living with the in-laws?

Philippines
April 10, 2007 10:51pm CST
I have read a lot of topics about living arrangements with the in-laws. But what i found very interesting is this. 1) When its the husband's parents living with the family the wife constantly complain about who else the in-law. I'm not saying all, but most of the wives do. 2) But when its the wife's parents living with the family there is harmony and the husband seldom complains. The husband even got along with the in-laws pretty well. Why? How come most of the wives don't get along with the in-laws? While the husband is fairing pretty well with his relationship with his wife's parents?
7 people like this
25 responses
@draconess (650)
• Canada
11 Apr 07
I think in many cases where the husband's parents live with the couple, there's sort of a power struggle between the women... Like the mom is used to running the house and taking care of her son, but now he has a wife who can take over and cares for him too. I never had that problem, we lived with my inlaws for a few months and everything was great, I get along well with his mom. In my case my husband gets along great with my mom and family because he gets extra spoiled then, between mom and me we like to do baking, cooking, etc. and take care of our loved ones.
2 people like this
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
that is a wonderful observation you had there. you are probably right. nice to hear that you had a good relationship with your in-laws and your husbands relationship with your parents. i wish you all a very nice day.
1 person likes this
• Canada
11 Apr 07
I have to say that it would be opposite for my family . I love my husband's in laws and have already said that if his mother should ever need a place to stay that we will be the one's taking her in . His mom and I have a good relationship and I care very much for her . My husband gets along with my family but I don't know how well he would fare out if we were living with them . He gets along with my dad really well but my mother , I could see there being conflict along the way as they both have a very strong personality and my husband does not take kindly to anyone telling him he is wrong , he doesn't mind a difference of opinion but does not like when someone says he doesn't know what he is talking about or if someone is putting me down in anyway . My husband's dad is really quiet and therefore very easy to get along with . We have never had any problems and I don't foresee any in the future with any of them .
2 people like this
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
its nice to hear that you have a great relationship with your in-laws. i wish you all well.
1 person likes this
@carlaabt (3504)
• United States
12 Apr 07
I must say, I could never live with my in-laws. My husband and my sister in law both know that if it comes down to it, either she is taking them in, or we are checking them into a nursing home. I know it sounds harsh, but there is NO way that I could live with either of them. I really don't think my husband would mind living with my parents, though. They both love him. My dad has actually admitted that he likes my husband better than he likes any of his own six kids. And my mom always says she couldn't ask for a better son in law. My in laws definitely don't like me that much. His mom is schizophrenic and depressed, so of course she has some issues. But she has told me more than once that she hates me and that she LOVES my little sister and wishes my husband had married her. Anytime my son does anything early (like rolling over at 5 days old) she says it's because he's smart like my husband. When he didn't walk early, she said that must be my fault. She's also convinced that it's my fault that we live 1000 miles from home, even though my husband had joined the Air Force before we started dating. I could go on and on, but I'm sure I've made my point. It just wouldn't work.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Apr 07
That is because maybe the wife and the mother in-law can not go with each other in harmony. Wife wants better inside their house but the mother in law will make comments and objections with what the wife is doing so most often the wife get irritated and hate the mother in law and the mother in law will also nag to her son about the errors for her made by his wife. So most often the son will be in between and somewhat will make a choice between the two important girls in her life. And the success inside the house in this kind of situation will depend on how mature the son is in handling his own family and his parents at the same time.
1 person likes this
@tommy408 (361)
• Malaysia
11 Apr 07
I have a theory. Mothers always are fiercely protective of their son. They cook for his son, do his laundry, tidy his room. In short, they fuss in and about their son's life for as long as they could, which simply means until another woman comes in their son's life. Then they will feel threaten by this woman. If she does not cook well, mom will feel like his son deserves better. If she cook better than mom, then mom will fear that the son might love mom less. It's absurd, but that's how things go. Mom will see the other woman in his son's life as "the one taking her place" and constantly feel challenged by her presence. It doesn't work that way with daughter. Mom will regard the man in her daughter's life as the man who will protect her daughter, who will be by her daughter's side through thick and thin. So, she get along well with the son in law. I substitute the the "parents" to only "mom" because from my limited experience, I ever see dads getting involved in children s' live that much, not emotionally anyway
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
i was beginning to wonder when a man's point of view would come up. and here you are. nice response. i like all the response so far. and i'm learning from all of you. have a nice day.
1 person likes this
@jbelle (912)
• Philippines
12 Apr 07
Its easy for a husband to get along with thier in-laws because husband dont speak enough they just kept what they feel unlike women/wives since women are vocals what they feel and what they see which they dont like they easily speak it out and thats the cause of arguments between wife and their in laws...husband can go with the flow on whats happening and can take it coz their too shy to complain...
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
11 Apr 07
Well my husband and I lived with my parents for a period of time. No it's no picnic. My husband and my father are too much alike and my mother couldn't stand having two of them. As far as with his family however it didn't work out either. And mostly it was my husband fighting with his father. So I think it is best for everyone to get their own house.
1 person likes this
@jncgiza (256)
• United States
11 Apr 07
1) yes I did complain but they did admit to hating me 2) He doesnt like my mom, so he would complain as well Not not sure why it is like this, but I think it just depends on the people to be honest. I guess it would be because I believe more woman blog/discuss these things than the man does.
@avonrep1 (1862)
• United States
12 Apr 07
I have great in-laws now, they are wonderful and we get along great. My mom we get along with pretty well, but my dad is a crazy religion nut. We don't get along with him, and I can't be around him for more than a couple of hours at a time or we are like fire and water because of my belief system. I would get along with him, if he could just shut up and keep his mouth to himself.
1 person likes this
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
12 Apr 07
It would be best to develop a harmonious relationship with the in-laws, but in a case where there are conflicts, maybe it would be better to live separately but close to the parents' house. That way you'll be able to take care of them while at the same time avoiding conflict.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Apr 07
Good point there. I also noticed this. A lot of women complain so much about their in laws. Maybe they too are too be blamed. Maybe they don't want to tolerate. Maybe they don't want to change themselves. Maybe they don't want to adjust. Sometimes wives expect too much from the married life and those around her that she never even notices that she's not doing anything to solve the problem or to make the situation better. My husband and I live with my parents and I never heard him complain about my parents. He really adjusted well with how my parents are. He respects him that why he is being respected. I guess we women should live by the saying, do not do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you.
@ironstruck (2298)
• Canada
11 Apr 07
I don't think it matters who gets along with who. I would never live with an in-law no matter how well you like them. Why would anyone want to live with their parents after spending all those years with them as you grew up? I just don't get it. parents should discourage that sort of thing. It gives their kids room to grow and that seldom happens when your parents are right there.
1 person likes this
@liuchuqi (32)
• China
12 Apr 07
Now doesn't this suggest that it may be well worth your while to learn a few new skills and how to apply them, so you can enjoy that kind of consistent income that keep on working while you play
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Apr 07
I am not sure, but I think some mothers spoil there sons so much, that they get jealous. Whereas parents of women expect a man to take come into their daughters life, and take her away from them. They only have a problem if the man doesn't do a good job of taking care of her? I think this is pretty old fashioned thinking though, and most (hopefully) don't do this anymore. Its all about respect-if the parents and the kids respect the new roles, than they should get along. If people want things to stay the same,and don't allow for any change, they will argue.
1 person likes this
@MGjhaud (23068)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
probably because women used to complain and would think that their life as a new family now is still depending on the husbands family. but when the guy lives with the woman's house, the guy would give all the respect because the fact that its the guy who ask the woman to get married not the man so he should show woman's parents that he deserves to be the husband.
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
11 Apr 07
It all depends on the situation. First off, it is... not all that common for inlaws to live with couples, but when they do it's always circumstancial. I know plenty of men who can't stand their in-laws, in fact, I know plenty of people who can't stand their own parents. It's...circumstantial.
1 person likes this
@Jennifer21 (2476)
• United States
11 Apr 07
Well, this is not neccessarily true, my hubby hates my parents(well, I do to, but that's not the point). I had to live with my inlaws for a couple of months and my mother in law got on my nerves so bad. She is an older woman and stuck in her old ways. She thinks she is always right and she is so dang nosy it isn't even funny. She gets on my nerves so bad sometimes. My husband is a big mama's boy,so he is always like " why does my mom bother you so much." Well, I guess it's just because I'm not used someone being so demanding of me. and did I say NOSY? I have learned to deal with her though. I think she is so nosy because she is afraid I can't take care of her son like she could.
1 person likes this
@joodzki6 (596)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
yeah, u r right? that gives me the thinking of the same question. i have been with my in-laws for a few months after the wedding. at first, it wasn't that hard because everything went okay..but as time went on, i was kind of feeling uncomfortable because my mother in-law are beginning to interfere with us. in decision making sometimes she wants to get involve which for me is not proper..so, i have talked to my husband and openned up about it. i suggested to go to our place instead to prevent misunderstanding between me and her mom. and when we get to my parents house, it was more comfortable and for him. for that, i guess, the reason is my parents doesn't interfere to anything between me and my husband. they just let us do whatever we know that must do..and that i think is more right because we have our own life.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
lol! i can't help but give a comment on this. to justify my side, not that i'm guilty of it :) i think this is because wife is more vocal of what she feels towards other people. compared to husbands, wives usually talk about how they feel. they prefer to bring it out than keeping the 'issue' within them. another things, wives wanted to have their own place in the house but as i learned there can never be 2 queens in a household. it is usually the wife who give ways to the mother-in-law, especially if the family is living in the parents house. but for instances that the wife has her own place already and the mother moved within them, the mother still feels that she knows more than the wife because she has been a wife and mother for a longer time than the wife herself.
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Apr 07
Twenty-five years ago when I was pregnant with my first child, my ex and I tried it on our own but couldn't make ends meet, so my in-laws let us move in with them. My FIL was great, but boy, my MIL drove me batty. I was always respectful of her, it was after all her home, but after my son was born, she was constantly telling me that every thing I did was wrong. From how to feed the baby, to diapering. I was nursing and she didn't think that was enough for my son so she was constantly pushing formula on me, and even making bottles for him and giving them to him. I don't know if she just thought that she knew better, given that I was so young at the time, but I ended up resenting her, and finally had to push and nag my ex for us to get our own place. I had to push him because he was quite comfortable there, but I wasn't happy at all. In the following years, she did learn to back off, after she saw that I could raise my children quite well. We did have a few disagreements, but we have learned to care for each other. She is a nice lady and good hearted, but sometimes her well meaning advice can be irritating. I learned to just listen and then do things my way anyway. LOL
1 person likes this