My ex wrote me a letter. Should I write back?

@thyst07 (2091)
United States
February 24, 2007 10:19pm CST
We broke up when I moved to a different state. I moved on fairly quickly- he still hasn't. We did say we'd keep in touch, but I'm not really sure what to say to him. He keeps talking about how he misses me and that if we hadn't broken up, he'd be moving here by now to marry me. And I feel bad that he's still so attached, but I'm very happy with the man I'm with. Any suggestions?
16 people like this
86 responses
@Shaun72 (15965)
• Palatka, Florida
25 Feb 07
Just be truthful and tell him that you are happy with the man you are with now and that you are sorry that it didn't work out between the two of you.
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Yep. That's fairly standard, good advice. I don't harbor any resentment toward him, and I'm sorry that it didn't work...but I've found the one for me.
1 person likes this
@DocterDew (902)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Why not just write him back a friendly letter? It's not like you need to marry your ex why not just be friendly with him? I'm sure you could use another friend as long as it doesn't make your current boyfriend mad, so ask him what to do as it would probably be best coming from him.
3 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
My boyfriend has already said he's ok with it. He's pretty secure in our relationship.
1 person likes this
@mashimaro (1094)
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
it depends to the letter he wrote and it depends also to you..
• India
25 Feb 07
The adage about truism is most appropriate for your case. It does seem worthwhile to explore the possibility of a platonic relationship with a person who has shared intimacy with you before, but you must be upfront about your current relationship. It would be churlish not to reply, and entirely unfair if you were to lead your former partner on, without telling him the truth about your present position. Incidentally, you should also keep your present partner in the picture.
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
That's very sound advice. My ex does know I'm seeing someone, but we haven't talked in a while and he doesn't know how serious it has gotten. My current partner is also well aware of the situation, and I wouldn't even think of hiding anything from him.
1 person likes this
@mstay4 (69)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I say write him back a nice letter staing that you don't regret your relationship with him that it made an impression on ( if this is true of course)you but that you have since moved on. Don't be rude or hateful but let him know that it will never be angain betweent he two of you but you are thankful for what you had when you had it. Good Luck.
3 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I was with him for a year and a half, so he definitely DID leave an impression...I don't feel for him romantically anymore, but he was still a big part of my life, and I'm not just going to forget that.
1 person likes this
@cherhost (1072)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Just be blunt with him and tell him you are in a relationship. And that you are happy now. Do not sugar coat it at all. If you start to then you know that you still have feelings for him. Good luck.
3 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I definitely don't plan on doing any sugar-coating. I'm not really that kind of person.
2 people like this
@cherriemae (3373)
• Philippines
25 Feb 07
Love is a choice, happiness is a risk..If your really happy with your new boyfriend then tell your ex that you already have a new one,so that, he will not expect things from you..I know it's hard to decide coz your have no closure with your ex..It's your choice girl..You can decide on your own coz you yourself knows who has a big point for your heart. But dont only consider your heart, your mind too..Good luck! I hope you will have a good decision..:)
2 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
My heart and mind are already completely set on the guy I'm with now. He is absolutely, definitely, undeniably the one for me. And my ex probably ought to know that...
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
so tell your ex that you have moved on and you think you have found the one! he may not like it but its the truth and the truth hurts!o and congrats on finding the rite guy!
@hestee (250)
• Nigeria
25 Feb 07
You can come clean and let him know that you are now in another relationship and doing well. You can still be friends. From your post i don't think you feel anything for him anymore and the sooner you let him know the better.Since the seperation was amicable he is stil hoping against hope for a comeback.
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
26 Feb 07
He already knows I'm in another relationship, and he still keeps hoping. Some people never give up, I guess.
@Mamaof2 (574)
• Canada
25 Feb 07
I would write him back. but simpily to just set the record straight! Just tell him that there are no feelings left on your part and that you are happy where your life is at this point in time. Dont feel bad, people have their own feelings so he just needs to realize that it isn't mutual anymore and only one sided.
2 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I can't help feeling a little bad. I mean, I never like to see someone hurt, especially on my account. I'm definitely not going to spare him the truth, but I still feel sorry for him that he's unhappy.
1 person likes this
@kathy77 (7487)
• Australia
25 Feb 07
Well this is his fault as if he had of done the right thing in the beginning then probably you would not have met this man that you are with now, so he should of treated you in the right manner at first and then he would not have lost you in the first place, and as they say no good to cry over spilt milk and so he has to learn to let go of you and get on with his own life.
2 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
It's not a matter of fault. He treated me just fine, and didn't do anything wrong. We broke up over circumstances- being too far away from each other.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Feb 07
Ignore it, please ignore this letter. you have moved on, let it be that. if you do respond, tell him that he needs to move on as well. he sounds depressed, let him get the help for it. dont let him pull you down. good luck!
2 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
He's not depressed. Depression is a clinical, medical condition. This is his first "real" breakup, and it's only natural that it's taking a while to get over it.
1 person likes this
• Australia
25 Feb 07
i think it is very important for him to know that you have moved on and want nothing else but friendship. in no way should you at all lead him on because the man that you are with might get jealous. i think you should try really hard to put some space between you both allowing him to move on. maybe this means pushing him away a bit. it may be necessary. reassure him that you are friends but thats it. its flattering i know to be wanted but you really need to push him away. he needs to move on just like you have... goodluck
2 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Well, space isn't an issue. He lives in a different state, and this is the first time we've had contact in about 4 months. My current partner isn't jealous- we both know that we're for each other, and there's nobody else who could ever get in the way.
1 person likes this
• Canada
25 Feb 07
If you are really happy with the guy you are with then I would suggest not writing back . If you do he may feel that you still have feelings for him and feel that because you wrote back that there is still a chance of getting back with you whereas if you don't bother to write back then he may realize that he has no other choice but to move on also .
2 people like this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I'd feel kind of bad completely ignoring his letter, though, because we did say we would keep in touch. I don't want him to think there's any possibility of getting back together, but I also don't want to be a cruel, unfeeling wench.
1 person likes this
@LadyLudie (359)
• Philippines
25 Feb 07
It is you who can decide what to do.It is your feeling which will lead you to an answer,It is your heart which will command you to leave him finally or not.Don't be confused,follow your heart and your mind.Think about it.You can answer.
@habichuelo (3101)
• United States
25 Feb 07
you dont realy know,how terrible,,how destructive,,how depressive and how sad its for him,that you dont love him!.Just try to do like the Bible say,,stay with your ex and find the way back to love him.I was in his shoes,the situation you dont even want to know...
1 person likes this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I've read the Bible cover-to-cover, and there is not one place in it that says to stay with an ex boyfriend who isn't right for you. And the only reason it would be destructive to my ex is if he lets it be- it's his choice to let go, especially since he's the one who broke things off in the first place. Go study your Bible more. You need practice.
2 people like this
• United States
25 Feb 07
if you already had intimacy with your ex and now you are with anoyher man thats adultery,then... you should stay with your ex and marry him. If you hasnt had intimacy with your ex then you were right and im sorry.
1 person likes this
@bluegem (174)
• Dominican Republic
25 Feb 07
You should let it go. The same reason you guys broke in the first place will still present itself. Besides, if the person you are with makes you feel happy then why bother to look back? He will eventually move on if you ignore him. It's ok to talk to him but dont ever get too intimate with him again. I have a boyfriend who was like that and i learnt the hard way that ppl are hard to change, even when they say they have. Yes, I believe in chances but you need a chance to be happy. Save your ink and ultimately save yourself the heartache. How will the man in your life feel if he finds out that you are still corresponding with you ex? You need to think about that. Is this a risk you are willing to take? Please think twice!
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
As I've already said, my current boyfriend already knows about the correspondence, and he's fine with it. He trusts me and knows that I don't have any feelings left for my ex.
• United States
2 Feb 12
Yes, turn your back, regardless. If you notice a trend after 5 years or more, then look at yourself and just hope that it is possible for people to change
@LittleMel (14033)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
I wouldn't write him any letter back if I were you. He is trying to get you back and you write to him, you will remember your good times together instead of the bad times that made you broke up in the first place. He is one of many people who didn't realize what he had until he lost it, don't fall for his trap since you will end up like him now, losing the one that you are happy with right now.
1 person likes this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
26 Feb 07
I don't think there's any danger of losing the man I'm with now. We're stuck together like glue, and no amount of reminiscing about an old relationship is going to change my mind. But I don't plan on doing any reminiscing- if I do write, it will just be an update on life- nothing about the past.
• United States
25 Feb 07
Even if you are happy with the man you have it does not mean that you can not keep the ex as a friend. I don't think that we can ever have to many friends. If your current boyfriend has a problem with it then you may want to do things differently but I don't see a problem with remaining friends. I would not ever take the chance of leading this other guy on though.
1 person likes this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Thanks for that advice. You're right, there's no such thing as too many friends. And he is pretty much my only connection with "home." I think we can be friends, as long as I keep it clear that I don't want him back.
@Chele2k2 (241)
25 Feb 07
By all means keep in touch but given the fact that it sounds like he hasn't moved on and is still attached to something that is clearly over. I would make those letters you write to him as honest as possible, don't put anything in them that will give him any false hopes. Does your ex know you have moved on and in a new relationship with someone else? If not then tell him, it might help him move on.
1 person likes this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
He already knows, but he's finding it pretty hard to think that I could be so happy with someone else so soon after we broke up.
@jolanda33 (720)
• Netherlands
25 Feb 07
i think you have to tell him the truth! you went on with your live, and ofcourse you missed him in the beginning but now you are strong enough to be with somebody else. so he knows that he has to go on with his life too! just be friendly and try not to hurt his feelings to much. i think he better hears the truth then not telling!
1 person likes this
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
You're right-I don't want to hurt his feelings, but knowing the truth is best for him.
@sanell (2113)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I would write back and just kindly let him know that you have moved on. this happened with my sister. She had dated a guy for 5 years, they were not really good for eachother at all, but he was very codependent on her. She finally just figured that she needed to move on. He was getting ready to propose and somehow she had a feeling that was going to happen and just freaked out. He came back from visiting his family and getting the ring and she said that she did not feel they should be together anymore. he was really upset and she just said I think I know that you were down with your family to get a ring and I just konw that I can not be married to you, we are not a good fit. So she broke it off. He said he was fine with it and would call her many times. His mother even called her to say that she was making a mistake and she just held her own and said "I am moving on we are not a couple and we are not going to become a couple anymore" well he started dating again and she thought that was great, but always anytime they would meet up for coffee here and there he would say he if she ever wanted him back he would be here waiting for her. She felt that was really pathetic but said "whatever" Now she is with a great guy and they are doing really well, turns out that her ex is still doing okay but not with his relationships, he is still pining for my sister but my sister is so over him...she has decided that talking with him is not a good idea at all. so they no longer talk and she probably hopes to never really see him again in the future... anyway, the moral of this story is, you have to tell him it is OVER, even if it means you no longer think it is a good idea to stay in touch because obviously he is not over you and it is just going to make it worse, you are giving him hope if things stay amicable, it sucks I know, because I think it is great you want to still be his friend, but he obviously does not want to be your friend, he wants to be with you as a boyfriend or husband...got to just cut him off completely!
@thyst07 (2091)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Thanks for sharing that story. Sometimes, people just don't get over it. But I think my ex will, given time. It was only about 5 months ago that we broke up, and it was his first major relationship- so I think it might take a while. But I do think he'll get over it.