Message on the machine

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Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal-retentive, please hold.