March 10, 2007 1:59am CST
This is kinda personal, but i have to get this out, i can't take it anymore. All my life i have gotten close to people, only to lose them.... And If i didn't lose them, i would feel so close to them, like they were so important to me, and they would treat me like i wasn't worth the ground they walked on. I gave up one day. I said screw it, i was done, i closed up and became really cold... For a long time, no one could get in. I found out later that had to do with depression, a condition that ran in the family and for me had to do with mostly chemical levels, and not a whole lot with the life that i was living, even though I'm sure it played a part. I didn't smile. Ever, i was 98 pounds, and never gained, i would love someone, they would pass, or take off in the night, and so i stopped. i just didn't care, didn't feel, didn't see really.... My eyes were closed, even when in reality they were open. I started to get bitter, quite.... Felt like there was no way out, and my life, was never going to change. i hated everything. I went on meds, started feeling great for a while, got a boyfriend, everything seemed fine for the most part, but i had occasional outbursts, i would break things, put my fists through support beams, i beat a huge leather punching bag to literally shreds in about a month, but it wasn't constant... I met my husband, somehow i got my feeling back, and i would say it came back too fast...Though I'll never regret it, or wish it to change, not for a second... I got out and felt good, but still, to this day, it takes most people years to get through to me. I have a friend that's been there with me through thick and thin since we were in grade 7, first day, but still, we're not that close, she still has a hard time getting in, and if i try and break that barrier, it comes up double force. I know it's fear, mostly of losing one more person i care about, one more thing in my life that is so important to me... But then, like my husband, there's some people who somehow wormed their ways in, and i have no idea how they did it. I could have lost my husband but i didn't. I'll thank god for that every day, because i get to keep him, but I'm still scared, I'm not putting up blocks, because when i see one coming i stomp it, but lately again, it's like my fear is coming back double force for everyone else, besides him... My best friends and close family don't understand why i'm not talking to them much, and i wish i could change the way i feel but i feel like maybe if i distance myself, nothing will happen, because it feels like it's me... Without me, nothing will happen... I know that's not the case, but it digs and digs.... And the ones that I'm not distancing myself from, it's because i feel like i need them so bad, and if i let go they'll slip, another thing that i know won't happen, but it's so hard.... I'm sorry for the heart bleed out here guys, but sometimes it gets so hard, and i don't know where to turn, everyone i know has their own issues, problems, lives, all that to deal with, they don't need me. So your where i go. If anyone feels like this at times, let me know, it might be nice to talk it out, i feel a little better, at the same time i feel like i could fall to pieces right now, but I'll live through it... And umm, if you never feel like this, that's okay, here's a question to upbeat this for anyone who doesn't want to respond on that topic, because i get how pathetic it is. Do you like Candy? What's your favorite kind? I hate candy, any sweets actually, rarely i eat it, and when i do, it's because i get a sickening craving and i can't take it anymore... Which is definitely not now. Thanks y'all for letting me vent, and hope your all having a good time!
11 Mar 07
If you maybe would have read my full post, you would know that i'm not trying to expect anything from anyone, I just don't, because the second you start expecting things, you get the opposite. I'm just trying to battle a part of life that a lot of people have to deal with, that's it, that's all.... Maybe one day you'll understand.