Ever been MAD at SOMEONE and then they DIED?

United States
March 19, 2007 9:36am CST
How do you deal with the fact that first of all you are mad at them and then they die, but to have someone die knowing that the last time you spoke to them you spoke to them with hate or meanness? This is very real to me, my mother (who I love to death) and I had some really hard years apart and with that said we rarely spoke, the week before she passed away I called her and spoke to her and when I hung up I cried for a very long time wishing that she would accept me and love me as much as she loved her other children, I never had the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me or how much she made me into the person I am today or to thank her for everything she did for me, a week later she died of a massive heart attack, it has been 2 year now and I still have problems dealing with her death. How about you, ever had this happen to you? It is so true what they say, never stay angry with anyone you never know how long they will be with us.
7 people like this
12 responses
• Canada
20 Mar 07
I can relate to your feelings of grief and guilt. For the longest time, I found it very difficult to talk with my father, and I could not really open up to my mother why I felt uncomfortable with him. I found out that he had other women (children, too)and my heart was torn in two when I found out. When I was small, I had a very clear recollection of going with my mother to look for him because he had not been home for a while. My mother was in tears and because I was probably only three or four, I could not walk very fast and ended up being dragged along and falling on the sidewalk, scraping my knees. That pain was nothing like finding about the reality (!) of my father's infidelity on my own. We (my then-husband and myself) visited him right after we were married (he was assigned to a far-off location for his job) and I took it upon myself to fix up his closet. In one of the drawers I found a pair of ladies' undies and a baby sleeper. Needless to say I was devastated. It is a completely different feeling to experience a parent's infidelity when you are older than when you are young, and especially when you are a newlywed. The feeling of betrayal strikes to your core, because when you have just been married, you are still in that total, cocooned-secure-in-your-love feeling, and the intimacy you enjoy in your own relationship is a stark contrast to "theirs." And your loyalty to your mother becomes even more fierce: How could he do this to my mother??? How DARE he do this to MY mother???!!! For the longest time I felt like a fraud, because my father would call me maybe four times a year, and in closing he would always say "I love you" and I could barely choke out "me too." I got pretty messed up in my head, and my marriage suffered because I could not divorce my feelings of betrayal as a daughter from my feelings for my husband. To my ex-husband's credit he was very patient with me. but the scars went deeper than both of us thought. When my marriage went under, I started reading a lot of self-help books and uncannily, the majority of those books focused on forgiveness as the cornerstone for one's own healing. It was extremely difficult, but baby steps were better than nothing. At least I did not choke as much, or hyperventilate, when talking to my father. I got a call one morning at work that he passed on, and I completely lost it. My intense grief duelled with a weird feeling of vindictiveness, which made me feel even worse. It took a while for the pain to go away, and it has only been a few months that I can even think about my father without falling apart. I did talk to him, and I did tell him I loved him, but my guilt comes from feeling like a fake for not telling him that I knew, and that I hated him for it, and for not being forgiving enough to know and love him anyway. I am still working things out, trying my best to heal myself, because I realize that the pain, the guilt, and the regret at not coming out and telling him that I knew, was because I did not want to rock the boat. Did my sense of justice become warped because I "made nice?" I think so. Did my split personality and split loyalties make me uncomfortable? It felt like my heart was constantly being sliced I couldn't breathe. Slowly, and with the help of the wonderful books I have read by Louise Hay, John Edward, Sylvia Browne, etc., I have begun to forgive my parent, and in so doing, I have begun my own healing. Do not hold on to your feelings of guilt. You felt how you felt because at that time that was how you felt. You are human. We are all human. Your mother, yourself, we all are. We are spirits too, don't forget. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. The thought that helps me through a lot of the rough patches is that my parents are spirits too, just like myself, and we all have to work out our own truths, through our own experience, and we chose to surround ourselves with other souls who would bring out the best in us, although in a roundabout way. Diamonds get their brilliance and fire from being ground and polished; so it is for us. My prayers are with you, and for all those like us who have to cope with our loss at the same time that we are coping with our guilt. God bless!
• United States
20 Mar 07
Thank you for your contribution and sharing it with us
@marciascott (25552)
• United States
19 Mar 07
That is kind of sad. I always tell people thast I care about that I love them. because noone know how long they will be here, and if you are mad at someone make up with them.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Mar 07
I have come to the understanding that life cannot always be happy and wonderful, it has it ups and downs and allows us to be challenged, these challenges is what makes the person we are today, I am blessed. Thanks for contributing
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8517)
• Sweden
19 Mar 07
I am sos orry for your loss. I can imagie that this is hard for you, however u still need to know that she is looking down on you and she knows that this anger has passed and that u did love her. it is true though like u say, we should try to work things out with our loved ones instead of waiting coz you never know...
2 people like this
• United States
19 Mar 07
Thanks Marie, I try to remember that everyday. Thanks for contributing
1 person likes this
@Monkish (95)
• United States
20 Mar 07
No, but tell her now. Even though a deceased loved one is physically gone, they are still there. watching over you. They know that you love them. She knows. Trust me, I know. Just speak...like she is still there to her. Address her like you did when she lived. She can still hear you regardless of the seperation of body and spirit. Her spirit is still around you....She loves you...Just tell her you love her and she will hear you.
2 people like this
@TerryZ (22083)
• United States
19 Mar 07
Yes its normal to feel that way because you really miss them that why. I went through but after alittle while I realized how crazy it was and living happy again.
• Singapore
19 Mar 07
Not yet. But I hope never.. this would be so tragic if you decide that you are not mad at them anymore..
2 people like this
• United States
22 Mar 07
Yes, I spent 12 years angry at my best friend for her using of manipulation tactics on me to sabotage my relationship with the man that is now my husband of 13 years. I never thought I'd be forgiving her at her grave, but it happens. It sucks to have to live with that, too, btw.
1 person likes this
@missyd79 (3438)
• United States
21 Mar 07
i have a similar situation but not that i said mean things, but growing up my father was not in my life when i was 24 i started to get to know him, but it was a rocky relationship, we would see each other at some family functions and talk and stuff but it was hard for me to get over the years growing up with out him. Then august of 2005 (i was about to turn 26) my father got very ill and was diagnosised with termial cancer of the mouth and throat and on top of that he had demensia. So i would spend as much time with him in the hospital even though he didn't know who i was ecause of the demensia. In late september of 2005 they moved him to hospice in a nursing home that was an hour away from me. So it was hard for me to get down to see him, November 1 2005, he passed away and to this day I always wonder if he knew that i forgave him for the past and that i loved him.
1 person likes this
@Gwapako_28 (2142)
• Philippines
20 Mar 07
Not yet! And i hope it will happen to me especially to my xhusband.Lol!I really wanted him to die. And from this moment, since last 2004, i do really mad at him and i hate him!
@CatEyes (2448)
• United States
20 Mar 07
No, I have not but I worry about that all of the time. I know it can happen to anyone but I have to keep it in perspective. I think they know how you really feel when they pass on, and I know that if my mother passed (we are not on good terms or even speaking) she will know what is in my heart. She will understand that life got in the way and her abuse is the reason why.
1 person likes this
@emjay9 (249)
• Philippines
20 Mar 07
fortunately not yet. whatever that is you're going thru maybe all you need is to free yourself. Maybe it's guilt or regret that you are feeling but at some point you have to let go. where ever she is i know she feels how sorry you are and she wouldn't be happy seeing you not living life to the fullest. i know it's hard but you have to let go. i wish you well (=
@anup12 (4180)
• India
19 Mar 07
Not yet.