February 10, 2007 10:30am CST
It seems I have the WORST luck with men! Most of the time the guys are abusive in one way or another. Then there are the few that are really good to me and I'm afraid to open up to them. I hold back for so long, afraid I am going to get hurt, and then when I am finally ready to open myself up and allow myself to truely love them...I GET HURT! Is this a common problem? What is there to do about it. I know I've built a wall around me. I'm asking because I have been seperated from my "husband" for over 3 years and we are finally going to get a divorce, should be final on 2/20 and I will be free to date again. The very thought of it scares the heck out of me! Toni
• United States
10 Feb 07
Hi Toni, I've been buliding walls since I first learned how to speak, it takes a while to learn how to knock them down. It does no good to beat up on yourself, remember, this is a fresh new start for you. This is your chance to let go out past mistakes and the fears that have held you back. Don't let yourself believe that all the mistakes were yours, it takes two to fall in love and two to destroy that love. My father beat my mother, one of her boyfriends was a verbally abusvive drunk ... So, I've seen my share of abuse and how it can make someone feel as if they were pathetic and not worth loving, don't believe the lies Toni, you are wonderful. Before you look for love again, take some time to find yourself. By the way, sometimes a wall is a good things, it keeps the good and the bad out. When the right man comes along, you'll know it, and then you won't be afraid to let the wall down for him.
• United States
10 Feb 07
I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. The good news is that part of the solution to any problem is awareness. As someone else suggested, it might be wise to "take a break" and spend a little time taking inventory of YOURSELF, independently of anyone around you. My personal observations are that many of the bad patterns we get into happen not so much by accident, but because we are choosing "the familiar." Some people learn their relationship patterns from their family-of-origin, others from their own relationships as adolescents. Most of the time (sadly), we're trying to fill some vacant space with another person, where the issue is really our own. Examine what it means when you have a pattern with abusive men. What do they have in common? Patterns aren't always obvious... maybe you're drawn to "assertive go-getters" who actually turn out to be bullies. What we're drawn to isn't necessarily what's best for us. Conversely, if the men you perceive to be "nice guys" are boring, what is the common thread that MAKES them boring? In any case, I do hope you decide to take a break from relationships-- it may help you strike out in a fresh direction.