Am I too SUSPICIOUS?

United States
February 14, 2007 1:50am CST
Now, tell me, how you would feel in my situation. I have been mulling over this issue for the last few weeks, and today, it has really reached the boiling point. I made a new friend recently. She is the wife of my hubby's friend. Now, the guy seems like a very nice person, and she did too...at least I figured she must be, since she is married to him. Well, anyway, lately she has started calling me a lot, at home. And always asking personal questions and stuff. I thought that it was normal, until some of her conversations led me to believe that she was just searching for information to cause trouble between my hubby and I. Also, all she wants to talk about is the negative things in her relationship, to see what I would say, I believe. And, she even talks about other male interests, and I am thinking, (and I told her), what are you talking about, you are married, (her and his second time), concentrate on your marriage! Anyways, one time I called her using one of our business lines, and I never gave her that number. She saved it, and asked me if it was my hubby's. I told her we both use it, because I do not want her to have it. And she saved it! How do I know, because a while back, she called that line, and said that she was trying to reach me, and had tried all the other lines. And, she didn't want to be calling my hubby, and that she was embarrassed. So, what does she do today? She calls early in the morning, on that line, and I answer, knowing it's her, and there is nobody answering, she just hangs up. I waited for her to call. She called me back like 3 hours later, saying that there was something wrong with her phone and it just hung up, she couldn't hear anything. I don't think that I am overreacting, because she seems to always want to talk about my husband, and I feel that she uses any opportunity to talk to him and is always eyeing him. I have felt this for weeks. And, when my sister and mother came to visit me, they met her, and said that she does not seem sincere, at the time, I did not take them seriously, but now, I am passed annoyed. I believe that she is "the grass is greener on the other side" type of person...and so I am going to try to lessen the relationship, if I can. My hubby thinks that I am too suspicious (and no, he is not into her, she is exactly what he does not like...he just feels sorry for her, because he thinks that she is just trying to adjust and needs friends, and so that is why she is into my life)...what do you think?
11 people like this
32 responses
@rosie_123 (6113)
14 Feb 07
Maybe she is just lonely, and isn't handling making new friends very well. I think you should takk to her, and just try and get to the bottom of her intentions. I think maybe you are being a little too suspicious, but I guess I am not in your situation so I cannot really judge.
@bethmt (419)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I don't think that you're being too suspicious. This woman sounds very insecure and possibly thrives a little on drama and upheaval. She also doesn't seem to have a good concept of personal boundaries either. Your husband may be right in that she's trying to adjust but that shouldn't be at YOUR expense. In other words you can't be this woman's therapist. You offered friendship to her but it sounds like she's taking advantage of it. If you can, let your husband know how uncomfortable she is making you feel and explain the reasons why. I think it's a good idea to do what you are doing by pulling away from the relationship as much as possible. Whenever you do talk to her and she starts to ask prying questions let her know that her questions are making you uncomfortable and that they're just too personal. I had a "friendship" once with someone very similar to whom you're describing and I really sympathize with you. That kind of person, while I feel bad for them on some level, can be terribly draining and cause way too much stress. I hope things work out for you.
@emisle (3822)
• Ireland
14 Feb 07
I think you're not being paranoid. She sounds like a not so nice person if you ask me, and if you're mother and sister picked up on something than I think you should really take that on board and start putting distance between yourself and this woman. Your husband needs to be careful. Yes she may need a friend at this time but he has to be careful that she doesn't start to think that he fancies her.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Feb 07
I had not thought of it that way...because he is so nice and polite, she probably would begin to feel that way. Which reminds me, the other day, she was saying how she likes him a lot and thinks of him as a brother...yeah right.., emisle, you are so right, and I do believe that she will begin to believe there is something more in his nice attitude.
1 person likes this
@Sawsen (793)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I think you should have a little talk with her. I think you should tell her that your husband's cell phone is for business use only and that he doesn't like it when people call him, unless it's for business purposes. Second of all, I agree with your idea that you should lessen your contact with her, because she obviously seems to feel like you and her are really good friends. And if she's trying to find out information about you and your husband, tell her it's personal, and it's none of her business.
• United States
14 Feb 07
I never give her a response when she starts asking questions, there is nothing to say. All I tell her is that all is well, we are good sort of thing. I do not share my marital issues with friends that I have not been close to for years and years. She is just becoming too involved, and very envious, I believe. I usually do not jump to conclusions, but I just cannot shake this bad feeling about her.
• United States
14 Feb 07
I think you're doing the right thing backing away from her. I was in a situation like that with my husband's best friend's girlfriend. SHe became obsessed with my family and my life. She would come over and hang out with my husband while I was at work, she was always asking if she could take my daughter (just her and my daughter, I wasn't invited...) to the park, and the day she got a little too close and started to touch him, he called her on it. She fled from the house and we told her boyfriend about it. He confronted her and she called me, screaming that I was just trying to wreck her relationship. Needless to say, the guy knew what she was up to, and he'd been suspicious too. If you're uncomfortable around her, stop seeing her socially. Make something up if you have to, but get away from her in every way possible. It sounds to me like she's experiencing your life envy!
3 people like this
• United States
15 Feb 07
Yes, I feel that my scenario might turn out just like yours did, except maybe she would just be a bit more reserved. I discussed this with my husband, and I believe what is upsetting him, is the fact that he feels bad for his buddy, if my accusations are true. I really don't know why a lot of people are envious, everyone has their ups and downs, so no one should want to have the life of another. She just does not seem satisfied with her life, it is not a game for her to play...this is life.
2 people like this
@monet0077 (156)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I think you should go with your gut instincts. Ask your husband to trust you on this even if he does feel sorry for her. Sympathy may be the opening she is looking for. If you spend time with them in a couples only setting she will have less opportunity to create any drama. Just my two cents.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Feb 07
Yes, that is the way it will have to be...and, you are right, perhaps in the future she will want to confide in him, and have him mediate between her and her hubby....everyone is giving me more things to be wary of and consider. Thank you.
2 people like this
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Men don't usually pick up on these things, but women have a sort of sixth sense about them (unless they are suspicious of everyone, but you don't seem to fit that at all). Your mother and sister are feeling that sixth sense sort of thing too! Yes, I think I would be suspicious and cool the friendship too. Her behavior sounds familiar, as the types of things a duplicatice woman will do. Your marriage is more important than a frinedship with her. Just be 'friends' with her when she and her husband come to visit etc. As there's no law saying you have to make time for her. And I'd keep my eye on her! It does sound to me like she is trying to call your husband and get some sort of common ground with him. And her talking about other male intersts, when she is married, makes her untrustworthy in my book!
@raeleighb (384)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I think if you truely trust your husband you shouldnt worry but at the same time watch your back around her because you CANT trust her!!!!!1
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 07
You are right, I really cannot, and that is what is sad, because, if you cannot trust someone, then they are not really your friend.
2 people like this
@sigma77 (5383)
• United States
14 Feb 07
As you said in your post, she needs to concentrate on her relationship and quit eyeballing your husband. It may be nothing, but this is how things get out of control. It starts innocently and snowballs into an irreversable situation. I am not saying this is going to happen with you, but I think your husband needs to pay attention to what might be going on. I don't agree with your friend calling you on your business lines. Your hubby may not like her, but who knows what her intentions might be. I think you are ahead of the curve by being suspicious and keeping an eye on her. I will likely turn out to be nothing. But if things continue to move in the same direction, you might have to take further action. Try to stay friends with her with both eyes open, and without judging her to harshly for now. She sounds like she is insecure and maybe jealous of your relationship.
• United States
14 Feb 07
Yes, I agree with you...this is what I am hoping to do, she has already called me twice this morning, constantly asking me what is wrong, why do I sound sad, etc...I hate drama and loose cannons, so this is really going to annoy me more than anything, but I hope to be able to do exactly what you are suggesting. I really don't want this to snowball into a big (inconvenient) issue. But, I am completely gaurded around her now.
2 people like this
@mzbubblie (3839)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Marriage - a man and woman coming together as one...
Well my friend, this is a time you need to have a woman to woman talk with her. You need to let her know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Also, let her know if there is nothing more to talk about then negative things, you are not interested. Futhermore, I wouldn't be too suspicious, You know where your husband heart is and I know he loves you dearly... Some envious, vindictive women now a days will do or say things trying to be sneaky or stir up nonsense between others lives...Just put her in her place. And if she can't respect that cut all ties off with her. She is not worth the headaches or the wondering what she got a hidden agenda... I would end ties, but before I do, I let her know how I REALLY feel.. Good luck with that...
• United States
14 Feb 07
Once it reaches the breaking point, I will probably have to, because I have a hard time hiding my true feelings about someone, when I no longer want to be around them. If it were dislike, and that dislike did not stem from something personal, it would be very easy to maintain a distant and placid relationship. But, not in this case. Thanks for the wise words, I will eventually have to take that initiative...not going to be easy.
2 people like this
@sizzle3000 (3036)
• United States
14 Feb 07
The first thing is that you communicate to your husband what is going on. You should be secure in your relationship to trust him. The next thing I would do is tell her that she needs to worry about her husband not yours. Let her know that you don't like the way the conversations you have are going. The next think is stop calling her. Be busy when she calls. Maybe if you are cold she will get the hint and change. If she is truely trying to start trouble she will tip her hand when you freeze her out. The other thing is don't let her get to you. If she is out to get your husband causing friction between you two would make her happy.
• United States
14 Feb 07
I really don't think you're being too suspicious. I think too often we women don't trust our gut instincts. I had to learn to do that. I love that one quote, "if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, then it's a duck!!" (lol) Seriously, I would try and back off from the friendship, make the calls quick, and make yourself unavailable. This woman sounds like trouble with a capital T!!! Also, she sounds like the type of friend that is so negative, they zap your energy. I call them "drainers" and I have eliminated drainer friendships before. I just have no room for negativety in my life. Best of luck to you!! Keep us posted on what happens!! :)
2 people like this
• United States
14 Feb 07
It seems like she is either deperate for friends or she is after your husband. Just because your husband is friends with her husband doesn't mean YOU have to be friends with her. You need to tell her that you feel like she has overstepped your boundries and you don't like it. Tell her ya'll are not good enough friends for her to be asking all those personal questions and if she can't respect your space then you won't be able to associate with her anymore. Lay it on the line, she might not realize what she is doind, it may just be her personality. You will never know until you say something.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Feb 07
You know, she has begun to tell me that I am one of her closest friends and all that. I hope that I will be able to keep a distance from her, but I don't know if it will be possible when she considers me close to her. I will eventually have to say something. I hope I don't muck it up.
2 people like this
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
15 Feb 07
She does seem too nosy, eh? It would be best to keep your guard up, maintain a safe distance. If she is indeed having marital problems you can offer some friendly advice. At the same time relax, knowing that your husband is trustworthy. Your marriage is far too important to be affected by this nosy person.
2 people like this
@MGjhaud (23069)
• Philippines
15 Feb 07
thats woman is pretty anoying huh..? i think its the friendship that she is looking for, as i i was reading the description, i can tell. if you are new to someone yuo're too far asking personal questions, right. just avoid talking to her but in a nice manner that she might not say your rude to her so that there'll be no hurting of feelings. its ok to be suspicious but not to the extent that your overdoing it. you confront her when you sees her going into your husbands boundary. thats the time you ask her. and if you trust your husband then no problem.
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Good morning WesternValleyGirl, Nice to visit with you again, outside of the garden. I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma with your new acquaintance. Like we all don't have enough to focus on in our lives, we need folks adding to our load. Sorry, I digress. My two cents on your scenario is that it's completely irrelevant if you think you might be being overly suspicious. The reality is that this other gal gives you 'the willy's'. So, if she leaves you feeling creepy, then it's probably not worth it to remain in contact with her. Life is too short to waste on people who make you feel creepy! Sadly, you're not in a position to simply tell her that you're not comfortable with her negativity, 'cause your husbands are friends. So, maybe the solution is for you to get really busy. Much too busy to visit on the phone, or get together. And hey, that's not really too far from the truth, right? Your family, the garden, the house, etc... Some people are just weird. So, please don't allow yourself to feel badly that this acquaintance probably won't blossom into a friendship. 'Course, the flip-side is that she may just be going through a phase. Maybe some time away from her will allow her to work through her 'stuff', and she may end up being exactly who her first impression made you think she was. No way to know for sure. So, don't let her inner ugliness bring you down. Run, run for the hills, and don't look back. Oh, wait! That's a flashback from a movie. Back to the issue at hand ... you and your husband are happy. There's trust between you, and mutual respect. So, let your inner wise-woman surface, push this vexatious acquaintance out of your lives and go forth, and be merry!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 07
Hello friend, I am putting your garden advice to good use, and have shared a lot of the info with my husband. As to this issue, your advice (and way with words) is wonderful, you have put my entire situation in perfect order. That is the way the situation seems to me, and the solutions and courses of action seem apropros. I am even feeling upset, because she is the only friend I have within a 20-50 mile radius. Everyone else is much farther away...so, I really hope I will be able to find someone to take her place. I really wish that she had remained a good friend, but now, I just feel too suspicious and guarded, and I hope that I am wrong. However, as I just mentioned above, she has already called me twice, and asked about why I am feeling sad, she probably thought I am upset at my hubby, when I am just upset that it was her calling...
2 people like this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
15 Feb 07
Good morning Western ValleyGirl, Wow, you've gotten some really good, insightful answers to your question. Way to go Mylotters! First, I'd like to send some warm fuzzies your way. Since she is your only gal buddy in the area, I'm sure part of you grieves the loss of a potential deep friendship. As younger gals, we've surely all experienced the kind of all encompassing relationships that best girl-friends offers. You know, where we can discuss anything, and it's always o.k. As we learn to establish boundaries, it's more difficult to find those types of friendships. It becomes a reality that we begin to make judgements about the kind of people we want in our lives. Certain behaviors become undesireable, or completely unacceptable. Certainly I am not privy to this gal's inner thoughts, but depending on her level of maturity, she may just not have learned to be discriminating yet. The real thorn here is that your two husbands are buds. So, cutting her off cold turkey could create unwanted drama, or worse -- particularly if they work together. Keeping in mind that she is already picking up on your vibe, completely extricating yourself from her could trigger a confrontation which could affect the guys. Taking all things into account, here is what I would do: I would figure out some types of activities where other people are around, where private one on one talks are impossible, and where being on 'one's best behavior' is called for. Then I would call her and invite her to that activity. The most obvious seems to be a church activity. This would send a clear message that adultery, swinging, etc... are not top on your list of things to do. If you're not a church-goer, then perhaps a lecture or seminar on parenting or building better relationships. Something that appeals to our civilized nature. Doing so will help to fulfill your needs of having another female nearby, and will clue her in to your unwillingness to explore the dark side of her negativity. One of two things will happen: either she'll begin to act more appropriately for an adult-married woman, or she'll determine that you're not the kind of friend she's looking for. And the bonus is, you might just meet other people to expand your circle of friends. Just some thoughts that I hope will be helpful. Again, sending warm & fuzzies your way!
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5016)
• United States
15 Feb 07
I don't think you are being too suspicious. Tell her again that the line is for business only and try to lessen contact with her. She sounds like trouble.
1 person likes this
@Shaun72 (15959)
• Palatka, Florida
15 Feb 07
it sounds to me like she is a trouble maker I would watch my back around her.
@simplysue (631)
• United States
16 Feb 07
Don't walk away from this type of relationship....RUN!Mother nature gave you that intuition you have for a good reason....use it. I'm sure your husband means well however a few months down the road he will wish he never told you that you are too suspicious. If it looks like a duck,walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....it's a duck!Trust yourself.
1 person likes this