mother dislikes my wife

Malaysia
April 3, 2007 11:09pm CST
i have been married for almost a year now but it seems that my mother doesn't accept my wife well. i did ask my mother for her blessing before my wedding. she agreed but now, i think she has some grouses over my selection. personally, i don't know what's wrong with my wife that makes my mother dislikes her. she doesn't live with my mother so i doubt it has something to do with what my wife do. she do visits her once in a while so neglecting her is not an issue. i have this feeling that my mother thinks my wife will take over my life and assets. it's a bit awkward as i am not rich and doesn't possesses any valuable assets. do you experience the same thing? is it normal for a mother to be suspicious to her in-laws? how do you overcome this situation?
3 people like this
19 responses
• United States
4 Apr 07
Most generally when a mother is acting that way towards her sons wife it because she feels neglected and jealous.She misses her son and has not let him go, to get on with his life.She is being selfish and trying to cause dissention between the husband & wife for her own personal gain.It is said that...a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home. You need to stand up for your wife, if you want to remain married to her.I can not see letting her stand alone while you allowed your mother to keep acting like this towards your wife for no reason other than jealousy.If your wife chose to be with you...then you should understand she doesn't have to be.Stand up for your wife & tell Mama to get a hobby!
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
thanks for the advice. 'tell Mama to get a hobby' - nice advice. :)
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Apr 07
Did not mean to hurt your feelings in any way, but if you want to live with a happy wife...stand up for her...
• India
5 Apr 07
welll I suppose not a very unique situation....right!!! I mean 9 out of 10 mothers in law do not like their daughters in law....thank god my mom is the 1 in 10... but I suppose there must be some issue for her to think so.....see as far my experiences say that she must have this only fear that the daughter in law is gonna take her son away with her, and she would then be left aon---which she really woulnd't know....I suppose you can plan out to live with her for a few days....and tlel your wife to be in an even frequent visit to your mom....you too should accompany and let her sense boh of you as her children....give her time and affection ---make her feel that her son is still hers,,,,and no one can take him away!!! she might need time, but may be that works out in all!!!
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
thanks. i've tried that last weekend. the situation cool down for a while but early this week, the same thing happened. i'm visiting my mum again this weekend. hopefully this time things will settle down for good.
@mslena75 (561)
• United States
4 Apr 07
I think that the best thing would just be to come out and ask your mother WHY she appears to have a problem with your wife. That is the only way that you are going to get to the bottom of the issue. But then some mothers just have this thing in their head that no spouse is ever going to be good enough for their child. Maybe for whatever reason she is having a hard time 'letting go' of you. But she needs to understand that you have made your choice of spouse and that you are happy. She needs to respect that and act accordingly.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
thanks. i think this 'letting go' thing might be the answer. do you have experience on how to overcome this?
@junior07 (972)
• India
4 Apr 07
mothers - why mothers think so.
i am not married but know why mothers have such problem when their son get married,they think that the love is now shared by her son's wife and her son start ignoring her after his marriage.
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
i think you've got a point there.
• Canada
4 Apr 07
I had a lot of issues with my partners mother when we first met. She disliked me intensely although we'll never really know why. She tried every trick in the book to split us up, that culminated in her forcing her son to make a decision between me and her. She got the shock of her life when he moved out. Things have changed a lot since then. We had to live with his parents for a short period of time when our financial situation got extremely bad and we came to an unspoken agreement that whilst living together we would at least have to try and get on together. Things got a lot better very quickly and now we're friends. I guess a lot of times, the mothers of sons think that the girl they choose for their wife isn't good enough. As females we're a lot more discriminating than males when it comes to who is a suitable partner for our sons. I think over time your mother may come to terms with the fact that you are married to this woman and that she has to accept your wife. It may take time, but eventually things will settle. Don't give up.
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
my life now is pretty much the same as yours. i'm lucky to have a patient wife.
• United States
5 Apr 07
It's time to gently let your mom know that you are a big boy now and can make your own evaluations of a woman. You really don't need mommy to hold your hand throughout your romance with a girl. Mommy is mommy. She will not always be there. You should love her, but accept the fact that you will be spending the rest of your life with your wife, not your mother (unless that's what you want -- which is not the natural way things should go in this life). Grow up. Get a life of your own. Love mom. But, put her in her place.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
thanks for the advice. it's time to take action. thanks again for the advice.
@academic2 (7000)
• Uganda
4 Apr 07
The bottom line encik_khairul, is that your marriage is a life long contract between you and your wife-the only third party accepted in that equation is God! Try to make your Mom see this light, your wife is your wife-period! Your Mom should be counselled about this-your wife should not keep her distance, let her love your Mom, help her, fetch water and carry out all house chores for her-you keep talkng to your Mom how you personally feel about her attitudes towards your wife and remind her politely that she blessed the marriage in the first place!
@mansha (6298)
• India
4 Apr 07
What so new about it, there is ahardly any mother in law that really likes the wife of her son. MY mother in law is also like that. Infact when I think of this I find it ridiculous. I am not perfect but I never talk back to her thouh she is making it harder and harder by continuously poking me but I am keeping my promise to myself. Let them sort this out themselve jsut keep listening to them both.you are no way equipped to deal with the situation and can not resolve this ever. do not even jump in to it. just tell your wife to ignore your mother's adverse comments thinking f her age. thats it. tell her you love her and trust her but your mother is mother and only by ignoring hr comments you can sustain this relation. This happens after marriage as you both try to adjust to each other mothers do get insecure about loosing their sons. they nurture their sons and pamper them and then comes in wife and the son is all readyto change for the wife. like my hubby couldn't have food wiothout potatoes but never told me this initially and ate whatever I cooked but when his mother came visiting for first time every tie we would sit down for a meal she would ask me you didn't cook potatoes , i was surprised bythe question. he had been living away for almost ten years so he had adjusted with his meals. then i asked him wahts the story he told me when he goes home he never ate food without potatoes. I started caterign that for him then on but that was a big issue with his mother. Now he has reduced his food intake to keep hi weight under check I am being gblamed for not feeding him properly.No matter how many times he explains that to his mom she wont understand. Its always something or the other.Only thing I do is ignore her as best as I could. Thats what is keeping ma in llaw and my relationship okay otherwise we would have parted ways.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
4 Apr 07
thanks for sharing. sometimes i wonder why such small issue can be a very big issue. maybe you're right. I should ignore her as best as I could. but deep in my heart, i want to know, what's really wrong with me, my wife or my marriage that makes my mother behave like that.
• Philippines
4 Apr 07
I already have an in laws coz i am already married for almost 6 months but i dont think that my parents in law dont like me also..Actually i feel that when i come to their family..they are giving much attention to me that my husband which is their son that is why sometimes my husband get jealous to me but it was not a big issue to both of us..Maybe there were things that both your mother and your wife dont understand each other.
@lynninky (491)
• United States
5 Apr 07
I think that your mother has lived her life, had her family and now it is your time. unless your mother knows something you do not like ( your wife is fooling around behind your back,or something like that). You should set your mother down and tell her this is my life why can't you just be happy for me, so i can be happy..I want my life and my family just like you have. I am a man now , i need you to tell whats going on or i will start leaving/hanging up the second you start something about my wife.. Yes some mothers are life that. My mother in law does not do that. she does talk about my husband exwife everytime i walk in the door. 7 years now. i did blow up on her after i walked out and told my husband i would be in the truck. i was followed and ask why i did that. you see he was not strong enough as momas man to stand up to her as it bothered him as well. i was the one who had to deal with him al week after her talks. now we do not go there. i will not step one foot in that house. he goes once a year. i buy and mail her great gifts just like i would for my mother if she was still alive. she is not that way about her girls . my husvand has been married three times now.. i think because of the connection between his family (his mother).. that is not happening this time around. she tells everyone he just throw her up ... he tells everyone i love my mother but she was holding me back in life. life is to short to set back and hold your mothers hand until she passses away to start your own life. she doesn't understand.. do not let your mother drive your wife away. if she is good to you , you need to make a stand. first for yourself then for your wife.. then tell your mother that you love her and always will but things are (not need to be) going to be different. one way or the other. tell her if she has nothing nice to say then say nothing at all.. the same thing she told you as a child..
1 person likes this
@minty3 (592)
• Nigeria
4 Apr 07
I think there's more than you know so you've got to be patient with your mother and find out what really her grouse against your wife is. Secondly, try to be neutral and observe too if there's anything your wife does that irritates her. The job of ensuring peace and love btween both of them depends more on you so please handle it seriously so that you can enjoy your relationship to the fullest. Its usual for mothers to feel jealous of their daughters-in-law but a little love, patience and reassurance will clear all these. Thanks.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
thanks for the advice. is it usual for mothers to feel jealous of their daughter? hmm.. i wonder why.
• China
5 Apr 07
My mother does not like my boyfriend either. I am a Law Bachelor. But my boyfriend did not go to any university. I was born in a beautiful city, but my boyfriend comes from a rural area of southern part of China. But my boyfriend treats my so well and he is very smart. I believe he will have a splendid future. Therefore, I believe that if you and your wife love each other. Your mother will change her attitude one day.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
4 Apr 07
There is a unique bond with mothers and sons. I know I have one with my son, my husband has one with his mother and if you look around you will likely see it in others. A wife, without meaning to, puts a wedge in between the bond with mother and son..... mothers will naturally feel threatened by that. In essence, she feels like she is losing her son. I recommend that you nuture both relationships as best you can and try to subtly help your mom see that by becoming closer to your wife she will be closer to you as well. I think it is a mistake for a man to try to take matters into his own hands and "manage" the relationship with his wife and mother. That often results in them feeling they are competing over him. Love your mother the way you always have and help her see that you love your wife so much because she (your mother)taught you how to love. Good luck.
• Canada
5 Apr 07
Hi; I'm not sure what to tell you that you haven't already heard. Are you basing your opinion on what you have seen, or what your wife is feeling? The rason that I ask is, my wife has always been very insecure, to the point that it drives me nuts sometimes. I can't figure it out after seven years of a good mariage but whatever. The point that I'm trying to make is, if it is your wife who is feeling this way, and not just how you percieve the situation, then without telling them why you are asking, find out if they have any common interests. Then try to get them to share their interests and who knows, they may end up liking each other and more importantly trusting each other.
• Malaysia
9 Apr 07
luckily, my wife action is not to take any action. act as nothings happen. yes, at times she do feels insecure but she seems to be very patient about the situation. i think i've married the right woman :)
• United States
5 Apr 07
My in laws both hated me when my husband and I first got married. They thought I was too young and wasn't mature enough, which, I can see where they are coming from, but they didn't even give me a chance. It took almost 6 months but they realized they had to put up with me so they started to warm up. We get along for the most part, but over a year and a half into our marriage I still have problems with them. They try to tell me how to raise my son and where I should work, and really, it is quite annoying. They didn't want my husband to grow up for a long time, he is almost 25! They still tried to tell him what to do and call and check up on him all the time... I guess it is just something that parents do I suppose. They just can never let go! I think it is more of a jealousy thing, because now the husband wants someone else or can rely on the wife to do the laundry, cook the food, clean, whatever the mother used to do.
• Malaysia
9 Apr 07
i think i can relate your story to my situation right now. i just come back from visiting my parent. i tried to ignore everything and act as nothings happens. from my observation, it is just about the parenting thing. when you're older, you'll lose control over your child. that's a fact. your child will eventually start to live on their own, making decision them self, do things in their own way. i think the real problem is my mother has difficulty to letting me go and live my own life. it's got nothing to do with my wife. i think someday, my wife will also be like that :)
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
4 Apr 07
naturally a parent wants what is best for their child, but i wouldn't worry about your mother...you are married to your wife not her...now you must work on making your wife happy
• Pakistan
8 Apr 07
you are son of your mother. your mother loves you much. But another lady came in your life as your wife. Your mother could not bear it. your mother thinks that you are her asset, and some one came in your life who stolen you from your mom. tell your mom that she was also a wife in past, you became mom now. It is natural. every wife is wife to become a mom.Mom loves her childern and wife loves her husband. Both of them could never share thier love. You should know it all and manage a balance attitude with both of great loving ladies.
@scor18 (35)
• Pakistan
4 Apr 07
Well U Should ask 2 ur mother about ur wife's attitude toward ur mother coz She is ur mother and ur wife must have to respect ur mother soo u should go 1st to ur mother n ask about ur wife's attitude so SMIPLE
• Malaysia
5 Apr 07
thanks for the advice. but i think my wife have been wrongly accused. she has done nothing to offend my mother. i did ask my mother about this. she herself couldn't give a convincing answer. picture this, my mother once angry at me when my wife packing a a meal for my journey outstation. she said 'like i don't know how to cook!'.
• China
4 Apr 07
I'm single.But there likely is something between your mother and wife.Please make sure about it.And then make them to have an honest talking.Maybe it will work.