When will the pain stop?

United States
February 12, 2007 12:24am CST
Sometimes things get so confusing and all you can detect is the feeling of pain you have day in and day out. It gets to the point that there seems to be no relief in sight. Nothing makes you happy. Though you have your loved ones they seem miles away. Nothing you do brings that connection to make you feel alive again. Everything seems dark even the magnificent light of the sun seems to pass over you. Everything seems so glum until you get to the point that you just feel numb inside. You seem to merely exist and it gets to the point where it seems that you are just using up air that somone else could use. Things seem to spiral out of hand and you seem to have no control over the happenings around you. Then you begin to feel atleast if you dispose of yourself you can relieve the pain of others with whatever insurance you manage to arrange, in case of your untimely demise. Next you start pondering the best way to alleviate your nonexistence so that your loved ones will atleast be comforted by the tedius some of your policy. If you find yourself feeling this way then STOP RIGHT THERE. I'm here to tell you I've been there. I remember a time when I would pray for my life to be over. I would ask the Lord to take my life but when it seemed even he was oblivious to the pain I was in I began planning my own demise and after numerous failed attempts I began to realize I couldn't even succeed at the simple task of taking my own life. Once I tried to jump over a bridge with an underpass with the hope that someone would run over the remnants of my body incase the fall didn't kill me and as I put the last leg up over the ledge, a man that I watched get on the bus grabbed me an foiled that attempt. There was another time I took an overdose of pills and woke up after getting my stomach pumped in the hospital. Then there was the time I slit my wrist only to wake up bandaged and medicated. I finally succombed to the fact that this was a phase I had to endure. I was prescribed Prozac and after the first dose the sun began to shine and the trees looked lovely draped in their seasonal green leaves and the sky was a lovely blue with big beautiful clouds and colors now had life. After about a month on that I began to not be able to control myself when I got angry and would sit up all night with the craziest expression until my husband began to sleep with one eye open for fear I would attack him in his sleep and then I began to ween myself down by one pill at a time until I didn't need the medication anymore. It helped me quite a bit but also let me know that I now understood the postal killings. After 3 years of therapy and a jail sentence for a crime I committed after during a nervous breakdown I'm here to tell you. What I thought was impossible has happened. I am very, very, very happy to be alive. Even after the 13 cancer surgeries and the death of my mother and father and sister I treasure each moment of everyday. I lost my job and started my own business. Even as I write this article my cable and internet and telephone are on their way to being cut off. I am struggling to feed my family but my business is finally coming together and though I may not see the money for a little while I am perfectly at peace and know that all will be well. There is life after lifelessness and I am glad to be a part of it. I will be receiving a salary in a few weeks on a regular basis and though I don't wish to endure the next couple of weeks I relish the thought of being paid for my services through my own company and I say to you keep your head up. For whom much is kept, much is expected and the evil forces know that. This is why they play with our minds because we are destined for greatness. So hold on and press on and move on there is a refreshing spring just around the bend and you will be happy you stuck around to drink the waters of success.
2 people like this
3 responses
@Avichail (694)
• Indonesia
2 Mar 07
Dear LadyMooreSabb, The Lord has surely turned your mourning into dancing! He has turned your pain into blessings for you and other people here. He has given you such enlightenment to see things through His eyes now instead of this world's. You are the living proof of God's neverending love. It's truly a blessing! People who have gone through their darkest times in life and come out alive by God's mighty hand will be the best candidate to help others going through the similar dark tunnels. They know how to reach the hurt ones and to speak their language. That is what you are now...=) It has been a few weeks since this post and I hope you have now received your earnings. But even if you have not, we know that the Lord will provide somehow...=) Please keep sharing, I believe it will bring many smiles to those who are teary right now. Thank God for you here in myLot...
@lonewolfnan (4367)
• Canada
16 Feb 07
WOW!!I sure feel better after reading this.You have a great ability to express yourself and to motivate others around you!!The courage (and encouragement) you have shown is a great lesson for all of us to never give up.
• United States
12 Feb 07
Wow! You have been through a great deal in your life! Thanks so much for sharing and for giving positive thoughts to others. I'm sure that you will be able to help many people make it through the rough times. It is a wonderful thing that you were able to rise above and make it through - and are still dealing with the negative with positive thoughts. Best of luck and good wishes to you! Keep your head up and keep working for your dreams.