I was so angry with him that I couldn't sleep with him last night!

United States
March 15, 2007 10:50am CST
I don't know what to do anymore! I've talked until I'm blue in the face, I have argued with him, I have tried to reason with him, but this man just cannot wrap his mind around the idea that the mother of his daughter is giving him a royal screw job! Here's the situation... Before I moved across the country to be with him, he had been in a relationship with another woman (some of you may already know this part). Anyway, she got pregnant, had the baby, and things between the two of them haven't been civil in almost a year. Last week, he got a letter in the mail from the state's child support enforcement office demanding information about his employment, earnings and insurance coverage. I explained to him that child support enforcement (CSE) doesn't go around looking for people to harass and that this letter had to have been prompted by the mother. Even after I've printed out pages of information from child support enforcement's website, applications that she acknowledged filling out that clearly state she MUST cooperate with CSE so that the state can recoup it's money, he INSISTS... INSISTS... that when she filled out all of this paperwork that she didn't read all the "fine print" otherwise she wouldn't have done this to him. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? So last night, HE brings it up, HE defends her (again!) and I lost it. I shoved all the information at him that I could find and he has the audacity to get angry with ME????? So, I slept in the spare bedroom last night. We still haven't spoken this morning and he hasn't gone to work yet. I don't think I can continue to do this. It's killing me! What else can I do? I told him that when the truth came to light (and it will come to light) I was going to take perverse pleasure in saying "I told you so." Sorry, just needed to vent!
1 person likes this
3 responses
@youdontsay (3503)
• United States
15 Mar 07
If he is the father of the child it is his moral duty to help support the child no matter what he thinks and feels about the mother. I believe this very strongly. It isn't about him and the mother, it is about the child.
• United States
15 Mar 07
I agree it is his moral duty and obligation to support his child, regardless of what that support consists. What I take issue with is his inability or refusal to see that he is getting the run around. I had talked to him, begged him to be proactive in pursuing establishing paternity (because he still has an ounce of doubt), getting a child support agreement signed and arranging for visitation. As it is, he has some major hangups about money, and according to him, being proactive would put money in his attorney's pocket. Not that the money he "saved" would go to his daughter, but that it would be coming out of HIS pocket. It's kind of hard to explain, but if you've ever known anyone like this, you'll understand. I've also told him this about his daughter, and not about him, the mom, or even me! I raised a daughter, on my own, with no support of any kind from my daughter's father. It's not like I don't know what it means to raise a child or all the complications that are involved. I just don't know what else to do. Last night, he instigated the argument after we had agreed to disagree. He seems very happy playing the victim in this situation. It's frustrating.
2 people like this
@lpipe0240 (1161)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Do not yell at him. Speak in a kind and calm voice. Obviously, this is a sensitive issue and the two of you really need to "talk" about it, not yell and scream. You might consider giving him so options. Keep in mind though this is his daughter, not your. So maybe he is doing all this for his daughter. Let him know how you feel and that you two need to come to some middle ground on this issue. Hope things get better for you both...
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Mar 07
Believe me, I've tried speaking to him in a calm and kind voice. You can also believe me when I say that I have tried to "talk" to him about. As I wrote to another poster, he continues to play the victim in this situation, and this is not all about his daughter, it's about what is best for him. His daughter is secondary to that. I agree we need to come to some kind of middle ground, but I don't know how else to get there. It's difficult when you are trying and the other person either won't or can't try. I guess one of the other things that bothers me in all of this is that he is always right and I am always wrong. He tends to be very black and white in his thinking, and when he doesn't want to face the truth or what is obvious, his attacks become personal. That's where I lost it last night, I think... that his answer to the "black and white" truth was to shoot the messenger... in this case, that was me. Then suddenly, according to him, I didn't know what I was talking about, I was making things up, and she couldn't possibly have done this to him. As I stated somewhere else, we agreed to disagree, but he still insists on defending her. As badly as she has treated him, and mean as she has been to him, even when she refused to let him see his daughter, he still defends her. How do I talk to him without it turning into an all out war? I am a talker, crisis intervention specialist, social worker, etc.... in my professional life. But in my personal life, he refuses to acknowledge that I may actually have more information than he does. Sigh, I just don't know what else to do.
1 person likes this
@lpipe0240 (1161)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I hate to say this one, but you might consider leaving. Put it out there as a hey listen to me or else statement. If he does not live up to it, then leave. Absence makes the heart grow founder and maybe if you left or threatened to, he might wake up and see the light. This is not something to take lightly and do not use it often. Only in extreme cases that YOU feel, it would be beneficial if you left. I hope only the best for you and him.
1 person likes this
@syndibee (799)
• United States
16 Mar 07
i'm having a hard time understanding why you are upset. you have no problem with him supporting his child but you do have a problem with her pushing for him to support his child?? is that it, help me understand. if she's on any sort of public assistance then they DO INSIST on pushing these issues without the mothers approval. and how is he getting screwed??? this just doesn't make sense to me. he isn't getting screwed by being asked to comply and support his child. and paternity must be established either by a paternity test or him appearing in court acknowledging the child as his...if he didn't do this then he can request a paternity before paying her tho i think he knows the child is his...so is he paying support??
1 person likes this