I am so MAD at my daughter
By soccermom
@soccermom (3198)
United States
March 16, 2007 11:12pm CST
It is after 11pm and I was woke out of a sound sleep by my phone ringing. It was a man with a thick accent asking to speak to my husband. I told him he was asleep, what can I do for him? The man ( a russian immigrant) was calling in regards to an extremely foul message my daughter left on his answering machine. It seems his daughter is in my daughters class and her and my kid and my kids friend, who is spending the night tonite, aren't getting along. He played the message for me and I was shocked! It wasn't my daughter, but the girl who is spending the night and this message was so vulgar! F words and all. I didn't tell him it wasn't my child because it's neither here nor their, I apologized profusely and thanked him for calling. I was so hot I went in my daughters room and let her know tomorrow morning her and her friend will be calling this other girl to apologize and writing an apology to this girls parents. I'm sure I'll ground her, whether she made the call or not, she knows better. Has this ever happened to you? How dod you handle it? I am so angry at her and now I have to question her friends influence, I have wellcomed this other girl into our home and made her like one of my own because her parents could care less, but I'm SO UPSET!!!
20 people like this
50 responses
@patgalca (18174)
• Orangeville, Ontario
17 Mar 07
If she made the call from your house that evening, then your daughter was present and allowed her friend to do it, probably went along with it. So you should give your daughter a good talking to, as well as the other girl.
Good Lord! To leave a message like that on an answering machine is terrible. I would hate to come home and turn on my machine and hear that kind of message, not matter who it was directed at... even if it were a wrong number. That is unacceptable behaviour and totally disrespectful to you and your family as well as the one on the receiving end. After all, you did not correct the man and say it was not your daughter (which I really think you should have done) so both girls must pay the price and apologize.
2 people like this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
17 Mar 07
At that point in time I didn't know my daughter was not the one actually leaving the message. And even if I would have I still see no excuse for her participating in this. This man was so frustrated he called at 11pm, I was trying to sleep. I feel bad that my kid didn't know better, and although this other girl is like one of my own and I know she has problems I expected better from her too. I'm making them call and apologize to the girl and write a letter to the girls parents apologizing also. I'm also thinking of making them write a report on ethnic discrimination. This man was so upset that even if I had known my kid didn't leave the message I don't think it would've made a difference to him, it came from my household.
1 person likes this
@kurtbiewald (2625)
• United States
17 Mar 07
you should not have blamed her if she didn't make the call
blame the girl who did
just gently
maybe ask her to call and apologize maybe
they are just kids playing, no biggie I think
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
17 Mar 07
My daughter knows better and when she knew that's what was going on I expected her to put a stop to it. We don't abuse the phone or other people in our house that way. Besides the F bombs there were also some remarks left in this message about this girls nationality. Her family is Russian and just immigrated here two years ago. I'm not going to tolerate that just as I wouldn't tolerate her making slurs towards people because of their race, etc.. I blame the other girl too, but both of them know better.
2 people like this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I agree with what you say here Soccormom! While others probably think this is not such a big deal...I would feel the same way as you. They should have known better! And well if they didn't....they do now!!! You have to let them know that this kind of thing will NOT be tolerated!!!
@sunnypub (2128)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I think you handled that situation wonderfully. I would be so pissed off. I understand you not telling the guy that it was not your daughter because it really wouldn't matter. The call came from your house regardless of who made it.
I would totally make them write the apology letters, both of them. I know this other girl's parents don't really care, so telling them probably wouldn't make any difference, but I would make sure that this girl knows that if she wants to be able to come over to your house, then she better follow the rules and abide by your punishment.
I think that even though your daughter didn't make the call, she is still at fault for allowing it to happen. It is her job to make sure that her friends follow the rules while they are at your house.
You did right.
@laststand5182 (43)
• Philippines
18 Mar 07
I totally agree with what you did. Actually, you were marvelous in handling the situation. Thank goodness you cared enough for both girls to show them that such behavior is not correct and is not an accepted social norm. They may be young and not know that it was ethnic discrimination but they are also very lucky they have an adult around who cares enough to guide and correct them.
@puffin (6)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I just responded to your other thread in which you were taking in the other girl and I thought it was so awesome. Now that I hear this I must warn you that perhaps this girl might be a bad influence on your child. If it wasn't your daughter and it was her friend maybe the girl needs to go home. I feel awful for saying that but you don't want your child to be around that. Do you think your child would have done this if the other girl weren't there??? Have they done anything remotely like this before? This is definitely something to marinate on.
2 people like this
@Kasssy (107)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I feel the same as you. I would try to explain again what if the shoe was on the other foot. And do let them know that if the other girl's parents wanted to they could press charges. I would definitely ground her and stop the other girl from coming to your house for about 2 weeks so she could feel some of the punishment also. I am agreeing with the apology letter. I think that is a good idea to let them rethink the situation. Again to the parents of the other child I would definitely find out hte situation that caused allthe conflict. I would try to resolve the problem and to let them know life is to important to fool around with silly childish things that interfere with peoples lives.
2 people like this
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
18 Mar 07
What age are your daughter and her friend? I am guessing around 11 or 12 years. If this is the case, you need to sit both of them down and reprimand them that it is never right or appropriate for someone to be dissed due to their nationality or race/ethnicity. Perhaps you should also speak to your daughter's friends parents also? ?You say that her parents may leave a lot to be desired, but all the same it could be in her best interests that her parents know that she is leaving abusive and racist messages on someone's phone. I suppose they are just kids and probably acted out of stupidity rather than real badness but make it really clear to your own daughter how completely unacceptable this kind of behavior is. By the sounds of it the other girl is more to blame but you need to make sure your daughter is not influenced by this kid unduly. Good luck...
2 people like this
@smints8985 (1594)
• United States
17 Mar 07
Sometimes it takes the more responsible parents to do the task for the parents who couldn't care less.
What you did was right, it is good that you expect your daughter to put a stop to it, you taught her and brought her up so I know that you know better.
Sometimes you just have to put your foot down, so that she'll not be completely influenced by those kind of friends, cause if you just let it be and take no action, she's gonna think what they are doing is okay.
2 people like this
@ladymoonstone143 (1507)
• United States
17 Mar 07
You are just on your reaction to get mad because if someone will do this to your kid, you will get upset too. Good thing you catch this kind of mischief from them as early as now because pranks started small then it will get bigger. And you don't want that kind of behavior to influence your daughter. I would definitely be upset too, and I would tell my daughter that if this girl will lead her into trouble or some pranks, then she should start looking for another friend. We have to be vigilant who are the friends of our children because thru observation we can catch small mischiefs before they got out of hand.
2 people like this
@bethmt (419)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I don't blame you for being upset and angry.
I've never really had this happen to me, but last year our oldest son was treated very rudely by a girl that he had invited to a highschool dance. My son didn't tell me about it because I think he was embarrassed, but a couple of his friends let slip some of the things that had happened. Anyway, the girls older sister was there and told her parents and the parents had the girl write our son a note of apology. Her father even stopped by my husband's office to apologize. I have to admit it was very nice of her parents and my husband, son and I really appreciated it.
Kids need to learn that what they say can be very harmful and this will be a good chance for you and your daughter to talk about compassion and ways to resolve conflicts without resorting to ugly tactics. I understand how angry you must be but this can be a valuble learning experience for her too. I think it's a great idea what you said about the personal and written apology. You did the right thing. :)
I hope things are going better today, take care of yourself.
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
17 Mar 07
Holy cow! You hsve every right to be angry! I would be too. What a horrible thing to hear. If your daughter's friend was the one who did this, I think you have every right to be upset with both of them. Your daughter for letting it happen and her friend for using your phone to make the call.
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
17 Mar 07
Wow, how shocking and disgusting!
If your daughter was present when her friend made this call, then she deserves some punishment for being an accesory to the fact, regardless of whether she made the call or not.
Sometimes, kids go along with things that their friends do because they're scared of what they'll say if they don't go along with it.
I've never actually been in this situation, but I think if I were in your shoes I would be doing a lot of yelling and screaming right now!
I wish you all the best of luck in sorting this out.
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
17 Mar 07
No yelling and screaming, I employed the "deadly calm" voice that they both know means business. Yelling only woks on my hubby! LOL
@seagoddess28 (873)
• Canada
17 Mar 07
I think you did the right thing with both kids. You have the right attitude and your daughter should be able to absorb that from you: condoning another person's bad behaviour makes one equally guilty. And the fact that both girls were giggling at the time is further proof that some kind of warped value was attached to their behaviour at the time! When you sit them down (and I know you will be a very sensible and calm Mom when you do this) ask them (1)why they did it; (2) why they thought it was funny; and (3)ask them that if they were the ones who got the call, how would they feel and what would they suggest as punishment for such bad behaviour. Turning the tables around on them might just get them thinking, and we hope they will get some insight into why such behaviour is unacceptable. Eleven-year olds are smarter than we think--but their sense of what is right and wrong is constantly being assaulted by the available media (witness violent video games)that also serves to desensitize them to what may be hurtful to others. Good luck, SoccerMom! Like you, I was a soccer mom too...don't you love it??
@c2adams2 (351)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I did the same thing in high school, from my own phone. I called and threatened a girl who I was fueding with. OMG! Nearly got a report filed against me with the police!
You are doing the right thing because reguardless of whether or not your daughter made the call, she sanctioned it and allowed it to be made from your phone. That not only makes her liable, but you as well, since the phone is in your name. I would be furious with my children, just as my mother was furious with me! I was grounded for a month, no friends or phone, and for a week of that I was my mom's "best friend." That meant that whenever she did laundry, I did laundry. I had to sit outside the bathroom door while she used the restroom and sit in the kitchen while she cooked. She said that obviously she needed to teach me some responcibility, so I would follow around a person who doesn't make threatening phone calls! It was a week of pure torture, but let me tell you, I never even considered doing this ever, EVER again.
Good luck with your daughter and, if it helps, I managed to become a contributing member of society, even if I spent most of my life as an idiot.
2 people like this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
24 Mar 07
Good for you soccermom for making the message clear to your daughter that this behavior was not acceptable.
But I must say, I am also proud of YOU!
There are many parents out there that would have gotten upset at the caller and would have done nothing to make the situation better. Many times now, parents will start to yell at the caller and since it was not your daughter that you heard, would have been more of a reason for that parent to respond negatively.
So bravo for you at accepting the situation and getting the point across to your daughter that she and her friend was wrong. :)
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
25 Mar 07
Thanks brokentia. I think my daughter learned her lesson and I've noticed that this other girl hasn't been around as much as usual in the last week. I hate tot urn my bac on this other girl because I know she comes from a troubled household, but I heard from my daughter that this girls been picking on her this week, it sounds like it's out of jeolousy which is sad considering I treated her like one of my own. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise this girl hasn't been around, and I've noticed my daughter has had a different(better) attitude.
@lisado (1227)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I would be upset, also. Your daughter had to know it was going on if it came from your house. Even if she didn't make the call, she knew it was happening and didn't do anything to stop it. Making her and the other girl apologise is a must. Grounding is also a good idea. I honestly don't know if keeping your daughter from the other girl will do much? I am assuming they're in the same class so even if they aren't together after school they see each other at school? Banning the girl totally might just make them rebel and just gang up on the girl at school? I know that when my parents didn't let me play with someone we would get together at school just to "prove" we could be friends and there was nothing mom would do about it. Depends on her age and defiance levels, I guess? I certainly wouldn't let my daughter go to the other girl's house so that if they DO spend time together you can at least keep an eye on them at your house since the other girl's parents don't care about what happened.
Good luck! I'd be ticked, too! What did your husband say when he found out?
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
17 Mar 07
He just told them he was disappointed and left it at that, he knows how angry I was and couldn't punish them anymore than I am. The feared words int his house are "wait until you deal with your mother." since I am usually the most liberal one when they have to deal with me they know it won't be good! LOL
@UmmBinyamin (419)
• United States
17 Mar 07
Oh wow i have heard stuff like that....its a sleepover thats wat they do u just better be glad u didnt let her spend the nite over the toher parents house u would have been really really mad then
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
17 Mar 07
She's not ever allowed at the other girls house because of the environment their. That's why this girl has become like adaughter to me. My family is the only stabilty she has.
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
17 Mar 07
Oh yes, this calls for some sort of punishment. Obviously both girls wer in on it, even if only one left the actual message. I would sit them both down and talk to them, then have them go and apologize to the other family. I would also call the girl's mother and tell her what happened. Finally, I would tell your daughter that she's grounded for a certain period of time and she's not allowed to play with the other girl for a while.
Wow- sounds like you had a bad night all around. I hope today goes better for you, soccermom!
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I'm going to deal with it myself and not tell the other girls mom, for it is almost certain her mother will not handle it for what it is and she will get beaten. I have no doubt about that. I know this will sound odd but these two grls are best friends and they have been good for each other, I'm not going to seperate them. I'm just going to be certain they both learn a lesson from this.
@anna_82 (115)
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
your daughter must be in her teenage years.we are already expecting the same problems like yours, when our daughter grows up. i think its normal or common in teenagers to be aggressive and do naughty things, especially they are in stage of personality confusion. of course we are praying that our daughter doesn't do such things, but its better to be prepared while they are young we should not grew tired on teaching them good lessons in life. well i think you should talk to her nicely like a friend. set a side your anger and focus on how can you change her to be better. most of them might have grievances or problems they're keeping. that's why they intend to show it outside/others. most important you should pray and ask God's help to strength in your family and guide your children. be strong my friend. :)
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
17 Mar 07
She's 11. So please satrt praying for me now because if she's like this already I don't even want to imagine what I'll be dealing with a few years from now!
@hgaldes (24)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I think that you have every right to be upset. I would be. I think that regardless of who did it both of the girls should be held accountable. It would have been one thing if your daughter tried to stop her or came to you right away to tell you. But it sadly seems as though she were in on it too. I would make sure that I tell the other girls parents as well. Not in a I am so upset with your kid kind of way but as I parent I think you should know what the kids did last night sort of way. If at all possible I would make them apologize in person - much harder and will have a much greater impact. My kids are just 3 and 5 - Can not wait until I am in your shoes! :-)
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