Ever thought of divorce?

United States
March 17, 2007 10:56pm CST
I have been married for 13 years and with him for 14. I love him but he has some really bad habits. I don't mean his "chew" or leaving his sucks all over. I mean he doesn't respect me. He doesn't see me as a adult. He sometimes treats me as a child, yelling and making demands. He takes my things, unplugs things that I am using, and will refuse to go to work. I have thought about leaving him but for what? I am not saying I couldn't live without him. I can. This doesn't happen every night but a few times every 6 months. I was just wondering, have you ever thought about divorce about a huge fight?
5 people like this
23 responses
• Canada
18 Mar 07
Hi Connie, I generally find that reason only works on someone who is reasonable. I'm sure you 've tried to sort this out with your mate but find he gives you a blank stare and then continues his behaviour. If you have some family you could stay with on a temporary basis, I would tell him that certain behaviors have to change and that, if they don't, you'll be moving out. You may have to move out before he takes you serioulsy. Men are action-oriented and I've always found that action gets their attention far more than words. Let him have to fend for himself for a few days or weeks and when he's personally impacted, he may decide that acting more constructively will be easier in the long run. I remember when I was first married and the washing machine kept leaking. I had to mop floors and haul water, all with a bad back. I pleaded with my new husband to get the washing machhine fixed but he would just get angry. Then my sister gave me an excellent strategy. She said: "You won't get his attention until he is personally affected. The next time the thing leaks, go to bed and tell him you aren't cleaning up the mess, that it's more than you can cope with. I did this and also didn't make dinner, but just stayed in bed. My husband spent 2 hours mopping up floors and wringing out wet clothing. The very next day, the washing machine was fixed!!!!
• United States
18 Mar 07
Thank You so much for sharing. I would believe that my hubby won't do unless it effects him. I have lots of examples where I put up with lots and then he got effected and fixed it. My story is the dryer. He got me a new one when his laundry wouldn't dry fast enough. I have to say. I am OK today. He come home from work only mildly in a bad mood. Maybe I should slip him a sleeping pill in the morning.
• United States
18 Mar 07
I don't know. Might be. Work is hard in 12 hour shifts.
• United States
23 Mar 07
Once your mind is there, it means there is trouble in a marriage. Nothing to do with love. You must try to communicate and work it out. If that doesn't work, then you need professional help. If that doesn't work, then you are stuck with the decision if you rather live with him, or live on your own. Weigh the issues of good and bad reasons to stay or leave. Then make up your mind and do something and work at it. Good luck sugar, blessings. M&M
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 07
Thank You! I know what ya mean. That little divorce monster moves in and you start thinking this is a easy way out. I don't think I am ready to give in just yet.
• United States
19 Mar 07
Oh wow...guess I am not the only one who thinks like this. There are times I would just like to chuck it all and not even try anymore....I get sooooooo tired of being thought of as someone who does NOTHING all day long. I mean come on, who does he think does the cooking, cleaning and laundry? The good faery??? Most of the time, I dont' think men have a clue as to how to reach over to a womans side to understand them. I know my hubby had a horrible first marriage and a bad previous relationship before we married. His childhood growing up wasn't anything to write home about either. And while, together, we are working on his issues (as well as some of mine!) with a therapist, I would be lying if I said I didn't think about divorce a time or 2...especially after a rather intense arguement. I think the fact that we still love these men and that we can see their good points is why we still stay and besides, after having so many years invested in a marriage, why leave? I know that I have almost 8 years invested in this marriage and I want to make it work. Hey I could live without him but I wouldn't want to. He is like the other half of me...my soulmate...my counterpart.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Mar 07
Thank You! My hubby had a horrible first marriage too. Well we both did. Most days I do count my blessing but the other day. LOL I think of Hubby as my soulmate most days but he usually isn't around. Thank You again.
@dpk262006 (56760)
• Delhi, India
19 Mar 07
Connie, I can understand your frustation and anger on being yelled and being insulted. Certainly, the bad habits in your hubby would be driving your crazy and you are also a normal human being, so feeling of divorce comes into your mind, is quite normal. But I think divorce may not solve the problem. You can just talk to him about his negative habits and can tell him that you do not like it and his bad habits effect your mind very badly. I would suggest whenever you get upset after a fight with him, just think about his positive traits (qualities) and try to make yourself understand this aspect that everybody has got minus and plus points. Just think of a Rose, how beautiful flower it is, but it has very sharp thorns on its stems, if you are not cautious, thorns can cause you lot of harm. Well, whenever, there is fight between me and my partner.........it surely upsets me........but I do not think of divorce..........thinking that divorce is not a solution, instead divorce will further complicate my life. Keep your mind cool and whenever there is fight, try to divert your mind somewhere else.
• United States
19 Mar 07
Thank You! I will try that. At least it don't happen to often. He will be off the next 2 days so I will see how it goes. I am not worried. I might not come on here as often.
• United States
19 Mar 07
I don't think you are suppose to be contemplating divorce "over a huge fight" but perhaps you need to be looking a little deeper to the core of the problem. Basically, you are not respected by your spouse. You are equal partners in this relationship. Both responsible for maintaining and growing it. When your partner treats you as a child, yells, and exherts control over you by unplugging something you are using, this is your partners way of says " I am the boss in this relatioship. You will do as I say. What you think, feel, or want is of no concern to me" I am not a participant in your life so my motives are pure. Honey get him straightened out or get out. If he is not going to change how he treats you ( up to you to demand it) then don't be surprised if his behavior doesn't escalate to the physical relm.
• United States
19 Mar 07
He would never hit me. He knows I would hit back and then that would be a HUGE mistake on his part. I think this fight was just a wake up call. I asked for advice and I got it. Thank You! I never really thought about it as him trying to show me who is boss. I am always home and the kids come to me. I think I might want to try a little harder for the next 2 days.
@mansha (6301)
• India
18 Mar 07
I read through yopur discussion and responses. know I have never thought of divorce myself but did threatend it once when he wanted me to abort a child and I didn't so in anger I did decide to leave but then he came around and I went ahead with my baby thing. Only thing I can see is yes you are in an abusive relationship. whatever you decide do think a lot and do it for yourself. do you know kids raised in abusive relationships exhibhit those behavior later in their relationships too. I found this site for you just go through it and find out how many yes you can answer http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm do get help for yourself and for your kids too.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Mar 07
Thank You! I will go to that site now. Things were better when he got up for work. We barely spoke but that is normal for us.
@WyldPnut (74)
• United States
18 Mar 07
Well I too found myself unhappy after 12 years of marriage. I complained to anyone who would listen and questioned my next move until I made myself dizzy. Finally my parents said "If you are not happy,you are the only one with the power to change it." You basically have three options. 1. Accept is as part of your life and live with it. 2. Demand respect and do whatever it takes to feel good in this relationship. Meaning seek counseling or whatever may be needed to work through it. 3. Make up your mind that you deserve better. Leave the abusive relationship and seek happiness. Life is to short to spend being unhappy,miserable,abused and degraded. Whatever you decide to do ..empower yourself..be strong..don't whine! Best of luck to you.
• United States
18 Mar 07
That is wonderful advice. Thank You so much!
• India
18 Mar 07
yes, I can understand your problem. And I have also felt it many times. Sometimes I also get so frustrated that I also wonder I do I stay with him. By the way, I have been married for 18 years. I also love him. It is difficult to imagine life without him. You know, when you live with a person for so many years, they grow into us. We have to accept them with all their silliness, irresponsibilities and the unfairness of it all.
• United States
18 Mar 07
I do understand that. How do you keep from going nuts? Do you work? Do you go on holiday? What is the secret of 18 years?
• India
18 Mar 07
Hey miss, i don't who r u ...but i would just suggest u that v must b co-operative , like many small things in our lives , wich v ignore bcomes very big in future.....u said that u love him but u can live without him,i dont think so ,because if u love him truely then u cannot leave .....u both hav a relationship of heart n u htink u can easily break this with the help of juzz stupid bits of papers....remember onething, that making relationships takes a lot of time but 2 break it ...juzz a single second is enough.....
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 07
Thank You! You have a point.
• United States
18 Mar 07
Several decades ago a famous actress, (I can't remember who) who had been married for something like 40 years, was being interviewed about her life and career. Eventually, the conversation was taken to the secret of a long marriage. The interviewer asked, "Haven't you at least ever even thought about divorce?" The actress replied," Divorce? NEVER!; MURDER, many times!"
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 07
That is funny. Thank You! I needed that laugh. You got a + for it.
@naty1941 (2336)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I have been divorced twice. I will not put up with emotional abuse. It is not worth it. However, I went to see a Marriage and Family Counselor before I got a divorce. Good Luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 07
I have actually thought about that. I could go alone if he were to refuse. Thanks!
@Tx_Wahm (69)
• Dallas, Pennsylvania
19 Mar 07
I have been there and done that scene. It is hard and you sometimes think to yourself..he doesn't hit me , he doesn't beat me he doesn't do other things and is there really somethin wrong here or is it just me? so why do I want to leave and what would I leave for? Well, I was once told that if you think about leaving then there is something wrong. So think it all through and do what is truely best for you.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Mar 07
I've been married for 4 years but have been physically separated from my husband for 2 years now and we have no more communication in any form whatsoever. We decided to separate ways after the 4th time he physically hit me, I thought, "hey, I cannot live this life anymore". Mainly because, I quit my job for him, I stayed in the house all day for him everyday, cooking his meals, washing and ironing his clothes, cleaning the house, waiting for him everyday, alone... And yet, when he goes home drunk of unhappy, he hits me; or when a fight is in heat, he'll give the punch. Divorce or even legal separation was not really an option for me because of some church issues, but I've been thinking a lot about divorce nowadays... I'm here, living alone, like a free and single woman, and yet, tied and imprisoned in a legal vow... If I find myself in company with another man, I feel so guilty, like an unfaithful wife, eventhough I know my husband is with another person right now... Nope, I'm still confused right now. I don't know yet if I should go for it or not.
@nbelle (17)
• Philippines
19 Mar 07
It is normal to think about divorce when you're having a great fight with your partner. But when things go right again the feeling of separation will go. I think it is better to think about divorce when things are right because that way you can think best because you are not in a situation that can aggravate the feeling of separation. Most of the time decisions are not right when you are emotionally depress or you are anger. But for me the best thing to do is to ask God for guidance when you are in a situation that you think you cannot handle.
1 person likes this
@Joslyn77 (374)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I have been married for going on 15 years and I have thought of divorce a few times. He just drives me crazy sometimes. He has a very big social life and sometimes that gets in the way of our family time. Things have been way better,but what I think about the most is when the kids are all grown and doing their own thing,will I still have anything in common with the guy I married?
@stormygrl (763)
• United States
18 Mar 07
Yes quite a bit lately. We really don't get along and if he doesn't get his way he sulks.I find I just don't like him.Then there's the fear of starting on your own, money wise and leaving a house with both names on it and two teens still at home .Just not sure, good luck on your end.
1 person likes this
• Saint Lucia
18 Mar 07
i havent been married for a very long time, but little things makes me think about leaving also. sometimes no matter how long u have been together, when it comes down to it, its all about you, making yourself comfortable and happy and have peace of mind, beacause if you cant give yourself all these things no one else will
• United States
18 Mar 07
i have been married for last 6 years. in the first years of marriage we had lots of fight because we are expecting too much from each other.but years passed we became friends and fights are also reduced. then i was ignoring all his bad things accept him as he is. to make marriage successful you have to compromise things otherwise your's will suffer.don't think about divorce.meet a marriage council try to settle down your's problems with your husband.
18 Mar 07
Connie, I am sorry to say but you don't even know what is love. DIVORCE IS NOT A SOLUTION OF this type of things, he loves you, but the problem is he can't show his love as you want. You should talk to him as a good friend, please don't get devorce just for a such a kind of reason that he makes a fun of you. I am a son of devorsed parents, and I know It always hurt me, that My parents get devorce after 12 years of love marriage just for some of stupit reasons. PLEASE GOD SAKES TALK TO HIM, I WILL PRAY TO GOD FOR BLESSING YOU BOTH, PLEASE DON'T GET DEVORCE, HE LOVES YOU but after successful 13 or 14 years he want to enjoy again a life with you as a children thats why he is showing childhoodness. Please be with him. GOD BLESS YOU.
• United States
18 Mar 07
If your parents divorced, it probally wasn't for a stupid reason. I am sorry that you were raised in 2 homes but it might have been better for them. I have to think about a lot of things. It's not like I am going to really put all his horrible bad habits on here. There are a lot. If I thought for one minute that a seperation was better, I would be gone. Divorce is the solution if it fixes what is wrong. I am divorced once before. I did not go into it lightly. I wanted to find out how many others have thought about divorce. Thinking and doing is 2 different things. And as for love, that is neither here nor there. I made my bed when I got pregnant after 2 weeks together and now I have to lay in it.
• Philippines
19 Mar 07
No, i dont think so.. And besides, i am not thinking about it as im never been married yet! But ifever that i am married now, and me and my wife had a huge fight.. Ahmmmmm i think ill think about that devorce, but we have to consider that devorce is not a solution, you guys can work it out and stay together forever if you'll know how to give and take with each other! Have a nice day ahead mah friend!