Marriage break-up, how to be a supportive friend

United States
March 7, 2007 10:38am CST
I have friends that are going through a break-up. Their marriage is one of the most dysfuncional I have seen for the last several years, but neither one of them will give it up. There are money issues, it has gotten so bad they are about to go into forclosure on their house. There are alcohol issues...despite the lack of money they manage to go to the local bar at least 4 times a week, and sometimes the wife just won't come home which causes the biggest problems in the marriage. There are domestic abuse problems. When the wife wants to go out she picks fights so she has a "reason" to go flying out the door over to the bar, and when she comes home she gets physically abusive with the husband. There are truth issues. She "misrepresents" what is really going on to our group of friends to get sympathy and justify staying out alone in the bar till closing time. There are parenting issues...how could there not be? No money and drunk parents that spend their time at the bar. For example here is a comment from their then 7 year old daughter one night. She was planning on sleeping in a sleeping bag on the livingroom floor and asked her mom "when you come home if you are drunk and have to fall over me, please try to fall over my feet and not my head". Anyway, this has come to a head when she just didn't come home this weekend, period. He is talking divorce. We don't know what she is thinking about her future. She came back for her clothes, but left the 2 kids and hasn't tried to see or call them since. On the otherhand, both are very possessive of each other and co-dependant. I can see the husband already wavering. She never was any good at standing on her own, so I can imagine she will want to come back to have someone to take care of her. My question is how do I be supportive during a break-up, knowing there is a good chance they will get back together. I could completely not talk to them , but I don't consider that being a very good friend. I could not speak my honest opinions, and maybe that is the best way to go. If I say yes I think she was wrong or he was wrong about this or that, then later when they go through that make-up phase before it all goes crazy once again, I'll be the bad guy and both will be mad at me. What would you do?
1 person likes this
3 responses
• United States
7 Mar 07
I think you need to sit down and talk with her about the drinking. Be honest with her and tell her she needs to stop drinking to get her life back on track and for the kids. Then everything else will slowly fall in place for her and make sure she doesn't get back with him cause it sounds like the whole thing is a huge disaster
2 people like this
• United States
10 Mar 07
It's really hard to say what to do. It sounds like you're probably right they'll end up getting back together. It seems neither are really ready for this step - or any thing else from what you posted to someoneelses response. I think I would just listen and be there as much as you can for them. If they ask you - don't like just 'candy coat it' purphase. Just tell them you love them and want to help them do what is best for them as individuals and for their daughter. I really feel for her. I might even remind them that this behaviour could have her taken from them. Kids are very honest and will often tell teachers and other adults what's going on at home.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Mar 07
I think you are right. I am trying to just let them talk because they are both going through a range of emotions, and seem to only need to know someone is at least hearing their side. I'm not trying to give either one advice. Actually they have 2 daughters, and that is the saddest part watching how this is tearing them up.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 07
Those poor babies. I hope all the problems can be resolved quickly for the best (in which ever manner that may be) if anything for their sakes.
• United States
8 Mar 07
Try and be very non-committal because if you give any advice and they make up you will be the bad one. I speak from experience.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Yes thats what I'm afraid of. Thanks for your advice.