I cant hold on to this relationship anymore.. :'(

Philippines
March 6, 2007 8:45pm CST
My bf and i had been going out for more than a year now and though i love him, i admit that i am really having difficulty in keeping up with this relationship. Only our closest friends know about our relationship because he has a wife but they are separated already and my parents are strongly against it. We have managed to make our relationship work despite going out in secret but there have been many problems arising lately.I feel that i cannot hold on to this relationship anymore and that i value my parents' feelings more. I have openly talked to him about my feelings that it would be better if we remain friends because there would be no future for us. He had been understanding and said that he's willing to risk and wait til i make my final decision and whatever happens, he'll still be there to love me. Recently, we had a fight over something that is really not a big thing but since then, we havent talked or met with each other,not even a text message and it's going to be a week already. During these few days that i was without him, i finally thought that maybe this is now the time for us to part ways as bf-gf. But, i would really want to save our friendship and i dont want to lose him even as a friend. Do you think it is possible for us to still become friends? I am really so confused right now i dont know if i should go on and end this relationship knowing that i might lose his friendship as well or save the relationship and go on again without a possible future..
7 people like this
51 responses
@Anakata2007 (1787)
• Canada
7 Mar 07
I don't want to make your obvious emotional pain and despair sound trite, but what you are feeling is completely normal. It's SO hard to break up and of course you want to be friends because it's hard to let go of someone as a person. Obviously you both care for each other as people if not as lovers as much as you need to be. I think it's too early now to worry about a friendship. First of all, if you break up with someone, you can't have a real friendship with them until a few weeks or months have passed with you being apart, otherwise youre just boyfriend and girlfriend still and will never be able to pull yourself away. Right now, you sound like you know you want to end the boyfriend/girlfriend part of that relationship. My suggestion is for you to send him a card, telling him that youre sorry it didn't work out but that you will always care for him, and that you will contact him in a few weeks or months in order to see if you can be friends.
• Philippines
9 Mar 07
thanks anakata for the wonderful advice.Right now, i just cant make myself do it, i mean, i will definitely miss him and the things we used to do and the way he treats me..guess i am selfish because i dont want to lose our friendship because i still want him to be there for me even as friends only. I plan to do it this weekend already, but i am thinking that talking or telling him personally about it would be better than by sending him a card. i am afraid that he might misunderstand my meaning if i dont say it personally..
• Philippines
7 Mar 07
your situation is really hard, its not that we prefer our feelings over to what our parents say means that we dont respect them anymore its just that we have to stand by what is right and what makes us happy even..y dont you try to txt him first anyway its a reciprocated relationship after all right?..but if you dont really have the reason to hold on to your relationship then i guess you must be right its better to separate ways than to continue the relationship and youd be get hurt... and you can still continue the frienship if u want i have known many couples who had parted ways and still the friendship is there..
• Philippines
7 Mar 07
well,considering the fact that he didn't even care to contact you after the fight,it might mean that it's ok if you two break up.do not worry,regarding the friendship,im sure you two would be able to wind it all up together,and be casual friends.but never expect a very close friend relationship,since it would just complicate things,and you would find yourself being together again,as bf-gf.right now,keep distance.it is the best thing to do.so you could really think over,the things that are happening.so good luck!!and i hope i have enlightened you somehow.
@dixtra (27)
• Indonesia
7 Mar 07
I happen to be in this kind of problems, actualy; twice. I'm in the middle of no future relationship. First, same as you, I have a relationship with other people "husband" and the second times ; I have a relationship with a man with different religion. With those 2 relationship ; I happen to have a good friendship... or should I say GREAT relationship. I learn so much thing from both of them. But then I realized ; this relationship got no future. In the mean time, perhaps you will get happy time, but after all the happines gone, or perhaps those man go away, nothing left for you but HURT. Not every good start will end up good. Something that remain the same is our parent and God. They will always be there on your good time or in a bad time. I learn from that experience. When finaly I finished the relationship. I found that the world out there is beautifull.. I found my husband..that never leaves me alone
• Philippines
9 Mar 07
good for you dixtra..i sure hope i will also find someone who can be my husband that would also never leave me and cherish me. but right now, i guess i dont want to think about that first..
@selina0625 (1383)
• Philippines
7 Mar 07
I think this is the best time for you to rethink how you've been living your life. You seemed like a nice girl who has a zest for life. Love doesn't have to be blind. You have a choice to be happy in the right way.As you said, he has a wife and you've been keeping your relationship secret. It's not how love is. Love should be shared with your love ones.There's nothing more satisfying than being able to present your love one to your folks and have the best time with him together with your family. Come on girl there's a lot of fish in the sea and you don't have to share it with another woman. It may hurt awhile to leave someone you love, but it soon go away in time.Time heals all hurts..and time brings new love too. So it's up to you...I'm sure you're a smart girl and you know the right choice to make.Good luck and wish you hapiness and peace.
• Philippines
9 Mar 07
Yes, and how i wish i could also be proud of him to my family. As a saying goes, you cant wrap fire with paper. I know that if we go on with our relationship in secret, sooner or later,my parents will find out about it and i cant imagine what the consequence would be. This is also one of the reasons why even though it's so hard, i am thinking of ending the relationship already to avoid more hurt and grave consequence in the future. At least now, maybe we could part ways in a good note..Guess what makes it harder is because he was my first true love and serious relationship..
• Latvia
9 Mar 07
I have similar situation. Or shall i say - my bf has simolar situation:) It is not easy at all for both persons. I was thinking we should end it for many many times. Although my partens are supportive, because they saw that he loves me very much. I know that too, but there are so many things I can't deal with. I want the same as you - stay very good friends with him. But do you think it is possible if emotions are overflowing? I am not sure. I thik if you want him as a friend. Give him space now and when he will come out of his cave talk again about new situation you are both in.
1 person likes this
@clod0327 (817)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
My advice to you is go on and end this relationship even if entails loosing his friendship. He might be separated from his wife already but still under the law, you are still not allowed to marry this guy. Can you stand to live like this forever knowing that you don’t know what the future lies between him & you? Can you stand to live a complicated life with him knowing that theirs a possibility that your relationship will forever be a secret? Also, in the eyes of God it is still wrong to get involved with somebody who is still married. So my advice is to move on without him. In time, if all wounds heal, you might still be able to save your friendship.
1 person likes this
@vicki59 (23)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I have been right where you are now, please take my advice, ans run. First of all, you're reletionship has to be a secret. Why? Mine did too- I was 24 when my relationship started, I was faithful,and loved him, and I knew he loved me,and was doing everything to be with me. I heard every excuse there was. He could have wrote a book of excuses. They were seperated,but he still had to help her financially, he had to do things the right way, cause if she knew about me he would lose some of his pension. He was building an apt. in the house so she'd have an income coming in. And there were more. And I accepted every one, and waited, and argued, and cried.At 37, I caught him with my BEST FRIEND, and that too was my fault. Well I left him, which wasn't easy, But where is he now? Home with the WIFE he left. So I spent 13 years waiting for someone who never intended on leaving her at all. And here I am not able to trust any guy, and I am 47 now. So please, think about what you are doing, and how much of yourself do you have to give up to keep a guy that probably just wants the best of both worlds. It's really not worth it. Neither is all the pain you will feel if you continue your RELATIONSHIP with him. I wish you all the luck in the world,and hope things turn out well.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6447)
• Canada
8 Mar 07
It sounds like you guys got together at the wrong time. You have a lot of things going on - and it might not be very healthy for either of you to remain friends, because then there would be the possibility of getting back together. Better to move on, and maybe meet someone else. It might work out better once he is actually divorced.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Mar 07
Even though you know it is wrong it is hard to make a decision when you are in such a relationship because you are in love with him. U let your emotions get over you. But if you really weigh things out, it is better to get out of such a relationship cause you very well know that it is not going anywhere. It hurts at during the first few weeks, but try to control yourself, go out with friends so you will take him out of your mind. Time will heal all wounds and later you will realize that it is possible to fall out of love. If you have gotten over him then it will be time to open your heart to other chances of a good relationship.
• United States
7 Mar 07
Is he planning on a divorce? Are they in the process? I am not in any way trying to be judgemental, but if he is not getting a divorce, then I think your question is already answered. You can't have a wonderful fulfilling relationship if you are hiding and secretly having meetings becasue he doesn't want to get caught. If there is a divorce in the process, then you just have to really dive into your thoughts and feelings and see what YOU think...not your friends or parents, but YOU. I I know I'm not much help. Sorry, but this is really the only thing I know to tell you. Good luck
1 person likes this
• India
7 Mar 07
i think it would be very cruel of you to decide to be just friends after all that commitment that you two gave each other.... if u had decided it and went so far...i think you should carry it on....let not silly fights bother such an amazing relationship...not many people find true love...life is not always simple...let your parents know what a good person he is and work it out....
1 person likes this
@jcgbrains (139)
• United States
7 Mar 07
Continuing the relationship as it is currently is only going to cause you more pain. Drop him and do not go back, I would say, never speak to him again, but if you want to punish yourself then keep being friends with him. Remember that a person who cheats with you will also cheat on you.
1 person likes this
@marbil2 (10)
• United States
7 Mar 07
whoo-eeee! As a good friend told me once; If you got him from her, someone can get him from you." You might want to think about this before you get in any deeper AND if there is no communication going on I would leave it that way. Remaining friends, to me, is just a way to have a back up plan in the romance department. Life moves forward and sometimes the best way to do that is to not look back.
1 person likes this
@bam001 (941)
• United States
7 Mar 07
I am going to be blunt. The man has a wife! The fact is that they are separated, but they are still legally MARRIED. It is time to walk away and not look back. Since he is married, there should have never been a relationship with you to begin with. Now, that I have been blunt, I will soften the blow a little. I have been in a relationship with a man going through a divorce. At the time, I thought he loved me...of course, I thought wrong...very wrong. Walking away was the best thing I ever did. My opinion only: If he would have a relationship with you while he was still married to someone else (I know, I know...separated...but that is a moot point), then he would probably have no problem doing the same thing again. Oh, one more thing...what if he never goes through with divorce, or worse, decides to reconcile with his wife...then where does that leave you?
• United States
7 Mar 07
Well you said that He'd still be there to love you. If you don't feel comfortable enough in this relationship, I would say just get out of it. You and your parents will feel better once he's just your friend. If he loves you that much, he will understand and if you know now that you can't hold on, don't push yourself to. A relationship is not a good or healthy one, you won't be happy. Do what is right for you.
1 person likes this
• India
7 Mar 07
well, i understand it is not easy to wind up with a relation that was actually so closely packed up -- and so lovingly knitted..... but then I believe one "SHOULD" see dreams and even can create a dream world of oneself.... but then definitely one should not forget the REAL MATERIALISTIC world,.... and thi world says move on, keeping the relations which are ith you, but dun look back to amend those relations that broke off,,, it is really painful... to be an optimistic rather, in any case if you feel that the time of end is here, you must go ahead and wind it up all as soon as possible.... but make sure you don't regret it laters....
1 person likes this
@Trace86 (5033)
• United States
7 Mar 07
I think you already know that this isn't the right relationship for you. He is still married to someone else. You can try to stay just friends until he gets divorced. He will never be truly yours until he is no longer hers. Your parents may change their minds about him after he is truly free. You deserve a man who you don't need to sneak around with.
@tess1960 (2386)
• United States
7 Mar 07
Face the facts here. You are the other woman. He is still married. You meet in secret. This is not a healthy relationship. HE is using you and quit frankly he is not even worth your friendship. If he has been sleeping with you the odds are very good he is sleeping with her too. All kinds of problems could come out of that. If he has gone a week without contacting you it is possible he is with his wife or on to the next gf. YOu owe it to yourself to find a single man that will openly love and cherish you, not another womans man (even if they are separated). The other woman almost always loses, and separated people do sometimes get back together. Don't be the other woman any longer. Even if your parents do not approve, you need to either be a couple openly or go your separate ways. If a friendship is meant to be it will happen later, but I guess it won't. Wait him out and if he contacts you tell him you would prefer to be friends only and after he is divorced you will consider continuing the relationship further. If he does not contact you after about a month you can be sure he is on to the next relationship. I am sorry this response is so negative but I wnat you to really understand what you have gotten yourself into. Yes, some of these relationships work, but secretly meeting. NEVER! You deserve better!!!!!!
1 person likes this
• Bulgaria
7 Mar 07
The point is that you don't love him anymore as I understood and you wish only his friendship, as for him maybe he has feelings and the divorce procces is confusing him more. You really need to take some time out and think about what has happened to you and decide if you can move on with him or not. Call him and tell him how you feel and explain that you need a break. Try to show him how much you care about him and that you don't want to lose him. If he cares for you enough he'll understand and everything will be back to normal even if you're not a couple anymore.