I've lost myself !!!

@rlshaw (872)
United States
March 26, 2007 9:53am CST
I feel like I know longer know who I am... I use to be this independent woman, that owned her own house, but know I feel like I've been beat down so much I don't know how to climb my way out. In the last month I have had at least 10 people say to me what happened to the Rhonda we use to know? How can I let one person ( my boyfriend of 4 years) beat me down so much... I'm smarter than this but still don't leave. We have a 19 month old daughter together and I have 15 year old from a previous marriage. To make a long story short.. He is very verbally abusive to me. When I first met him and started dating he was the nicest man you could ever ask for but then it all changed ... Now I think to myself everyday.. why am I with him? The things he says just about others is unbelievable. It would take me days to tell you everything I have been through with him... But why when he is nice for a few hours do the thoughts go through my head ... like ohhh maybe things will be different now... I know they aren't going to change... Its just that he is ok for a few hours or sometimes even a day... Why do I still have that hope inside of me... IT makes no sense I'm smarter than that... My parents hate him and they don't know 1/2 of what goes on... Why do I stay??? Why can't I just leave? Anyone ever been through this?
11 people like this
33 responses
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
26 Mar 07
Oh hon I have lived this life and i know how difficult is it to get out under from.Your right it seems everything that was you is gone.but it isn;t hon its there under the hurt and resentment..do you want your children to see there mom has a broken down woman being spoken to in a manner you would never want them treated of course not..I know the task of leaving seems impossible.I once went to a womens help center and they told me a woman in a similar situation to yours and once mine take 4 years from the day she decides she must leave to leaving..i thought sure lady your crazy but turns out she was right by me anyway..i'm not saying there are not women or men that have left sooner.for me i went and sought out self help groups and with friends that i met there got stronger found way that i knew i was going to be OK when i left..finally i was strong enough to leave.it is amazing to be how many times i was scared to leave because of money and it just seemed to work itself out and i know one thing being a little poor for a little while was so worth my self respect..I'm not sure this small note of empathy will help at all just know you have someone that has been there and survived and is here should you ever need to talk...trust in yourself that strong woman is still there!!! Cheryl
@yanjiaren (9047)
26 Mar 07
My first marriage was difficult and even this one had a pissy mode..but whatI do when he gets pissy is just stsay away and when he calms down I go to him.I never argue back and he loves me too much because with I being calm..His pissy mode is getting less and less and less..We do talk about it though and HE WANTS to improve ..this is important. Do you talk about this with your beloved? Have you sat down with him and told him that you cannot go on like this? Tell him you don't want to leave and you want to make this work but you both have to work out a formula to decrease his pissy mode. Talk to him with kindness that you want to respect him and not fear him. Love = respect not fear..See if this helps..I know every individual case is different I really hope you can both work things out. I will pray for you..Try talking with himbefore deciding to leave..maybe there still is a chance to save this..
@thegregg (11)
• United States
26 Mar 07
I can relate. I just got of a relationship of seven years. My irlfriend was verbaly abusive to me. My friends would ask me what happened to the old you, why are you stil with her and I would make exuses in her defense. Now i sit here wondering who I am. except it got to the point where I began to chose her over my friends. Know i have only one good friend left. It has been extremly hard since we split but I know it was the right choice. I hope this helped. And may true hapines find you.
• United States
26 Mar 07
Maybe it helps to have a guy's perspective. Though I have never been verbally abusive, I've known many men who were. It's all projection - they feel exactly about themselves what they are saying to you. May I suggest a book called "The Four Agreements" by Manuel Ruiz - it brings this to life far better than I can. In brief, once you learn not to react to any other person's energy, you are then free of them. Until then, you are a slave.
• United States
26 Mar 07
You've made a good first & second step by admitting there is a problem, and doing something about it. If you are not bold enough to make a move on your own, get yourself to a professional counselor. This man is a danger not only to you, but to your children as well. Get out before it is too late.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
i agree to you buddy....attend for counselling dude,....
• Philippines
26 Mar 07
First thing, I'd like to tell you that it's not only you who have experienced that. THere are so many of us who have been into a relationship wherein we could say "we have lost ourselves"...and ask, "why?"...Is it because of LOVE? And is what we feel a real love at all? We couldn't seem to figure it out. People do change, without even knowing why. Since you have already been together for 4 years and has a daughter, that means, you have already known for quite some time now. And you've got to talk intensily. By that, I mean to say, both of you need to have time to talk things out: about your relationship, about the two of you, and so much more. You would never know what exactly is wrong if you yourself couldn't figure it out. I understand that you still seek for hope. THats' normal. But don't give in too much to a relationship wherein it already makes you lose yourself. You have to love yourself first, more than anyone elsE! I'm telling you this because this is the very first thing I have realized when my boyfriend for over 3 years became much abusive to me already. Don't stuck yourself too much to him. When you've learn to let go, you'll be as happy as other people are who also have learned to let go of a relationship which was no longer healthy anymore. :)
@dawn31 (4)
• United States
26 Mar 07
There is no reason in this world why anyone has to put up with that. You are a valuable person and you have a wonderful purpose on this earth. If that wasn't true then God would have never made you. You have wonderful children who need their mother to be upbeat and positive and to show them how to live their lives. If you continue to stay in a relationship that makes you feel this way then what are you teaching your children? You are worth all the gold in the world to that special someone, you need to find them and don't stay with someone who treats you like crap.
1 person likes this
@34momma (13889)
• United States
26 Mar 07
oh honey i am so sorry to hear this. but you are a strong woman. don't forget who you are. you can do anything you want to do. and you must not live in fear! fear is kills more people then any thing else in the whole world. fear will keep you where you are, fear will not allow you to move on. You are better then you are allowing yourself to be treated. You are a strong, powerful, loving, whole, perfect, grateful person. know that, feel that, see that, and get out.
• United States
26 Mar 07
I know exactly how you feel. I am also an independent woman that is used to doing things on her own. I was in a relationship for 5years with a guy that I thought was a saving grace. It started off wonderfully but ended up badly. He was overly controlling and very manipulative. The reason it took me so long to leave was that I had become complacent with the relationship and did not want to be alone. Sometimes we just have to take a chance and do what is best for us. You'll be so much better without him. You are still the same independent woman that you used to be and you deserve better.
1 person likes this
@honeyangel (1992)
27 Mar 07
get rid of this man now,the verbal abuse can lead to phisical abuse,you must think of your daughters and the effict this is having on them,you need help from your family and friends to get rid of him,call the cop to remove him if he doesnt go.do you have any brothers or any men in your family who can help you out.your 15 year old can end up with a guy just like you bf and please think of them,they need to come first.please get help and get rid of this no hoper
@mitchacoy (252)
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
Usually, when you are in a relationship, your independence would change in someways.And it is expected within us moms. Beating a woman is one of the worst things a man could do to a woman. My husband beat me down before. I was so disappointed about this. It wasn't once or twice. I really couldn't count. one time, I asked myself why? I tried to figure out my mistakes and tried to fix them. I tried to change my ways as much as I can. Like being a listener more than a speaker. Being patient and doing everything a wife must do for her children and husband. I really, really tried my best to coorect and understand every situation that happened every time he beats me down.Luckily, my husband changed from worst to better. If you know you have really done everything as much as you can to cope up with his likes ( as long as it's good of course) but, he still doesn't change. I think you have to do something. It is not only for you but it's also for your children. Just be patient. Remember PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE!
@charms88 (7540)
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
I know what you mean, rishaw. I know what its like to be lost without knowing how to climb back again to the real world. Try to assimilate all the pieces of your life. Ask yourself if this man is worthy of you. I have posted a thread about "When it is good to be a quitter." You might like to check out some of the responses there to get some more ideas about your situation. I wish you more courage to pick up the pieces of your life again.
@anup12 (4178)
• India
27 Mar 07
I think he might be in the need for counselling as it seems that he has something very seriously wrong.
@mamasan34 (6520)
• United States
27 Mar 07
I was like this in a former marriage. I have always been an independent woman and able to care for myself. In the end of this marriage I was on 7 different medications. I have an anxiety problem, anger management and manic depression and not to mention the severe heartburn, high blood pressure and so on that these issues contributed to my health. I lost my confidence and eventually was unable to go to the store and ask a simple question. I started having my daughter ask questions for me, or I would wait until he came home to take me. Please don't let yourself get to this point. Find the strength to get out. This man will do you no good now or in the future. He may be sweet for a couple of hours, but when you think these things you have to think he may be sweet now, but how many times has this happened and it is always the same? Don't just do this for yourself, my daughter gave me the strength to leave. I saw how unhappy she was and I finally was able to say enough! My job as a mom is to ensure she has the best childhood possible and living with this man was not even close. I would also suggest counseling. It might help to give you some better coping skills and manage your thoughts better. It helped me! If everyone hates him, and obviously you don't like him too much, it is time to make a move. Good luck to you and keep us posted!
• India
27 Mar 07
Instead going to any counseller, you must first ask to your boyfriend that what went wrong. You must ask to him about any fault from your side or may be there anything from your parents that would have hurt him(don't take otherwise). If he is able to answer you then you can find a solution togather. If you love him very deeply, you cn make a new start and try to memorise all those happy moments from your past. And if even all these don't work then may be there anyone else in his life, and if this is so, you must leave him because then he is just making a formality with you and can leave you anytime as soon as he grabs the opportunity and by that time, it will be late for you. So be bold and try whatever i suggested if you agree with that. All the best.
@maucute (979)
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
Probably you were just blinded by love.. Sometimes people changed because of love and no matter what people say we sometimes tend to think that those aren't true or they 're just saying that to ruin the relationship you have, actually those are advices we can take into considerations but it would really be up to us to think whether we believe it or not. When did it all change? After you've got married? You're hoping for him to change back because you have feelings for him, it's hard to admit that but you have the courage to share this to all of us. And one issue would probably also because of a baby you both have, would it be ok for you for your baby to grow up not being with his dad? My advice is talk to him first, ask him why he's acting that way, tell him that his actions really affected you to the point that you're hurt and it let you feel so down. I'm glad you have friends there helping you out, seek for their advices also. I've never been married, but I'm sharing to you what I know and have learned. Think things over before you make any decisions that you might regret later.. Just a friend giving you advice.. :) Sorry for a long respond but I do hope this would help, I know it's hard for your part because you're a mom also. There are lots of sacrifices but I think clear your head first and make yourself calm, because this involves not only you but also the kids you have.. :) Smile there..
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
I dated this muslim guy forabout 3 months. We had liked each other the first time we met. In the beginning, he was the boyfriend i loved. The next minute, he's the guy who rants about Islam being the perfect religion. I never like talking about it since i'm catholic. Having a bi-religious relationship is tough with all your relatives and family at your back about "your kids will be confused about which religion to folow." He was different. He never walked with me, always ahead of me. He always picked on me like a bully would treat his next victim. I became unhappy. We broke things off. I wasn't about to let the end of this relationship ruin me. I cried. Then, the next day i moved on. I got over him in a day. I don't know if this will help you but i do hope that you realize that you are the happy and independent woman you really are.
• India
27 Mar 07
Though my girlfriend pushes and bullies me a lotlike that but that hasn't changed my love because when I went her she was like this. And the only reason I love her I that I know her inside out and she will change or not doesn't matter to me. She loves me and I can feel it. About you, you are with a person who hooked you on by showing that he is nice but you failed to see and find the real side of his' so now you have to face that wrath. Actually its not your fault cause when you are in love things like this happen. Have you tried talking to him on this?? If he really loved you he will change himself and turn back to what he showed he was. And if you had already talked and he is still not ready to change then the only thing I suggest you to jump ashore before the storm strikes. Get away from him before he changes you any more. Do not torcher yourself like that, tell him straight what you need in your relation and in your life and stop compromising. Good Luck Take Care May GOD Bless YOU
• United States
27 Mar 07
We tend to want to believe the best about people and also, sometimes we think our love will change them. This doesn't often happen. I found myself again after a 24 year marriage to a man who is a fantastic father, but a very controlling husband. I became happily divorced and now am happily married to a man that allows me to be just who I am. There is never criticism. Breaking free from the first was hard because of my children, but once they were grown, I was gone. If he had not been such a fantastic dad, I would not have stayed as long as I did. The way I knew it was time to go was one night he said all of the things that usually made me cry, but that night, I just didn't care, I felt nothing. I remember looking at him, smiling and saying, well, that is it, I am out of here. I never looked back. Strangely, we are all good friends now.
• India
27 Mar 07
hey, m really sorry 2 listen this. how can a man do this to a woman.u have a good job tryin to search out 4 solutions so dont worry at all.just remember that if once u have started searching 4 solutions.results will definitely be at ur side beleev in urself and beleev in the ultimate
@kitkat1 (1227)
• Canada
27 Mar 07
You are not alone alot of people are in the same boat. A hard boat to get out of without drowning too. They make you feel like the bad guy too. I fight that fight too you are not alone dont think you are. Hopefully we will both find the strength to find ourselves again. I miss me.