February 11, 2007 1:06pm CST
my fiancee is staying in a hotel. he doesn't want to put up with certain habits of mine, and thinks i'll be better off without him. he hasn't told me yes or no about trying to work it out. what do i do? give him time, even though it's killing me? even though he's the type of person that when i DON'T come and talk to him during an arguement, he thinks I don't care? we've talked on the phone once and he hung up on me. I have a suggestion of how we can reduce my "habits" that he doesn't like (belittling his job and griping) and how to reduce what he does to cause me to want to gripe (money): a roommate. I left it in a note for the next time he comes here to pick some of his stuff up. From guy's POV, does this sound like he is just ready to be left alone from me? It's day 3, last night was the second in a row he didn't come home. Or does he just need time to think it through? I am so lost without him. I thought life was frustrating with him, but now there's just nothing to feel anything about.
12 Feb 07
if you still want to work things out with him inspite of the fact that you get annoyed by his ways then i would suggest that you psyche him out by doing what he is doing to you now, do not call him,give him also the silent treatment and you will see what i mean. his ego is inflated because he knows you will be crawling to him.what if he is your husband already, living together in one roof forever, can you live him? sorry to be so direct about this because a lot of women fal into this trap that us men employ to make us feel superior.
12 Feb 07
1)When you need to gripe, go to a quiet place, perhaps in the woods, and just let it out there. Do whatever you need to do, write about it, then tear it up or burn it, etc... but leave it out there. People who are abused shouldn't be doing this, bc they need to confront their abuses; you're not being abused, rather, you need to put aside old defences for now... 2)Self affirm to remain cheeful, at least for some of the time. Paste accurate praises about yourself (not egoistic) all over your home so you see and repeat them daily. 3)Make a list of the issues you want to discuss with him (not bash him up with). Here are some headings: things impt to me, things impt to him, things he doesn't think is impt, things we both could arrive at some discussion about, etc... then, when you're done with that list, make another one, one he sees, with new or the same headings, so that he just might be positive to sit down and discuss with you (again, not pout over or bash/gripe about). 4)Always use "I" statement. Never say, "You always ....!" Say how you feel, for eg, about sitting down to discuss things..."I like it when we sit down to discuss mutual things impt to us ... I'm aware of some of my unpleasant behavior, I will try to reduce it and I hope you'll help me by not reacting bc this is more about me than it is about you ..." 5)When you have both sat down to discuss some of the things on the list, be patient. Success in 1 issue is better than trying to finish talking about all the issues. It's an exercise to communicate in an adult manner, few of us have the privilege or time to do so, but it is worth all the money you can make! This is a solid foundation to build all relationships, and i am still learning how to do it with my partner. 6)When success is found in resolving 1 issue, stop there and reward yourself and him. Go for dinner or a drink. Enjoy the time, don't bring up the issues again in that time. A reward is to be enjoyed. But do ask for later discussions to be opened re the list again, at appropriate times convenient to both. :)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I fear he isn't the calm "let's talk it out" type. He is predispositioned for blowing it out of proportion, his ma and I have spoken over the weekend and she actually shed some light on what she's experienced that he of course grew up with that could cause him to be acting this way... I just really hope he realizes our relationship is worth more than whatever learned response he is addicted to... and I hope I can overcome my money worries... but if not, I think I've already had the worst bout of, well, "withdrawal" I guess you could call it, because this past weekend was awful being alone. But if we can't overcome our differences then I guess it wasn't meant to be, but I truly believe he'll be my greatest love no matter what happens. It's just that first love, you experience everything new with them, very hard to get over and try to move on from.
15 Feb 07
I suggest you find friendships outside (how secure are you to find even male friends who can allow you to share on an intellectual level without the complications?). If you intend to stay, you are going to have to accept he is not going to want to talk, much less share his feelings. But you could continue to find outside friendships which he must be able to see that you're not doing any hankypanky on but just so you satisfy that part of you that likes a good intellectual discussion.
11 Feb 07
Well i can not really see why your finacee it taking this so far i dont really think it deserves leaving you and staying in a hotel, however if he is that distressed about this subject you could maybe try and reduce your habit, they do say habits are meant to be broken