Does anyone actually love their mother in laws?
By hopefoo
@hopefoo (1145)
Malaysia
March 21, 2007 12:43pm CST
I've watched movies about mean mother in laws. I've had friends complaining to me about their mother in laws. My bf and I aren't married yet but I'm not getting along very well with his mom. First of, we don't speak the same language (literally). She speaks 2 forms of dialect..Foochow and Mandarin..while I speak mainly Hokkien and even though I understand and can speak both, I pretend not to just to get out of conversations.
She's 68 years old and hates my tattoos which I can totally understand. She doesn't like the fact that I only eat one meal a day and thinks that I might starve her son. She's Methodist and totally doesn't condone to me being RC. I mean, IT'S THE SAME GOD FOR EFF'S SAKE!
Of course, infront of her I don't really say anything (besides, I'm not supposed to know how to speak Mandarin or Foochow) Who'd wanna make their mother in laws angry anyway?
I'm just wondering if there's anyone out there who has a great relationship with their mother in laws? Do you guys get to hang out together?? My mom and I are pretty close and we get to hang out together a lot (though she likes going to church more than shopping).
What do you think I should do? Should I start speaking her language and be all nice? Should I conform to her norms? Do you?
16 people like this
63 responses
@aleez_29 (51)
• Malaysia
21 Mar 07
to be honest... i love my mother in law very much. She's a very caring person and i can even feel that she love me too. Eventho we speak different languages as she can only speaks english a little bit, i can still sensed her love tru her gestures. Whenever i had intensed argument with my hubby, she will always be there for me... and he would grumbled that she loves me much more than her own son :D I must admit that i m very lucky to have her as my mother in law. Difference in race and ethncity, religion, cultures and beliefs did not interfere with the love bond that we have. I thank God for giving her as my MIL.. Love u mom :*
2 people like this
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
21 Mar 07
Is your mother in law on MyLot? I'll bet she is. She is isn't she? LOL! I'm glad you have a great relationship with your MIL. I think I wanna make it work but as it's very hard at the moment. Good luck and thank you too, for telling me that it could work!
1 person likes this
@aleez_29 (51)
• Malaysia
21 Mar 07
hahaha she's not on myLot dear.. as she can speaks english a little only :D But sincerely I love her. Give it sometime foo.. it will work out... take it step by step.
p/s: i m the only daughter in law for the time being hehehe may be that's why she loves me so much :D
1 person likes this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I am a mother in law, and I can tell by your post that you are really not trying very hard to cultivate a good relationship. I have 2 daughter in laws and I can tell you that I love them very much, I take their side and include them in all family functions. If you should marry this boy he will resent eventually your treatment of his mom. For the sake of future grand children you really have a duty to make the way for good comunication, you very well might need her support at some time. If you were conversing with her the differences you each have may not be so big. No one wants you to conform to anything other than showing your boyfriends mother that you are a good person worthy of her child.
I take great lengths to understand and spend time with my daughters and that is what they are. At least give her a fighting chance to like you. From your post I am not sure you are giving her anything but a wall.
2 people like this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
21 Mar 07
You know Sugar, Mothers are very human too, We have raised and protected our "CUBS" viciously, we have fought for them, cried over them, worried, fed them, provided as much love and protection as we could. So when they bring new ladies into our lives we have to size them up. And trust me we do not fall in love with you the way our sons did. Its takes time, and really doesn't all respect and trust come from being earned. I wish you much luck in your future. Just be kind and non judgemental, she will come around. And if she does not you will then know you have done your best to make it happen.
2 people like this
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
21 Mar 07
I want you for a mother in law. Actually, you're right. I'm not trying hard enough. I don't know how to. She scares me to bits, that's one thing. Now, instead of trying harder to be closer, I actually move further away. 2000 miles to be exact. *sigh* Will go back in a month to see if anything changes. This is actually the first time that I have to deal with her. Prior to this, we were living in Shanghai..again, away from her. I'll try harder..in due course.
1 person likes this
@lpetges (3036)
• United States
21 Mar 07
before my son was married, i assumed i would be the greatest motherinlaw on earth. i love my kids, and don't have the nicest one myself, so as the years have gone by, i've taken mental notes on what made me upset with my motherinlaw, so that i would not be the same to my daughterinlaw.. that is all good in thought, but when it happens in real life, not the same. you see, the daughterinlaw is not your daughter, and your son is no longer "your" son, so this is a whole new ballgame for me. i try my hardest to be quiet, and not do anything to make her feel unwanted or unloved, but boy she is a tough one to please... so coming from a motherinlaw, and also being a daughterinlaw.. i would say that neither is a great position to be in.
2 people like this
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
22 Mar 07
But you tried. I think what you said is very true. I'm not her daughter and maybe she thinks I'm taking her son away. Him being the youngest and all..I will have to try harder. It's not going to be easy but atleast, 20 years down the road..I can say that I've tried. Wish me luck!! LOTS OF IT lol
1 person likes this
@juiceofine (144)
• United States
21 Mar 07
my mother in law is awesome! You got a toughy i really dont know waht to say,be yourself if she dont like it oh well!
@myahw20 (1115)
• Canada
21 Mar 07
Im not yet married but I am already somehow close to my (hopefully) "future mother-in-law" haha.
I do try to communicate with her as often as I can. Sometimes I talk to her more than my bf does hehe..like there are somethings I know that he doesn't hehe...I think you just have to reach out to them and really catch their hearts by doing something they would like. Befriend them and show them your sincerity. Lucky me that even though for my past relationships, I've got along well with my ex's parents..Though on the other hand..my boyfriend is the one having a hard time with my parents haha..
2 people like this
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
22 Mar 07
Mine totally works the other way round. My bf has a great relationship with my mom (though not with my dad) and they're constantly teaming up together, scheming to make me eat more vegetables and going to church and all that. LOL i envy you girl!
1 person likes this
@jhartana (1084)
• Australia
22 Mar 07
To be honest with all of you, I don't mlike my mother in law. She's worst when she feel pissed off and she throws chilly words at me and my family as well. I don't contact her anymore and my wife not allowed to talk to her mother because she married to the one she hates.
1 person likes this
@KimMaple (1195)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I am probably going to be in the minority here, but I get along with my MIL really good.
My mom passed away going on 9 yrs ago and my dad remarried and has nothing to do with me or my kids, so my inlaws are like my parents now.
They gave us 12 acres and we built a house down from them, so yeah we live by them. We have our distance hehe.
My kids love their grandparents, since they didn't know my mom or my dad.
I admit, some days MIL gets on my nerves but I can walk away from them LOL.
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
22 Mar 07
Yeap! I hear ya. Since I'm going to be in the family so to speak, I suppose I will have to atleast try. I think the first thing I'll do is buy her something traditional and nice..like bird's nest. Old women loves bird's nest. Okay, old Chinese women. Oh well, it'll be a month before I go back again. Will keep everyone posted. Thanks, I need all the luck I can get right now..and a whole lot of willpower too. *laughs* Atleast when all is said and done, I can say that I tried even if it doesn't work out that great, right? right! go Hope!
@brideofchristnj (30)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I adore my future MIL and I have spent enough time with her to be able to determine that, yes :) I had a really horrible relationship with my mom growing up (well a horrible relationship with both my parents) and my fiance and his family are honestly the sweetest, closest, warmest, loving family Ive ever met. My FMIL treats me wonderfully, talks to me about anything, gives me cards to cheer me up, remembers my birthday, and is just always there for me and has welcomed me into her home with open arms. Not to mention I really love his whole family, and they are Christians, as are my fiance and I, which makes it an even bigger plus for me. The problem for me is not do I get along with my MIL, but can my mom stand the fact that I love my MIL and his family and hate my own family - that's another topic lol!
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5016)
• United States
22 Mar 07
My mother in law passed away not too long ago. I loved her but did not get see her much as we lived on opposite sides of the country. We had a little trouble with the language. She spoke Japanese most of the time. She could speak English too but as she was getting older and sicker she reverted back to Japanese most of the time. We wrote back and forth most of the time instead of by phone. She was different than me though. She was a much better housekeeper and not as dog crazy as I am so I don't know that we had a lot in common but she was a very sweet little lady.
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I tried being nice to my future mother-in-law. I tried for over two years to be nice to her. But she's just a disgusting, miserable b*tch and I'm done with her. I don't speak to her or see her, ever. I have no desire to do so. I might ucss her out or something. I hate all of my fiane's family, but I hate her the most.
She actually *screamed* at me for not wanting to take a ride from her to pick up something from my house when I was at their apartment. I didn't want to bother her since she'd been up all day and night working and cooking and she actually SCREAMED at me for it. It upset me so much that I started bawling crying in right front of her and she didn't care at all! She just kept yelling at me. She's nuts!
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
22 Mar 07
She screams at anyone if they don't do or think exactly what she tells them to. No matter what it's about. She *has* to be right at all times.
She's just a nasty b*tch. Oh, well.
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
22 Mar 07
Harsh! Why'd she scream at you I wonder? I mean, you're just trying to be considerate, afterall. Maybe she got insulted and thinks that you think she has a crappy car LOL. Does she? Honestly hahahah :) I guess relationships are like that..some work out..some do not.
@ladyjava (1184)
• Malaysia
23 Mar 07
I get on great with my MIL.. although she has 4 daughters of her own, I don't feel like I am an outsider. In fact sometimes she confide to me about her daughters... and you know what.. when she knew I was gonna go back to SG, she bought me this "Tempoyak" that was soo fantastic for me to bring back to my mom!
I really think you should give your future MIL a chance, like someone said here.. she did not fall in love with you the way her son did.. she need to assess you first..to see that you are indeed deserving of her son...
Speak her language, you might find her opening up and who know.. you'll get another mom :)
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
23 Mar 07
You know it babeh! Wah! So nice, your mother in law confides in you about her other daughters! JEALOUS! One day I'll show you a pic of my future MIL. She's scary. Baba Nyonya style scary. Your MIL made the tempoyak herself? I love those! YUM!~
1 person likes this
@Giggles88 (542)
• United States
22 Mar 07
That's a good question. I've always wondered the oppisite of what your asking. Every boyfriend I've been with I had a great relationship with their moms. My boyfriend's mom now is just the sweetest lady I've ever met and I would be flattered to be her daughter in-law. His step-dad is great too. He also gets along great with my parents. I don't know what makes any in-laws to hate each other but I know it happens a lot.
As for what you should do that's a little harder. Maybe you should start talking to her and be as nice as you can so she thinks more of you. It's hard to tell you how to get along with her though. It might never happen but just remember you love you boyfriend no matter what his mom is like. GOOD LUCK!!!
1 person likes this
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
22 Mar 07
Thank you for wishing me good luck, first of all. And reading your reply, I so envy you right now. In my case, I know that I should try but I'm scared to bits of her. You're right of course, I love my bf no matter what his mom is like, but I hate the fact that she's always around..so I dragged him all the way here with me..LOL I think that just made it worst. Meh..I'll have to go back and try harder.
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
21 Mar 07
To tell you the truth, my MIL makes it very hard to love her. In the almost ten years I have been married, I have had little to do with her. One minute she loves me, the next she hates me. I have always been polite and respectful to her, even when she was at her nastiest. It's not just me either, she has four sons, including my husband, and she treats all of her DILs the same. One time we were at their house, and she was talking bad about the other DILs, and when we left, I said to my hubby, 'I wonder if she talks about me that way?'
I just think that she believes that no one is good enough for her boys.
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
21 Mar 07
I like the way you put it. "Not good enough for her boys". I believe it's the same case with my bf's mom. Maybe noone will be good enough for her precious son. Ack! Oh well..I'm so glad to be so far away from her right now. I know, it's mean but it's just such a relief!
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I am sure there are mothers like that. I feel bad about that kind of situation. And If you have made every effort to get along with her, and had your husband talk to her, then I also would just leave it alone. I just want all of my boys to be happy, and if they are then I am all the more happy.
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I'm a mother-in-law also, and I think because my MIL is the way she is, I try to be the best MIL I can be.
My DIL and SIL may not be the people I would have picked for my children, but they are the ones my children picked, and I have to respect that. As long as they are happy, that's what counts. Being married to my children, makes them a part of my family, and they are also the mother and father of my grandchildren.
Amazingly, I think the best example I had was my ex MIL. Even though I have been divorced from her son for many years, she still counts me as family, she always treated me well, and I love her. This is a woman who called me after I left her son and said, "I don't blame you at all for leaving him." She is a smart lady.
I just wish my present MIL was as easy to get along with.
1 person likes this
@KarenO52 (2950)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I do love my mother-in-law, although at first, I was pretty scared of her. After 35 years of marriage to her son, she has become as dear to me as my own mother, who passed away 7 years ago.
Over the years, she has helped me when I was sick, helped me take care of my kids, taught me how to cook, cheered me up when I was down, made me the best birthday cakes, taught me how to can my own tomatoes, etc. I guess we just eventually got used to each other.
I grew up in Chicago, where I met my husband. He was from a very small town in Ohio. When we got married, we moved in with his parents for a year until we could afford our own place. She always treated me well, and hardly complained about anything I did.
I don't think you should try to conform to your future in-laws rules, just be yourself, have love in your heart, and in time you should get used to each other and even love each other as family.
As for hanging out together, we don't like a lot of the same things, but we do spend time enjoying family parties and holidays together.
Good luck to you.
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
22 Mar 07
I agree with lpetges! You are one lucky woman. I am scared to bits of my soon to be MIL. She's old school, very traditional. My tattoos doesn't help much either. But that being said..and after reading all the replies to the post, I am going to try to be closer to her. Maybe she'll teach me how to cook. I must admit, she's a great cook! LOL
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
22 Mar 07
my mother and law really loves me, she is great, she is in her 80's and a speaks a different language and she is a different religion, but she thinks I am the best thing that ever happened to her son. I love her too, she is really sweet and we communicate the best we can.
1 person likes this
@moonshadow68 (723)
• United States
22 Mar 07
My mother in law and I started out on different planes of existence. She was always nice to me, but she just had a very different way of life. But over the years I have found that she will protect my interests more fiercely than anyone else. I guess cause she only had sons and I am the mother of her only grandchild, she treats me like a daughter.
It got a lot better when she realized her son and I were adults not children, Now, she does want to hang out...I still try to avoid that 'cause while I love her, hanging out with her bores me to tears...
1 person likes this
@michele_villasenor (624)
• Philippines
22 Mar 07
I'm blessed that I certainly do get along with my mother-in-law. The first time I met her was at my bf's (now hubby) brother's birthday. I was nervous at first but then she walked towards me and hugged me and said she's glad I was able to come and meet the family. From then on I've always felt warmth whenever she's around.
I know many people who have problems with their in-laws as well. I'd say that you cannot force yourself to like her or for her to like you. But what you can do is stay polite and talk to your partner about how you feel toweards his mother. That way he can coach you on her preferences and support you whenever she's around.
1 person likes this
@kakemafarm (492)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I love my mother in law. She is a kind, respectful, caring, giving individual. Yes we have our problems, but I am going to have problems with any person, including my own mother. My mother in law has actually been more supportive to me during my marriage than my own mother. I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but she is stubborn on a lot of things. I don't have a whole lot of advice for you and your own soon to be mother in law but I can tell you this: It take two in ANY relationship for it to work or fail!
1 person likes this
@happylife (11)
• Singapore
22 Mar 07
Hi hopefoo,
I have some options for you as I myself have use it when
I marriage and we get along well for 5 years until year 1993 we have financial problems then we let her live with my sister in law. She just passed away this Feburary and I had no regret because I had treat her well before.
1)If you love your boyfriend, try to love his mum likes loving your own mum.
2)Find out from your boyfriend what his mum like to eat and buy somethings for her whenever you go to her house just to let her know you not only love her son but love & care for her too.
3)Don't put a black or long face infront of elder people even you are not happy because they will think you are not a fair lady or worst bring bad luck.
4)Go out with her for shopping, give comment what to buy or bring her for meal when not cooking but pay for it once a while don't let her think that alway her son paying for it.
5)Speak in simple Mandarin and let her know you can't speak well.
6)Never reasons or argue with them, just let them be. When chances come then take out to discuss. If she think you are wrong, just aplogize and forget it. Never put it in heart or you will never happy with her.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Mar 07
This is difficult for you I can see. I would certainly not hide that you know both her dialects. This might be a common ground for you both. Mother in laws are difficult to handle because they want the best for their babies. In your situation, I would just be patient. When she says she is afraid of her son starving, she may be worried for you as well. The older asian women have a funny way of expressing worry. My mother is like this as well, she is korean and she complains about everything. I get along with my future mother in law pretty well. She doesn't like that I am not the same religion as her, but other than that, we are ok. We are not best friends and that is something I would like to avoid. Getting to close to the mother in law is not the best idea in the world. They like to ask alot of personal questions that I don't feel need to be answered.
1 person likes this
