This "I" thing might actually work...

@imsilver (1665)
Canada
April 15, 2007 3:42pm CST
I think that the other night I had the most interesting arguement with my other half. Instead of just fighting and both of us getting so worked up and getting into the nasty name calling and tossing accusations, I tried to remember what I'd been taught in this one women's program I attended years ago. I'm so in love with my boyfriend and I want so much for it to work between us that I'm willing to do almost anything to keep us together.. except being made to feel small and miserable and completely useless, I know that I deserve better than that. Rather than throwing everything in his face like I normally do, I tried really hard to just get him to see things from my perspective. And I think it might have actually worked. Rather than fighting, we both were able to calm down and have just an arguement.. no yelling, screaming or throwing stuff involved this time. I put everything in terms of me rather than him. For instance : "I feel hurt that you think I'm the type of person who would cheat.. that's just not who I am" "I feel angry that you assume the worst just because I didn't answer the phone when you know that we have issues with the phone and it dies so fast and is more problems that it's worth" "I feel that you really have no idea who I am when your saying what you think I'm up to." "I feel like your just trying to break me down and make me miserable so that you look like the bigger person." "I feel that I'm not a bad person and I don't deserve to be made to feel like one." "I feel that no matter how much I love him or how much I want this to work.. I deserve better and I know that and I'm willing to let him go over it." He told me that he's never thought of how I actually feel inside when he says that I have to be cheating on him because all his other girlfriends have. We ended up having a long talk and I've made it clear that this is it. He's either got to realize that after a year and a half and all we've been through that he better than anyone knows who I am and what I'm about and that if he really thinks I'm a person capable of treating someone like that that maybe we shouldn't be together. So this is it.. the last chance. He says that he knows that I won't but deep down he's so afraid of losing me. He's going to work hard at figuring out how to trust me. Last chance time, and I really have to mean it this time. If I'm made to feel like that again, I'll be leaving. I deserve better and I know it. As much as it's going to hurt to leave him, in the long run, it'll be better for the both of us.
1 person likes this
3 responses
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
18 Apr 07
I think you're on the right track here. Tossing accusations and blaming statements at someone only serves to set up a defensive attitude, leading to more fighting. Using "When you said/did, I feel this way..." statements is a really good way to get out of the blame game, and towards resolution. If you're interested in learning more, you could always check with your local library and see if they have a book called "Non-violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. I took a workshop based on Rosenberg's work at a retreat a few years ago, and it has helped me tremendously in communicating effectively in difficult and confrontational situations.
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
15 Apr 07
This is one thing that I have learned in my relationship also. We use to just blow up at each other rather than listening to how each other felt. Now when we disagree on something we talk about it without yelling and screaming. We have learned that communication is a huge part of staying happy in a relationship.
• United States
15 Apr 07
Yes, I think "I" statements are supposed to be the way to go about "fighting".....I always try to think about that as well, that and staying respecful in an arguement.