Are other families like mine?

Some people will tell you that "blood is thicker than water" but that is not true as far as I am concerned. My darling late father used to say "just because you are related doesn't mean that you have to like each other. But when you meet each other, you will be polite and then go to separate corners but so not come out of the corner fighting". That sums it up as far as I am concerned and I really believe that we have any obligations to our family if they do not treat us decently. If you think about it, I am sure that you will find that you are closer to some of your friends than you are to your own extended family. I certainly know that I am and my special friends know more about me than my siblings etc but that doesn't worry me. I do have to add here that when my husband and I married, we considered that we were a family unit, and once our son arrived that unit extended to include him. Our siblings, parents, cousins, grandparents etc were considered extended family. A fact that they probably didn't appreciate but that is how we felt about it. Yes you probably do feel sad that your grandmother is sick and has cancer, but is that the feeling you would have if you heard that someone else you knew had the same medical conditions or something different? It is hard to know that you are not one of the "favoured ones", particularly when it comes to grandparents. At this point I am not a grandparent, but I am of the age where I could be - son had better get a move on or I will be too old to enjoy the grandchildren. LOL However we do have friends with young children and over the years we have seen the same sort of thing happening. These are lovely people but because the husband's family do not approve of his wife, they do nothing for those grandchildren. Similarly, her mother thinks that her daughter and s-i-l have enough money to get what they want, so she gives to the other daughter's children. Oh and this couple recently celebrated 20 years marriage. So, for years we started spending time with these children, all of whom are growing up now of course. We would take them on picnics, to the movies, fishing, spend time playing games with them etc. We were always the ones invited to their school and sports functions and one day one of the grandmothers challenged me about this. I told her that I knew I was not the grandparent but it seemed to me that we were the only ones taking an interest in their grandchildren. Guess what happened, now the grandparents make a little bit of time for the grandchildren but sadly they have left it too late. The grandchildren really don't want to have much to do with them. I suspect that you are somewhat in the same position Shaun, and I cannot tell you what to do. However I will suggest that if you feel you want to talk to your grandmother, you should do so. It might be that she rejects you and you will once again be hurt, but that is HER loss, not yours. She is the one who will suffer in the long term, because she will have the pleasure of seeing your children grow and develop. You will know that you do not find her behaviour acceptable and at the same time you can honestly say to both of your parents what has happened. Can you cut the ties though and can you put the hurt behind you? What you need is peace of mind, and it is either that you just forget all the hurt and get on with life or you forgive your grandmother. Forgiving her does not mean you forget what has happened, nor does it mean that you have to spend time with her in the future, but is will give you the peace you need. How do I know? I have been in a similar situation but that was with my birth mother and siblings for something that several of them collectively did. So, after much trauma and counselling I did forgive them and told them that. That was also the last time I spoke to them as well but I am completely at peace with what I decided was best for me. I wish you all the best in the world Shaun and fully understand the anguish you are feeling but only you can choose whether to accept the past hurts or whether they are just too much to forgive.

I do know how that goes. My one grandmother never really wanted to be around us. She didn't want to be a grandmother. She'd had my father when she was a teen and often told others he was younger then he was so no one would know. Having grandkids didn't fit well in her life. So she had a tendency to ignore us whenever possible. We'd get a box of things at Christmas but other then that we never heard or saw her. She'd do more with my cousins and Aunts who were younger then my father. They were more the age group she could accept.

My ex-inlaws treated my children differently too. They would invite my youngest daughter to go with them and leave out my daughter who was a bit on the chubby side. They said that they got along better with my younger one. I flipped! I said "If you treated my older daughter the same as you did my younger daughter, there wouldn't be a problem with getting along with her." I told them that if they couldn't take both, they would take neither. Even when they took both girls, my oldest would come home feeling sad because they treated the youngest like a princess and she would be treated like one of her maids in waiting.

I know how painful you feel because the way your grand mother treat your family. But now that she's sick, please show your care and love to her. DOn't look for what she did wrong to you and to your family, the important is, learn to forgive and serve them.

That's a shame when granparents play favorites like that. There was a degree of that within my family, too, but I didn't fare too badly out of it all. I didn't really like the ones who didn't like me much, but my cousins were all green with envy that I was the only one our grandfather would allow to touch his jigsaw. I thought it was hilarious and could see where my grandpa was coming from, as I also thought they would cut their fingers off and was happy to take his side.