help! my nanny spanks my litle girl!

Philippines
February 8, 2007 6:35pm CST
last night, out of the blue, my 4-yr old girl told me that her nanny spanks and pinches her and she said it's when she's being bad. at first, i didn't believe her coz this girl of mine likes to fabricate stories. but my older boys insisted that what she's saying is true coz they've seen the incidents themselves. i felt sad and angry at the same time, i wanted to lash out at her for doing this. but i can't. you see, her grandma worked, and still does, for my husband's family for decades now and she has been very loyal to the family from the beginning. so, in a way, it's from a sense of gratefulness that we've agreed to take on this nanny so she'll have a means of income. now, what can i possibly do? i've told my daughter to just let her be and to avoid being "bad" at nanny. it just feels so wrong!
20 people like this
57 responses
@cutepenguin (6448)
• Canada
9 Feb 07
It feels wrong because it is wrong. And you need to explain to your daughter that this is not okay with you, and that you are dealing with it. This is a very uncomfortable situation for you. I hope you find a good way out of this.
4 people like this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
you're right. it is an extremely uncomfortable situation that i find myself in right now. i want to kick her out but i can't coz then, i won't have someone to watch my little girl in school. i'm teaching culinary arts and i can't possibly be with her everytime. and hired help is so much difficult to come by nowadays, i really, really can't afford to be vacant now. school will be out in march, so maybe by then, i can cope on my own. but till then, i have to suffer in silence. (my girl, too)
3 people like this
• United States
9 Feb 07
I am a nanny call me!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
lol! but you live so far away!
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
9 Feb 07
The relationship between your husband's family and the nanny with your daughter are unrelated. That loyalty that you have is misplaced. If you are not seeing bruising on the girl then there is no abuseive discipline, but you need to clarify what is allowed with your daughter and what is not. If youa re not comfortable setting limits with the nanny then you need to get rid of her. It makes no sense to allow someone to continue doing things against your wishes just because they have been around for a long time. Take control of your house hold and get rid of the woman if she's a problem.
• United States
9 Feb 07
I have to totally disagree with this. I lived with an abusive man for my entire adult life until a few years ago that was a master at hurting me without leaving marks. It is definitely possible to abuse without bruising.
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
that's why i had a hard time believing my daughter at first because i never saw any bruise or mark at all. the ones i did see were from mosquito bites. i just have a hard time telling people off. guess i'm just not assertive enough. i told my husband about this last night and he said, let me handle this. and he didn't. but i did take a small step just now, before i came back onlne. you see, the nanny's mother is also with us as a cook. i told her, as gently as i could, what my daughter told me. i said, i know my daughter can be a handful at times but please tell you daughter not to be physical. we live in a country where household helps are mostly from the provinces, in fact from the mountains and curses are predominant with this people. i fear that.
3 people like this
@patootie (3593)
9 Feb 07
Ohh for goodness sakes .. fears or no fears .. get shot of the lot of them ..just tell them you've gone bankrupt and can't pay .. they'll be packed up and gone before you can say goodbye .. dear oh lorrs what is the world coming to !!
2 people like this
@_hope_ (3906)
• Australia
9 Feb 07
this is classed as child abuse and you should not let it continue .talk to the nanny and see what she has to say but if it was my child regardless if there was a loyalty thing involved or not you should find another one this is not fair on your child and is in actually teaching your young child that this sort of behaviour is accectable
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
actually, this is not the first time that it has happened to my kids. in fact, all 3 kids have had nannies who hit them. i believe there's no decent nanny out there anymore, specially here coz most of them are uneducated. the reason why i kept her longer than the others is because, she'a a relative of a trusted help and so far, with all my jewekry lying around, nothing has been missing, unlike with the others. i know, i know, it's still wrong. my hubby and i are going to talk about this later when he comes home. maybe he'll have a clearer mind.
2 people like this
@willocfc (965)
• Australia
9 Feb 07
Theres should be no ifs or buts about it, your daughter should come first! the fact that you are telling your daughter to behave a certain way just to appease the nanny, is deplorable! Your child's welfare should be the only thing you take into consideration here!
4 people like this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
i know. and it's so frustrating, really. i just have to let go of work now so i can take over watching my girl specially in school.
2 people like this
9 Feb 07
So if your nanny injures your child again and its a lot worse than pinching or a spank will you still feel loyal to her because of family ties, or will you protect your child ? this could have gone on all through your family life with this nannie and no one until now has picked it up. Whats more important an old family nannie or your childs welfare. I say don't sit back do something NOW!!!
3 people like this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
okay, i will already.
1 person likes this
9 Feb 07
no way am i branding you an uncaring mum just please dont let it get out of hand. I speak from experience my grandson was put in hospital with injuries not from a nannie i have to say but it happens no matter who with bless you and all the best
2 people like this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
sorry, i'm regretting posting this already. i do know that my baby has been wronged and i am aware that the act should not go unpunished. but i do believe in 2nd chances, too. after all, she's just a young girl, maybe she doesn't know any better yet. my little girl has more understanding of human behavior than she has. i talked to my baby last nite,(she sleeps beside me every night) and i tried to gauge her reaction towards her nanny today, she's none the worse for the wear. but i'm keeping close watch. God knows how much i love my kids.
1 person likes this
@apky12 (775)
• United States
9 Feb 07
I think you need to sit down and talk to the nanny. Tell her that physical punishment is not tolerated in your household. Tell her if she thinks your child is acting out she needs to put her in timeout or whatever you do when she is acting out. That is not ok for your nanny to do that. She needs to know that her actions are not acceptable by you.
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
it sure isn't. and it's so frustrating specially when i think about how much we've tried to shield our children from the pains and the unfairness of this world, and yet, here's someone in your household who is actually doing it to them. thanks for your suggestion, though. i will do that.
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
thank you very much for this. i really appreciate the concern.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Feb 07
Just talk to nanny and tell her spanking is not acceptable in your home. She does need to inform you each day that she has a problem with your child. Maybe if child see that the nanny is letting you know and you and the nanny confront the child she will know she is in trouble from mama and daddy. Let nanny know type of punishments that you do use that she can put in place when she is there.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Feb 07
What? Why are you asking for help? I don't understand. Why would you not fire her immediately? If it were my child, it would make no difference who her grandmother works for or anything else. She is pinching your little girl! That's child abuse. I would never let anyone get away with doing that to my child. And this may hurt my star rating, but IMO you need to apologize to your daughter. She has been victimized. Telling her that it was because she was bad sends the WRONG message. She needs your support right now, not blame.
• United States
9 Feb 07
I agree if you feel that you need proof buy a nanny cam and find out for yourself. I'm not so sure I would wait for that, if you believe your children are telling the truth then that woman should be as far away from them as possible, don't hesitate, Do it. There is no excuse for child abuse, ever. Its just a bully who is insecure and ignorant, and definetly a danger to the victim, mentaly and phisicaly. This is not your daughters fault, it will be your fault if something happens to her, now that you know.
3 people like this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
yeah, i'm aware of that. i'm biding my time, actually. school will be out in a month's time and i won't need her anymore. and i'm sure, when she goes, the mother who works or us, too as our cook will also go.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Feb 07
in a month's time, your child could be severly hurt emotionally and/or physically. waiting is very irresponsible!
2 people like this
• United States
9 Feb 07
Oh no don't worry about how this nanny is going to feel you need to worry about how your daughter is feeling and how this will affect her for the rest of her life. Your daughter is only 4 how bad can she really be? As far as I am concerned she can not be bad enough to deserve this treatment at all. Even if her brothers had not verified this information I would not of questioned her as children at that age don't usually make up stories as they don't know how to. If they do it is usually something that they have seen or heard and just understood it wrong. Anyhow I would tell this nanny to hit the road and that you do not appreciate your child being mistreated in this way. I would not hesitate to let everyone know either. You are the one who is responsible for keeping your children safe and it sounds as if your daughter is not safe with this nanny. Hitting and pinching now but what will happen next if you don't take care of this?
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
easy for you to say. it really is so hard in our culture to tell people off. wish we were as aggressive and as brave as you.
2 people like this
@XxAngelxX (2831)
• Canada
9 Feb 07
I think you need to have a chat with nanny. If this is not the type of discipline methods you use on your child (and really who pinches their kids??) then you need to say something to her. I can understand your sense of loyalty to her and why you would feel uncomfortable but if it were me, there's no way I could be quiet about it. When it comes to my kids I expect their caregiver to treat them the same way I do and that certainly does not include spanking or pinching a four year old!
3 people like this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
right! and to think, we treat her right, includes her toiletries in our grocery budget without charging her for it, gave her a cellphone last christmas, and every now and then, i buy her new clothes and shoes. i can't unedrstand why she's still doing this to my daughter!
3 people like this
• United States
10 Feb 07
First off, I will state that there is probably a cultural difference between you and I, and to take my comments with that in mind. In my opinion, spanking is an acceptable means of discipline. That's the way I was raised and that's the way I'm rasing my kids. Spanking, however, is not beating, and is not the primary disciplinary measure, but rather more of a "third (or more) strike" method. And I always explain to my son what it is he's done and why it is he's getting a swat. And that's all it is is one swat. Pinching, however, is not discipline. That is abuse, pure and simple. My suggestion would be what several other people have said. Let the nanny know that you don't want her using spanking as a method of discipline. Let her know what is acceptable for disciplinary measures. My $0.02 at the moment.
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
i admire your open-mindedness, which is more than i can say for the people who have already lashed out at me. yes, indeed, culture is a big factor where this issue is concerned. i've talked to nanny already and we've cpme to an understanding. all is well now and i hope it stays this way. just for the record, i'm never far away from my kids. today is no school day and as i sit and type here, my kids are in my periphery of vision. i sit facing them in the living room where they are doing their thing.
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
9 Feb 07
A light swat on the hiney isn't harmful every now and then. I guess the question is what does your nanny consider being "bad"? Is it for normal 4 year old behavior? I'd sit the nanny down and have a serious talk about what your expectations are when it comes to the treatment of your kids. Some punishments are better dished out by the parents. Loyalty to her family is all fine, well and good, but the reality is that nothing should come before your family and treatment of your kids! If it feels wrong it's because it is, sorry if I offend you, that's just my take on it.
@Lavera1 (897)
• United States
10 Feb 07
That's my take on it Soccermom. But I told her to fire her. My children waited until they were grown, at least the second one did, berore she told me that my ex-sister-in-law had hit her when I'd let her spend the night with her.
1 person likes this
• Australia
9 Feb 07
Me, i know its probably not the right thing to do but i dont think i could stop myself from lashing out, not physically, because then you would be no better than her but id definatly give her a piece of my mind. A smack on the bum never killed anyone but pinching is a whole different story. That would make me mad. I give you credit though for controlling youself
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 07
I totally agree. I'd probably give the nanny a hard pinch to see how she liked it. I don't think a spanking is going to ruin a child's life, but the only people who should be making the decision about whether or not a child should be spanked are the parents.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
thank you melissa. you're kind! i waited till the next day to talk to her coz i know i'll be calmer. she's just a teenager, so she didn't know any better and she said she was sorry. we've come to some agreements, i'll give her a second chance and she knows what will happen the next time, if ever, she does it again.
@rainbow (6763)
9 Feb 07
Oh my goodness, what a situation to be in, this could cause soo much trouble, please think things through carefully before you act. First you must tell your husband about the incidents and it may be best to do this with the kids so they can explain to him whats happening, let him deal with his parents. When he is aware of the situation then you can talk to nanny about what is acceptable and explain that you have been told what is going on and that it cannot continue. She will of course deny this and if you have a written contact this may have go down as a warning, you may be in trouble if you just ask her to leave with no notice and need to check your legal position first. However if you do not trust this woman which I would have to press my kids to make sure it was the truth, and they realise how serious a fib at this point could be, I would try to find a replacement regardless of any family repercussions and give her notice to leave. Perhaps even pay her holiday pay during the notice period so she is not round your children.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
the legalities is also one of my concerns. i'm waiting for my husband to come home so we can talk about this. thank you very much for your input. i really appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@rainbow (6763)
9 Feb 07
I really wish you the best with this if you are still not happy - loose the nanny. I know it's arkward and maybe she pinched her back or something or they were palying but you need to get to the bottom of it and deal with this the best way for your kids.
@emarie (5450)
• United States
9 Feb 07
even though she's your nanny, they are your children and she is employed by you and your husband. i do agree that your daughter should avoid being bad, but what you should do is calmly take her aside when the children are asleep and talk to her about it. both of you should be on the same page with dicipline with the children. she should obey on how you want your own children to be diciplined. some mothers do give their nannys full authority of dicipline, but if you want another way, you have to tell her. set down some ground rules on punishment, and then write them down for everyone, including the children, to see. you can implament time outs and other methods that are effectful, especially for older children. i don't think she's bad, thats just how she was taught how to dicipline a child. everyone is different. its not abuse and i'm sure she loves and cares for your children as well. but if you do have a problem with the way she diciplines your children, you should tell her. in a nice way though so she doesn't feel bad.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
i have and i did it nicely, like you said coz she's only a child herself. she's remorseful and i think it was how she was disciplined, too, as a child. she just didn't know any better. some people here are just so full of hatred that they do not believe that there is still some good in each of us. yes, they're my children and she's only the nanny, but my kids have everything they want and she doesn't can you just see what she could be thinking, too? thank you for the moral support.
@atticus (1380)
• Italy
9 Feb 07
oh my god....anyway funny
1 person likes this
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
ha, ha, so far, even without saying anything at all, you are the only one who is not scolding me. i feel so bad as it is and now everyone's telling me, in not so many words, that i'm an uncaring mom. sigh!
2 people like this
@sexymuma (1261)
11 Feb 07
you do not need to feel guilty for having worries about how someone else is treating your child,and as for lolalty,should you not have this for your child first,also what we may see as a bored child,your nanny may see as a bad child,also ask your boys what it is that your daughter has done to punished,so that you have an idea of what she has done wrong,then correct your nanny in the way that she is treating your child,just has worked for your husbands family for a long time and is a very nice person does not mean that her relative is a nice person,lolxx
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
11 Feb 07
"but i can't. you see, her grandma worked, and still does, for my husband's family for decades now and she has been very loyal to the family from the beginning. so, in a way, it's from a sense of gratefulness that we've agreed to take on this nanny so she'll have a means of income" BULL! You most certainly CAN say something and you should...I'm sorry but who she is to the family and how she came to be a part of the group so to speak is IRRELIVENT! she's PINCHING and spanking your daughter!! IMO that is COMPLETELY unacceptable and you shouldnt not sayin anything out of loyalties or anything of the sort..what about the loyalty to your child?? surely that over-rides the nanny!!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 07
There is no amount of loyalty that would allow me to have a person that puts their hands on my child. Now, that is your personal choice, but I feel strongly about that. BE careful I just hope it doesn't lead to anything else.
1 person likes this
@Lavera1 (897)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Who's your concern for, your nanny's grandman and the nanny or is your child your main concern and her safety. If you haven't given the nanny your consent to give corporal punishment to your child then you should step in and fire your nanny. Some people hit and punish children too severely. And if your child gets harmed because of her you could be charged with not protecting her (your child) and you could lose her. Consider where your priorities are. Are are you one of those women who has low self esteem and let others walk all over you and your family? You'd better think about it!
• United States
9 Feb 07
I wouldn't care who she is related to, I would not allow a nanny to spank and pinch my child. That is wrong. I think you should seriously consider finding someone else to watch your children. You don't want to confront her about this, because she may take it out on your daughter by hurting her even more.
1 person likes this