DO I Stay or Do I Go? Truly need advice
By moonmagick
@moonmagick (1458)
United States
February 10, 2007 10:56am CST
I am looking for advice from people who have truly "been there and done that." My husband and I are having some major problems. We have been married just over a year and a half now. Things were great in the beginning, and now they are quite rocky. He tends to have these immature temper tantrums and threaten to leave when things aren't going the way he would like for them to. Yesterday he had one of these and actually packed up his stuff and left. I am personally tired of putting myself down just to make him happy and let him, without saying a word. He of course was just trying to prove a point and returned withing twenty minutes, feeling really stupid because he then had to carry all of his stuff back in and unpack it. For example yesterdays fight stemmed from me saying that I was going to take the dogs out for a quick run, could he please listen to make sure the baby didn't wake up. He took it as a personal attack, and assumed I meant he should be taking the dogs out. When really all I was saying is, the baby will be up soon, please listen for him. He does this alot. He takes the defensive on most topics. I just honestly feel worn out. I get so tired of tiptoing around in my own home so I don't set off another temper tantrum from him. He is 33 years old. He is always telling me not to mother him, but then turns around and throws a fit if I don't cater to him.
He is also moody. There are times I have found myself wondering if he isn't just a little bi-polar.
I recently found out he has been doing pot the whole time I have known him. (He lied about that too, because I asked him point blank once when I thought I smelled it, and he yelled at me for accusing him). I know that a lot of people think its ok, and they use it regularly, etc. I am not one of those people. I fully agree, to each his own, its just not something I am into. I wouldn't date or marry a guy who was a tobacco smoker either, that is just a preference I have. First of all, I am very hurt by being lied to all of this time, and especially by the being 'attacked' when I did ask. Second of all if he lied about that, what else did he lie to me about? He tends to be a very "secretive" person. When you ask him a question, he again gets on the defensive and wants to know why I am so nosy. Personally I don't think, "what'd you do at keiths?" is particularly nosy. Its simply a wife asking her husband how things went, etc. I mean he will ask me "where did you and sue go today?" but according to him that is different, he is just curious how my day went.
Anyway, when I found out about the pot, completely on accident, he went into this big long speech about how he has so much stress and can't cope and that is his way of dealing with it, but he wants me to help him get off it, etc etc etc. This was about a month ago. He went to the doctor and the doctor says he is depressed and put him on antidepressants. which seemed to be helping the mood swings a bit. Then gave him xanax to deal with the anxiety. I think he is getting hooked on those, but that is another story.
Anyway, yesterday he informed me that he is going back on the pot, and I have no say in it. I told him that I don't want my baby around that. I absolutely will not leave the baby alone with him when he fully intends to get high. I personally just don't think you are as aware of everything when you are on that stuff, and I am not risking my babies life because my husband is a "grown man who can handle himself" as he puts it.
I asked him to give the meds a chance before jumping back on the stuff. He just said he is tired of talking, etc.
I guess what my long rambling thing is all about, is: Do I stay or do I go?
I love him, I want him to be part of our sons life, but the emotional rollercoaster and turmoil is just so much. I feel like I deserve to be happy too. But I dont feel like I am or will be any time soon, because my entire life is trying to make him happy. And honestly, I dont feel like he respects me at all. I just dont know what to do. I am so sick of crying. Its not solving anything. I know in my head, he is never gonna change, but in my heart I really dont want to fail another marriage, or take my sons father away from him.
19 people like this
45 responses
@jerinm (219)
• India
10 Feb 07
I dont know whether am old enough to comment, but don't you think you have the answer to your question in this longgg conversation? I'm still more of a kid, so beleive me when i say, i would not want a daddy who's doing the kinda things that he's supposed to tell me to stay off. And moreover , about you, i think everybody deserves a chance to be happy. I can say this nthat n go on...but u hve to mke the decision..not me. Hope you are happier soon:) Take care...
5 people like this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you. I know you are right. Its just really hard.
2 people like this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
12 Feb 07
I just wanted to post an update and let everyone know what is happening with the situation. I spent the weekend at my sisters house to try to give myself and my husband some breathing room. I thought we had reached and agreement that he would at least for the time being not do the stuff around me or my child with the understanding that I wanted counseling and he would eventually get off of it. I came home tonight and he was high. It doesn't look good on the front of working things out. I really want to thank everyone for their honest answers and support. It means a lot to me
2 people like this
@winky73 (1404)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Ive been through something very similar.My soon to be ex-husband and I had a lot of problems very early in our marriage but I decided to stay and try to make things work.....that was nearly 13 years ago.The best advice I can give you is...that if both of you are not 100% committed to make this work....it never will work.You need to sit down with him and have a long talk about everything...let him know where you stand and listen to what he has to say without attacking each other.It is still very early in your marriage and you can learn how to adjust to each other.Even though my marriage ended after 13 years...I still don't look at it as wasted time.It was something I felt worth fighting for and I did everything I could to make it work.....but sometimes two people are better off without each other.Try some counseling....together or seperate...it doesn't matter....but that should help you get a clearer picture and make your decison a bit easier.
I wish you the best of luck with which ever you decide to do.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you. I think we could work it out if the pot wasn't more important to him than me or his son. But he just flat told me that he isn't giving it up for anyone. So I guess that most likely answers my question
4 people like this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Do not let the number of times you have ended a marriage before, stop you from ending this one. You thought you were marrygin someone else and not the fellow who youa re with now. When you go to court and they start talkingabout custody, be sure you tell them about the pot use and other items that address his mental state. This way you can be certain that his behaviour is on record with the courts, which should make him thnk twice about causing problems for you later on.
Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be married to them. If you still want him in your life you have the baby in common. Your son doesn't need this fellow as his example of manhood. He will do just fine without him.
3 people like this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
12 Feb 07
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know that I must put my baby first. I spent the majority of the weekend at my sisters house a couple hours away. I wanted to try to put some distance and cleat my head. I came home today hoping to sit down and talk. When I got here, he was high. I am thinking that most likely that says it all.
1 person likes this
@fieryeyedwriter (614)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Have you ever heard the saying "it's hard to leave, and harder to stay?" This is exactly what it pertains to. There are times when things get so rough that it is ultimately harder to stay than it is to leave. To me, that is what it all boils down to. I think every person has a line that has to be crossed to be truly ready to leave. If you have not crossed that line yet, then you aren't ready to leave. The question is, would it be harder for you to leave than it would be for you to stay?
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
11 Feb 07
I hadnt heard that saying, but thank you for putting it into that perspective for me. I hadnt really looked at it that simply or cut and dried. It is definately something to consider. I am at my sisters for a couple of days. I think some breathing room and a clear head will help me to sort things out.
@joyderful1 (94)
• Singapore
11 Feb 07
He is in denial of his feelings, old wounds surfacing that he quickly covers up with pot, mood swings, etc...
Nothing you do to make him happy will make him happy. Sorry to say that, you'd rather keep your sanity while you still have it. He will always have his reasons to deny you an appropriate level of trust in a marriage, but he doesnt know that, and for you, that hurts. No point telling him this is what is happening to you, bc he will again have his reasons for his behaviors.
You need to stay apart from him for a time if his smoking pot is a bad influence on the baby. He needs to get some therapy, whether in a church or professional counselor. He could also attend support groups (any kind will do for now , since the material most support groups use is from the AA's 12-steps).
There are some things not within your control (his smoking pot...)to stop, but you can give him a warning about the smoking (you and the baby leaving him for a time, until he goes into therapy, support groups). You need to be firm bc he will have his reasons again to deny the real problem. There must be someone in church you can talk to, who can involve himself to help your husband get help. No more excuses, make the appointment and see that he goes.
My guess is that there will be a lot of 'running' away from the real issues, excuses to miss appointments etc...
I wish you all the best. You need to be strong. I hope you know to do the things that will keep you that way, while 'supporting' your husband's healing.
2 people like this
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
10 Feb 07
There is not a lot I can add to QueenKaren's comment, which is excellent.
Always remember that what you're dealing with is his OPINION, but just because he says something about you doesn't make it a FACT.
If you feel up to it, I would suggest finding some counseling for YOU, not because something is "wrong" with you, but because having the unbiased opinion of a mental health professional will be able to offer you a frame of reference on your situation that you can't objectively get from inside it.
Also, if you want to do a little learning on your own, check to see if your library has a copy of "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum, which may be helpful in sorting our your situation.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you. I was thinking of getting some counseling for me. I feel like I have lost myself. I dont have any self esteem anymore. My entire life revolves around taking care of him and the baby and the dogs and the house. Yesterday he had the audacity to tell me he needs it because I dont keep the house as clean as he would like and I dont wear makeup anymore. I am a stay at home mom of a 5 month old with acid reflux. Excuse me if I dont feel like wearing my good clothes and doing my hair to be thrown up on all day. As far as the house goes, it is clean. until he leaves dirty socks laying around, or cups half full of whatever he was drinking, etc. I know in my head these are excuses from him. And he will use anything to put the blame off. Sorry, rambling again. but you are right. I need some counseling. Thanks again
3 people like this
@Wayne29 (6)
• United States
10 Feb 07
If you wanna response from a man's point of view, here's what i think. It honestly sounds to me like he has a major problem with being as insecure as he is. Most men are more insecure about things than they would like to admit. Maybe in fact he's unhappy and is trying to give you ultimatum's so that you will have to decide and he doesn't have to feel guilty or take the blame if the marriage ends. I can tell you this I myself have been married for 6 years and the first five I took advantage of the love my wife showed for me and was constantly gone doing things i liked to do, leaving her at home with a pretty empty feeling i'm sure. The good thing is that i saw the light and things are better now than they have ever been. I had to show my wife just exactly i cared for our marriage. I hate to give advice but if he can't do the same for you then maybe your better off without him. There is someone out there if he doesn't that will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Good luck and God bless.
@LovingIt (5396)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Having been there and done that, my first reaction is to say go and go NOW!! I've been through this not once, but twice. You are the only one that can make that decision, however and you have someone else to consider -- your child. He will be awarded visitation and you have to consider whether he will give proper care to the child when you are not around. Do you think he will even exercise his visitation priveldges to start with? I was lucky in that my child's dad didn't want them, so that wasn't a factor.
I will say that it's obvious that your husband has things he is hiding and I'd be willing to bet there is more than you've already uncovered.
2 people like this
@tendaheart2002 (495)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Fisrt of all I am so sorry that you are going through that. It is never easy, it is kind of crazy hearing your story because mine was so similar. Asking whether to stay or go, is a hard one. and honestly you have to look deep inside yourself and figure out what is best for you. I stayed in a verbally abusive relationship for 4 years. I kept hoping he would change, wanted to help, but I knew that he could only do what he wanted to. I found out that he was smoking pot after we had been together for over a year. An it changed how I felt. I couldn't trust him anymore. You say that you don't want to take your childs father away. You are not doing that. If he is getting high he is taking himself away. There is no way he can be there for your son like he should in he smokes that stuff. And I felt like it was a respect issue, how can you respect me and love me if you lie to me and do things that you know I don't agree with? On the other hand if you gets offensive when you ask how his day was or about what he was doing, this is a means for major concern. When I would ask he would always get defensive and say stuff like "so what you don't trust me". I later found out that I should not have been trusting him at all. It is true when they say if someone is accusing you they are probably guilty themselves. And if he would lie about smoking pot he will lie about much smaller things as well. You have to do what is right for you and your child. You and your child deserve to be in a safe and nurturing environment. If he does not csre enough to provide that environment you might want to consider what needs to happen in your life. But one thing that I know for sure is : DON'T STAY THINKING THAT YOU CAN CHANGE HIM!!!!!! HE IS THE WAY HE IS AND YOU EITHER HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT OR MOVE ON!!! Don't think you are suppose to be miserable just to make someone else happy. Good luck, I wish you all the best. I left, and it was the best thing for me. You have to decide what is the best thing for you and your baby. whatever choice you make, make sure it is a choice you can live with.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Thank you so much for you honesty. I know in my head that I need to go. It is just so hard. I am staying at my sisters for a while with the baby. I am hoping that helps to get my head straight.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Thank you so much for you honesty. I know in my head that I need to go. It is just so hard. I am staying at my sisters for a while with the baby. I am hoping that helps to get my head straight.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
23 Feb 07
Ok Moon as I said previous I have been there the only thing he didn't do is smoke Pot, so my Advise to you is, do not wait 21 years like I did. And yes my Ex got several chances but he just would not change and the rest I told you in the other Discussion
I really hope you do the right thing.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
24 Feb 07
Thank you for your insight. I truly appreciate it. He has since agreed to go to marriage counseling. Maybe it is a start, we will see.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
26 Feb 07
I plan on using my head. More than anything at this point I want him to go to counseling to become a better person for our son whether the relationship works out or not.
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
10 Feb 07
I know that this is a very hard thing to have to deal with and I am sorry that you are having to go through this with a baby. I would sit down with your husband and tell him how you are feeling and tell him how you feel about him lying to you. He is just making excuses for his pot use and needs to realise that his use of this has nothing to do with you or how you keep house or how you look. If he is not willing to give these things up for you and his baby and you are really against them then you need to decide if you want to put up with it or not. If you can not come to an agreement or he is not willing to change then I think that you know what you must do for you and your child. No way should you stay with someone who is treating you this way but if it can be fixed then try that first. I also think that if anyone needs counseling here it is not you it is your husband.
1 person likes this
@dragonflyfli (5528)
• United States
10 Feb 07
from experience i know that sitting down adn talking to the person with the problem does not help. They willl not listen and they will not let you talk. I have tried this myself and it only makes me more frusterated because i have tried so hard and nothing has gone throught that thick head of his. so that is bad advice. Actions speak louder than words and i die by that statement. it is very true.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you. This is a very rough decision. And one I know I must make on my own. I just feel so beat down right now that I cant think straight or cope with much of anything.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you. I know he needs counseling, but I dont know if I can get him to go. I am trying so hard to hold this marriage together, and I am just so tired. I love my son more than anything and I want what is best for him. He adores his daddy and I am afraid he will resent me for taking him away. I am also scared. I gave up a great job to stay at home with the baby. I dont know if I will be able to find something to completely support my baby and myself. I truly love my husband, but what he is doing is killing me inside. I ask myself if he truly cares about me and our son. He says he does, but his actions certainly say differently. I am just at a loss right now.
1 person likes this
@honey2028 (48)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
In a marriage there's what you call the trial years and your only 1 and half year together,its a getting to know stage.Things are really like that at 1st to 7 years of marriage.Two people with different life,attitude saddenly will live a the same roof.Its really difficult to understand its other feeling but believe me things will work out fine.if you really love your husband and live with him for the rest of your life and you want your child to have a perfect life,try to talk to your husband about what you feel and tell him that you want your relationship to work.Set a dinner date and tell him what you feel.For me if you love him so much there should be a respect on each other feeling.If there is no respect at all,you can't feel the love anymore.
2 people like this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
11 Feb 07
And that is where I fear things are going. Everyday I feel as if he is killing a little bit more of my love for him.
@mfpsassy (2827)
• United States
10 Feb 07
I have "been there and done that" my ex-husband eventually added physical violence to the list and blamed it on the pot. it's time for you to go. Focus on yourself and your son and you will find someone who will truely love both of you.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you. He has never hit me, but when he gets into his violent screaming moods I often fear it. I think you are right, I should focus on my son and myself and quit worrying about my husband.
@Anakata2007 (1785)
• Canada
10 Feb 07
I'm so sorry for that. How stressful! And especially with a young son. Your husband sounds just like an old boyfriend of mine. He smoked pot (and drank tons of caffeine) and had bad mood swings and was very oversensitive and emotional. He sometimes got made when I came home from work and asked him "How was your day?" because he thought I was insinuating that he did nothing all day and was lazy?!?!!?!??? We ended up breaking up and it was the worse relatinship I'v ever had. In your case though, you are married and you have a child. I think you need to give it a bit longer before making the plans to leave him. I think you need to sit him down, or write him a letter and tell him, youre not happy, and youre thinking maybe he should leave, but that you want to give it a chance. I think you need to make an appointment with a marriage counselor, and at least try to give it 6 more months. It sounds like yorue pretty frustrated though and I woudln't be surprised if your husband threw a temper tantrum when you toughen up on him and that you end the relatinship, but please at least try all you can. If he still doesnt' come around, then you shoudl leave I think. Although I don't believe in divorce, I also don't believe that you need to spendn your life with a man that you are very unhappy with. I also think that the earlier you leave him, the better for your son, who won't have memories of living with his dad.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you for your advice. I honestly hope that the thought of losing me and his son will be enough for him to get his priorities straight. But I fear that it won't.
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
10 Feb 07
Thank you for your advice. I honestly hope that the thought of losing me and his son will be enough for him to get his priorities straight. But I fear that it won't.
@Anakata2007 (1785)
• Canada
10 Feb 07
I forgot to mention the pot thing. There is no way you can change his pot habits. I totally unerstand about not wanting to leave your baby alone with him when he's high. This is another stressor for you. Lets just say this is a big black mark on him, and he needs to do his own work to keep the marriage together. You cannot do everything. You can't make him change, but he has to realize that if he doesnt' change, he is really going to lose you and his son.
1 person likes this
@gogy1979 (241)
• India
11 Feb 07
i would personally recomend you to quit with him.
Why to take such relationships which make you think that here is no personal life of yours. This is a relation , not a hanging bag that you will have to carry throughout your life !
So , you get rid of all the boundages and enjoy your personal life .
2 people like this
@joshua_77 (612)
• India
11 Feb 07
Hi well,
My personal advice to you is pray well dont go with your own way Pray to God and take one day for fasting & Prayer brings good solution to you.
Regards
@dadasupreme (40)
• Malta
11 Feb 07
I do not wish to answer your shold I stay or should I go dilemma. Just wanted to let you know that the first 2 years are the worst in a marriage becuase you would need to get used to each other and appropriate habits and house rules. See if you can stick it for a while longer maybe things will get better.
1 person likes this
@coffebing (252)
• Malaysia
11 Feb 07
I am just 17 turning 18 this year.I doesn't know much about marriage.But,one thing for sure, marriage is for happiness.I don't know what to advise.If you still love him, try to talk to him.For your son's future, take him away when his daddy smokes.Its hard to have a perfect marriage.
1 person likes this
@moonmagick (1458)
• United States
12 Feb 07
Thank you. I asked him to respect me and our son enough to not be high around us. But less than 24 hours later, he is. I think that speaks volumes
@sherifff33 (355)
• Al Mansurah, Egypt
11 Feb 07
1.5 years is not Enough to take your dession , i think you must stay anther one year to know , i hope you be happy with you marrage life
1 person likes this
@lonsum_dove (4)
• Kuwait
11 Feb 07
Dear moonmagick,i would like to say when you got married it dosn't mean that you have to let go of your life,you are a woman and you have your needs,if he can't give you what you want you better let him know, if he can't understand GOD gave us the right of making our own choices in life nothing could hold you back from having your right,it's acontract and contratct can be desolved this is marrige it's only a contract of two parties not one.
@country45_99 (160)
• United States
11 Feb 07
im sorry to hear your having problems.maybe you need him to get checked for bi-polar?thats how they act we they have it.it can be controlled with meds.hope things get better for your an baby sake.god bless
1 person likes this
