he would go get them because he hates the idea of even giving me money to buy groceries
• United States
3 Feb 07
Ummm... yeah not really what sounds like a great marriage. I agree with winky, not enough love for me to put up with this situation. Your kids are your life I am sure. And not only is your husband treating you unfairly he is definately not acting like a father. Come on, hiding his wallet? I am recently divorced and I do not think that you should have to "ask" your spouce for money. Not only that what happened to two people becoming one when you get married? Isn't it supposed to be that there is no my money your money in any long term relationship especially a marriage? I am very sorry for you and I hope that you realize that no one deserves to be treated the way that you are being treated. Not to be a jerk but take a stand for yourself and remind your husband of your marriage vows. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
yea you are right. I am going to comment on the end about what happened this monring.
@shomomo (850)
• Israel
3 Feb 07
It is enough. People say that relationships are more complicated than that but I believe in my heart that if you truly love someone that all you need.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
Love is not enough. You must also have commitment, sharing, trust, friendship, and mutual respect to name a few.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
Thanks
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
I think your husband forgot what marriage means. He should cough up the dough right now since you don't have a job. Try looking for another job too.
1 person likes this
@MAX1966 (1030)
• Netherlands
3 Feb 07
she is tying to get another job. but the husband really forgets what mariage is all about. he should take care of he and the kids!
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Feb 07
Thanks, yea I am trying to get a job