Do people change?
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
United States
March 15, 2007 11:12am CST
My husband once told me that he wanted to prove to me that people can change. And by this he meant that he can change.
Now, me and my husband have a wonderful relationship. Before we were married...it was pretty rocky. He loved to go out and drink with his buddies...he was young and I understood it for the most part. Altho, when we got engaged I started to have my doubts...his behavior hadn't changed at all! I was terrified...I figured if he didn't change now...he probably never would.
I didn't want to be married to a man who was out drinking all the time...even if he had just turned 21. I don't see anything wrong with going out every once in awhile and throwing a few ones back. But I was seeking more from him...I wanted more of a commitment...I wanted him to change for me.
Yes, I now realize this was pretty selfish and trying to change him only led me to defeat. You can't change people...I learned that the hard way. They just grow to resent you and rebel against you.
Now, eight months into our marriage he is a changed man. I would give credit to his tour overseas with the army. I believe that time for him gave him perspective, to realize what was really important to him.
So, my question for you guys...who has proven to you that they can change? Do you think that people can change? Why or why not?
12 people like this
53 responses
@xXmeganxX (4421)
•
15 Mar 07
hi there well i have changed alot since before i got pregnant, i used to drink nearly every night with my friends and stay outside till about 2am every night, but since i had my daughter i realised i didn't have a choice and i need to be responsible for my own actions and for my daughter so i changed and now i don't really drink, maybe on special occassions but if i don't feel like drinking then, i won't! also i have matured alot too and alot of people have noticed and told me this! with my partner he has changed, when i first met him, he was a lovely caring person and over the months of being with me he became more and more violent towards me by the days and stil today he is like this, so im afraid we have to end our relationship because i don't want a person in my life like him, i would rather me and my daughter be on our own! =)
@xXmeganxX (4421)
•
15 Mar 07
no ive given up on him, he doesn't have respect for anyone not just me alone! he's had a number of chances off me and i can't take it much longer! he will be gone anyways by monday evening so im excited and can't wait hehe! thanks for replying back to me! =)
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Good for you...for standing up for yourself and having the confidence and courage to go at it alone. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck and a very happy life!
1 person likes this
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
I am glad that you decided to do away with your old habits when you became pregnant...I know many woman who haven't and it is very upsetting. I pray that your partner will treat you well...if not...then definitely get out...you and your daughter deserve a better lifestyle!
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
15 Mar 07
I do belive that people who really wants to can change, however it needs to be their decision and not someone elses. If we try to change someone else - the risk of them not chnaging is big. but if we let them belive that it is their choise, the story might be different =)
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Perhaps if we stopped believing that they can't or won't change...they would. Sometimes what we think of someone makes them who they really are...because we expect nothing more.
@praiseitem (515)
• Canada
15 Mar 07
First of all thats an testimony. Congratulations to you and your husband. Yes I believe people can change. But it is them that have to do the work, not anyone else. To many relastionships go sour because the other person tries to change someone who doesn't believe he/she needs to change. Like you said, you cannot change people. They themselves need to recongize the fact that they have something in their life that needs to be dealt with, and they are the only ones who can do it. Sometimes they need help from others but they alone can make the change.
@praiseitem (515)
• Canada
16 Mar 07
You are so correct when you said, the person would learn nothing if they weren't the one responsible for the change.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Yes, I often wonder if life would be easier if we could change people. But that is just a selfish thought, and if we could change people, the person needing the change would gain nothing from it. No lesson learned if we could do it for them.
1 person likes this
@my3hearts (11)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Good healthy people are always challenging themselves and developing in a positive direction in life. Your example of a 21 year old man drinking and changing for the better is just mere maturity. You would have known if he had a "problem." I actually had a similar situation. My husband was a swingen bachelor when I met him. I went back and forth wondering if I was wasting my time. I told him from the beginning that if he lived with me that life style would not be acceptable and that he couldn't come over at night after hanging out with his buddies(drinking). I was in no sense mature prior to meeting him but I became a single mom and kind of elliminated that life style personally. He kinda always knew that I was the settle down type and if he wasn't going to be comfortable with that he would have found someone else. I use to get a little nervous too, but I know now that if he had a problem, I wouldn't have been so patient. Thank Your husband for us for being a hero by the way.
@my3hearts (11)
• United States
19 Mar 07
We have something else in common. My childhood is exactly what made me a little more sensetive too. Good luck and love in your marriage.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Yes, I suppose you are right, it was maturity...he had no real drinking problem. My mom was an alocholic while I was growing up and I suppose I had a fear that he would be like her.
And thanks for thinking of my husband as a hero for serving our country. I know I surely do...as well as all the other soldiers.
@tallpaulno44a (1574)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Congratulations to you and to your husband. it takes real courage just to admit that you need to change, and even more courage and resolve to make those changes.
I used to be a drinker and durgger but I made the decision to change myself. it is easily the most important thing I had to do. That, plus quitting smoking, are the hardest things I have ever done.
Continue supporting your hubby in his hew life and you will both reap the rewards of a happy marriage.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Thank you very much! And congrats to you for having that same courage.
@timmack (13)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Marriage makes a big difference. You are no longer you or he, but rather you are we. Only a fool would get married and think that they could still be just them and not we. I doubt if being overseas had anything to do with the change. But rather, I suspect, he changed because he loves you. I loved my wife before I married her, but marriage gave me the impetus to do more.
@missybal (4490)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Unfortunatly for the most part I am still waiting for a person to change... mostly my mother in law. I do however believe that people do have the obillity to change and a lot of it has to do with how much love they have for the person they need to change for.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I wish you the best of luck with your mother-in-law. In-laws can be hard to get along with...just remember to have patience! :)
@TerryZ (22076)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I dont think people can change if they dont want to. They have to want to change. I use alway try to change my husband but not anymore. There is just no changing him. He is the most stubborn person on this earth.LOL Im glad for you and your husband so keep the good work up.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Thanks for your comment, TerryZ...and don't give up hope on your husband...love him despite his faults. Good luck to you!
@raphael_volts (1131)
• India
16 Mar 07
I have seen my girl friend change a lot. I believe that what force and pressure can't do that love and patience can do. I just kept loving her and kept on bending but I bet that she has changed a lot and have now learnt to bend. She loves me and she knows me now. I showed her how to change and now she has as well. She is loving me so much.
but now I have become a bit stupid and so I need to go back to my older self. But I still would like to say that what lovwe and patience can do that force and pressure can never do.
Take Care
May GOD Bless YOU
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I really like what you said...love and patience can do what force and pressure can never do...i agree with you completely!
@gianena (256)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
That's really great!!! I congratulate you and your husband. I do believe that people really change but I want that they change for the better and not for the worst. However, you can't really force someone to change if he/she does not have the heart to do it. Some people can be very stubborn and they can really stick to what they believe in. We can't do anything about that, instead of arguing with each other, just give them space to think and contemplate and hopefully they'll soon realize why they should change.
And about your question, I have proven to myself that people can really change. Before, I used to go out every night and spend too much money but I realized that what I was doing was not good for me. I was spending too much and I was already neglecting my health. Then just one fine day, I decided to put a stop on everything. I'm happy for what I did. It doesn't mean that I don't go out anymore; I do go out once in awhile and pamper myself.
I admire you and your husband for being understanding to each other and for being courageous. I wish you luck in everything. Take care.;)
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
You have a very sweet and gentle soul. Thanks for you comment...and I wish you the same happiness in life.
@Giggles88 (542)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Well I haven't been with any guys that really need to change for me to be happy. I usually try to pick the ones that I know I love for who they are now so that I won't expect them to change. I don't think it's wrong for a women to think a man should change for them as long as it's understandable for both of them.
I think anybody has the ability to change it just takes a lot of motivation to do it. Your husband was obviously very motivated by his love for you therefore he changed so you could both be happy. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. You deserve a pat on the back and so does your husband for being understanding and caring enough to change for you.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I agree with every word you said...thank you very much!
@mayank0308 (6)
• India
16 Mar 07
Well it seems many ppl despise the change......
i am a college student and, well, last 4 years were full of changes in me......
but at the end i believe the new me may not be better but still is stronger......
so change should be welcomed with a positive mindframe.......
and i think u can change if someone wants you too but only if that someone is really close to your heart.......
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Perspective can definitely change a person...their thoughts, behavior, and actions.
@ma_lorena (178)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
yes i want to congratulate you and your husband for a new and better relationship you built. yes people changes..for better..for worse.. depending on the environment and the people we are dealing of. i always pray that my husband would change his bad habit of drinking and so much happening although he doesnt forget his obligation to us in terms of our daily needs. there are times when we had a quarrel about his vices. it last about 2 weeks.. after our reconciliation, i felt he changed.. maybe reminiscing the mistakes he had done.. changes depends on the people involved. if one wants to change then he/she will do anything for the love and betterment of everyone including him/herself. again congratulation for your relationship and i do hope me and my husband will be as good as you sooner..
@kitkat1 (1227)
• Canada
16 Mar 07
My response is simple yes people can change but they can only change for themselves you are right it they change for someone else then they tend to recent the person they made the change for, they have to do it for themselves. It is not an easy thing because in order to change for oneself one must first admit the things that have to change and most people find it hard to admit negatives about themselves, that is why alot cant change. It is more like a wont change not a cant. But it is possible but it has to happen from within that person not because someone else wants it.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Very true...you have to face all you've been running from...all your problems if you want to really change.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
15 Mar 07
it's good to hear that your hubby can change his bad habits... i believe that people can change too and this happen to my hubby as well... when i was dating him, he has so many bad habits that really make me annoyed... then as i know him better, he is still hold on to his bad habits... i try to push him to change which is a big mistake... because now i realise that the more you push people, the more they rebel against you... now that i have been married with him for 15 months, i can see that he is slowly changing and becoming better and better when i start to become easier to him...
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Congrats on being married for 15 months! I know the first few years can be the most trying...I hope you both have many, many years of happiness.
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
15 Mar 07
Well if they want to change and go about taking steps to reach their goal, then yeah people can change. They have to really want to though and people who want to do something usually do it. I don't see changing as any different than any other goal. It is all about the desire, will and choices they make to get there.
I am glad for your benefit that your husband did this. If it is an improvement, one that he was willing to make then that is great.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I like how you said changing is a goal...just like any other. Very true, I never thought of it that way. Thanks.
@Gwapako_28 (2140)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
Yeah, people change. I was lost before and i stop believing God. Then my sister talk to me and she tried to explain everything why my life is rough and i dont have the reason to stop believing God.My family is the one who have the big influenced for me to change. And because of the support and love they gave me, i realized that life is wonderful and it makes me cheer up and keep moving on!
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
You are very lucky to have such a supportive family! And I'm glad that you have found the joy in life...too many people seem to be looking for that these days.
@ruelou (263)
• Philippines
15 Mar 07
Its good if people change for the better. anyone can do it as long as one decides though its hard but if willing there's no doubt to make it possible. glad to hear from you that your husband changed.
@netski_15 (423)
• Philippines
15 Mar 07
Based from my experience with the people around me, I can say the people can change. Maybe it's because they know that Change is the Law of life. That without this life is stagnant. My hubby used to be a casino addict but when our baby came out he totally stopped because he knew by then that this vice is taking him nowhere...
Personally speaking it's hard to change... But once you get the knack of it and why you are doing it, it will be easy.
@heres2thescarsUleft (313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Very good point...knowing why you are changing does make it easier. Thanks for your comment!
